Booze Poll

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:45 am

Bombay Sapphire kicks all ass over Ten. Get real.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 3:04 pm

http://www.beveragewarehouse.com/search/thumbnail.php?

This is the best.

THE
TRUST ME
AARDVARK

co · Post by co » Wed Mar 21, 2007 7:41 pm

Sure, Sapphire is great too.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 8:23 pm

Alright, I'm tired of this shit.

In this post I bring you the straight scoop when it comes to liquor, and it's important that you hear it, because I'm a drinker, and I hang out with you douchebags talking about your brands and your alliances and your shit. I will cover this liquor by liquor, because I know 'em all, and you are not going to impress me with your fucking BOODLES and 79-year-old yak piss. Ready?

Let's go.

VODKA
--------
You fucking dick. "I drink nothing but Grey Goose or Ketel One." Yeah, that's great, drink the world's greatest SCREWDRIVER with way, WAY overpriced stuff which you'd happily drink because you didn't know I filled the bottle with Popov before you came over to tell me how much you know about fucking vodka. So you take your fancy bottle, and you mix it with whatever garbage you want and think you're all that, or you drink it chilled, straight, and talk about the subtle undertones of a drink which BY ITS VERY NATURE is not supposed to have any undertones. The Vodka Conspiracy is the most embarrassing Mengele-esque experiment foisted on the drinking public. Vodka is totally neutral by nature, and thus it's a competition to come up with the fanciest bottle and then put out there the idea that one is better than the other, and people have taken that and RUN with it. I almost picked vodka on this poll, because it is represents the ultimate in versatility. It tastes like nothing, and so can be mixed with anything, or as Bruce says, can be used to get drunk if you don't like to drink, or if you want to spend an evening with a loaf of bread and a pint of frozen vodka you can pretend you're a Russian, which I do from time to time. But get real.

RUM
-----
Rum is the shit, in my opinion, but I'm not here to tell you what I like, I'm here to tell you that you're full of SHIT. You're LESS full of shit with rum, though, because at your average liquor store or grocery store, there's really very little to choose from. You're not as full of shit with rum because you're buying Bacardi because there's nothing else available. 10Cane has started showing up, but it's so overpriced who the hell can tell the difference. But believe me, if they started putting rum in fancy bottles and telling you what to like, you'd be just as full of shit. But check this out: BACARDI IS FINE. Bottom shelf rum, like bottom shelf most stuff, is fine. All your shit about "oh, it's so harsh" and "I get the worst headaches from that"... Oh, god. You people and your "bottom-shelf headaches". I have never heard a more steaming pile of crap than this. If you're getting headaches from bottom-shelf, it's because you drank 18 of them, you fucking cheapskate dickwad. Do I like great, top-shelf rum? Oh, lordy. But I'm not going around pretending I'm Mr. Thing because I won't let Bacardi touch these lips. You fuck.

GIN
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Tanquery Ten, Sapphire, and Boodles. Those are the really good ones. Everything else is STILL PRETTY GOOD. If you're using fucking GIN to prop up your sense of self, you need DESPERATE help, because the whole IDEA of gin is to be a cheapshit way to get fucking wasted in the middle of Korea while you get on with your fun-loving cohorts from the 4077. "Wow, this is really great gin" in Colorado is like, "wow, this is really great meth" in Riverside, CA. People arguing over gin. Jesus FUCKING Christ, you've missed the point.

SCOTCH
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Yeah, good. Great Scotch is great. Johnnie Walker Red is just fine. Don't act like a fuckface and turn into Mr. Single Malt, asking for your GlenGarry's and you won't have anything else. Bottom-shelf scotch? Yeah, that's fine too. It's smoked whiskey. Shut the fuck up. Again, if you're turning this into your identity because you only buy stuff in those big round tubes, you are desperately in need of a mirror so you can look into it deeply and say very loudly, "holy fuck, I'm looking at a goddamn alcoholic trying to justify his weakness!"

BOURBON
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See Gin. Jesus. "I only drink the finest bourbons." Yeah, anyone who says that definitely has a fifth of Jim Beam hidden in his desk drawer at work, you fucking alcoholic. You know, that's it. Anyone who is particular with this crap and makes a big deal out of it is DEFINITELY in need of a decent twelve step program. "Well, I don't REALLY have a problem because I drink only the finest." Drunk bitch. FUCK you.

OTHER WHISKEY
-------------------
SEE BOURBON, SEE SCOTCH, SEE GIN, SEE EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING ON THIS LIST.

