Today In Shitty Sportswriting
Aug 10th, 2011 by Ice Cream Jonsey

From this awful piece of nonsense.

Several Jays had extreme splits in 2010. Bautista, for example, had a 1.118 OPS (on-base plus slugging) with 33 homers at home but an .879 OPS and 21 dingers on the road. First baseman Adam Lind had a .759 OPS with 15 homers in Toronto but a .660 OPS with eight bombs on the road. Second baseman Aaron Hill? His home-road OPS split was .730-.605.

Lookout, guys! Amy K. Nelson just discovered home/road splits and is ON THE CASE! Ha ha ha!

I took a look at Derek Jeter’s home/road splits in 2010. His OPS at home was .790. His OPS on the road was .633. Since this is a greater split than Lind or Hill, I can only conclude that in the few tenths of a second Jeter has to make a decision on whether or not to hit a ball, he is able to identify hand signals of a man sitting 260 feet away at New Yankee Stadium. Possessing the gritty heart of a champion, this is even more impressive when done in New York, because 90% of all Yankee fans are “clogging the signal” by giving each other the middle finger.

Astonishingly, Jacoby Ellsbury’s home/road splits in 2010 were .304/.556 in favor of playing on the road. Now, I should mention that Ellsbury only played 18 games last year, but making wildly retarded conclusions based on complete fucking nonsense that is obvious noise to anyone with a fourth-grader’s knowledge of baseball would seem to be “in bounds” for what Ms. Nelson came up with here.

I fucking love how a profession — baseball writer / sports reporter — that literally could not have cared less when steroids were making a mockery of the game is now suddenly sounding the alarm, throwing elbows and putting the gumdrop on the police cruiser because Black Dad looked at the miserable lineup he was left with last year and told everyone to swing for the fences. You don’t get a Sports Pulitzer for figuring out why Jose Bautista became the best player in baseball “suddenly,” assholes.

They’ve been playing baseball for over a hundred years. This clenched-lip determination to ensure that Jose Bautista doesn’t make a fool of everyone covering the sport is adorable. But it is almost inevitable that a guy who was unheralded was going to hit like Babe Ruth Lite suddenly. I’m willing to explain what happened, however, and it goes to the first rule of reporting: nobody covering an event or story is going to know what happened better than a fan of the team.

Jose Bautista could always crush left-handed pitching. He’s not really doing anything new there.

Jose Bautista entered a few organizations that have no idea what they were doing (Pittsburgh, Baltimore) and who had no idea what they were doing in 2004 (Kansas City, Tampa Bay).

Jose Bautista was acquired by a team (Toronto) that found itself finally admitting, after 18 years, to start a youth movement and see what they had in a few vets. A lot of people gave Cito Gaston shit for the way he managed when he came back to the Blue Jays, but the guy is one of the few managers in the history of the game to win back-to-back championships. If you ignore things like lineup construction and logic when giving guys “days off” he’s pretty good at what he does, and it was a travesty that he never ended up getting a managerial job with another team. Because of the laughable salary commitments the current state of the game afford a couple franchises in the American League East, Toronto was absolutely primed to unearth nuggets of talent passed over by other teams. Randy Ruiz, in a small sample size, had similar numbers to Bautista in 2009, but elected to play in Japan when he was getting jerked around by the Jays. The same people that saw that Bautista’s play was sustainable did not think Ruiz’s was, and that was proven to be correct.

No I’m just kidding, there’s a man wearing white who can freeze time and give all the Jays batters hand signals regarding what pitch is coming. This is why Aaron Hill went from belting 35 home runs in a season to belting 35 pop-ups in a week last year.

My Reaction to the Roy Halladay Trade
Jan 3rd, 2010 by Ice Cream Jonsey

It’s been a few weeks and I am sane again. I’ve noticed that Phillies fans seem mostly unable to come to grips with their good fortune. So allow me to address you… directly.

Roy might very well put together a sub-1.00 ERA for the first half of the season in your garbage league.

You guys share a division with the Nats. (Christ, if only one of J.P.’s teams could have gone to the NL for a single fucking year.) He might very well no-hit the Nationals… twice. Actually, Roy could no-hit the Nats twice in a home series on zero days rest and I would only be marginally surprised. How do any of you lose to them in the first place? Do you only get to dress seven guys? Six guys and a dog?

