Foods I Could Eat Every Day
Jul 31st, 2008 by Pinback

In keeping with the end of the latest Golden Age, I’ll start this feature, a pointless, deadly dull funeral dirge of content that nobody could possibly care about even if you paid them to read it by the ASCII character.

In this thread I will list for you all of the foods that I think I could eat happily every single day. Of course, if I wasn’t fortunate enough to have a wide variety of foods to choose from, and I just had to eat whatever’s around, then of course I’m gonna be happy eating whatever I got every day. You know what I mean, though. Stop trying to ruin this terrible thread.


Pho, that staple of Vietnamese cuisine. A most delectable combination of aromatic broth, rice noodles, meats and herbs which just seems to provide a new flavor with every bite. There is no greater anticipation than that which you feel when a boiling-hot steaming bowl is shoved underneath your face. Tear in some basil leaves, squeeze in a little lime, and go to town. There’s no “correct” way to eat it, but if you don’t end up with broth and crap all over your face and the table you’re sitting at, having made disgusting slurping noises all the while, then you have definitely done something wrong!

Pho. More than any other food on this list, I could eat it every single day and never get bored. Grab some today!

My Updates Will Be Horrible!
Jul 30th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

All right, I am deep into the swing of things when it comes to Cryptoooooooo-zooooookeeper, so it gets to be like eleven o’clock and I realize that I haven’t updated the website. That’s on me! And I do mean eleven o’clock at night, because it would be pretty damn cheeky to roll into work at ten AM and then start getting bloggy an hour later. (Although I normally go for lunch at eleven-thirty, so I am not going to pretend I am up for any awards.)

We – and I truly mean we, this is not the royal we, Gerrit, Ben and my brother have been incredible throughout all this – have been doing this since about Aprilish, and I don’t think we have missed a day, except for those Fridays that I actually took a vacation day, and, of course, holidays that fall on weekdays. I hope that the site at least gives you, the reader, thirty seconds of entertainment before you go to other websites that more deserve your attention. (I am not being humble, for x given website, it truly does.) At the same time, according to this Google Analytics report I have in front of me, the average time spent on the site is 26 seconds, so I clearly have things to strive for here.

Let’s finish this update by telling you what I LIKE. And then you can either agree with me, or make fun of the BBS posters in the comments section below.

CURRENT FAVORITE WEBSITE: The Killer List of Video Games Forum. I won’t bother attaching a link, because trying to get registered to where you can read it is honestly the most tedious process on the Internet, save for setting a twelve-character password for the Something Awful Forum. I finally got the ten games I wanted most in my arcade, got them all to the point where they work nicely, got all the coin lights going, got them all to the point where they had keys and locks so the cats wouldn’t get in… and then my girl left me.

FAVORITE CURRENT WEBCOMIC: It has to be Dinosaur Comics! It really is the only one worth reading on the Internet that I am aware of, at least since I lost the link I had saved for Red Meat. Do any of you ever do that – do you ever have links on particular PCs, and then when that PC dies (er, actually, in this case it was my second PC at AMD, and I quit that job) you stop going to the site because you don’t have it handy? No? I — okay??

CURRENT FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM: Hey, the Blue Jays just dropped two out of three to the AL East-leading Rays. This means that I can apply the $14.95 I spent on each month to my extended Directv bill, for the NEW ORLEANS SAINTS. For like five months out of the year Directv is $92.93, because I get all the games. Meanwhile, Directv has stealthily raised their base prices from $32.99 (when I first moved to Colorado) to $50.99. I’m sorry, did the satellites get dirty and they had to send someone up there to clean them? They have blanketed the ENTIRE NATION with their seed, how the fuck are their expenses going up each year? How is this anything other than a blatant cash grab that makes me feel like I have throbbing muttonchops when I complain about it? Every post bitching about your TV should start out with, “hmm, yes, I”

CURRENT FAVORITE CAT: I have just three now, and the favorite is actually still Frobozz! The one I actually wanted is the favorite for three years straight running now. He’s going to give the guy that won all those times at Jeopardy! a run pretty shortly, so long as the topics include NOT IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF ICJ. Frobozz starts at the $1000 question and goes down the line, to show off, when that topic comes up.

