Pirates of the Caribbean & Hunting Humans

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 2:00 am

As a pirate (well, a software one) who usually speaks in a manner that most of the population would find annoying (I'm aware; I'm just too old to fix it), and who wears way too much mascara when it's time to get down to business (okay, this analogy is over) I felt that Captain Jack Sparrow of this summer's blockbuster release "Pirates of the Caribbean" was the first character I've seen in a movie in the recent past that was really out there speaking to me.

Good thing, too: Johnny Depp's performance as Sparrow made this movie, but it could have easily caused it to become as unwatchable as two Scots fucking. I had a chance to see a movie called "Hunting Humans" a couple days after 'Pirates' and the two films could really be brought up together as a sort of contrast and compare study on the importance of the charismatic protagonist. My own attempts at getting this added to the syllabus of one of a number of film classes at NYU earlier this morning were surprisingly met with a gruff defensiveness, uninterest, and enraged shouting relating to the finer points of skull-fucking of my own mother. Possibly this could be as I had secretly switched my cellular phone's entry for "B PARRISH" to "NYU FILM," and possibly this could be that while a little intoxicated, as I was "earlier this morning," all suggestions at all volumes pretty much tend to get cross-wired in my head with instructions on how best to sever and extract ol' Linda's septum.

Depp's portrayal of Captain Sparrow is of an eccentric rogue found annoying by virtually every other soul in the movie. Depp's speech is clever, flowery, lilting. He waves his hands about the air as if he were poking and fondling the unseen djinni that only truly get him. His neck bounces to and fro like Captain Christopher Pike trying to to say "maybe." Putting this down on paper reveals that it should be instantly and irrevocably annoying, but Depp's skill as one of the greatest American... I mean, AmeriKKKan actors allows him to get quite away with it. He's disdainful to just about every character in the film, but I found myself rooting for the guy anyway.

More, Sparrow comes off as rather neutered in the film, thus opening up his act to a wider female audience. We've all been there, boys: you have a veritable arsenal working with the hottie and you are making her laugh like the pet hyena of two Scots fucking. However, her nottie friend is there right along with her, getting pretty pissed off that you're speaking in some sort of jovial cant not meant for her. Depp's an equal opportunity condescender and jester. If you are to comport yourself with a mischievous arrogance, I suppose it is better for you to behave that way towards everyone you meet.

And ultimately, I think Depp carries the movie into something truly memorable. Don't get me wrong, Legolas (and I think that there are three things that separate the amateur movie reviewer from the professional: 1) An opinion of Roman Polanski's round of pedophilia skewed slightly negative 2) Referring to M. Night Shaylaman as M. Night Shammalammadingdong 3) Referring to Orlando Bloom as "Legolas") definitely brings a lot to the table in terms of unflinching desire and passion for the female lead (Keira Knightley) and Geoffery Rush and that kid from "The Office" are solid as well. But Depp is able to make me forget, almost, just how uncompelling a big chunk of the film was where there were battles with the zombie pirates who couldn't die.

Or maybe I'm just gay on Depp or something. I'll leave that as an exercise for the class.

Over with "Hunting Humans" we've got another protagonist who does his best to ruin the film. Rick Ganz may very well be one of the worst actors of our generation (though, it was commented by JC Reader Vitriola that one of the office workers in the film may very well be the worst actor ever, and I am inclined to agree.) Ganz plays Aric Blue, a guy obsessed with hunting, well, humans because humans have patterns and that makes them worthy of his contempt and own brand of condescension.

Ganz can't fucking act and he buries this film. The direction and writing are terrible (the plot, maybe, could have been saved) and it's got definite value for MST 3000ing with your friends. But in a protagonist-centered movie, we may not have to like the character, but we definitely need to feel that the guy we are spending 90 minutes with is not just some clown who lifted a bunch of weights and knew the director.

Name an aspect of acting -- delivery, reactions, emotions, narration -- and Ganz sucks at it. He is very bad at what he does, and what he does is not very nice. He definitely needed some direction, and noting some of the other choices made during this piece of garbage (again, Reader Vitriola noted that when a building is lit on fire, this is denoted only really by some felt or cardboard cut-outs of reddish paper placed on top of a black background and wiggled a bit) I am inclined to spread the blame around a bit.

Also: worst opening credits of all time. They make the scenes displayed by your friendly neighborhood sysop in his Fallacy of Dawn trailer look like something that would make the withered corpses and bony skeletons that make up the AFI break out into a toothy, sinister grin.

And why the fuck was the last scene in the movie one where Aric was screaming at the camera covered in blood brandishing a sword? He never used a sword in the film. The hell? Personally, if one wants to put a complete non-sequitor that would alienate the last couple of unalientated viewers and give it that extra push into the realm of the terrible, there were probably better options to pick from. Like, hell, I don't know... two Scots fucking or something.

How to do it right, how to do it wrong. And one incredible weekend of movie magic!

Lex · Post by **Lex** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 4:07 am

You laugh, but I've seen American women.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 4:57 am

Depp wrote:"I was ecstatic they re-named 'French Fries' as 'Freedom Fries'. Grown men and women in positions of power in the U.S. government showing themselves as idiots," he told Stern.

He acts as if it were Prop 476 and calling them anything else is on penalty of death.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 8:01 am

Lex wrote:You laugh, but I've seen American women.

I was kidding with you in that, of course. I wanted to do something to make you realize that nobody really wanted you to leave, ever.

That being said -- you've popped an American or two in your time, right? Which nationalities have you gone for, o international one?

Lex · Post by **Lex** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 11:21 am

Chinese, Indian, Scots & ah, no American. Apart from KXXX Net-Sex. I think that, if I can persuade a girl to buy a webcam, just for me, that counts; it takes the same amount of effort.

