You know how people who voted, strenuously, for John Kerry are saying to themselves that they don't feel like they are a part of this country right now? Well, I feel the same way with the total handjob of reviewing that this movie got and is getting.
The one "negative" review I could find went like this:
So a couple future weeping pussies cried at a cartoon. I'm guessing the movie wasn't the only thing they were weeping at. WHO'S THIS VAMPIRE ON MY CEREAL BOX?! Waaaaaah!!!! WHO'S THIS BLUE FURRY MONSTER TRYING TO TEACH ME THE ALPHABET? Waaaaaarghhhh!!! OH WHO IS THIS HORRIBLE FORCE NAMED VGER IN THE G-RATED STAR TREK MOTION PICTURE Waaaaaarggghhhish!!!! Those kids will be cellphoning it up in a theatre anyway in 10 years, if there are movies out there convincing them to stay away from theatres then that's a service, not something worthy of a critique.At the preview screening, a little boy burst into tears a few ammo rounds into an early auto chase, and the five-year-old to my left spent most of two hours cowering in her dad's lap. Pixar has never tiptoed around the young 'uns' fears and anxieties (see the nighttime terrors of Monsters, Inc. or the family-slaughter overture of Finding Nemo), but The Incredibles announces the studio's arrival in the vast yet overcrowded Hollywood lot of eardrum-bashing, metal-crunching action sludge. Given that its next film is called Cars, it seems it's opted for long-term parking.
But is it really just me? Is everyone else completely oblivious to the fact that the movie is a shameless, obvious ripoff of the Fantastic Four? That the entire movie was just Pixar's demo reel telling us time and time again that Lookit We Can Do Water! and Lookit We Can Do Human Hair! and Lookit We Can Do Fire and Ice and Wet Hair and Jungles!! I mean, Christ, do you ever notice the hair in a regular movie with human actors? Of course not - so why should hair be thrown in our face for this thing?
Oh! The story sucked too, though. The whole of how crappy suburban living is dragged on for waaay too long, the costume designer was the most excreable character in the History of Things (brought back for a second and third scene! And voiced by the screenwriter, ha ha ha, he's so witty, darhing! Annnnnnnd Lookit We Can Do Costumes With Unstable Molecules!) And even though they had a family with stretching, strength, invisibility and (eventually) fire as family powers, they still weren't quite certain if they had mined, I mean raped, the potential of the Fantastic Four and made it obvious to everyone, so at the very end FF #1 villain 'The MoleMan' sends up a drill and mugs for the camera. I guess the scene where Jason Lee's character gets his opaque metal mask will show up in the DVD's deleted scenes?
(And don't get me wrong, I don't like the Fantastic Four in the slightest. I have a family, I don't need a comic book or cartoon or movie to tell me how great they are or are not.)
Pixar is a creatively bankrupt company that is out slinging crap to the lowest common denominator, which is funny because all of their movies are about them masturbating for as long as possible over what they can do on a computer, which is all pre-rendered anyway and we all know how unfamily-friendly a good wank is.
And the short that was attached to the film was the single most excrutiating five minutes I have ever spent in a movie theatre since the incident with the chocolate itching beans. Hay did you know it was done by Pixar????? That bit where the lamp knocks out the letter "I" is hilarious!
Zero stars.