CURRENT SHOW BEING WATCHED ON DVD: Spaced! Maybe it’s just me, but the best parts aren’t actually all the geek references. Hey, I am talking about TV, the muttonchops are closing in, gotta cut this short. HMM, YES.

Election 2008
Jul 29th, 2008 by Knuckles the Clown

Not that any of you stuffed crust wastoids will be leaving your computers long enough to hit the voting booth, “I SHOULD BE ABLE TO VOTE THROUGH THE INTERNET” you cry. Yeah if there was internet voting back in 1969 your precious Star Trek would still be on the air and I’m guessing Scott Bakula would still have a prominent role.

Anyhow after reading through your posts the last year I’ve come to the realization that the majority of you want a candidate that makes you feel like your still in the confines of mommies womb. You don’t want anyone rocking the boat, everything to cost nothing and for the oppressed people of the world to keep on living in filth while their evil governments make important decisions- like circumcising female babies, testing chemical weapons on dogs and blowing up Jews.

Therefore I’m going to play a guessing game about those who I slightly know and predict who they are going to vote for.

ICJ- Is a known Lieberman hater yet loves Israel. So the Jew factor cancels out. I know Lieberman isn’t running but all of his former democrat cronies are the most pathetic saps of second hand guessing and double talking shit-fucks I’ve ever seen. Robb hates Bush cause he’s represents one of the “cool” people that left Robb out of the cold in Junior High. My prediction? He throws his vote down the toilet and vote for Nader, which is a vote for McCain! EVERYONE WINS!

Pinback- Here’s another guy who can’t vote for Bush because Bush is too much IN YOUR FACE PINBACK! He needs a subtle, caring candidate that makes him feel good about himself and that things are gonna be all right. My prediction: Earl F. Dodge of the Prohibition Party.

Vitriola- This crazy woman is all over the place. She wants to rock to Icelandic Goat Sacrificing Rock while being wooed by fine wine and simple pleasures. So who the fuck knows? My guess: Michael Bay of the “National Barking Spider Resurgence” Party. I’m not fucking kidding; this weirdo is actually running for President. Don’t believe me-

Lysander- HAHAHA He lives in Alaska. Do they even have the right to vote there? Has any candidate ever visited the state? Does current President Bush even know there is a state called Alaska? My guess is after McCain gets elected he will pull all the oil out of that freezer box and tell the Russians “Here you go, have it back, good fucking riddance” Other than when the Russians repeal the Caribou protection act, nobody will notice. BTW, Lysander, I am so sorry you have to actually listen to this shit. That’s as close to remorse and an apology you’ll ever get out of me. Get Bent.

Danzaland- I know he hates everything and has morphed in to some type of conspiracy theory brainwashing thingy. Bush is the perfect president for these guys but the fact Bush doesn’t openly bash gays, blacks and Jews makes THESE guys think he is a bleeding heart. At heart, Danza is a constitutionalist and will vote for whatever white trash degenerate foolishly accepts their nomination, thus ending the candidate’s career in any job field that doesn’t require wearing a paper hat or cleaning up dog feces.

If I’ve left anyone out it’s because I don’t know you or more likely I couldn’t give two shits and you don’t matter to me. However, I am more than happy to tell everyone who you will be voting for if you like!

I’m off to Pandan Land!
Jul 28th, 2008 by ChainGangGuy

Get ready, because if you thought Tomato World was a blast, wait until we start talking pandan.

Goodbye, everybody! I’m off to Pandan Land!

That’s two for flinching!

BEER: Laughing Buddha’s Pandan Brown Ale

Laughing Buddha, operating out of Seattle, Washington, is steadfastly dedicated to their flagship motto of “crafting modern Asian-style beers”. That’s a rather tall order! Their business model is both simple and straight-forward: push the brews into every local Thai, Japanese, and Chinese restaurant. In addition to the Pandan Brown, their line-up also includes a Ginger Pale Ale and a Mango Weizen, all of which will certainly stand out against the all too typical Asian rice-based lagers.

