Jolt Country

First movie review: VAMPIRE HUNTER D

Excellent. This was the first anime program I watched in a long, long, long time. (Something like 8 years ago the Infinite Raven... and oh, by the way, WHERE FOR ART THOU, LUTHER.... and I watched one, but I can't recall the name. I'm over here ---> ) It was great. The art was solid, dark and keen, the story actually had me a little upset at the end due to all the hot, gay death and I would totally pirate it onto a blank DVD (because as we say on Caltrops, no anime is worth your wage).

Anyone want to talk about this? Feel free!


First sex review: THE PARIS HILTON VIDEOTAPE

Go go hot aliens!! You're not missing a goddamn thing. And the worst part is, this stuck-up nothing is on some TV show. Not that I give a damn, but every single channel on the planet that carries football really only carries it so that they can hit you over the head with all the crappy shows they picked up for the upcoming year. She has one where they put her and some other bitch on a farm. HA HA, DIRT UNDER FINGERNAILS, HAND UP A COW'S BUTT, HA HA HA. This is why the nation is crumbling.

Anyway, here's a screenshot of that frigging alien for anyone who didn't know about it and thought they found some wank material:

Hey, Robb, us being people of like mind, in constant fear of a zionist uprising, can I ask you a question?

Did that robotic horse in Vampie Hunter D piss you off?

I didn't know the horse was a robot.

The sickly guy who was a ghost was really cool, though.

The palmface really freaked me out. I hate disembodied heads. And you'd really be surprised at how often they pop up when you don't like them.

Was the Vampire Hunter you saw the one where he catches an arrow in a really cool way near the beggining? If so, that's the much better sequel. I think they only *just* released the original, and I haven't seen it yet, but on Manga.com the video preview looks pants.


Grabbed by the Ghoulies

Is a good game, which shocks a lot of people, and sorry Nintendo-Wankfaces, just because Rare left Nintendo doesn't suddenly mean all their games suck.



First sex review: Keza.

Review Pending...


Second game review: Fire Emblem

GBA. Pure sweet sweet joy. This is quite possibley the best game I have ever played, next to Shining Force II. And Creature Shock, and anyone who badmouths that will fucking die. I know that I liked Enter The Matrix, but hear me out; this game is worth owning.

The game is a funky-strategy-style RPG, like Shining Force, but without the walkabout bits in the middle. When you play, it is a battle. This is only a problem in that you have to do your shopping during battles, and loading up your thief from a store 20 clicks away, and taking six turns to get him to give new swords to everyone isn't really fare.

You are some bitches' "Tactician", which is weird; You are referred to in game constantly, and characters look up to you for orders, which can be somewhat disconcerting, as you keep thinking of yourself as that "Main Character" wench.

Plays like Advance Wars, but fun as well as addictive. When a character dies, they really die. You cannot bring them back into battle, or "Pheonix Down" them. This can lead to restarting a battle 20 times when that thief you were getting really attached to gets an arrow in the back. The game uses a "Weapons Triangle" system that gives the game a rock-paper-scissors edge; Swords outdo Axes, Axes outdo Lances, Lances outdo Swords, etc. Special items like the sword "Lance Reaver" reverse the triangle.

It is very, very groovy, while not being as dauntingly complex as Final Fantasy Tactics, in which you can spend an hour honing a character thru sub-menus. This is far simpler, but due to that fact that every character really *is* a character, and that fact that half the game is figuring out which characters fight best when with their best friend, or which enemies can be persuaded to join your team by talking to other members of your team, means that you can't get bored of it. For example, on your 20th play thru a level, when you decide to take *that* archer, and *that* knight, you'll find out that that knight & that Paladin went to school together and *Wehey!* new Paratrooper on your side. Very groovy.

Also means many-a-restart when you realise that swordsman you just cleaved in two was the Lost Prince and you prolly should've sent your Pagasus Knight to reason with him, what with her being his cousin three times removed.

I am waffling here because the game's so good. Animations? Have I mentioned them? Absolutley *Fantastic*. You play overview-Shining Force style, but for battles, if goes into this fantasticly animated Ballet-view:



A particularly dull battle map



A white mage challanged a dark mage, in the seperate "Weaons Triangle" of magic, light outdoes dark. Animal magic trumps Light.



However, a "Huge Fucking Axe" outdoes "Animal Magic", such as this young maggot uses.



This guy does the most adorabe little flute-playing animation EVARR, and has to be seen. He refreshes spent troops.


SHE IS YOU BUT NOT YOU YOU ARE HER TACTICIAN OMG

Play this game. You gotta. Download it on an emulator if you have to.

In Conclusion:
If you like Vampire Hunter D, good. Steer clear of the Manga "Vampire Wars", or your eyes will start to bleed even more profusely that this guy I know called Chris "My Eyes Keep Bleeding" Jones. And let me tell you; He's a gusher!

I am not sure which version I got. I learned that there are two. I have only seen one.

