PINBACK REVIEWZ THE PEOPLEZ GIVING HIM ROMANCE ADVICEZ

[pinback]

Right, here's a new feature, where we take a look at my recent experiences getting to know a young lady, and how the various people who have given me young-lady-related advice have fared in their well-intentioned efforts. I want to state that they ARE well-intentioned, and I appreciate everyone's efforts, so if I happen to call someone a blithering fucking moron, I hope they will not take offense to that.

NAME: CLASH
ADVICE: Every goddamn thing they did in Swingers. Plus several more "rule-based" advices. If you do this, you have to do that, and don't do this, or if you do that, then you also have to do these three things, in this manner.
GRADE: F----. Clash, I love you, and you're the only guy who is not related to me by blood that I can truly say that about, but you're an idiot. The only success you've had in the last (x) years was when a drunk horny chick saw you judging a karaoke contest and fell into your lap. So, forget it. The rules don't work. That was the whole point of the movie Swingers to begin with, which you still refuse to acknowledge.

NAME: ADAM L.
ADVICE: "Dude, you're gonna have to make the moves, cuz... dude, I think she's like... a-sexual or something."
GRADE: F+. You get a "B" for saying I'll have to make the moves, because it turns out that's fairly accurate. However, you lose two grades for implying she's a frigid Ken doll. She just doesn't open up to you because you're a goofball. Then I knock you down again because you still owe me money.

NAME: JOHN S.
ADVICE: "Dude, just do whatever you gotta do to get laid. I woke up one day and realized that that's all that matters, so I went for it. Just go get fucked."
GRADE: C. I really give you an F----- for that godawful hideous nonsense, but you really believe it, and you seem like a happy guy, and you mean well, so I'll give you a C. Plus, you're still my boss for the next three weeks.

NAME: VX
ADVICE: "Just be yourself, and treat yourself with respect, and don't let these dumb bitches treat you like garbage" and lots of other stuff which is very smart.
GRADE: B. The advice itself is, naturally, all A++ stuff. However, my only complaint is that it is not tailored to its audience. Yes, it would be nice if I just naturally behaved the way you suggest, but I don't, and you have to take that into consideration.

NAME: CHRIS L.
ADVICE: "After the second or third date, let them know what your goal is. Say, I'm in this for a relationship, and I want you to know that, so there's no confusion." No games, no bullshit, no ultimatums or pressure, just tell them why you're doing what you're doing so that everyone knows the score.
GRADE: A. Unbelievably elegant and brilliant. Perhaps not when we were 17 and 18, but in the mid-30s, this makes so much sense I can't even stand it. It made so much sense I actually ended up doing it. Poorly and stumbling, of course, but a version of it, anyway, which took so much of the tension out of the thing, I just wanted to kiss him. Her first, though.

NAME: MY MOTHER
ADVICE: "Tell her all this, and then ask her what she thinks you should do."
GRADE: A+/D- A+ because it is beautiful and cute and possibly charming to no end. D- because it would probably only work on her. Of course, looking at my long, historied string of step-fathers, what DOESN'T work with that broad? OHhh!!

And finally...




NAME: THE GIRL I LIKE

ADVICE:

I took all of the above last night, rattled it through my brain as I walked her to her car, trying desperately to come up with the perfect script, the perfect blend of all everything that everyone had ever told me, the exact right words to say at the exact right time, as the car got closer... 30 steps, 20... 10...

We got to the car. I gave her a hug, backed up, held her shoulders, and prepared to let loose with the masterful presentation I had prepared...

...and naturally, I froze, like a poor, frightened little deer in the headlights of a Mack truck... no script, nothing to say... paralyzed...

...and she looked up at me, smiled a little, and said:

"You can kiss me."



GRADE: A+. God bless you, child.

[co]

Good for you, Pinback. Hopefully you won't fuck this one up.

[pinback]

You are a horrible person.

[Vitriola]

You can send along that myspace page any day now. I really want to start trolling it.

[AArdvark]

She had to give you permission.....


THE
SPEECHLESS
AARDVARK

[Vitriola]

She had to give you permission....

That's usually how it happens, yes. Nothing more obnoxious and annoying than a guy who puts the moves on when one has given him no indication that he should.

[Vitriola]

NAME: VX
ADVICE: "Just be yourself, and treat yourself with respect, and don't let these dumb bitches treat you like garbage" and lots of other stuff which is very smart.
GRADE: B. The advice itself is, naturally, all A++ stuff. However, my only complaint is that it is not tailored to its audience. Yes, it would be nice if I just naturally behaved the way you suggest, but I don't, and you have to take that into consideration.

This is just pure horseshit. I've spent HOURS on you trying to get you to see that you need a good woman. How did I not curtail that to you? I'm telling you you should not waste your time with using bitches, and just be yourself? First of all, you were like "I can't do that", even though that was exactly what you did in the end, and, like, you CAN'T have more respect for yourself? Really? Is that what you were saying? Because it is not only false, but ridiculous. I want my grade improved.

[Roody_Yogurt]

And I want an 'A' for saying nothing, goddammit.

[Draal]

Is this real?

I always assumed it was a game of some sort but...

I'm so sorry Pinback

[pinback]

Life is a game.

[Lysander]

I want a grade at all. I've given you advice before, and for the record it's always, always been right. Even if you ignored me that doesn't mean I was wrong.

[Finsternis]

I want a grade at all. I've given you advice before, and for the record it's always, always been right. Even if you ignored me that doesn't mean I was wrong.

It probably was good advice. But don't expect any credit from Ben. He plays this passive-agressive game of asking for advice in every possible way without actually saying it, and then when it comes along, acting as if you've insulted him. His reasoning about advice goes like this:

1) Smart people don't need advice.
2) That person gave me advice.
3) Therefore, that person thinks I'm stupid.

[pinback]

Shut up, Finsternis.

Anyway, god is this chick cool. She is going to make a man of me, whether I wanna or not. Here's today's advice:

We go to dinner tonight, and get there, and get out of the car, and we've got three blocks to walk, and yeah, after five fucking dates or whatever it's been, I work up the gumption to say, "can I hold your hand?"

She don't miss a beat. "You better, ass."

Man. Gotta love that.

[Vitriola]

You...asked her if you could hold her hand? You didn't just gallantly walk on the side of traffic and then just take her hand? Ew.

[pinback]

Yeah, good. Keep "ew"ing me. Cuz obviously this isn't going well at all.

[Lysander]

V's right, you're kind of being a pussy about this.

[pinback]

So, here I am TELLING you that it's actually going very WELL, and that it's ON, and that we're growing closer by the day, and at the end of last night she just says "so what are we doing tomorrow?" like it was even a question...

...and NOW you're all telling me I'm screwing up?

Well, allow me to say this about that:

Ha, ha HA ha haaa.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

You're doing a great job, bud. I'm happy for you.

Did you give her the Galaga shirts?

[pinback]

Yes. She liked them a lot. I wouldn't say she "flipped", but perhaps I was expecting too much.

[Jack Straw]

It's all about lowered expectations.