‘WAAARGH he might get hurt!’ Halladay missed part of a season because Kevin Mench hit him in the leg. Since it was so unlikely that Mench would make contact in the first place, Mench actually striking Roy was logical, because 1 x infinity = infinity. Roy also had his appendix taken out, because – as the one part of his person not contributing towards a Cooperstown plaque – it did the honorable thing and left.

He also missed time last year due to a sore groin, which he acquired skullfucking the entire AL East by himself. You may remember the AL East from the time you got a cheap WS by playing a team in the snow that we’ve all literally beaten 190 times in 10 years, and then time they sent you home because you were too stupid to acquire Roy at the deadline last year.

You’re getting the best pitcher in baseball for some of your prospects that you’d all just boo to tears anyway. (You’re on your own with the Cliff Lee thing, though since Rosenthal wrote his column in such a bitchtits way, without admitting he had a source, it basically looks like your GM was inspired by his terrible column and did what he said, which, hahaha, well good luck!)

Anyway, thanks again for the prospects, and we’ll see you all again in six years when our terrible ownership suddenly can’t find the money to extend any of them, because they’re among the worst North Americans in human history.

The Best Pitcher On The Planet
Sep 5th, 2009 by Ice Cream Jonsey

After being on the Nipponese end of Roy Halladay destroying, laying nuclear waste to their pathetic teams for fucking years, anonymous douchebag fans from the American League East hopped onto a few of the Blue Jay sites I frequent to jump on Roy for the first bad month he’s had since coming up to the big leagues for good.

I wasn’t even aware he was having a “bad” month in August, because for the first half of it he was still superior to anyone the Sox, Yanks and Rays were throwing out there. It wasn’t lost on the mewling bitches of those teams, though, no doubt stalking Roy’s Baseball Reference splits page, hoping – praying! for something like this, since he’s the best player in the division, and will be till the day he leaves it or retires.

(I’m going to throw in the possibility that some of the anonymous comments were also made by Phillies fans. Normally, if a fanbase is heavily involved in trade talks and the trade falls through, people move on. Philadelphia sports fans will hold a grudge for the rest of their natural life, so engaging in a little trolling the month directly following the trade deadline is within (their) reason.)

On Friday night, Roy Halladay took the mound against a lineup with, what, a single guy that the Yanks actually drafted? Didn’t matter. Halladay no doubt also took a long look at the assembly of pukes and clownshits that Rogers Communications gave him and just went to fucking work.

With Roy on the hill, this team can trot out – actually, there is no way to exaggerate who Rogers Communications could or couldn’t play. Nobody I can plausibly submit would be worse than Kevin Millar hitting fourth, Vernon Wells hitting fifth and Joe Inglett, John McDonald and Rod Barajas hitting wherever the fuck they were hitting. This miserable, contemptible organization gave the best player in franchise history some of the worst players in baseball… and it didn’t matter. It didn’t fucking matter.

This will be the one game I remember from this season. Hopefully, in the yeasr to come, it will be the only game I remember. I have no doubt that the human garbage that own this team will get rid of Roy, the only player worth watching in the last ten years. They’ll fuck it up, and fuck it up at a level where letting 3 of your first 5 picks go unsigned (as they just did in the draft) seems calculated and shrewd. At this point, the pieces of shit running this team – Nadir Mohamed and Paul Beeston, mostly – are nothing short of super-villains, as far as I’m concerned, for the carefully plotted and executed plan to fuck this team over for the next ten years. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were rolling their eyes over the course of Halladay’s dominating performance, since the quicker he disposed of those Yankee fucks, the less time people had to purchase whatever overpriced shit they were hawking at the ballpark.

All this going on, and the worst part of this season is that it has forever tainted my impression of Cito Gaston. He doesn’t pinch hit. He can’t manage a bullpen. He is completely beholden to righty/lefty matchups and (this is the worst part) too fucking stupid to pull platoon partners later in the game when the opposing team has gone to their bullpen. Don’t get me wrong – he’s still middle of the pack in terms of common sense when it comes to the small pool of Professional Baseball Managers, but Cito had the distinction of being the only guy to ever win anything with any of the teams I follow, and now I look at him and see him leave Kevin Millar in the game when a right-handed pitcher enters the game, with Lyle Overbay (.380 OBP) sitting on the bench with his thumb jammed up his ass and just steam. I know the right move, and he doesn’t. It’s infuriating.

