Greta Lumpard is the Bravest Person I Know. (In the Style of Rick Reilly)
May 27th, 2010 by Knuckles the Clown

Greta Lumpard is the bravest person I know. You think Lebron James is tough? Try dunking without legs! Think Steve Nash can shoot? Try beating Greta’s career shooting percentage of 100!

It all started when coach Norm Frumpfeltd of the St. Eor’s Baptist High noticed something at games. A shrill voice cheering the Lady Gophers on. He couldnt figure out where his number one fan was till he looked down to tie his shoe. Their stood his future greatest player, all 2’4″ of her!

You see Greta was born with Stumponge disease. A rare bone disorder that results in the arm and leg bones not developing. Greta was doomed to a life hardship till she saw the St Eor’s Lady Gophers on public access and asked her foster mother “What is that?” Her foster mother unlocked her cage and let Greta watch a couple quarters with the sound on and she was hooked!

The nuns at Eor’s managed to make a special seat out of balsa wood so Greta could go to games. You think you got it made with box seats at the Knicks? Try court side for at the Lady Gophers! Once coach Frumpfetd noticed Greta he immediatley asked her, “would you like to be our “manager”? Greta cried yes quicker than Phil Mickleson at a buffet line.

It was a rough season for the Lady Gophers they were being blown away by Crispus Attucks High in the season finale, when Shronda Jackson, the All-city Cathlic Power Forward for CA got an idea. Why not let Greta in the game!!?????!!!!!!

Coach Frumpfeltd grinned. He called for a time out. And asked Greta if she wanted to be a Lady Gopher! Greta cried “yes sir”

Shronda Jackson and Betsy Mcgilicudy, bitter enemies all game carried Greta to the basket. They lifted her up high balanced the ball on her head. Greta bowed her head the ball swished through and the box score in the paper the next day read “Lumpard 2”.

There was no mention of the accidental dropping of Greta and ensuing broken neck. It mattered not to Greta who earned her Varsity letter going out on top. You see, even though she has no arms or legs, She’s got more heart than Secretariat! Eat that Vince Carter!

The Day I Was Almost Killed By Hot Sauce
May 20th, 2010 by Pinback

That day would be September 14, 2006.

Here is some The Backstory for you:

The Backstory

I’ve been growing quite the hot sauce collection at my desk at work. It is currently up to 19 sauces. I get most of them from Bay Cities Deli which is right down the street and has a wide selection.

One day last week I went uber-extreme for the first time and bought a $10, 4oz bottle of “Da Bomb: Ground Zero”. Da Bomb makes three sauces, and Ground Zero is the middle of the three. The “mildest” (if you can call it that, which you definitely cannot) is “Beyond Insanity”, and the most brutal is “Final Answer” ($40 a bottle).

So anyway, I taste a half-drop of Ground Zero, and it is brutal. I spontaneous get up, leave the room, and start walking around the office, with no particular place to go. But I’m on fire, and am seeing stars.

Good stuff.

The Story

Anyhows, since then I’ve been systematically upping my tolerance, and decided to hit Bay Cities again for a couple new “extreme” sauces. (“Extreme” sauces are those for which the primary heat component is pepper extract, rather than actual chiles. In this way, the heat is concentrated to levels previously unheard of.) I got Dave’s Insanity, which I’d tried many years ago and which I’d feared ever since, and the aforementioned Da Bomb: Beyond Insanity. It actually didn’t occur to me until I reached the checkout aisle the humor of buying both Insanity and Beyond Insanity in the same purchase.

I went back to my desk, and made a cheese sandwich. I took half, and slathered one of the pieces of bread with the Dave’s Insanity, which in its day was far and away the hottest thing on Earth, but since then had been far surpassed by other “extremer” extreme sauces.

It was hot. Very hot.

But… edible! And I got through the whole half sandwich without having any particular sort of conniption, and life was good. I’d conquered Dave’s Insanity, after 15 years!

So I turned to Beyond Insanity, which I was no longer particularly afraid of, since 1) I had just eaten Dave’s with no particularly harsh effects, and 2) it was supposedly half the heat level of Ground Zero, which I’d already tasted and survived the previous week.

So I shmeared that shit on the other half of the sandwich, and went to town.


