My Reaction to the Roy Halladay Trade
Jan 3rd, 2010 by Ice Cream Jonsey

It’s been a few weeks and I am sane again. I’ve noticed that Phillies fans seem mostly unable to come to grips with their good fortune. So allow me to address you… directly.

Roy might very well put together a sub-1.00 ERA for the first half of the season in your garbage league.

You guys share a division with the Nats. (Christ, if only one of J.P.’s teams could have gone to the NL for a single fucking year.) He might very well no-hit the Nationals… twice. Actually, Roy could no-hit the Nats twice in a home series on zero days rest and I would only be marginally surprised. How do any of you lose to them in the first place? Do you only get to dress seven guys? Six guys and a dog?

‘WAAARGH he might get hurt!’ Halladay missed part of a season because Kevin Mench hit him in the leg. Since it was so unlikely that Mench would make contact in the first place, Mench actually striking Roy was logical, because 1 x infinity = infinity. Roy also had his appendix taken out, because – as the one part of his person not contributing towards a Cooperstown plaque – it did the honorable thing and left.

He also missed time last year due to a sore groin, which he acquired skullfucking the entire AL East by himself. You may remember the AL East from the time you got a cheap WS by playing a team in the snow that we’ve all literally beaten 190 times in 10 years, and then time they sent you home because you were too stupid to acquire Roy at the deadline last year.

You’re getting the best pitcher in baseball for some of your prospects that you’d all just boo to tears anyway. (You’re on your own with the Cliff Lee thing, though since Rosenthal wrote his column in such a bitchtits way, without admitting he had a source, it basically looks like your GM was inspired by his terrible column and did what he said, which, hahaha, well good luck!)

Anyway, thanks again for the prospects, and we’ll see you all again in six years when our terrible ownership suddenly can’t find the money to extend any of them, because they’re among the worst North Americans in human history.

Odd, My Worthless Offer of Complete Garbage Didn’t Net My Team Roy Halladay!!!?
Jul 31st, 2009 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Well, well, FUCKING well.

Trade deadline’s over.

And these are difficult economic times.

Am I doing this right? For the most part, you shitlicking, know-nothing sports writers love the sentence per paragraph structure in your written swill, and I wanted the beginning of this article to be Easy Readin’, in case any of you gash-brained mongrels trackback here.

I’m going to go on record and say that the ownership of the Toronto Blue Jays is made up of a bunch of grotesquely unqualified men that I would love nothing more than to fistfight. You’ve got chief executive Nadir Mohamed patting the air to his shareholders, stating that Rogers Communications is obviously committed to the Blue Jays. (You’re not obviously commited NOW, which is why our minimum-salaried designated hitters have an OPS+ of like 70 on the season, you lying sack of shit.)  All they had to do to prevent the best baseball player in Blue Jays history – Roy Halladay – from entering free agency is do two things:

1) Pay the man what he’s worth

2) Fill the holes this team has with a couple veterans that can hit

That’s it. It seems a little more difficult than it is, because the 2009 version of the Jays simply needed a guy who could play DH. That’s it. If Adam Dunn were the DH for the Jays, we’d all still be talking playoffs. Or – at the very least – Roy would have to admit that the players fucked it up if they weren’t contending. But ownership couldn’t do that.

So, this leads us to the last month of trade talks.

It all began due to  speculation from Ken Rosenthal. Get a load of this video – it’s got nothing to do with Roy, but writer (“blogger,” hisses ESPN) Jerod Morris – who attempted to discern why another hitter was having a career year at 37 – is condescendingly skewered by Ken Rosenthal, because – in Rosenthal’s idiotic and uninformed opinion, Morris was speculating.

Which is what Rosenthal did to start all this shit. He speculated that the Jays would have to move Halladay. So this hypocritical goblin kicked things off on July 7th.

And Jesus Christ – I’ve long maintained that virtually any educated sports fan could instantly become the greatest sportswriter of all time, but look at some of this nonsense to come out when Halladay didn’t end up moving:

Jeff Passan, Yahoo Sports. He can’t beee-LIEEEEEEEEVE that general manager J.P. Ricciardi didn’t exchange shit for Roy. One of the terrible offers today was from the Anaheim Angels. The offer was Joe Saunders, Brandon Wood and Erick Aybar for Roy. Saunders is a terrible pitcher who would get killed in the AL East, literally killed, Aybar is a little interesting, I guess, and Brandon Wood was the topic of a piece Passan wrote two FUCKING DAYS AGO of a “faded trading chip.” Two fuckin’ days ago! Now the Jays are supposed to pull the trigger on the kind of deal that includes a third baseman who can’t hit big league pitching, a shortstop that is intriguing but nothing particularly special, and a shitty left-handed pitcher, whose resume is easily eclipsed by several younger pitchers the Jays already have.

As for Bill Simmons, he wrote the following through Twitter:  “Toronto overplayed its Halladay hand like the obstinate 8th place a-hole in anyone’s fantasy league that we all hate.” I mean, you either love him or despise him, but if Simmons sickens you, it’s because of that shit right there. He can’t believe Halladay isn’t pitching for the Sox, his (obvious) rightful team.  I guess in Simmons’s fantasy leagues, two douchebag fucks get to bid 200% more on players and then cry like babies, like actual newborn, placenta-stenched babies, at how the other guys aren’t giving away their good players.

(In 2002 I was in a fantasy league with a bunch of guys who know more about baseball than I ever will. Some of them write for Baseball Prospectus, some of them are heavily involved in Diamond Mind dynasties, needless to say it got UGLY early for both myself and my good friend, and fellow JC BBS poster, Roody Yogurt. Roody had Curt Schilling and nobody else. He had the worst team and it wasn’t even close. And he didn’t deal Schilling. What was some other team going to do, give him players to get him into that all-elusive 11th place? I’ve never told Roody this, but I respect him as a man that year. Simmons is the kind of guy who won’t stop making annoying fucking phone calls while the last-place guy is at work to try to pry the one decent player he’s got, resulting in the commish of the league having to get involved and veto shit. 140 characters to reveal yourself as a petulant slimebag.)

Oh yeah, the Phillies were also offering some amazing players. Kyle Drabek had better win a couple Cy Young awards before he’s finished. Roy’s getting his second this season, and Drabek was apparently not somebody the Phils were gonna move unless it was straight-up, or something.

Ditto the Red Sox and Clay Buchholz. I know how terrible talk radio is in this country, so it doesn’t surprise me to see a bunch of stupid shit like, “I wouldn’t trade Clay Buchholz for Albert Pujols,” but this is what the landscape was like in 2009.

Anyway. A wise man once said, “fuck all y’all.” The best pitcher in baseball is still in a Jays uniform, and the Jays are instantly the best team in baseball once every five starts when he’s out there. Ohhhh it evens out a bit when he’s not on the hill, but c’mon – the Jays play in the most competitive division in sports, they don’t go over slot for draft picks, their money is actually, not-exaggerating here, worth less than the other other 29 teams and because they’re in a foreign country with less exposure, when they DO get a great, HoF-caliber player, he’s worth less in trade due to the lack of anyone in the US seeing the guy play. The odds of this team ever making the playoffs again are about zero, and I’d rather it be zero with Halladay pitching for as long as possible.

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