But for one night it didn’t matter. For one night the Jays beat the shit out of the collection of mercenaries that got it al right this year, and should sweep a World Series victory. A one-hit, complete game shutout against the best team money can buy. That’s Roy fucking Halladay.

The Excruciating Ways to Catch Baseball
Apr 11th, 2009 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Somebody might tell you that MLB has their act together when it comes to understanding the opportunities that the Internet offers the average fan to catch their favorite team. THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT. You might even hear them say that Bud Selig should be congratulated for these advancements, as if fucking Selig has ever been on the Internet in his entire life. There isn’t a single commissioner in sports doing a good job right now, but that’s another story.

Here’s a breakdown on the sheer incompetence of getting your game. (Please note that I am writing this with the perspective of a guy living in a different market than his team – I live in Colorado and only care about the Blue Jays. If you are within like 200 fucking miles of a stadium, you get to enter the world of PROXIES and various other stupid horseshit.)


So, it’s Saturday and there’s nothing I’d rather do than climb out of bed, shake about ten pounds of cat hair off me, and catch Roy Halladay vs Cliff Lee, in what should be demonstrative proof that Lee winning the Cy Young Award last year was fucking horseshit.

Directv is offering a “preview” of MLB Extra Innings. It’s $160 for the entire year, and honestly, with how much the equivalent is for the NFL, that sounds like a great deal. (I will go ahead and assume that Directv’s NFL Ticket will break $240 in September.)

The problem is that they don’t broadcast all the games! Are you fucking kidding me? And more – how is this game not on? This is fucking inexcusable. I know that Lee is turning back into a shitbag, but for fuck’s sake.

More, it already takes effort to keep track of the regular game times for the Jays. I work until 7 or 8 PM, and their home games start at 5:07PM MDT. I’m not physically around to use the Directv solution, but let’s say I get out early (or the Jays are on the west coast) – I have to seriously consult Directv’s schedule as well? Fuck that. Seriously, fuck that. Again, I understand if they can’t broadcast Rockies games, but otherwise they need to seriously fuck off.


This is $14.95 a month. And maybe it’s okay this year, but I’ve had it for the 2008 and 2007 seasons, and it’s just shit. Something about it isn’t compatible with our anti-virus software at work, which is fucking amazing, in so much that all anti-virus software has bloated themselves into some kind of security suite, and that whoever put together can’t just give you a link to a a video or audio stream. And Christ, the thing is always locking up. This is a miserable ripoff – again, maybe it gets better in like mid-July, when interest has cooled off and there are less people catching the games, but I had games locking up on me at that point as well last year. (If your experiences with it are better this year, that is awesome, and do feel free to describe what it’s like in the comments. I’m honestly curious.)


This is okay, I guess – it’s $10 for the entire year. Audio only, except – except! They will put small videos of clutch hits and such for you to watch, if you really want to. I’m fine with audio-only, as long as I can choose my own announcers, which I can with this.

The app lets you click on the box score, and see who is fielding where – it’s got lots of easy-to-implement stuff that reminds me of how the Diamond Mind baseball game is set up.

I did buy this, and I think it’s good, overall. The really maddening part is how they deal with commercials. The audio feed goes silent, but not immediately! I honestly think some asshole is sitting there with his finger on the “mute” button at the source, and he simply forgets to hit the button right away. (The most annoying commercial in the world right now is the one for Super-8 on Toronto’s the FAN station.) I’m fairly certain that the same guy forgets to consistently put the sound back on right away .


Well, yes, this would be best.

So, I don’t know. There really is no perfect solution for catching the games live. Directv is too demanding, is an enormous pain in the ass, and the iPhone app can’t get me consistent audio. The whole thing is fucked.

Bring Back J. P. Ricciardi
Sep 17th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

J. P. Ricciardi has been the general manager of the Toronto Blue Jays since November 14th, 2001. The Blue Jays have not made the playoffs since he was hired. It is my understanding that 2009 will be the last year of his current deal with the team. And I don’t know, but to me it seems like he’s currently doing a fine job?

