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Shoe Dude vs US Presidents: A Historical List
Dec 15th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

OK, I am sure we’ve all seen this:

 Ha ha ha, say what you will about Bush, the guy missed, and he laughed at him as the second one came. Here’s how the other Presidents in our history would have fared:

1. Washington: Brings out the goddamn axe to cut it in two, unfortunately, cleaves the dude next to him in half. Does not tell a lie about it.

7. Andrew Jackson: Blocks the shoe, and orders the death of three distinct tribes of Native Americans as punishment.

9. William Henry Harrison: Shoe instantly kills him, and as he falls backwards, triggers an explosion that causes Mars hurl itself out of its orbit and crashes into the earth.

15. James Buchanan: South secedes.

17. Andrew Johnson: The shoe misses by being over Johnson’s head, giving it something in common with AJ himself.

22. Grover Cleveland, First Term:  Shoes Successfully Strikes Him

24. Grover Cleveland, Second Term: Shoes Strike Him Again, Really Making Him Wonder If This Fucking Job Is Worth It

25. William McKinley: Shoe sails wide right.

27. William Howard Taft: N/A, There’s no way Taft is able to fit through the doors of that tiny building.

29. Warren G. Harding: Well look, if Bush was able to avoid it, and Harding is generally regarded as the “worst” US President, like how Stairway to Heaven is always gonna be regarded as the best rock song, and Citizen Kane the best movie, well, it’s got to hit him. There’s got to be something people can point to that makes his term worse than GWB.

32. Franklin D. Roosevelt: The shoe misses, and the thrower, embarassed by not being able to hit a guy in a fucking wheelchair, WITH polio (i.e., not just some normal asshole in a chair that got that way by falling out of a silo during the Great Depression looking for an ounce of corn ) does a complete 180 on his attitude toward American imperalism. He brings his newfound global compassion back home and… well, shit, this spiraled out of control… er, he brings it home and settles the Israel/Palestine conflict? Okay?

38. Gerald Ford: N/A, Ford had already fallen down like he got struck by something multiple times during the press conference.

42. Bill Clinton: Snatches shoes out of the air, and shoves them both up Moni– okay, ha ha, blah blah, that’s enough for today.

(The unused, undeveloped joke, since Adlai Stevenson lost twice, dealt with either the giant hole in his own shoe, or him asking the dude on his left what throwing a shoe means, and then screaming to answer the question immediately, without waiting for the translation.)

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