TEQUILA
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Tequila, you have to upgrade and buy 100% agave, because there really is a significant difference between low-end Cuervo and real tequila. Seriously, it's a totally different drink. But none of you idiots voted for it on the poll anyway, so who gives a fuck.

In summation, CUT THE CRAP.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 8:36 pm

Yeah, what he said, but Junipero gin is also pretty interesting.

Bruce

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:15 pm

Vodka: Skyy is fine. But don't tell me Absolut doesn't taste like something, and something nasty, because it does. Stick with the Skyy. Pretty cheap, no flavor, smooth.

Gin: Who gives a crap. I used to mix that shit with frozen fruit juice concentrate in college and it was great. 1 bottle gin, 1 frozen tube juice, no water.

Tequila: Sauza is fine. If you're spending money on Jose, might as well either just get the cheaper Sauza or go for something not carmelized. Anejo is cheap, reposado is much, much better. But it's still tequila and it's still going in margaritas anyway, may as well buy the cheap stuff and spend the money on buying real fruit to blend into it rather than some fancy cheap mixer that is all sugar and water. Invest in a berry for chrissake.

Bourbon: Can't drink that shit, never could.

Cognac: Same.

Scotch: While I truly enjoy a good Chivas because of the balance of flavor, don't tell me that Glenmorangie isn't the cat's caboodle.

Rum: Bacardi is fine. Or the Captain. Unless you went overseas and came back and made an asshole out of yourself saying you'd only drink Brazilian <i>cachaça</i>, which is rough, but at least it's stronger, then you have some face to save.

What exactly is SoCo? Other whisky? Because that mixed with ruby red grapefruit juice is my most favorite mixed drink ever.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:41 am

Vitriola wrote:Anejo is cheap, reposado is much, much better.

This reflects a gross misunderstanding of tequila. Reposado is WISHY-WASHY. Look, do you want your tequila aged, or not? If not, get blanco. If so, why dick around with reposado and not just go for the more highly aged (and prized) anejo?

Reposado? Are you kidding me?

And CHEAP!? WHAT?!

Bugs · Post by **Bugs** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:56 am

pinback wrote: VODKA
--------
You fucking dick. "I drink nothing but Grey Goose or Ketel One." Yeah, that's great, drink the world's greatest SCREWDRIVER with way, WAY overpriced stuff which you'd happily drink because you didn't know I filled the bottle with Popov before you came over to tell me how much you know about fucking vodka. So you take your fancy bottle, and you mix it with whatever garbage you want and think you're all that, or you drink it chilled, straight, and talk about the subtle undertones of a drink which BY ITS VERY NATURE is not supposed to have any undertones.

Very well put. I loves me some fancy vodka, but you're throwing money away to mix high-end vodka with anything other than a splash of vermouth or a little olive juice. If I'm drinking a vodka martini, it's Ketel One. If I'm drinking vodka & club soda (best hot weather drink ever), it's whatever the fuck. Smirnoff, Captain Vladimir's Siberian Moon, no matter.

Also, a little nugget of info: Vodka and gin are essentially the same thing, with just a few extra ingredients added to gin.

saintlupus · Post by **saintlupus** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:03 am

Bugs wrote: Also, a little nugget of info: Vodka and gin are essentially the same thing, with just a few extra ingredients added to gin.

You could say the same thing about whiskey and Poland Springs water. Sometimes, the ingredients are important.

--Matt

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 10:38 am

Can someone (preferably Aardvark) fix Aardvark's goddamn fucked up post to keep it from screwing with the margins on this fucking thread?

Jesus.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:05 pm

pinback wrote:[This reflects a gross misunderstanding of tequila. Reposado is WISHY-WASHY. Look, do you want your tequila aged, or not? If not, get blanco. If so, why dick around with reposado and not just go for the more highly aged (and prized) anejo?

Reposado? Are you kidding me?

And CHEAP!? WHAT?!

Did I get those backwards? Which one is the golden one whose color is because they added caramel, thus cheap, and whose color is it because it is aged and wonderful and naturally that way, thus expensive?

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:30 pm

Vitriola wrote:Did I get those backwards? Which one is the golden one whose color is because they added caramel, thus cheap

That's called "Jose Cuervo". No real tequila, whether anejo, reposado, or blanco, is artificially colored. Blanco is unaged, reposado is aged a few months, anejo is aged longer, that's it.

and whose color is it because it is aged and wonderful and naturally that way, thus expensive?

That's called "good Tequila". Anejo being the darkest.