If you take the stretch of time as a whole, sure – he’s failed to put together a team that has made the playoffs. But honestly, just looking at 2008:

  • Adam Lind looks great. Ricciardi drafted him. In fact, let’s look at a list of guys that were drafted under Ricciardi:
  • Travis Snider looks absolutely amazing.
  • Shaun Marcum looks great. He’s got a chance to lead the AL in ERA.
  • Jesse Litsch looks great. He was sent to Syracuse to work some stuff out, and has been nails since returning.
  • Honestly, lately, David Purcey looks pretty good, too.
  • Brett Cecil — okay, I just went to Baseball Reference and I don’t know what the fuck happened recently in Syracuse, but whatever, he was a great pick and will be contributing in the next year or two.

… I believe that his drafting record was skewered by taking Russ Adams (who has not contributed at the major league level), coupled with drafting Rickey Romero (a  pitcher) over Troy Tulowitzki. But he’s otherwise got some nice players coming through the system. The young pitching has been fantastic.

Taking a look at some other moves:

  • The contract that A.J. Burnett signed is/was so strongly in the club’s favor that he’ll be opting out. (The concept of “tampering” is kind of weak, and I’m not saying that anything should come of it, but it was some pretty fucking serious tampering by noted eyesore Hank Steinbrenner to A.J. recently. Whatever, they have every other advantage in the game, might as well let them openly campaign for our players, too.)
  • Joe Inglett and Jesse Carlson were AMAZING pick ups.
  • I guess we can’t give him credit for hiring Cito Gaston? There is a lot of speculation that Ricciardi never would have hired a manager with as much power and influence and so forth. On the other hand, he didn’t stop it from happening. In 30 years, people are going to be amazed that no other team gave Cito Gaston a shot. I honestly don’t even think that racism has anything to do with it. I just think all the other general managers in the game are fucking morons.
  • David Cooper seems like a fine first round selection.

Where did J.P. fuck up? Keeping Shannon Stewart over Reed Johnson was a complete and total mistake – forget about Reed’s production, Stewart simply couldn’t stay healthy. Plus, he made it difficult for me to discuss baseball with some of my friends, as that name meant “Playboy Model” to them. Sure, nobody could have predicted that Johnson would be healthy for an entire season, but he did and he was under contract. Not the biggest failing, and I hope Reed gets a ring with the Cubs, but still.

J.P. paid the A’s to play Frank Thomas this year, which is a little awkward. (Then again, he did get Frank Thomas’s salary off the books for 2009, which absolutely had to happen.)

Whoever decided to bat Marco Scutaro second for the entire year fucked up, but that seems to be something that former manager John Gibbons, J.P. and Cito Gaston were all delighted to do. I’m sure they all get the fucking shakes if Scutaro gets stuck in traffic before the game and there is even the slightest chance they can’t trot him out there as often as possible.

… Honestly, someone tell me why Ricciardi shouldn’t at least finish his contract. He’s doing better at his job than I am. This team isn’t going to the playoffs because it couldn’t hit with runners in scoring position for over a month. But THIS IS THE TEAM THE INTERNET, as a whole WANTED. RBIs are meaningless! (I’m speaking as The Internet right now.) Work as deep into those counts as possible! Walks are king! Don’t bunt, steal, sacrifice! I had to laugh (OK, I’m back), watching this team before John Gibbons was fired, because it really was the team that sabermetrics had argued for. Er, if sabermetrics were sentient. It takes a special, unique, shittily-hitting team of legendary design to not make the playoffs with arguably the best defense and pitching in the league.

I’m not going to fault Ricciardi for getting passed by the Tampa Bay Rays, either. Quite simply, there was no plan in Tampa. There remains no plan in Tampa. Maybe that’s a huge burn on having a development “plan,” and if so, so be it. Tampa was going to draft first overall until things turned around. They weren’t focusing on a philosophy, or any kind of strategy, or any sort of “five year plan.” There was no accountability to a fan base, as they did not have a fan base. I am reminded of a discussion on the Interactive Fiction mud a few years back – someone said that Alex Rodriguez was making more than the entire roster of the Devil Rays, and Neil deMause said, “Alex Rodriguez is more valuable than the entire roster of the Devil Rays.” And he was right! It wasn’t even close, haha.