You may be asking yourself: “What’s a pandan?” Well, let me first say there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling ashamed or embarrassed by being unfamiliar with pandan. I, too, felt a tiny twinge of shame for having to rely on Wikipedia to fill my head with pandan-related knowledge.

Wikipedia wrote:
Pandanus amaryllifolius is a tropical plant in the screwpine genus which is known commonly as pandan and used widely in Southeast Asian cooking. It is an erect green plant with fan-shaped sprays of long, narrow, bladelike leaves and woody aerial roots.”

OK, hit me with another!

Wikipedia wrote:
“The plant is sterile, flowers only very rarely, and is propagated by cuttings.”

Ah yes, didn’t we all grow up with a few kids like that?

Oh, and in addition to the fermentables found within the grains, Laughing Buddha has thrown in a fermentable sugar: palm sugar, also an ingredient found in many Thai dishes.

Both the aroma and flavor deliver the archetypical brown ale qualities: chocolate, caramel, lightly fruity esters, a slight breadiness. Galena hops deliver a restrained, spicy bitterness. Beyond that, you have the pandan leaves imparting a noticeable nuttiness and what would be adequately described as a very mild, savory vegetal quality to it.

Is it a disappointment? Hardly! The pandan adds a bit of Asian-style uniqueness to what can, in all honesty, be a real ho-hum style at times and while you will not find “Pandan Brown Ale” mentioned within the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path or listed under the Four Noble Truths, it should be welcome in anyone’s list of “Flavorful, Yet Relatively Refreshing Browns”.

Necrotic Drift is today’s update for Play This Thing
Jul 25th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Emily Short wrote up a nice piece for today’s game on Play This Thing. It is honestly things like this that makes it — the creation of text games — all worthwhile. Plus, Play This Thing has a nice web layout. Thanks, Emily!

Oh yeah, this is also the update for today around here, so football week was also four days, like Knuckles the Clown week. I will leave comments on so my own brother can attack my upbringing, which always stings until I go HEYYYYY.

The NFC South – Tradition and Excellence
Jul 24th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Greg from Atlanta writes:
How are the Tampa Bay Buccaneers looking for this year?

Here’s the great thing about the NFC South – it has the least amount of “tradition” of any division in any of the four major sports, except that hockey one with Atlanta, Carolina and Washington. I would like to tell you a quick story about tradition, but it involves Boston-bashing, of which I am trying to do LESS. I know many wonderful people in the Boston area and if I get on the bandwagon of hating sports fans in that area, I am going to lose real friends. So none of that!

But anyway, I was on a bus back from Bills-Saints right before 9/11 and this worthless chowd starts giving me shit about the Blue Jays and their lack of tradition. He was lamenting how they won the World Series twice and, at the time, the Red Sox hadn’t in like 8,000 years. “No tradition,” he hissed.

Now, he was a terrible sports fan (Stieb, Barfield, Bell, Cox, Jimy, Carter, Alomar, etc.) but it shocked me that people actually care about that sort of thing. We shouldn’t! Teams shouldn’t get advantages because they were good 50 years ago, and that’s why, even though the NFC South is pretty terrible, we do manage to dump a decent team into the mix each season. In fact, I’d bet that the NFC South has had the least amount of time elapse since all 4 teams made it to the Championship game of their respective conference. I am not going to look it up, but the last one to make it was Tampa Bay in 2002: Bills/Browns/Texans/Chiefs haven’t been there recently in the AFC, and Cowboys/Lions/Niners in the NFC. I’m sure there were others, but honestly, I think about horrible sports teams enough in my free time, I’m trying to keep the blog more professional.

