Rich Tosches Sucks

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:24 pm

Last week Jonsey privately railed on Rick Reilly to me, calling him a worthless gay prick who doesn't belong anywhere near a pen or a word processing machine. That's not true, I threw in the "gay". I replied like I usually reply when ICJ says something to me privately, which is I called him an idiot and made fun of his hair.

Jonsey, if you want to rail on a bad golf blogger/journalist, try RICH TOSCHES!

Today's Tosches (rhymes with the yiddish Tuchus) article is about how Stewart Cink is #6 in the world, and he can't figure out why! He can't figure it out because the ranking system is such a big load of gobbledygook that nobody could ever understand!

Let's take a look at all this craziness that leaves Rich just throwing up his hands, looking into the camera, tilting his head to the side, shrugging his shoulders and giving that "I just don't get it!" look:

Rich Dousches wrote: Here now, and we are not kidding, is part of the story from the World Golf Ranking website (www.franklyevenwedontunderstandthis.com.):

Ha ha! See what he did there? Put a crazy, wacky URL to signify his confusion!

"The official events from the six professional tours together with the Canadian, Nationwide and European Challenge Tours are all taken into account and ‘Ranking Points' are awarded according to the players' finishing positions and are generally related to the strength of the field based on the number and ranking of the Top 200 World Ranked players and the Top 30 of the Home Tour players in the respective tournaments (Event ‘Rating Values')."

In other words, the World Golf Rankings committee sits around with newspaper clippings from golf tournaments and then, in accordance with Rule 7653-BH-2, they pull golfers' names out of a hat.

DurrRRRrr!!! They're just pulling names out of a hat! They must be, cuz who could possibly understand that paragraph above?!!!? Even though obviously it's just saying that player's are ranked according to their finishes, weighted for strength of field! Who could follow that!??! All this craziness! I just don't get it!

More from the actual explanation: "The World Ranking Points for each player are accumulated over a two year ‘rolling' period with the points awarded for each event maintained for a 13-week period to place additional emphasis on recent performances. Ranking points will then be reduced in equal decrements for the remaining 91 weeks of the two-year Ranking period."

This mathematical formula is known as the System Analysis Yield Within Heuristic Adjustment Transaction or SAYWHAT?

SEE WHAT HE DID THERE AGAIN? A wacky acronym! Cuz nobody unless they were some kind of SUPER PERSON with SUPER SMART COMPUTERS IN THEIR BRAINS could figure out that frothing galvanized vat of confusion up there, even though obviously all it's saying is that performance for the last two years is taken into account, weighted for how recently the performance took place! INSANE!!?!?! HUH???

I JUST DON'T GET IT!

Here are a few other morsels of comic gold sprinkles through the rest of the article:

(Cink) now has a "points average" ranking of 5.41 and has 281 total points in the system, a gain of 197 points since last year. The only other golfer to post that kind of gain has been John Daly, who has gained 197 pounds since last year.

AHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!

(According to the World Golf Ranking system, Woods will remain No. 1 on the list for approximately 125 years after his death or until our sun burns out.)

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Using the current world ranking system, I firmly believe that if we dig up Ben Hogan he'll be No. 8.

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHAH!!! THIS IS ALL SO VERY FUNNY BECAUSE THE RANKING SYSTEM IS SO VERY CONVOLUTED AND CONFUSING TO RICH TOSCHES!!!

You suck, Rich. Jonsey, I demand a public apology to Rick Reilly or I am deleting my bookmark for this BBS and leaving... FOREVER!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:48 pm

I will not give it to you.

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:38 pm

Rick Reilly is a maggot, ESPN is felating themselves for getting him. Reily takes the obvious admonishing tone on EVERY subject. He also writes one story every month about some retard who poured a gatorade cup correctly and the the team let him score a TD at the end of the year.

His columns usual start-

"Herbert McWacdoddle is the bravest man I ever met"
fill in touching retard out of water story

or he'll write how tough some some chick is

"Fanny Peddlefinkles is the toughest person i ever met"

and then blab on how she won a high school softball game while on her period.

THE GUY IS A HACK!!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:50 pm

Missing Links and Shanks For The Memories were the two funniest GOD DAMNED books about golf that have ever been.

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:31 pm

har har is he bad at golf? bad at golf stories fucking rule!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:33 pm

They're FICTION BOOKS, you illiterate monkey dick.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:53 pm

Best of!!!

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:43 pm

pinback wrote:They're FICTION BOOKS, you illiterate monkey dick.

har har fake books about bad golf even better.

Did you ever read that one about how they tried to make a girl wear a cup and Reilly noted how INSANE that notion was. I mean really a girl wearing a cup MADNESS! Or how he described the perfect day as playing golf, drinking guiness and eating cheese fries. CHEESE FRIES!! just one of the boys that Reilly!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:49 pm

Why can't we stay on topic today? RICH TOSCHES SUCKS! Why can't we just rap on that for a while?

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:23 pm

cause i've never heard of that guy. Let me tell you what a flaming pile of poo that Rick Reilly is though!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:10 pm

Knuckles the CLown wrote:cause i've never heard of that guy. Let me tell you what a flaming pile of poo that Rick Reilly is though!

I respectfully disagree!!!!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:30 pm

Has Rick written, oh, any OTHER articles on golf in the meantime?

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:32 am

I don't know.

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Tue May 25, 2010 11:23 am

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=5218228

wow Rick Reilly just wrote the same exact column for the 1000th time!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 25, 2010 6:17 pm

It's good that you're back, brother.

OK, I read that article. What I am going to say, and the conclusion I am going to make is going to be lost because I hate Rick Reilly so much. And that's unfortunate. But I'll try.