That was a spicy meatball. About halfway through I was gagging acid and running around the office sweating and hoping to avoid being seen. Then I went back and finished the sandwich. I actually dipped it into one of my other sauces, just hoping to cool it down. Specious logic, but I was willing to try anything. Holy crap, was that hot. You know why? Because half the heat level of INFINITE HEAT is still INFINITE HEAT. Yowza.

It was truly: beyond insanity.

But the burn cooled eventually, and I sat triumphant. Good times. Love the hot sauces.

Flash forward to seven hours later, when I leave the office and head up to visit savvyraven, and go with her to the Big Brother wrap party (where I met lots of famous people I’ve never heard of!) Wow. Just, wow.

As I begin my trek down the 10, it starts. A low, dull ache somewhere deep within my gastrointestinal system. Felt something like between a need to puke and a need to grow a tail. With just a little bit of plain old pain. But it’s low, and it’s dull, and it grows a little to medium-low and medium-dull, and maybe at its zenith it’s graduated to significant discomfort, but that fades eventually, and within ten minutes, I’m back to normal.

Ha! That lunch was catching up with me! Thank goodness that’s over, though. Not too bad, and well worth the good times I’d had.

I turn onto the 405.

This is when it occurs to me, I’d had the Dave’s half of the sandwich… then waited a while… and then had Da Bomb half.

And that’s when it hit.

The low, dull aching was nowhere to be seen. A dagger, bathed in hot sauce, stabbed me with great malice and vigor right in my gut. It twisted and turned. It’s steely sharp edge turning my insides to tartare.

It hurt. A lot. And as I descended the grade that separates the Valley from the Santa Monica bay area, I realized I was breathing very heavy, trying to withstand the agony. Breathing too heavily. Hyperventilating.

And the sounds of the highway were replaced by a high ringing sound. And my hands gripped ever tighter the steering wheel, for they too were going numb. Getting dizzy. Getting faint…

This is too perfect, I thought. I was going to pass out on the freeway. Killed by hot sauce. Poetic.

Unable to think of anything but stopping the car, I urgently made my way over to the very next exit, pulled off, found a side street, parked, put the seat back, and just died. My hands were completely numb. I fumbled unsuccessfully for the phone to call savvyraven to let her know I’d be a few minutes late. Lights and sounds swirled around in an acid dream jumble. This was the end of my life.

But, as is always the case with hot sauces, no matter how powerful, 15 minutes later, it’s all over. My circulation came back, my breathing slowed. I could feel the steering wheel in my hand, and the sweat dripping off the top of my head.

It smelled funny.

I fired the car back up, and headed on to my evening engagement. But the rest of the night, milling with CBS executives and dodging supermodels to get to the buffet, I could not escape the thought… The thought that:


Omegle and the Z-Machine
May 18th, 2010 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Bananadine, from Caltrops, has a thread going that depicts his attempts to bridge the gap between a Z-machine interpreter and the program Omegle. What is Omegle? It is a website that picks another user at random when you connect, and puts you in an awkward conversation. Here’s some of his output:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Welcome to Adventure!
You: The Interactive Original
You: By Will Crowther (1973) and Don Woods (1977)
You: Reconstructed in three steps by:
You: Donald Ekman, David M. Baggett (1993) and Graham Nelson (1994)
You: [In memoriam Stephen Bishop (1820?-1857): GN]
You: Release 5 / Serial number 961209 / Inform v6.21(G0.33) Library 6/10
You: At End Of Road
You: You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building. Around you is a forest. A small stream flows out of the building and down a gully.
Stranger: The fuck
You: That’s not a verb I recognise.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Unfortunately, there is almost literally…. literally NOTHING BUT THE ILLITERATE on Omegle. So this isn’t nearly as awesome as it could be.

Here’s the thread. Includes failed transcripts from games like LOCK & KEY and Sensory Jam.

Why Stubhub Sucks And Why You Should Never Trust Them
May 13th, 2010 by Ice Cream Jonsey

I’d never seen Roy Halladay pitch in person. He was traded from Toronto to Philadelphia in the off-season, and he was scheduled to pitch at Coors Field in Denver, Colorado on May 11th, 2010. I bought three tickets in the section behind home plate, with the idea that I’d see the game with Pinback and savvyraven.

The game was rained out. It was rescheduled as the evening game on May 12th, which was also rained-out. I’ll ignore the part where Halladay pitched while I was stuck at work, at 1:10 PM on the 12th.