(The Rays were simply going to be as laughable as possible until they randomly managed to draft well. And in 2008, it all came together. Joe Maddon is a fine manager, but hey, so is Lou Pinella – he was just involved too early. The trade that was made, years ago, to get Scott Kazmir on the team is a once-per-generation sort of ass-raping, but the Rays would have been perfectly content to keep being the worst franchise in sports, indefinitely. So I really can’t fault other GMs (or Toronto’s GM) for not following the same model.)

So yeah, all things considered, I’m happy to at least let Ricciardi give it another shot, and we’ll see where it goes from there. Someone on the Batter’s Box had mentioned, months ago, that all that is really separating him from being an elite GM is that he has not “ripped off” other general managers, and that can probably be chalked up to luck. I mean, J.P. Ricciardi: must improve: luck? That’s idiotic. If I were told that at my job, I would instantly start defecating in the parking lot, as it was clear that I now work in an accountability-free asylum. But that’s how close J.P. is to having this team ready for the playoffs. He honestly just needs a little more luck.

Diamond Mind Baseball Fun
Jul 10th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

I play in a Diamond Mind baseball league with seven other fellas. Around the house, it has gained no small amount of notoriety as “text baseball.” The links on how I have faired (second worst for two straight years) are over to the left.

There were three young pitchers for the Blue Jays that I wanted to have on my team, because I am a HOMER. When we draft, you always know how they did in the next two seasons. So last year, I drafted Shaun Marcum, Dustin McGowan and Casey Janssen.

They all had terrible 2006 seasons! They were truly terrible. I don’t remember the exact number runs they gave up (in order to keep them, season after season, we have to play them at least 33% of batters they faced in real life) but it was on the order of a million. That gave my team a Pythagorean record of 4-442.

Kidding! The three of them let up 62 runs in 69 innings. But through it all, I knew how the trio fared in 2007 (which we’re going to play after the World Series). Janssen was dominant as a setup guy, and likely moving to the rotation, where he would get a monster amount of innings. Marcum and McGowan were both above average. Couple these guys with Kazmir, Felix Hernandez, Josh Beckett and Gil Meche and I thought I had an outstanding staff.

Meche came back to earth to start the season, but that was fine. Casey Janssen tore his rotator cuff, so he was out for 2008. Marcum was pitching amazingly well, with like a 2.85 ERA when he went on the DL. And Dustin McGowan just tore his rotator cuff as well.

Good thing I gave them all those innings I GUESS.

Did I learn a lesson? Sure – develop one pitcher if you like, over the course of a season, but otherwise it’s just not worth it. We play six games a week for about 14 weeks and it takes about 50 minutes to play a game. That’s a lot of time to invest in “next year.” Well, not so much the time, as the time of the games plus the time picking the keys off the floor and putting them back into a punched-up keyboard.

Well, Well, Well, Nice Game, Jays, You Miserable Sacks of Shit
Apr 30th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

I’m going to paste a picture of the greatest player to ever wear a Blue Jays uniform. He is in his athletic prime right now, so no, the stats don’t currently bear that out, but he will be, by the time his career is finished.

His name is Roy Halladay, and the performance the rest of his team put forth tonight makes me feel like a complete fucking idiot for following sports in the first place. This wasn’t some loss in April we’ll all look back on and chuckle about at the end of the month, when the Jays are battlin’ for that 83rd win. This was complete HORSE SHIT, but it’s not about the non-hitting wastes of space that made up the lineup tonight, it’s about me. (And Roy.)

In today’s troubling times, a baseball starting pitcher simply does not finish his games. He is pulled after around a hundred pitches and they go to the bullpen. That makes Roy Halladay an aberration. He decided one day to try to induce ground outs (instead of going for strikeouts) and lah, ahhhh, dee, daaah, he became better at it than anyone else in the world. I couldn’t give myself a year and dedicate myself to Bomberman for a dead console system where there are no other players and be world class at it. So the respect I have for Roy is unparalleled.

It is also more than the rest of the Jays have for him. Look at this fucking shit – two hits against a lefty in Jon Lester? This team is designed to murder lefties. That’s why they play in a different country, to escape the warrants. But not tonight! Ho, ho, ho, not tonight!

