There are starting to be jokes written about how the traitors that tried to overthrow the government on January 6th, 2021 are all getting caught in part due to the fact that none of the dipshits wore masks. When I was a kid my brother and I would watch the G.I. Joe cartoon or read the comic book and it’s impressive how many Cobra agents wore masks or otherwise were difficult to identify.

Cobra Commander: TWO masks – either a cloth one or a metal helmet.
Destro: entire face permanently encased in malleable, yet identity-concealing metal.
Storm Shadow: wore a mask and usually kept distinctive tattoos covered.
Zartan: can change his face at any time. How do you prosecute a man like this?
Scar-Face: called Scar-Face because he literally had scars all over his face and wore a bandana because he knew he was an eyesore.
Scrap-Iron: wore one of those Ricky Williams-style helmets so you couldn’t see his eyes.
Raptor… Croc Master… Firefly… these are all masked terrorists that took precautions.

That leaves The Baroness, sure, but she at least had the “Clark Kent glasses” thing if she wanted. But alas, there is… Major Bludd.

Major Bludd just had an eye patch but no real mask or identity covering. The eye patch was medicinal. He wore the same clothes at work or if he was off the clock. One of the early issues of the comic book had a scene where two G.I. Joes — Stalker and Grand Slam — had to take a bus somewhere and Major Bludd happened to get on the bus at the same time. I would now like to post one of my favorite comic panels ever:

In this panel, a terrorist that is very much not wearing a mask got his jaw kicked in and broken like a bitch by a real American hero. It is important to know that Stalker and Grand Slam would not have identified Major Bludd if Bludd had simply worn a mask like his co-workers did when engaged in his anti-American terrorism. But Bludd didn’t wear a mask during his terrorism because he is a fucking moron. If this issue took place in the present day rather than the 1980s, it would be perfectly in character for Bludd to have been on his way to negotiate a group rate for all Cobra contractors and employees with Foursquare.

Just some opening day thoughts from someone who followed hockey very closely from the late 80s to the early 00s and then fell away from the game and is attempting to get back into it. I am sure these thoughts will be as insipid as hell six months from now.

The Sabres played the Capitals to an empty crowd last night to start the 2021 season. I think I can inline a tweet that has an image of Victor Olofsson’s beautiful goal (and Taylor Hall was AS ADVERTISED, best Sabre on the ice to the point where it was obvious as I am still memorizing the jersey numbers and it was clear just how good he is).

you know what time it is: victor olofsson goals of the 2021 season…

he starts himself off with a nice snipe off taylor hall's beautiful pass (vs WSH. 01.14.2021.) pic.twitter.com/MOxvjDMerH

— depressed buffalos #BLM (@depressedbflos) January 15, 2021

My favorite player growing up was Mark Recchi, who was a right winger that had a left shot and I have memories of Recchi sniping just like in the video above. Hockey Reference lists Olofsson as a right winger, but everything I had read leading up to that was that Olofsson was a left winger… I dunno. He looks DEADLY right there. I’m still trying to figure out how important the right wing and left wing spots are.

I didn’t really see Jeff Skinner at all last night. Clearly we don’t know what is going on with him and the Sabres coach (Ralph Krueger). Skinner is on the fourth line — on the third line at LW was Tobias Reider, who I had unfortunately not heard of before I saw the opening lineups last night. Again, my bad, but Jesus. Skinner is clearly in coach Ralph Krueger’s doghouse. What else could it be? Skinner is making $9 million a year to put the puck in the net, why he wouldn’t get paired with wunderprospect Dylan Cozens I have no idea. I just don’t know!!

Eric Staal had a turnover that was pretty costly but when I go back into the office again for the first time in however many months I’m sure I’m going to screw up too and microwave fish or something. (I’m sure my co-workers loved the weekly curry deliveries.) One of the goals the Capitals scored was an empty netter at the end, so really the game was 5-4 going into the last minute – Krueger pulled the goalie with like 4 minutes left and it paid off. Pulling the goalie that early was a new strategy for me, for some reason I thought it just got done in the last minute but with the Sabres down two goals with 4 minutes left it made sense.

This game wasn’t a moral victory or anything but it was entertaining enough to watch. And the Sabres play the Caps again tonight. One of the things I tried to do for myself is learn a little bit about who Buffalo is playing. I knew the Caps won the Cup in 2017-2018 but the pre-game show for the Caps implied that the coach was a different guy — the Caps won the Cup with a guy named Barry Trotz, who left the team after winning the Cup due to a contract dispute. That’s crazy! I feel like if a coach ever wins a championship in Buffalo for hockey or football that guy would never be allowed to fly out of the city, something they really only initiated for people involved with the Capitals this last week, ha ha ha.