With two straight rain-outs, this definitely qualifies for Stubhub’s cancellation policy, right? I ought to be getting a full refund, because that’s what they promise. Unfortunately, they are lying pieces of disease desperate for your money. I’ll post my e-mail exchange with them. Now keep in mind – there’s no makeup day announced. In order to have the Yankees and Red Sox play each other in 19 unwatchable games, all teams in a division play each other as much as humanly possible. This means that two teams in the National League, but of different divisions (like the Rockies and Phillies) have one series in each city.

So, with absolutely no makeup game scheduled, I thought there should be no question that I get a complete refund.

Stubhub couldn’t be bothered to send an e-mail when the second game was rained out, so I started things off:

Dear sirs,

I had purchased tickets for the Philadelphia at Colorado game for May 11th, and as you note, the make-up game was also rained out.

Stubhub’s policy is that when an event is cancelled, a full refund is in order. Philadelphia isn’t coming anywhere near Colorado again this season due to the unbalanced MLB schedule, and history shows that the games will probably not ever be played. MLB has announced no makeup date, and it’s rather poor form to leave me in limbo indefinitely.

Can I please get a refund for my three tickets to this event?


I received the following reply:

Dear Robb,

Thank you for contacting StubHub.

Tickets for the original date of 5/11 will be honored. No refunds will be issued at this time. We will attempt to inform our buyers of any updates regarding this event as soon as information is made available to us. However, we recommend that you regularly check with the team for the most up to date information.

If you can no longer use your tickets, there is still time to sell them on StubHub. Visit our Help section and check out the Seller Learning Center to learn all about Getting Started Listing.

If you have any questions, please send us an email

Thank you for shopping at StubHub!


StubHub Customer Service
Weekdays: 5:00AM — 8:00PM (PST)
Weekends: 6:00AM — 7:00PM (PST)

StubHub! Where Fans Buy & Sell Tickets (TM)

I’d like to note that they asked me to write them back using this e-mail address: That e-mail address doesn’t work. They are missing a space there.

I replied with this:


This really isn’t acceptable.

There is no possibility that the game will be made up in Colorado. More, since there is no game that is going to be played, your advice about selling these tickets on Stubhub included in your mail is not
particularly helpful. FOR SALE: 3 TICKETS TO IMAGINARY GAME.

Can you please escalate this issue to someone with the power to initiate a refund? Or give me an alternate e-mail or phone number to use to address this situation? I am extremely disappointed in the
customer service I have received so far.

And the thing to take from this is that, yeah, it’s just a form mail they sent me, because they’re cunts, but they wanted me to use Stubhub to sell tickets to a game that has not been announced, and WON’T be announced.

Their reply:

Dear Robb,

Thank you for contacting StubHub.

I apologize for the confusion regarding this issue. A makeup game for this postponed event will be played. Tickets for the original date of 5/11 will be honored. No refunds will be issued at this time. We will attempt to inform our buyers of any updates regarding this event as soon as information is made available to us. However, we recommend that you regularly check with the team for the most up to date information.

Please feel free to check for the most up-to-date information regarding this situation. Below, I have provided you a link regarding the latest press release regarding the situation.

Rockies vs Phillies Postponed Game

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us.


StubHub Customer Service
Weekdays: 5:00AM — 8:00PM (PST)
Weekends: 6:00AM — 7:00PM (PST)

So they are asking me to go to that link at the Rockies’ site to tell me that, yeah, there’s no date for the new game. What it does say is this: When the date is determined, announcements regarding the rescheduled game will be made during Rockies game broadcasts and on the team’s official website,

QUICK LET ME TELL YOU a radio broadcast I’d never listen to and a website I’d never go to.

Announcements will be made during game broadcasts…. are you KIDDING ME. Jesus Christ. “Boy, I’d better listen to the Rockies for the rest of the season! Yay baseball!”

So I replied with this:

Dear sirs,

There is no possibility that a makeup game will occur in Colorado. I have cross-referenced the schedules of both the Rockies and Phillies and, with the exception of All-Star Weekend, there is no day that both Colorado and Philadelphia have off concurrently before the end of the season. The only way these games will be played in Colorado is if a pennant race directly affects both teams, and somehow I think you’ll understand if I don’t take it on faith that Stubhub is going to reimburse me sometime in August when one of these teams are eliminated.

The thought of Stubhub holding onto my money for some nebulous game that will never, ever be played within a thousand miles of my house is laughable in its arrogance. I would like to strenuously request a refund.