So with that in mind, I can answer the question about the chances of the Bucs, Falcons, Panthers and Saints by saying anything we think we know is completely irrelevant! I think Atlanta will win the division, and here is why:

– How many drives were killed by a combination of Vick and Harrington and the awful hands of Falcons’ receivers? I looked it up, and 872 drives were negatively affected by the QBs not being able to pass and the receivers not being able to catch, skills which help both positions. No wonder they run the hell out of the ball, usually. Chris Redman was the best pure quarterback they had in ages. But because of the worst-to-first tendencies in the NFL, I am convinced that Matt Ryan will be a star.

— Last year they had a clearly disinterested coach, and while I don’t think it’s necessary to go to bed at 3:00 AM and wake up in your office at 5:12 AM, having a guy who seems somewhat happier to be there in Mike Smith is going to make a clear difference.

— I have gleefully pointed to the Saints’ schedule as the worst one in franchise history (worst, as in, contains the most terrible teams) but the Falcons benefit as well. Detroit, KC, Chicago, Oakland, and St. Louis. The Falcons suffer because they can’t play the Falcons twice, but those are otherwise five games I would actually favor them in to start the season. Anything can happen in a division game, so let’s say they split – 8-8 is very possible without having made a ridiculous argument yet.

— There should be an important statistical analysis of the receivers, linemen, staff and playbook of the Falcons inserted here. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as a good PECOTA tool for football, so none of it matters. A prediction supported by my nonsense has just as much chance as ringing true as one with actual numbers behind it.

So that’s what I feel about the division. On paper, I think the Saints have the most talent, due to the fact that they brought in Shockey, Vilma, Sedrick Ellis and Randall GAY, but they also have the only coach capable of losing games on his own in the division. (I will give Mike Smith the benefit of the doubt here, it’s quite possible I’m wrong and he tries to ice a victory by having a beleaguered halfback attempt a reverse with the WR with the worst hands in the league, and… okay, no, that’s not possible.) The Bucs have the best coach, but I can’t believe that John Fox is on the hot seat. Well, what can you say, it is what it is.

Everything is up for grabs, but my early prediction is that whoever wins the division is playing for the right to go to the Super Bowl. The NFC South will have played the most worst teams, probably suffered the least amount of injuries and had the most pressure on their coaches. We may see one good team and three squads of abortion that are horrible enough that Fref Phelps starts protesting outside the stadia, but still.

Let’s Solve Some (NFL) Problems
Jul 23rd, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

What are men good at? Problem solving! Let’s go and solve some problems around the NFL. We can’t solve all the problems, but that won’t stop us – men! – from trying.

There’s no downside to bringing Brett back because people get hurt all the time in the NFL. You’re saying to yourselves that you want Aaron Rodgers to have control of the team early on, so he establish his blah blah blah. Why? WHY? Let Favre start and when he, being 39 years old, takes one in the sternum, you have Rodgers ready to play. Yes, Brett has never missed a game – neither did Cal Ripken until he started missing games.

Additionally, the quality of play decreases as the season goes on, because starters everywhere get hurt. So Rodgers will face worse teams the longer this goes on. If Rodgers plays like shit, then move him back to the bench when Favre is healthy. If he plays well, then great. PROBLEM SOLVED!

You’ve needed a quarterback since Jim Kelly left town, and nothing will ever improve until you get one. Kelly isn’t strictly correct; Flutie was flawed but good enough to play ball. And Wade Phillips let him start the entire season, only to pull him before the playoffs. You all deserve this, for fucking around with the QB spot like that. But that was around 8 years ago, so I think we can heal now.

I encouraged you to take Matt Leinart, and who knows how that has panned out. But I’d take a QB in the first until you get a good one. Brady’s not going anywhere, and you’re going to need to gun with him. Get a QB, a REAL quarterback and… PROBLEM SOLVED!

Your blood is too iron-rich, which is why knives and bullets are so attracted to your general person. Get off red meat and fish for a few months and you should be fine. Let the gunfire erupt around you. Also, don’t move to Oakland if you were traumatized by a teammate’s unsolved murder (thanks Denver cops – between this and the JonBenét debacle, the only real crime you’ve solved recently was Columbine, and those two spotted you their crimson-smeared faces in a crumpled pile while still wearing ammo. Keep writing those traffic tickets though). PROBLEM SOLVED!

