[ARMY OF LOVE] Pinback's Women 2K4

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 5:23 pm

Welcome back to Pinback's Women, our ongoing series from the good folks over at the ARMY OF LOVE, which has been decomissioned several months ago due to the fact that the Army had been trained and organized to fight a war that didn't exist. Nevertheless, we are still interested in the various comical machinations involved in helping our friend Pinback accomplish that goal that, while no longer defines his entire existence, would still be a kick and a half to actually get done one of these days. Let's see how he's faring in his new home of Boulder, Colorado!

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Name: Chrissy
Nickname: Rental office babe.
How met: Works here at the apts.
Picture: None available
STATUS: SCOUTING

Pros:
- Hot like a Bunsen burner.
- Works here at the apts, and can help get my dryer fixed.

Cons:
- Only technically met her once.
- Perhaps a bit on the young side.
- Works here at the apts, and can raise my rent or evict me.

Recent Developments:
- Was part of the Friday Night "movie crew" what came over and watched Pieces of April.
- Saw me at my most charming and funny, and saw all my flight gear and musical instruments, which chicks dig.
- Has not yet raised my rent or evicted me.

Chance of success: 1%
Enthusiasm level: Medium-Low

Name: Georgia
Nickname: "Georgia" is a fake name, so let's go with "Georgia".
How met: Introduced to me by a friend.
Picture: None available.
STATUS: WITHDRAWING

Pros:
- Very nice.
- Real pleasant.
- Unlikely to murder anyone.

Cons:
- Thinks the Simpsons is "stupid".
- Has essentially zero in common with me.

Recent Developments:
- Went on two dates. I found them uncomfortable and distressing.
- JUST NOW got an email from her (just NOW, while I was writing this, unbelievably), indicating that she did NOT find them uncomfortable and distressing.
- So now I got a problem.

Chance of success: 0.4%
Enthusiasm level: Low

Name: Dawn
Nickname: Chocolate Thunder
How met: Fellow resident here at the apts.
Picture: None available
STATUS: JUNGLE FEVER

Pros:
- Baby got back!

Cons:
- Talks during movies.
- I don't generally go for the dark meat.

Recent developments:
- Was part of Friday "movie crew."
- Often asks me to go out to movies or other things with her.
- I could probably hit that if I wanted.
- But I don't want.

Chance of Success: 2.9%
Enthusiasm level: Low. (Except when she wear those tight jeans. Then: Medium.)

Name: Melissa
Nickname: bABABABABBAabbabapAPABAbapaABABBA
How met: Neighbor
Picture: None available
STATUS: BABAbababbABAbabAAPABapaBAAPABA

Pros:
- Cute, spunky little fireplug.
- Probably wild in the sack.

Cons:
- A little on the young side.
- Never, ever, ever shuts up for any reason, ever, in the history of the planet, including, I am assuming, her own death.

Recent Developments:
- Part of the "movie crew" (though since expelled, due to the fact that she never shuts up.)
- Has gone out to dinner with myself and my other neighbor Michelle (see below) from time to time.
- Is still yapping about something, somewhere out there in the Colorado twilight.

Chance of success: Of what? Her being quiet for once? 0%
Enthusiam level: Deaf.

Name: Michelle
Nickname: "M"
How met: Upstairs neighbor
Picture: None available
STATUS:

... STATUS:

fuck, come on...

STATUS: oh lord

The status with Michelle is... is...

...is going to get worse before it gets better.

Probably need a separate post for this.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 5:39 pm

Name: Michelle

I am not a religious man. I think the entire universe is comprised of a few simple elements which interact with each other in relatively simple ways, the combinations of which have attained unthinkable complexity, but at its root, it's still just molecules and atoms bouncing off of each other in one way or another, sticking to their routine that was set in motion at the beginning of time, needing no maintenance or alteration. I don't believe in a "higher power", or an ultimate consciousness laying out our fates before us, teaching us what could have just as easily been ingrained with during creation, if He was so smart.

