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Hats off to Ben Parrish
September 18th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Hi! As some of you may know, my life recently went topsy-turvy. If my life were in a comic book, it would have had a banner that read, “EVERYTHING YOU KNEW IS FALSE!” If my life were an NFL team, there would have been articles written by preposterously fat sportswriters that asked “What’s Eating Ice Cream Jonsey?” If my life were a funeral, it would definitely be one that you don’t eat at.

And in the scheme of things, no, it’s not as bad as getting cancer, or having a loved one die, or anything like that. But it was enough to send me spinning like a Venusian compass. And there has been one person that has gone above and beyond the call of duty in helping manage my delicate magnetic mental state – my friend Benjamin “Pinback” Parrish.

I don’t know how many hours he has helped me deal with the issues swirling my brain. You name it, he’s had an answer for it. He is a psychiatrist wrapped up in a psychologist, wrapped up in a Buddhist, wrapped up in Little League coach that helps mold young men, rather than molest them. He’s talked me off the figurative “ledge,” and essentially — and I really don’t mean to make a big issue out of this — kept me sane. Because of his nigh-24 hour friendship, I am sane. I don’t believe I’d be able to say that otherwise.

And in return, as is my monstrous nature, I have done little. I have tried to at least phrase my endless bleating in a semi-entertaining manner? Sometimes? I don’t think he gets anything out of it, and that makes him a motherfucking saint. I am unfeeling worm, but at the same time I think he and his lovely girlfriend are moving out this way before too long, so I plan on totally being kind then! I’m developing not_really_a_monster.exe just for that occasion.

And yet, regardless of my own actions, the Internet itself took notice.

You may recall that, a few weeks ago, Ben wrote an article for this website called Positive Trends in Drunkeness. In typical Ben Parrish style, it is a well-reasoned and well-formed argument towards something positive, namely, Sobieski vodka, made in Poland, from rye. His argument was that vodka — wholesome, delicious vodka — does not need to cost more money than thirty US dollars. It doesn’t need to be locked behind a case, where the store owner sighs before turning round to get it, which is actually fucking AMAZING of the a-hole, seeing how you are buying the pricey stuff. And the back of your neck starts to get all pin-prickly, as the store owner (whom you’d totally throttle at this point) can’t open the stupid case, and all the other people in line start getting all shifty, and at least one of them back there you’re sure is carrying a weapon.

Ben would have none of this.

Purchase the delicious vodka from Sobieski instead, and it will be the wisest decision you’ve ever made. That was his argument.

Now, I am going to be honest: I haven’t yet done this myself. I haven’t purchased any vodka since Ben wrote his article. Oh, but when I do? You bet your ass it’s gonna be Sobieski. After all, the Internet itself knows what a fantastic person Ben is and sent him this:

 

I have very few rules in life, but if you take care of my buddy Pinner, I’ll take care of you. Sobieski, you now have a customer for LIFE in me, ICJ. Thanks, guys. You rock — good things happen to good people, and there’s none gooder than Ben.

 

 


3 Responses  
  • milkunits writes:
    September 19th, 200810:57 amat

    How do I qualify?

    :)

    Congrats pinner! This is kinda like getting a leg lamp man!

  • pinback writes:
    September 19th, 200812:23 pmat

    Back in 1995, I sat down with my first book about HTML and learned how to make a webpage. That’s when it all started, and I knew I’d found an outlet that would come to define me and my creative spirit over the next decade plus.

    What I gave you was always from the heart. I told you what I thought, what I felt. I laid it all out there for everyone, for you. I asked for nothing in return, but what I received was years of ridicule, belittlement, judgements of emotional weakness, callous criticisms of what ultimately was just me trying to express myself. I took it all, though.

    I took it all and soldiered on, while you all continued to pile on, year after insufferable year. I started and stopped countless websites, searching for just the perfect tone, while you spit your acidic bile. You took solace in the fact that though your lives were utter failures in every respect, at least you had me to beat down, to soothe your broken egos. You thought you had me.

    But I stayed the course. Asking for no reward, and certainly never receiving it. So today, I say this to you:

    WHERE’S YOUR FUCKING FREE TEE-SHIRT, YOU FUCKS!?!?!!!!!??!!

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    September 21st, 20083:00 amat

    Lex sent me a free Polybius shirt for Christmas. I got him absolutely nothing in return, which made up two weeks of development on not_a_monster.exe in and of itself. Does that count?


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