Hitchhiker's Guide!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu May 12, 2005 3:42 pm

LYS wrote:How?

Yeah Lex, how!?!? It's not like Lysander can play graphical games.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 13, 2005 9:29 am

Haha, touche. I've been considering writing up a few other reviews--

--Hey, RobB, how's that Secret Ops review coming?

...I do hope you still have the copy of it, 'cause I'm like 86% sure I don't.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon May 16, 2005 11:39 pm

Lysander wrote:Haha, touche. I've been considering writing up a few other reviews--

--Hey, RobB, how's that Secret Ops review coming?

I have no idea what you're talking about. I have never heard of Secret Ops (appropriately named then, I guess) much less considered reviewing it. I have considered reviewing the following games in the last, I don't know, call it a million years.

1) Katana, for SPAG. I utterly failed to do this. I still feel bad about it. Paul wants a Guild of Thieves review, though, I could at least do that and finish a verbal commitment.

2) NARC, for Caltrops. Not much to say. I paid $20 and got fucked on the register the moment I said I wanted it. What a waste of money. Hey, imagine you've got the porky guy in the Kill Bill movies over to record some dialogue. Keep in mind that Bill Bellamy is also involved in this piece of shit -- nobody cares about Bill Bellamy. I honestly no longer consider him any sort of celebrity. Okay, but Mike Madsen is around and he goes to read the first line in your masterpiece of a game and it's "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SHUT THE HELL UP!" I mean, don't you die a little? Don't you question if you're in the right line of work? And those cretins who went for a round of interviews for NARC were so self-satisfied with the fact that it was at a $20 price point. They were revolutionaries, because it wasn't shovel shitware! Oh, no! it was an AAA release... but at twenty dollars!

No.

It was COMPLETE SHIT that I am embarassed to have purchased and I threw my goddamn money away. I am putting it on eBay tomorrow just to get $4 for it so I can buy four dollars worth of self-respect back. I wasn't even employed when I got that game. What an asshole. (Me, not the guys who made NARC... well, me and the guys who made NARC.)

I hope everyone involved never gets to work on a video game again, but of course they'll throw it on their resume. The guy who did the muddy textures (featuring "mud" and "asphalt") will get snatched right up, what a boon for the industry. What a fantastic hobby.

I won't feel good again until the government goes Mitnick on all of them and states that they may earn no income from using a computer for five years. For the love of Christ all you had to do was remake the arcade game with better graphics. Two guys, one in red and one in cyan, kill everyone they see, drive cars, steal money, try to suck up to William A. Sessions. Instead "eating some crack makes you a CRACK SHOT." It was funny when Meretzky made the t-removing machine, for instance, but the guy also knew the moon language that ZIL was in, so he was allowed to be stupid and goofy. Hey, I got the next drug for NARC: "smoking dope MAKES YOU A DOPE." Am I hired yet? No? "sniffing PCP makes you a PRETTY CUNNING POLICEMAN." Give me my fucking salary, secretary and royalties, I am now lead guy on the NARC II design team.

So anyway, I have no idea what you're talking about. This is normally the case for most of you who fall into the teenager category, I am just a little overtired and telling you now. Also, when Pinback writes something like, "Hey RobB! How's finishing BDTH coming?" it's because at one time he tricked me into saying that I was going to finish "Burning Down the House" even though its title is a lie and the one thing you have to give the crap I've shat out upon the world is that I make the title fit. There was no goddamn time to squeal, chicks most certainly were digging jerks and you had better know better than to fuck around with the mighty Hammurabi. Blowing Up The House, I mean, Burning Down the House is simply unfinished because if Ben finished it one of the people currently giving Varicella or Spider and Web their worthless opinion and vote of "5" might give something Ben did a score or two less than those two guys and it would drive him to suicide, which he both embraces and fears. I couldn't tell you five facts about Secret Ops other than it's apparently a game with secret operatives and somehow legible to the blind.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 5:50 am

It's an ICJ POSTING FRENZY!

Lex · Post by **Lex** » Tue May 17, 2005 7:41 am

LET US DANCE THE DANCE OF A THOUSAND POSTS!

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Tue May 17, 2005 11:13 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I have no idea what you're talking about. I have never heard of Secret Ops (appropriately named then, I guess) much less considered reviewing it.

It's a review *I* did. For "udpate week" that went officially unofficially to hell. The Wing Commander thing.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 17, 2005 11:33 am

Update Week? You lost me.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 12:19 pm

Jesus, even *I* remember UPDATE WEEK, and I'm a goddamn degenerate souse.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Tue May 17, 2005 7:04 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Update Week? You lost me.

Oh dear.

Oh, dear.

Okay, let's try again:

Trotting Kryps.

Yeah.

Trotting mother fucking Kryps.

You do remember what Trotting Kryps is, right? You do know what that 85% of your webpages that haven't been accessed since 1947 have on them, right? We haven't regressed to the point where you can't even remember your own goddamn roots, have you? Oh, no.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 17, 2005 7:28 pm

Lysander wrote:You do remember what Trotting Kryps is, right?

LOL

Okay, looking back I see that you and Roody both sent a review to me. I will put them up on JC proper.