In using the Stubhub site, I would like to address two issues that escaped quality assurance. The first is that the password retrieval page is broken under Chrome – both the sign up button and cancel text occupy the exact same space on the page. More, there is an error in the automated e-mail forms that inform the user he or she should write “”. There should be a space between the word “at” and “customerservice.”

Having now given something to you, I would very much appreciate it if you would, in return, issue me a freaking refund for a game that will never be played in my home state. I hope that you fully understand that the game was rained out not once, but twice, and in addition to literally being rained one night and snowed on the other in May, I didn’t see so much as the ceremonial first pitch, which ought to go to ME for putting up with this nonsense.

Please issue me a refund.


And they haven’t written back, again, because Stubhub is a company filled with lying weasels that think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking your money for a game that never occurred. Why would I ever go through them again? They’ve basically sold me the equivalent of game 8 of the World Series and games 2 and 3 of the Super Bowl. Anyway, the thing to take out of all this is that I paid for the tickets with Paypal, who is a partner of Stubhub and filled with bottom-feeding, incompetent retards that don’t understand the basics of capitalism in their own right. Everyone I’ve spoken to says to get an American Express card, because they live for this. Don’t give Stubhub any money. If the event gets rained out, they will steal your money.

Posting On The Outer Edge
May 8th, 2010 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Here is a forum:

It doesn’t look like much. Threaded conversation – the kids hate that today! No logins – the kids are deathly afraid of that! When it was in its heyday, there wasn’t even a CAPTCHA. It also probably had less than ten regular readers when it was being updated. It is (was) Pinback’s Web Central 3 BBS.

I am completely fascinated with forums, and I run a couple of them myself. I also ran a dial-up BBS for 9 years in the 90s. (I still have the hard drive with all the contents, and a CD with the contents of that hard drive. It’ll make a comeback, some day.) I’m fascinated in the dynamics, the ways the software dictates the style and content of conversation, and how desperate people are to cling to the great division in format: threaded vs. flat. What was accomplished on PWC3 fascinates me to this day.

There were three main posters on PWC3 – Pinback, Gerrit and myself. We had contributions from a handful of others, but I think it’s safe to say that 95% of the posts were from three people. And yet, when you go to the site, you might see posts from people like the Boysauce Commando, the Sundae Goblin, or digital depression. Now obviously, the intent wasn’t to ever make people think, “wow, there is a guy who actually works in the military who gets propositioned by his commanding officer constantly” as it was to simple try to be amusing on a bulletin board. The three of us seemed to almost constantly want to top each other and honestly, I wouldn’t post this web log if I didn’t think it still held up today.

But yeah, what absolutely doesn’t work on the Internet is when I tell you, “This is funny: go read it.” People almost immediately get defensive. “It’s funny, REALLY? EAT MY ASS” seems to be the normal reaction. Of course, I say this, keeping in mind that I have been introduced to the FX TV show “Archer” and air-traffic control sims lately, and enjoyed them both. So really, this is just my impression of the rest of mankind and maybe you’ll prove me wrong here – I waited like ten years to write this blog entry, but maybe you’re bored at work and looking for some content. Here’s some friggin’ content.

I think Pinback will agree that the funniest of all of us was Gerrit. I linked to the Sundae Goblin before, but very, very few things crack me up like when the Goblin freaks out because SUNLIGHT turns them to STONE. Ha ha ha! Additionally, the musings of the PWC2 Reader / Tragic Burn Victim is just… genius.

Pinback’s Web Central 3 BBS was a tiny corner of the Internet that brought joy to a few close friends, and getting back to the theme of fascination – it exists on the net, almost accidentally. Someday, will fail, and all these posts will be gone. Someday, some prick will do to their hosted forums what Yahoo! did to Geocities. And I will be sad. But how many of these little forums are out there, where a group of friends just busted each other’s chops and engaged in a kind of performance art for each other? One of the things I think I want to do is again run a dial-up BBS, as there’s just something tantalizing about passing information in 2010 that is completely away from the Internet. And I don’t mean that it would just be a useful way to libel people – just being on the peripheral of the great communication network intrigues me.

I’ll leave you with this. For seven years I’ve posted as the fastest man in the world here. It remains the lengthiest sub-project I have ever continuously been involved with. And I must now go, because I think Spinner! is finally going to start answering questions.

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