Cool as Ice (1991)

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Flack
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Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Flack »



Like moths to a flame, when I discover a mainstream movie has a 3% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I have to check it out.

Cool as Ice is a 1991 film starring Vanilla Ice. Today, everybody remembers Vanilla Ice as a joke. Maybe people remember his flashy costumes and dance moves, or the fact that he got caught "embellishing" his biography, or maybe even his multiple encounters with the law, but what a lot of people forget is that Ice's debut album, To the Extreme, sold 15 million copies. 15 million copies means 1 out of every 22 people in the US owned that album. It was the fastest selling rap album of all time and spent sixteen weeks at number one. So while everyone loves to clown on Vanilla Ice, just remember... 1 out of every 22 people bought that album. (Mysteriously, nobody seems to know one...)

The film opens with Vanilla Ice and his motorcycle posse rolling into Sleepy Town, USA, on brightly colored crotch rockets. It's not fully clear what Ice and his posse actually do for a living. It kind of seems like they just travel from town to town crashing parties and performing for free. Except they don't travel with any equipment or even backpacks. On their arrival to this town, Ice jumps his motorcycle into field and knocks a girl off her horse. Then he says something like "yo I'd like to date you, aight?" and she says no thank you, which is the correct response.

Later that afternoon, one of the posse's bikes breaks down, forcing the group to find a local mechanic. This strands the four in Sleepy Town and gives Ice time to pursue his new love interest (the girl he nearly killed), whom he learns is a high school student named Kathy who has just scored a perfect score on the SAT and has big college plans, which is exactly Vanilla Ice's type. He visits Kathy's home and discovers her hanging out on her front porch with her boyfriend, Nick. Nick is a spoiled rich kid who drives a brand new Corvette convertible. Ice tells Kathy to "drop the zero and get with the hero," although by all outward appearances it seems Vanilla Ice is the zero.

Around the same time Vanilla and his posse rolled into town, two ex-cops have tracked down Kathy's family. Turns out, Kathy's father (played by Michael Gross) was also a cop who turned in those other cops and went into the witness protection program. Because both Ice and the ex-cops arrived in town at the same time, Kathy's parents believe they are working together which... I mean, Vanilla Ice has gigantic hair, eyebrows with lines shaved in them, and a giant leather jacket with things like DOWN BY LAW and YEP YEP written on it. He doesn't seem like the type of dude who would be working for two dopes straight out of the Home Alone school for training bad guys.

Every now and then, Naomi Campbell shows up and dances in the streets between scenes. Because.

The morning after meeting Kathy, Vanilla Ice sneaks into her bedroom, crawls into bed with her, and wakes her up by sticking an ice cube in her mouth. When she wakes up he's like "yo this romantic right?" and she doesn't dial 911 for some reason. And then her little brother talks to Nick and says "will you give me a ride in your Corvette today?" and Nick says "not today, my good man." And then he asks Vanilla Ice if he can ride on his motorcycle and the Ice man says "yep yep" because he's Cool as Ice (tm). He then puts a 12YO kid on the back of his motorcycle and does wheelies up and down the street.

At one point Nick and four of his pals, all armed with baseball bats, jump an unarmed Vanilla Ice. But Vanilla kicks all their asses because not only is he cool as ice, he's also BAD AF. Go ninja, go ninja, go!

My favorite part of the movie except for the whole movie is when Vanilla Ice gets dumped by a girl he's known for two days. He is so upset that he rides his motorcycle really fast and then parks it in the desert and poses on it as the camera spins around him. COOL AS ICE YO.

Cut to Naomi Campbell dancing in the streets again for no reason.

I do want to mention Vanilla Ice cracks the case of where the bad guys -- now kidnappers -- are holding Kathy's brother after he hears the faint sound of something being hit in the background and deduces that they must be hiding near that one house he saw being built the other day. Ice really missed the mark by not making a spin-off series in which he plays a detective. DETECTIVE ICE IN THE HOUSE YO.

I got news for all you people with your Avengers movies and your Hollywood movies. Drop those zeroes and get with this hero.

We Audi 5000 G. Word to your mother.

"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

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Flack wrote: Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:12 am15 million copies means 1 out of every 22 people in the US owned that album.
Only if nobody outside of the US bought it.

(Which, maybe?)
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Flack »

Thanks for beating Paul to it.
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

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Flack wrote: Sun Sep 19, 2021 3:32 pm Thanks for beating Paul to it.
I deserved that.
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by AArdvark »

Haa! Now you have to watch the MOVIE!

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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

This is one of those things where it would take, what, a week to have it be better?

A dipshit and his friends cruising into town and causing shit could be an instant classic. You could play it as a (real) comedy where every scene they make the people they interact with angrier than before. You don't even have to have Ice get his ass kicked, he could simply motor away, having ruined everything. It will never make sense to me, with everything it takes to make a movie, how these scripts are so bad.
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Flack
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Flack »

My best joke so far:

The writers of this movie were so dumb that when told to write a movie vehicle for Vanilla Ice, they literally wrote a movie where Vanilla Ice is on a vehicle most of the time.
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Tdarcos »

Flack wrote: Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:12 am Today, everybody remembers Vanilla Ice as a joke... but what a lot of people forget is that Ice's debut album, To the Extreme, sold 15 million copies. 15 million copies means 1 out of every 22 people in the US owned that album. It was the fastest selling rap album of all time and spent sixteen weeks at number one.
Flack, sometime look up the logical fallacy "argmenum ad poplum." Richard Dawson was a famous actor, game show member, and game show host, and was very good at all of these roles. That does not mean he was any good as a singer, as that video on YouTube (Apples and Oranges), that I refuse to inline because of its execrable quality (meaning it is a flawless reproduction) allows us to hear. So Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle performed a debut recording that sold 15 million copies, does not necessarily mean his acting wouldn't put us to sleep!

The fact that Vanilla Ice's real name is"Van Winkle" made the comparison too easy.
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Jizaboz »

I laughed at even the concept of this movie when it first came out.

When I finally saw it about 15 years later I realized I missed out! It's a stupid riot.
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Flack
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Re: Cool as Ice (1991)

Post by Flack »

Tdarcos wrote: Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:32 pm
Flack wrote: Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:12 am Today, everybody remembers Vanilla Ice as a joke... but what a lot of people forget is that Ice's debut album, To the Extreme, sold 15 million copies. 15 million copies means 1 out of every 22 people in the US owned that album. It was the fastest selling rap album of all time and spent sixteen weeks at number one.
Flack, sometime look up the logical fallacy "argmenum ad poplum." Richard Dawson was a famous actor, game show member, and game show host, and was very good at all of these roles. That does not mean he was any good as a singer, as that video on YouTube (Apples and Oranges), that I refuse to inline because of its execrable quality (meaning it is a flawless reproduction) allows us to hear. So Mr. Robert Matthew Van Winkle performed a debut recording that sold 15 million copies, does not necessarily mean his acting wouldn't put us to sleep!

The fact that Vanilla Ice's real name is"Van Winkle" made the comparison too easy.
I have a list of things for you to look up.
"Jack Flack always escapes." -Davey Osborne

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