But I'll be God damned if this is not a "test".

Pros:
-

I don't even know how to write this post. This is the most unbelievably comic/tragic scenario I could have possibly put together for one such as myself, diligently trying to go through some very serious, very much needed emotional changes and growth.

Throw an attractive chick down to live next to me.
Have her essentially turn into my "partner", hanging out with me during every free moment.
Have us spend lots of nights watching movies and cooking dinner and walking around, stuff which would be considered "romantic", if...

I don't know how to write this post. Lemme drink a little more, and I'll get back to this later.

I can't believe this shit.

I really can't.

Reality Check · Post by **Reality Check** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 7:18 pm

Some girls like having fake boyfriends because they can't stand being alone and like the attention. These men allow it for the same reason.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 8:09 pm

For Chrissake, Pinner.

She can't yammer while YOUR DICK IS IN HER MOUTH.

Just saying.

Bruce

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 9:39 pm

Reality Check wrote:Some girls like having fake boyfriends because they can't stand being alone and like the attention. These men allow it for the same reason.

What's a nigga gonna do? Worst case, I gotta stick around 'er so she can set me up with some of her hot friends, which, admittedly, she doesn't have any of right now, but it's all about WHO YOU KNOW.

I just can't believe I'm losing out to a GUY IN FUCKING JAIL.

(He gets out October 6, though, so it'll be nice to see those kids get back together again.)

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 10:22 pm

How long can you play the part of the gay friend before you just say "fuck this shit"?

Really, what's the time limit on that? A month? A week? 0 seconds?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 11:24 pm

pinback wrote:I just can't believe I'm losing out to a GUY IN FUCKING JAIL.

(He gets out October 6, though, so it'll be nice to see those kids get back together again.)

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Wait, are you serious? Because if any woman ever said to another guy, "I like you, but I like my incarcarated boyfriend BETTER," then it's time to arrange for an anonymous prison shanking.

Get his name and send him a cake with a hacksaw in it (you can cook!) and then notify the guards that prisoner number GR3AS3R has a hacksaw-flavoured cake.

Then again, fucking a girl whose guy is in prison behind the guy's back is possibly one of the lowest things you can do, unless the guy is deluded that they're still together. Unless he was the fucker that stole my car earlier this year, in which case I hope you take a poke at your lady friend there with a wind-up cockfist.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Sep 12, 2004 11:29 pm

Oh, she's assured me she's "distanced herself" from that relationship, yet they've still remained good friends, and he's staying at her place the week he gets out before she carts him back to Steamboat Springs, where he lives.

But I mean, please. I've seen this porn movie before.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 4:08 am

pinback wrote:How long can you play the part of the gay friend before you just say "fuck this shit"?
Really, what's the time limit on that? A month? A week? 0 seconds?

Guys in these relationships NEVER give up. The women make sure they don't. We're going to be hearing about this for a looooonnng time. Jesus, I thought you were too smart for this shit.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 7:34 am

Vitriola wrote:Jesus, I thought you were too smart for this shit.

Really? Where the hell you been the last year and a half or so?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:02 am

pinback wrote:Oh, she's assured me she's "distanced herself" from that relationship, yet they've still remained good friends, and he's staying at her place the week he gets out before she carts him back to Steamboat Springs, where he lives.

Sure, sure, sure. Sometime between now and the last long-term relationship I got in it became okay for dumped guys to hang around the dumper for as long as humanly possible. Just a total disregard for such phrases as, "I'm leaving you," "I met somebody else," and "I'm leaving the planet for another one - please don't follow." I blame emo music for making it okay to be a huge weeping pussy, but I also blame the society we live in where it's apparently acceptable -- in their minds! -- to be as clingy as all fuck until the end of civilization.

When I last got kicked to the curb I moped around for a couple weeks and tried to call and change the girl's mind for that time, but fuck, eventually John Doe, in the form of dignity, regains the upper hand.