Finally some reason · Post by **Finally some reason** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:12 pm

Just a fu--

Okay. "Scotch." Scotch is what you drink when there's no bourbon. I don't know how to put that any more clearly. Yeah, you can drink low-rent stuff like Jim Beam or Jack Daniels (made in Tennessee, not a bourbon) if someone puts a gun to your head, but even down at your local standard-issue liquor shoppe you can get a pretty fine Woodford Reserve, the drinking of which will simply make your life better. If you don't want that, I can't help you.

Put it this way: I know America's only been at the top of the heap for fifty years or so (and fading fast), but in that time, you think they could've come up with a better whiskey than a bunch of cave-dwelling Scotsmen? Maybe? You think?

(And what's wrong with having a fifth of Jim Beam in the desk drawer, anyway? For chrissakes, Parrish, life's got to go on. Don't judge me.)

Also: you know why tequila rocks? Because if you're rating it the best, you're nineteen years old, and probably have a good decade-plus more time left on this rock than I do. You're drinking it because you haven't yet realized it tastes awful, and you're holding out hope that you're going to get into that Psych. major's pants before the night's out. You won't, but you have hope. And hope is beautiful.

Jesus fucking christ.

"Gin." Yeah, okay.

(Caveat: I love a fine martini, which requires fine gin, but as an ongoing thing I just can't deal with the glass.)

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:37 pm

Finally some reason wrote:Also: you know why tequila rocks? Because if you're rating it the best, you're nineteen years old, and probably have a good decade-plus more time left on this rock than I do. You're drinking it because you haven't yet realized it tastes awful, and you're holding out hope that you're going to get into that Psych. major's pants before the night's out. You won't, but you have hope. And hope is beautiful.

This is someone who's never tasted decent tequila. I'm not talking about doing SHOTS with a fucking slice of LIME dipped in SALT here, Anonymous Q. Douchedick.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 5:34 pm

RE: Aardvark's fucked up post..

I have yet to see the picture on this site. Every time I try to view my message i see the URL link but that's it. IF it messed up anyone's way of life I apologise, (fixed 22mar07)but not for the gin itself. Try some and see.

RE: Tequila

I USED to think that all tequilas tasted like mild paint thinner, hence the salt and lime bit. This was until my best friends parents vacationed in Mexico and brought him back a bottle of tequila that they don't sell to the Yanquis. It is 100% blue agave something-or- other (for some reason all the writing was in Spanish, a class I failed horribly.)

This tequila goes down smoother than an L.A. hooker. (and costs as much) I was prepared for the harsh taste and flaming throat that usually accompany the shot process (at the time we dint know that this was SIPPIN' liquor) All I got was a warm MMmmmm from the taste buds. Man, I whisht I had some more o that stuff. The closest I can compare it to is the Irish Mist of tequilas
It's the only reason why I would want to sneak South across the Rio Grande.

THE
WET BACK
DRY THROAT
AARDVARK

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 6:32 pm

AArdvark wrote:RE: Aardvark's fucked up post..

I have

I think that if there is a question mark involved in an img tag on a phpBB site that the image won't get processed correctly. I'd say that I am sorry, but I think it's a given at this point.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:10 pm

I can't do tequile shots, no matter the cost, but I have tested them (years working in fine restaurants with awesome liquor supplies, most top shelf), and I get they're good. Margaritas are a balm to the soul, however. I'd still take real fruit over fine tequila, but both go a long way to making a good drink.

Nothing wrong with gin! Wonderful taste, works great with tonic. i don't even LIKE tonic, or hard liquor, in general, except for mixed drinks, so if I can say a good gimlet or tonic is potable, is sure as fuck is.

Scotch is, in no way, ersatz bourbon. I hate bourbon, and have sipped scotch merrily. The Scots made it right, because the finest stuff is made with real peat. Yeah, it tastes like soil, which is bad, unless you really like the taste of soil (like I do). Forget the environmental difficulties here, that's for another thread.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:11 pm

The point of tequila is not shots. If you see someone doing shots of tequila, kill them immediately.

Finally some reason · Post by **Finally some reason** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:39 am

You won't, but you have hope. And hope is beautiful.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 5:26 pm

Bugs wrote:Also, a little nugget of info: Vodka and gin are essentially the same thing, with just a few extra ingredients added to gin.

Jesus Christ.

Those few extra ingredients being "everything that gives gin flavor."

Primarily juniper, but other things as well.

Seriously, MY SEMEN is just salt water and a few extra ingredients. You want some of it?

Bruce

Booze Poll

If you could only have one liquor for the rest of your life, what would it be?