Completion

[ChainGangGuy]

Human beings, and interpersonal contact are fickle things. I have been deceiving my own nature, as of late, by assuming that, because I had grown accustomed to a relationship, that it is part of who I am. Nothing could be more the contrary - bound to someone isn't freedom; it is a delusion of happiness manifest through the endeavoring to attach oneself to another in a deeply rooted way. I don't believe in completion through "relationships", I never have.

If the "me" from two years ago could meet the "me" from recent past, he would be greatly ashamed.

I once spouted the following as my personal code of ethos, concerning relationships:

"One does not need another to validate experience."

This holds true to this point in time, only through recent changes in attitude, moreso opening myself to new experience, I allowed my intellect, and core-being, to slip and yield my spirit over to something outside. My grandfather used to say, "The more I see of other people, the more I like myself." I wholeheartedly agree, though I would amend it to include my close friends, Andy, Christina, Brittany, and Robb. Family, of course. Outside of that group, I find myself encountering more vacant excuses for human beings on an ongoing basis.

"And all the plastic people, that surround me."

The desperation for close personal contact only left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, once all has been said and done; but in hindsight I see clearly. The vapid relationships formed, and the empty friends I have stumbled upon have only served to strengthen myself, and my fellowship with those who really matter to me. I have managed to obtain the bad habit of looking elsewhere from my friends, and myself, for comfort, and I mainly attempt to focus that ambition upon the futile path of soul-matedom. Though I don't believe in such things, and I never really have, I have been misguided enough to give it a chance. I have been shown that human beings are frail, fickle creatures, whom one can never fully place faith in.

I took a vow to myself to avoid certain situations, and for years I did just that. I have been holding recent blunders against myself, but I have learned that to penalize oneself for honest mistakes is only of detriment to personal growth - which is what this is all about, right?

I feel like, recently, my life has been finally narrowing itself back onto the path I have wanted to be on; the path I had hoped it could be on, but never thought it really could be. I am dedicated in my work. I am dedicated in my leisure. I am dedicated in my art, and, again, for the first time in my life I am seeing positivity manifesting around me, which leaves me with the glaring question: could this all have been borne, simply of my attitude?

I believe, indeed, that is to be the case, and my shift in attitude has been the greatest asset to my life. It has revolutionized it, and I can safely say that I am no longer the same person, save essence, that I once was. For better or worse, I do not know for certain, though if questioned, I would respond with a resounding "better."

I am, for the first time in my entire life, upon the precipice of being whole, and contented, and I haven't attained it outside of myself. It has all come from within.

[bruce]

The desperation for close personal contact only left me with a bitter taste in my mouth

Dude! You were so lonely you were blowing winos? Bad idea!

Bruce