When Brady is out there throwing it around up by fifty, you send each player with instructions to destroy his KNEES. The knee is the worst body part to get injured in the NFL. (Right now the spine is flipping his keyboard.) It takes at least six months to recover – some of these guys have started tearing ligaments in the playoffs and coming back the next season, but still, that gets rid of him for the rest of the year. If his backup, Matt Cassel,  is raining death upon you then that’s part of the game and your team should think about being disbanded. But to see grown men let the scores get run up like they did last year, with — in one case! — the Pats going after the knees of the Bills’ quarterback!!!!! … is amazing. This single-handily makes rugby players more manly men with more pride. If Belichick is going to be stupid enough to keep sending him out there, then hurt him. PROBLEM SOLVED!

Remove everyone from the team but Matt Millen, clearly, this is an organizational issue, except for, like, the very top. PROBLEM SOLVED!

Nobody gives a shit about games in Europe, the game is worthless without a good salary cap, floor and revenue sharing, the draft should never leave NYC, the draft should start at 11:00 EST, the concept of the NFL Network is retarded since you get all your money from the networks, disciplining these animals that line up each Sunday doesn’t matter and nobody gives a good goddamn about football in Los Angeles. Fuck all this up, however! You’re doing great work. Just because people in their thirties have never truly had a horrible commissioner run the NFL, it doesn’t mean we don’t recognize it since (after the OKC / Seattle debacle) every other major sport has a completely worthless guy at the highest level. Actually, you fit right in. PROBLEM NOT SOLVED!

The Jeremy Shockey / Jason Taylor Trades
Jul 22nd, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

How nice of the Saints to deal for Jeremy Shockey during football week here at JC!

The deal was a 2nd and 5th round pick in the 2009 draft for Shockey. I had really hoped that the Saints weren’t going to give a second up, but, well. At the same time, the track record of draft picks for the Saints has been almost universally terrible, and if football were subject to the same kind of statistical analysis as baseball, I’d suggest a stat like Average Team Draft Pick Worth, where we see that a draft pick by, say, the Steelers is worth a lot more than one by the Saints, because the Saints are so bad at it.

I think the Saints had a good draft this year. They were terrible in 07. It was great in 06. Why not roll the dice on Shockey? He makes the team better immediately, and head coach Sean Payton doesn’t have a contract for 2009. For as good an offense the Saints had in 2006, the 2007 Saints were held to low points many times and just couldn’t get it going. So they now have another option.

The knocks on Shockey is that he is an enormous douchebag, that Eli Manning got better when he wasn’t around, and that he drops some catchable balls. I don’t care about the first. I really don’t – so he called Bill Parcells a homo. I’m pretty sure that Bill Parcells has said some mean things to his players over the years. Everyone’s a (rich) (well-compensated) (don’t feel sorry for them) adult here. I haven’t seen anyone deny that he leaves it all on the field.

Manning may have gotten better with Shockey not around, but that’s not going to be an issue with Drew Brees, who helped make an All-Pro out of TE Antonio Gates in San Diego. Brees is in his prime, and if the two of them put in the work they should play well together.

As for dropping balls, well, that puts Shockey right at home with the other receivers on the team except Colston. (It is amazing to see Marques Colston work – when he drops one, it’s because someone took his legs out from him. When Devery Henderson misses one, it’s because someone threw it to him in a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere.) Everybody needs to work on their pass catching in the Saints offense, particularly Reggie Bush, so Shockey can benefits from the drills, too. (And we have no idea what kind of hands Robert Meachem has in the pro game.)