Rick Reilly is a talentless hack, but - BUT! BUT. He is also incapable of doing the basic writing required to be the hack that we so despise.

I want to drive this home: yes, he's absolutely fucking terrible at his job and he is the least valuable sports writer in America. But he literally can't write a story at the level of a college graduate starting his or her first gig with the local Roswell Shitler.

It's no wonder. This was the first softball game in Marshall history. A middle school trying to move up to include grades 6 through 12, Marshall showed up to the game with five balls, two bats, no helmets, no sliding pads, no cleats, 16 players who'd never played before, and a coach who'd never even seen a game.

Really? That's odd. Why's that, Rick? Why do they have no equipment? Why has the coach NEVER SEEN BASEBALL BEFORE? And none of these people can put a video game in an Xbox and show the kids what it's about? HMM, that's really odd! WHY, RICHARD?

That's when Roncalli did something crazy. It offered to forfeit.

Yes, a team that hadn't lost a game in 2Â½ years, a team that was going to win in a landslide purposely offered to declare defeat. Why? Because Roncalli wanted to spend the two hours teaching the Marshall girls how to get better, not how to get humiliated.

"The Marshall players did NOT want to quit," wrote Roncalli JV coach Jeff Traylor, in recalling the incident. "They were willing to lose 100 to 0 if it meant they finished their first game." But the Marshall players finally decided if Roncalli was willing to forfeit for them, they should do it for themselves. They decided that maybe -- this one time -- losing was actually winning.

What? So who forfeit? Marshall or the other team?

Roncalli wasn't done. Traylor asked all the parents of his players and anybody else he knew for more help for Marshall -- used bats, gloves, helmets, money for cleats, gloves, sliders, socks and team shirts. They came up with $2,500 and worked with Marshall on the best way to help the program with that money.

This has nothing to do with Rick, but this symbolizes girl's sports in a nutshell. Hey honey, can you leave work early to watch your daughter play softball? Yeah. Against a team that has literally never seen a softball before. Oh, and they're gonna pass a plate around at the end, so bring cash.

OK, so, I want to draw attention to this following paragraph. The one he ends it with:

Anyway, it's not an important story, just one that squirts apple juice right in your face. And who knows? Maybe someday, Marshall will be beating Roncalli in the final inning, realize how far it has come, and forfeit again, just as a thank you.

Rick Reilly, you incompetent MOTHERFUCKER. I can't even begin to express how much this fucking offends me. This is a guy who has been given the easiest job in America for decades now and he does nothing bit sit back and spit in the face of the country that has allowed him to skate free for DECADES.

So, he gets done writing this unreadable piece that nobody cares about. He ends it with, "and maybe when the team gets good enough... to show their appreciation and gratitude for sportsmanship.... then maybe they will forfeit AGAIN."

You fucking worthless hack!

How the fuck do you write an unreadable article on sportsmanship, on doing something for someone without expecting anything in return and then ho-hum gee-willikers about how GREAT it would be if this other team returned the favor someday?? What level of complete disconnect with not only life but your - scare quotes, no SNEER quotes - "PROFESSION" do you have to possess to not even be able to write the same motherfucking worthless article for the 1,000th time well?

God, he sickens me. Rick Reilly sickens me. If he had spent two seconds thinking about what he had written, he would have understood that his closing statement didn't remotely mesh with the point he was trying to make. Instead, herp derp, cheesy ending, cash another paycheck. I can honestly say that the fact that this miserable son of a bitch's life is remotely comfortable in ANY way is the greatest evidence for the failure of the United States of America there is or can possibly be. A man writes, for literally the thousandth time, complete dreck and can't keep it internally, consistently terrible. I am literally almost-angry at what a waste of space he is.

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Tue May 25, 2010 7:27 pm

My Rick Reilly Tribute!

Greta Lumpard is the bravest person I know. You think Lebron James is tough? Try dunking without legs! Think Steve Nash can shoot? Try beating Greta's career shooting percentage of 100!

It all started when coach Norm Frumpfeltd of the St. Eor's Baptist High noticed something at games. A shrill voice cheering the Lady Gophers on. He couldnt figure out where his number one fan was till he looked down to tie his shoe. Their stood his future greatest player, all 2'4" of her!

You see Greta was born with Stumponge disease. A rare bone disorder that results in the arm and leg bones not developing. Greta was doomed to a life hardship till she saw the St Eor's Lady Gophers on public access and asked her foster mother "What is that?" Her foster mother unlocked her cage and let Greta watch a couple quarters with the sound on and she was hooked!

The nuns at Eor's managed to make a special seat out of balsa wood so Greta could go to games. You think you got it made with box seats at the Knicks? Try court side for at the Lady Gophers! Once coach Frumpfetd noticed Greta he immediatley asked her, "would you like to be our "manager"? Greta cried yes quicker than Phil Mickleson at a buffet line.

It was a rough season for the Lady Gophers they were being blown away by Crispus Attucks High in the season finale, when Shronda Jackson, the All-city Cathlic Power Forward for CA got an idea. Why not let Greta in the game!!?????!!!!!!

Coach Frumpfeltd grinned. He called for a time out. And asked Greta if she wanted to be a Lady Gopher! Greta cried "yes sir"

Shronda Jackson and Betsy Mcgilicudy, bitter enemies all game carried Greta to the basket. They lifted her up high balanced the ball on her head. Greta bowed her head the ball swished through and the box score in the paper the next day read "Lumpard 2".

There was no mention of the accidental dropping of Greta and ensuing broken neck. It mattered not to Greta who earned her Varsity letter going out on top. You see, even though she has no arms or legs, She's got more heart than Secretariat! Eat that Vince Carter!