He did catch an arrow, but I don't know if it was in the cool way, or the very cool way.

Vitriola set up her PC to grab a bunch of anime last night, so hopefully it arrived and there is some content waiting to be watched. I now just have to get some blank DVDs so we can watch them on the TV.

Must add my acclaim to that which Lex has already bestowed upon Fire Emblem. Strategy RPG's usually aren't my thang, mainly because I am a victim of the Fifteen Hour curse and can only really enjoy games which have no particular necessity for commitment, but Fire Emblem is something which is both excessively deep and instantly accessible; it combines rich, complicated play mechanics with a learning curve that makes them seem as natural as anything. New concepts are introduced once every couple of chapters, so you're not flooded at the beginning of the game with squillions of irritating variables. It gets steadily more complicated until calculating all the different character interactions and battle outcomes seems almost second nature.

First sex review: Keza.

Review Pending...

Oh fneehehehehe. :-P

I had Creature Shock. It definitely had some neat things going for it, but I'm a bit surprised to hear anyone put it in their top three games. I thought of it as more of a somewhat cool but flawed experiment, especially because it was a bit buggy on my computer.

Don't be a foo'. It was great. It had absolutley everything I hold dear; A simple, addictive play-mechanic, astounding graphics, and a seven-of-nine look-alike.

I would totally do that alien motherfucker.

Lex wrote:Don't be a foo'. It was great. It had absolutley everything I hold dear; A simple, addictive play-mechanic, astounding graphics, and a seven-of-nine look-alike.

Admittedly I've never played it, but it sounds the sort of thing that only you could truly appreciate :-D

I would totally do you, you alien motherfucker!

Hey Jonsey, when's this thread going to get back on track? C'mon, knock us up with some more reviews!

Don't let this review thread become abandoned like Pinback's Hot Sauce Review thread. Look what turning his back on the thread earned Ben -- an untimely death somewhere out in the Mid-West.

Don't you want to LIVE?!

COME ON COME ON SUPER PEOPLES!

Alright, lunkheads, I'm doing this *for* RobB.

Resident Evil, the movie

Verdict: thumbs... sorta even.
It, as I have said, wasn't all that faithful to the game it was supposed to be about, and the way the zombies acted in the movie really got to me, and the Alice in Wonderland aligory was really, *really* cheesy...

...But it had, as my other Jolt Country regulars (okay, they're not mine... except Keza, natch. (kidding.) (not kidding.) (kidding.)) have pointed out, boobies, great action sequences, and... aaaahh... something else that I'm sure was really, really cool. Yeah.

...Look, this isn't turning out very well. My *point* here is that they could have made basically the same movie, removed refferences to Umbrella, T-Virus and Raccoon City, changed the name from Resident Evil to... well, anything but the Dead trilogy, and they would have had a nice, solid movie which I would have enjoyed thoroughly. Except for the way the zombies were coriagraphed, natch, but nevermind.

Grade: C+!

Keza

Review pending! Hahahahahaha omgrofllmfao11111!11!

Lysander wrote:Alright, lunkheads

Hmm. Alright.

Resident Evil, the movie

Verdict: thumbs... sorta even.

Grade: C+!

C+? Maybe you didn't get it, Lysander. When I was haunting the premiere, there was this kid drooling and clapping his hands excitedly whenever there was a loud noise in the movie that asked the exact same question you did. Perhaps this was your problem.

And they don't offer refunds to imaginary pals, so your "date" ain't gettin' her money back.

I loved that movie. And not just because Milla Jovovich was in it, I just really enjoyed the film.


-Ghost of Siskel

ChainGangGuy wrote:Hey Jonsey, when's this thread going to get back on track? C'mon, knock us up with some more reviews!

I... I haven't seen a new movie or watched bad pornography since then! I'm sorry. I'll see what I can do about stepping it up this weekend.

Don't let this review thread become abandoned like Pinback's Hot Sauce Review thread. Look what turning his back on the thread earned Ben -- an untimely death somewhere out in the Mid-West.

True. One of us really should have e-mailed him or something by now. It was too bad that it ended that way. Ah, well, whattaya gonna do.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:True. One of us really should have e-mailed him or something by now. It was too bad that it ended that way. Ah, well, whattaya gonna do.

By the way, how long was Ben's self-imposed exile supposed to last? A year? A entire goddamn year? Sheesh!

Oh well, there's no use hemming and hawing over it now, what with Ben rightfully burning in Hell and all. I told him it was bad luck to abandon his Quarterly Updates.

ChainGangGuy wrote:By the way, how long was Ben's self-imposed exile supposed to last? A year? A entire goddamn year? Sheesh!

I know he was searching for himself. I fucking hope he went and found himself, because this is HORSESHIT.

You hear me, Parrish? I know you're fucking out there. This is HORSE. SHIT.

I think his self-imposed exile was supposed to last one thousand years. Or maybe one. I just want my friend back, god dammit.