Alex Rios, 0-4. David Eckstein, 0-3. Matt Stairs, 0-1. Scott Rolen, 1-4. (He’s playing his ass off so far, so none of what I am saying applies to him.) Vernon Wells, 0-3 with a walk, and a complete inability to get Rolen home that I would have wagered my house on if I could have found a bookie to work out the logistics of my mortgage payments. Our “DH” went 0-3 with two left on base. The new kid – Adam Lind – who I screamed (well, screamed on the Internet) to get into Toronto…. yeah, any time you want to get your first fucking hit kid, feel free.

I don’t blame Gregg Zaun for any of this because when your catcher will most likely lead the team in on-base percentage, he gets a free ride. But Jesus Christ, what a bunch of hitless fucks. Halladay pitched his fourth straight complete game, and he’s 2-4 on the season. He’s going to be the first guy to get Cy Young votes with 20 losses, because the fucking hopeless team behind him TEE HEEs their way through their trips through the plate.

Oh, and the center fielder we gave $126 million to couldn’t cleanly field a goddamn baseball and throw home, in an attempt to get David Ortiz out, who was running from second. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

I thought I was “helping” when I went to every Jays blog I could find, in order to get Adam Lind up. But Jesus Christ, this is hopeless. I know the flu has made its way through the clubhouse, but I am sick to death for making excuses for these guys. I know, because I have been here before.

In case you are just visiting the site, the other awesome sports team I follow is the New Orleans Saints. And let me put it this way – since Joe Carter ended the 1993 World Series, the Saints have been in four more fucking playoffs games than the Jays. And the Saints are terrible! I could easily name 20 hilariously awful mistakes of the Saints and not even get into the “Billy Joes.”

The game I just witnessed tonight, with Boston beating Toronto 1-0 with Roy pitching what might have been his best game of the season, considering the lineup, was akin to a game played at the end of October of 1999 between the Saints and the — at the time – winless, expansion, Cleveland Browns.

I had gone to Grand Junction with my friend Fodge to hit up the Halloween parties. (The Joker, thank you.) There was one television with the NFL Ticket there, so on Sunday we caught the first half of the Saints-Browns game, and the second half of whoever the Bills were playing.

There was a graphic at the end of the Bills game that showed the rest of the scores in the league, and the Saints were beating the Browns by a few points with six seconds left to go. Well! Surely they had it wrapped up! We left the bar and drove back to Fort Collins.

Twenty minutes into the trip, we get the update on how the early games went. Tim Couch threw a Hail Mary to Kevin Johnson in the end zone, giving the new Browns their first victory. The Saints lost to a team made up of some draft picks and players that NOBODY ELSE WANTED. I was much more passionate about sports back then, so I screamed “FUCK” and didn’t say a word for the next hour. The next day I read that Willie Roaf — who was pretty much the Roy Halladay of Saints players — was disgusted with the other fuckers on his team, and the staff, and said that he was their best trade piece and they should move him.

(Oh, and I gave myself a sinus infection because I snorted a line of pixie stix at a bar table while we were out Saturday night. )

I’m not saying I expect the same thing out of Roy. For the terrible shit the Jays have pulled this season (I went to figure out what they are batting with runners in scoring position, but my monitor is an old SyncMaster and can’t display digits that low) it wasn’t quite as bad as what the Saints did to Roaf. Also, nobody is having sex with Roy’s wife on the sly. But how can he not be frustrated. He was actually playing in the same game with those miserable shits that let him down for the fourth time this season. He has to see them every day. Every fucking player that played tonight owes him a goddamn apology.

Halladay is too nice a guy to say anything, but we DESERVE to see him say he wants to be traded. We DESERVE to see him say he doesn’t want to re-sign in Toronto after 2010. We DESERVE to see him win a championship for Arizona, or Cleveland, or Anaheim, or whoever. How many years has J.P. Ricciardi had to put a team around him? (Er, five.) What a complete crock of horseshit.

We’re going to lose the best player we’ve ever had, the only pitcher that I drop everything to watch, because of the gutless, shrunk testicled play of the rest of the team. It makes me sick. I don’t think there is a chance in hell Roy sees this – but he’s the only decent thing about baseball in my life and a lot of other Blue Jays fans. I now know how Steve Carlton lost 10 games in 1972. I’m watching it, and Roy Halladay is living it.

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