So, I guess I like the move. A second rounder is very, very valuable, and I don’t think the Giants had much leverage, so I am not in love with the trade or anything. Giant fans don’t seem to be thrilled with it, which means they don’t feel they ripped off the Saints. Likewise, Saints fans aren’t whooping it up like when we got two first-rounders from the Dolphins for Ricky Williams. I know that on ESPN’s “1st and Ten” the categorically announced this as a triumph of the Giants, but in the NFL you really, really don’t want those kinds of people on those kinds of shows in your corner.

The other big trade was Jason Taylor from Miami to the Redskins. The Skins sort of… well, sort of had to make this move, with defensive ends Phillip Daniels and Alex Buzbee both lost for the season. Taylor is a much, much better player than Shockey, but he’s also older. Taylor says he’ll finish out his contract, so that gives Washington at least two years of good production. Unlike most of the other defensive ends in the game, Taylor is not an anthropomorphic lard field that cavemen dump their waste into, so if he does regress some, it’s not going to be because of his weight.

Washington had made a bunch of horrible moves to get veterans since Daniel Snyder took over the team, but I don’t know if they have ever really brought in someone of Taylor’s quality before? So the shitty moves before colors the good acquisition now. As for Miami, they had to make this move, and good for them to get the second they were looking for. I am very hesitant to say that they will suck next years, because worst-to-first turnarounds in the NFL happen all the time. But they are posing themselves to get back into the playoffs in 2010 with moves like this.

State of the Saints
Jul 21st, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

I’ll make you a deal! You please, please, please read even the football posts and I will try to keep them funny even if you hate football!

All right! When it comes to the NFL and ICJ, things are pretty fucked up! I like a team I picked when I was about four and they have probably been the worst professional sports team in my lifetime, with the possible exceptions of the Los Angeles Clippers and the Houston Texans. The Saints went to the NFC Championship Game two years ago, and I think since they started playing the Super Bowl, the only other NFC team that has not done that is the Cardinals? The Cardinals had some good teams in the 70s, but I can’t recall how far they got. Anyway, going almost 40 years and still being a game from the Super Bowl is not great. Them’s my Saints!

Last year was a complete horror, featuring an 0-4 start, a four game win streak to get even and then a loss against a Rams team that was 0-8 at the time. I was at a friend’s wedding for the Rams game, but I knew leading up to it that the Saints would lose. And I am one of the more positive fans! The Saints don’t beat teams featuring a new, inexperienced quarterback, and they never, ever beat teams that are winless that far into the season.

So it all comes down to this. What has to happen for the Saints to make the playoffs?

– They have to win the winnable games on their schedule. No offense to anybody on the teams the Saints play, but you’re all horrible. The best team the Saints play is San Diego, and that game is in England, where anything can happen! That’s a pretty shitty flight for the Chargers, I guess new and terrible NFL commish Roger Goodell couldn’t quite work out the logistics of flying LT and Merriman to Deimos? Maybe next year, let’s get a team there! (David Stern is stroking his chin, pondering moving the Kings there right now.)

– Nobody can get worse! The offensive line for the Saints needs to hold and nobody can get hurt or take a step back. That will be tough because nothing like that ever happens.

– Reggie Bush doesn’t need to get 25 carries a game, but he does need to get positive yardage when he touches the ball. Always. My friend Brian, after viewing the GET LAMP trailer, said that I was wearing the jersey of the most overrated running back since Ricky Williams, a shot I couldn’t defend! If Bush is scoring every other game, returning punts and generating a little more yardage than he generated in 2006, he’s gonna be fine.

– I can’t even get started with the defense. Jason David was the worst free agent pick-up of all time. If Reggie White was an example of picking someone up correctly, like getting a beautiful escort you pay thousands of dollars for and are honestly worried if she’ll do you at the end of the evening because of how classy she is,  Jason David was going into the prostitute zone within your home town ten blocks from the police station, and yelling that you’ll pay a hundred dollars for a hummer through a megaphone. Doing it that way, you’re overpaying, you’re negotiating poorly, you’re drawing unwanted attention to yourself and Peyton Manning and/or the cops is/are going to set the tone for the night and pick on you.