"John Doe has the upper hand!" -- Morgan Freeman

And while I felt bad about it for some time thereafter (nobody is saying "don't feel bad..." OK, yes, I am saying "don't feel bad") I refrained from bugging the shit out of the girl. Or, to wrap it back towards your situation, STAYING WITH HER AS I EXITED INCARCERATION.

What a sad fuck. They give you a bus ticket when you leave the pokey. It's not because bus tickets go for a lot on eBay, it's so you get the fuck out of Dodge.

No offense, but if the girl you like is OK with a convicted felon not named "Rocker" living with her "temporarily" while he "gets things straightened out" (read: desperately tries to fuck her each and every night until she develops a backbone and changes the locks) then I think you may want to identify Plan B and find someone a little more stable. Hey, girls in chairs are by definition stable. Know any of them?

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:05 am

Yeah, I think I'ma go ahead and throw this one back. Damn shame, though.

Oh well, onward and upward.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:34 am

pinback wrote:Yeah, I think I'ma go ahead and throw this one back. Damn shame, though.

Oh well, onward and upward.

But she has friends, right?

Or did she meet them at the Boulder Cell Block Associate's Block Party Shindig and they have locked-up ne'er-do-well and ne'er-go-way "boyfriends" as well?

Casual Observer · Post by **Casual Observer** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 10:57 am

pinback wrote:How long can you play the part of the friend before you just say "fuck this shit"?

Really, what's the time limit on that? A month? A week? 0 seconds?

In my experience, it NEVER works to transition from friend to romance. The only time I've had real success has been just going after her with everything you've got and risking the outright rejection.

I think women enjoy having a safe relationship with someone who they are not obligated to have sex with. As a friend, you take over part of the boyfriend role, the unfun part (listening to her talk, catering to her, "hanging out" with her, helping her get into her apartment when she's locked herself out). You get to do all the work and this phantom guy comes in and gets the sex.

In addition, these female friends can actually become jealous if you do start to date someone and become catty and try to get between you and your new interest. It's like she's not really interested in you until someone else is - then you're the shit.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 1:37 pm

So you're saying... you're saying I should *date* somebody.

Okay. Well, alright, I like that idea! Unfortunately, that brings us to the remainder of Pinback's Women I through VII. Right now, it ain't too pretty.

Ahh, hell with it. I can be happy without this bullshit.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 4:46 pm

I completely agree with Casual Observer. We'd much rather 'discover' the warm and fuzzy things about the guy we're totally hot for, than have to create sexual feelings for someone we got to know as a friend. You have to impress us before you befriend us; there's no going backwards. When a woman really wants a man, she knows right away, and will make a move. If there's this huge lag, well, unless she's Christian or something, you're going to figure out right quick, usually by her unzipping your pants, that she wants you. Most guys, upon meeting a fetching female, will try and agree with her, 'get to know her' by asking like 2000 questions, or immediately, in some way, masking their masculinity. We like guys who have strong opinions; it's a show of strength, and millions of years of evolution taught the human species that strength = power, and power = sex.

Let's illuminate this with an example!

WRONG:

Some Ditz: "I saw trhis movie recently! It was so cute!!! :):) It had Meg Ryan AWWW."

Some Loser: *gulps* "Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I should see that one! If you like it so much."

RIGHT:

Some Whore: "I saw this great Disney movie! It had kitties :):):) and like that guy was like SO HOT" *sa-WOON*

Stud: "Pfft."

SW: "You didn't like it?"

Stud: "Bollocks".

SW: *SWOON*

See? She's rather offended, but how many couples do you know who actually like the same movies anyway? She doesn't want that guy who agrees with her, she KNOWS that no guy is going to go willingly to the chickflick slaughter, and she sure as hell wouldn't date one of them. She likes a guy that'll tell her how he really feels. Stop agreeing with the women, unless you really feel that way, but when you DO agree, don't look all lovingly into her eyes when you do this, give her an appraising glance like you are proud of her for coming to the correct conclusion. We like approval, especially when we think we've earned it. Approval because we're cute, single, and look, we already know you want to get with us, isn't going to take you anywhere. No, don't be an arrogant asshole, but, come on.