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 4:27 pm

It's a shame that, by my own rules, I'm forced to hold Depp in utter contempt now, because between Pirates and what looks to be a really fun turn in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, I get the feeling I might be becoming a fan.

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 6:24 pm

Of course, I liked Depp as much as I did before after reading that article, even though he's gone on in more recent statements to say that stuff was taken out of context and what not.

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Tue Sep 09, 2003 9:28 pm

Roody_Yogurt wrote:Of course, I liked Depp as much as I did before after reading that article, even though he's gone on in more recent statements to say that stuff was taken out of context and what not.

Admittedly, it's entirely possible that, in actuality, it went something like this:

"My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America(n McGee's Alice) as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out," said the star of the off-beat films "Edward Scissorhands" and "Dead Man."

I mean, I understand that. And it's not like it will have any bearing on whether or not I see his films, or even really give a shit about his opinions. It's just that, by hand-picking roles and generally staying just under the Hollywood radar without really disappearing completely, he kinda began to seem to me like he was a bit cooler than your average starling. And then he has to go and express himself like a complete simpleton. It's just kinda disappointing, is all.

Protagonist X · Post by **Protagonist X** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 1:18 am

On Pirates of the Carribean:

Loved it. Want to see it again while it's on the big screen. I have a weakness for swashbuckling films in general, and pirate films in particular -- hell, I even rented the excretory Cutthroat Island -- but this one was The Pirate Movie I'd Always Wanted to See.

On Depp as Jack Sparrow:

Innovative portrayal. I'll go out on a limb and hypothesize that the pseudo-effeminate eccentricities weren't specified in the script and were completely the product of the actor. Stuff like this frequently is. I agree with Robb that said eccentricities could have easily -- make that very easily -- been as charming as fingernails on a blackboard. And yet somehow Depp pulls it off. Jack Sparrow reminded me of some of the Sysop's best work in fictional characters: simultaneously anti-heroic and charismatic. I was compelled in spite of myself.

On Hunting Humans:

Consider me duly warned; I'll avoid it at all costs,

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 2:18 am

Debaser wrote:It's a shame that, by my own rules, I'm forced to hold Depp in utter contempt now, because between Pirates and what looks to be a really fun turn in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, I get the feeling I might be becoming a fan.

Well, I mean, the guy's got a right to an opinion. Where I feel mislead is that the papers and websites that took up on his comments tried to paint the guy as OMG COMMIE or OMG HERETIC or something. I mean, so he thinks America is broken -- I disagree with him somewhat, and I *would* want my children to grow up here if I had some -- but more than anything else, speaking your mind should be what this country is about.

The papers that tried to present him doing that as shocking really seem stupid to me. It shouldn't be shocking for an American anywhere to speak out about what he does not like about the United States.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 2:20 am

Protagonist X wrote: On Hunting Humans:

Consider me duly warned; I'll avoid it at all costs,

I gotta say, it may be worth seeing just for how incompetent it is. I mean, you're into film and everything... it may be something worth seeing to recalibrate one's sense of bad. Heh.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 2:50 am

Come on, it falls so squarely into 'badinagoodway' it practically screams to have it in your collection. It's the kind of movie you want to make all your friends watch after you've seen it.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 7:21 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:It shouldn't be shocking for an American anywhere to speak out about what he does not like about the United States.

Why do you hate America, ICJ? You make the Baby Ashcroft cry.

Bruce

Debaser · Post by **Debaser** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 3:31 pm

Well, I mean, the guy's got a right to an opinion. Where I feel mislead is that the papers and websites that took up on his comments tried to paint the guy as OMG COMMIE or OMG HERETIC or something. I mean, so he thinks America is broken -- I disagree with him somewhat, and I *would* want my children to grow up here if I had some -- but more than anything else, speaking your mind should be what this country is about.

The papers that tried to present him doing that as shocking really seem stupid to me. It shouldn't be shocking for an American anywhere to speak out about what he does not like about the United States.

No, no. You misunderstand me. It's not his opinion I take issue with. I mean, fuck. If I wasn't born here and wasn't so incredibly goddamn lazy and didn't like the food, I'd probably be off in New Zealand or somewhere where the weather is nicer and I don't have to drive past "Keep kids alive, drive 25!" signs on my way home.

It's his laughably inept stating of said opinion and consequential coming across as some liberal arts freshman with a weblog that irked me. That's all.

With great freedom of speech comes great responsibility not to sound like a fucking moron, dig?

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 3:58 pm

I do think it's a different deal because he was talking to European reporters, specifically German ones, and I'm sure it was meant to be a throwaway comment, a joke on the state of things that was completely blown out of proportion. The reporters were probably just getting back for all the French and German jokes made within the last eight months.

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 4:01 pm

Also, I'm guessing that the whole custom titles thing was just a setup so one by one, we'll all have slept with Shortcake ha ha LOLers.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 4:29 pm

Roody_Yogurt wrote:Also, I'm guessing that the whole custom titles thing was just a setup so one by one, we'll all have slept with Shortcake ha ha LOLers.

That was all the content I was gonna bring for September, so thanks for spoiling that.

=(

Roody_Yogurt · Post by **Roody_Yogurt** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 7:32 pm

If only you put the effort into finishing your game that we put into sleeping with Shortcake...

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 7:36 pm

Heh.

You are the wind beneath my wings, Roody_Yogurt.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Sep 10, 2003 8:35 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:and I *would* want my children to grow up here if I had some

How many other countries have you lived in for a significant enough length of time to bring you to this conclusion?