There are some new players coming in on the defense and honestly, I don’t know that the Saints lost anyone that clutch. They are coming to Denver this year, so I will get a chance to see them and so far nobody has been crippled in workouts, which is a plus! I think that the Patriots are going to go on a revenge-fueled tear through the beginning of the season and ultimately win it all (though I do think someone takes a shot at Brady’s knees if they keep running it up), so all of this is ultimately moot. Hopelessness hasn’t stopped me from buying the NFL Ticket again though, because if you are only going to follow the Saints when it looks like a good deal of hope is involved, you haven’t figured out what rooting for the Saints is like.

Can Tiger Still Win Player of the Year?
Jul 18th, 2008 by Pinback

Well, it’s the third “major” of the year (ed. note: the British Open!), and the first “major” without Tiger Woods since 1996. Many fine golfers will be competing for this “major”, but really, what are they playing for? A trophy that says they beat a bunch of second-rate players? Good for you. Way to go on winning your “major”.

Since Tiger’s not in this, we are going to do something a little different. The rest of this PGA season is now about seeing whether or not Tiger can still win the Player of the Year award.

This would be a ridiculous accomplishment since he will have only played in SIX (6) tournaments the entire year, but is still very possible, since he won FOUR (4) of them, still more than anyone else, and one of those four was the greatest Major victory in golf history.

So let’s take a look at who is left in the field who can even threaten to wrest the award from Tigs by the end of the year:

Anthony Kim (2 wins, 0 majors): Haven’t you heard? Tiger is old news! The old man had a good run, but it’s time for him to step aside and let the new crop of golf geniuses break all his records! And that crop consists of one man, Anthony Kim! A brash young punk who is here to kick ass and take names! The new Tiger, except way better! Like Vijay’s caddy said, TIGER WHO? It’s Anthony Kim’s world now! Why, he’s even won TWO WHOLE TOURNAMENTS this year, wearing idiotic-looking belt buckles! BEST GOLFER EVER! Yeah. Well, he would need a major victory, and possibly another regular tour win this year to win the award. He’s currently tied for 19th in the first round of the British, so he’s in contention. And he is very good. My focus for this British is, instead of rooting for Tiger, rooting very strongly AGAINST Anthony Kim. Join me, won’t you? THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

Kenny Perry (3 wins, 0 majors): He has won 3 out of his last 5 tournaments! All he’d need is a major and he’d probably win the award! Let’s see how he’s doing… oh wait, that’s right, HE’S NOT EVEN PLAYING IN THE BRITISH, in the dumbest move I’ve ever seen a professional golfer man since Rory said Tiger looked more beatable than ever. He can win every other tournament the rest of the year, but without a major, I just don’t see him winning the award. Maybe he’ll play the PGA Championship, though. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Trevor Immelman (1 win, 1 major): If he wins another major, he’ll win the award. Problem is, since his ridiculously improbably Masters win, he hasn’t even been able to make the cut at a miniature golf course. Being on all those talk shows seems to have made him forget how to play. He’s currently tied for 67th in the British. Watch how not worried I am. THREAT LEVEL: ZEE. ROW.

Phil Mickelson (2 wins, 0 majors): FUCK YOU LEFTY. All he’d need is another tour win and a major! How’d he do today? Ah, I see! NICE 79, LEFTY! You managed to break 80! Way to go! Tied for 123rd, don’t give up!! HEE HEE! THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Whoever Wins The British: If anyone can rip off the last two majors, they’ll win. So whoever wins this one will have a shot at it at the PGA. I think the last person to win the last two majors of the year other than Tiger was like nobody. Or Jack Nicklaus or some old guy. Extreedingly unlikely. THREAT LEVEL: VERY LOW

Everyone Else: No chance.

So that’s it, there’s your competitors. Let’s get an Anthony Kim update, since he’s the best golfer of all time! OOPS! Down to a tie for 28th! What’s the matter, KIMMIE???

That’s it for this update. If I were you, I’d not even pay attention to the British, and just watch these three videos over and over and over and over:

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