Max Payne (WHAT IS THIS SHIT out of 5)

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

What the fuck is this shit?

They had TWO noir stories all laid out for them, AND FUCKING STORYBOARDED. IN THE GAME.

And they came up with some unwatchable mess. They could have done that without financing fucking Duke Nukem Forever for another 10 years. They could have developed their own IP and made it terrible on their own.

(I love how 3D Realms glomped onto the Max Payne guys, too, but are still doing DNF "in-house." That's hilarious.)

Anyway, there is nothing redeeming about this movie. There wasn't a single bit in it I liked. I GUESS the girl that wears the red dress in the beginning was good-looking and I GUESS that Marky Mark makes a good Max Payne in terms of looking like the guy, but that's it.

Zero out of 5. I wanted to love this.