WRONG:

That girl you've been checking out: "What, you LIKE that show?"

You: "It's better than that crap YOU watch."

RIGHT:

Some hottie: "I HATE those kinds of movies".

You: "You're not the first girl that's said that."

See? Now, you've put it out there that other females have found your company enjoyable, you didn't agree with her stupid-ass opinion, but you've let it be known that you respect her obviously faulty logic, but could really give a shit.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GIRLS THAT TALK ABOUT OTHER MEN

WRONG:

Some messed-up bitch: "My ex blah blah and I'm not there anymore but you know and do you hate me? I'm glad I can talk about these things with you..."

That guy: *thinks he's building up trust and intimacy and really soon she's going to realize how kind and loving he is and totally want his shit*

RIGHT:

Some manipulative slattern: "I really like it that we're friends and I no really I'm not looking for other men all the while we're together I mean I just got out of a relationship right? so you can see I'm single and you'll keep paying attention to me..."

Her next lay: "Sounds like alot of bullshit drama; I dated a girl like that once. I ditched that shit right away. Hey, I gotta go. Hope it all worls out for you (slightly condescendingly)."

Or, like CO said, just go after her with everything you've got, risk the rejection, and when you GET the rejection, walk away. You're not going to change her mind until she starts respecting you as a man, not just a 'friend'.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 5:23 pm

That's outstanding! Somebody should be writing this stuff down!

Oh, also, do any of the techniques (particularly the "going after it with everything and then walking away if rejected) need alteration if the people involved are next-door neighbors?

I mean, isn't it tough to "walk away" when you live ten feet from one another?

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 6:30 pm

No, but you don't have to be put at her disposal, either, and hey, if you do actually enjoy her company, still don't sit there and give yourself away. She wants to talk about her feelings? Let her go ahead, but react to them like you're NOT interested in her. You want to talk about yours? DON'T. She has to earn that intimacy. This comes down to the difference between the sexes. Women will talk about their feelings to telemarketers. When YOU do, however, it makes you look like a pussy. There it is. Those kinds of secrets men reserve for their most trusted and closest women partners. Giving that shit to any random cute girl is selling yourself short, and creats the wrong impression. We know men are more stoic; we expect it.

WRONG:

She: "problems deep inner thoughts quandaries"

You: "resaonable explanations, well thought-out responses, how you are different and would never do that to someone, your own thoughts"

RIGHT:

Her: "stuff and shit and girly things and cries"

You: "that's shit, I'm sorry that happened to you, here's a hot chocolate, go away."

Come on, we're all friends with our neighbors. The 85 year old woman downstairs doesn't think I want to bone her. Treat her like a freind, but Jesus, she KNOWS you want more. How does she know that? Because you acted like you wanted it. Stop acting like that. Treat her like she was a guy. And, if it's really upsetting you, because you have serious interest in her, get rid of her. She's using you, you're so upset you started drinking again, the ONLY benefit you're getting is the company. And that makes you look worse. Fuck, I hate women like this. They really know how to play men, or, at the very least, they're not playing them, but what THEY want is more important than the damage they're doing. If I knew a really cool guy, but I knew he was interested in me, I wouldn't see him, even if I liked him lots. What I want isn't so important that I want to fuck someone's shit up. Don't believe for an instant she doesn't know exactly the reaction she's having. She doesn't care.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Sep 13, 2004 7:33 pm

Vitriola wrote:she KNOWS you want more. How does she know that?

Because she asked me once, and I told her?

(EEP!!!!)

You make good sense.

Stay tuned, as this situation unravel-- I mean, as this situation develops.

Reality Check · Post by **Reality Check** » Tue Sep 14, 2004 7:08 am

Now that you're drinking again, why not try getting her drunk?