A comment on "Murder in the Folkstin inn"

[James Bond]

I wasn't able to add this stuff in the comments section, so I've decided to release this on the unsuspecting populous of the JC forum! Mwa-hah-hah! I had a comment on the Softporn review, but I honestly don't think its worth repeating that much. I'd offer it up for grabbs for TK, since I'm such a horrible, terrible attention *slut*, but I don't honestly think that there's enough actual material there to make for a good review. If I wanted to do that, I'd have to pollish it up with, aheh, things I actually *liked* about the game. Can't have that now, can we? So, without further adeu or whatever, this "comment" which is actually longer than the freaking review I'm aledgedly commenting on. Yip-fucking-pee.

My problem with this game was not that it was puzzle-less IF, but that it was *poorly-implamented* puzzleless IF. I mean, the whole fricking game spends
three screens worth of dialogue implamented in the *room description*, *coughcough* Matt Beringer *coughcough*, and then has the unmitigated *gawl* to
not freaking tell you where you're supposed to go after *reading* this 3-screen diatribe about how much Violet hates the Bad Mofo (TM) of the piece. Oh,
wait, I just described the emotional character you're supposed to receive from that scene in 8one sentence*! Maybe, just *maybe*, if the author thought
of *doing it* that way, I wouldn't be *ranting* about it with *explicit* *use* *of* *asteriscs*. Oh, hahaha, here's *another* glorious gem from that marvelous
game Murder at the folksten inn that we all love so very very much: after reading the afore-mentioned three-screen diatribe, you have to advance the scene
by telling him "one word, low and hissed in anger", or something equally fucking retarded and buried in philosophic pros. I, *not* having a telipathic
link to the frigging author, ask for help. What do I get? A poem. A fricking *poem*. And the word you're supposed to input as a verb is taken out of it
and replaced with "___". I ended up figuring that particular puzzle out not because I was intelectual enough to come up with the proper quote, but because
it fit the context and rhymed. And once you input this word, you get teleported down to beachside, where Vida, our midnight black adventuress, is experimenting
with a new cane physics or something equally fucking stupid! Graaarrrgghhh! So after figuring out this puzle which I think is completely unfair, I get
transported to the next section without so much as a "good job, Jack! The heavens open with a portal of light which you ascend to and find all the pleasure
girls your 13-year-old mind can fantasise about! Screw this game, you've won!", I was, ah, kinda pissed. I mean, this particular puzle has, unless I am
mistaken somehow, *no fucking point whatsoever*. Oh, and what with the way *moving* from place place seems to *advance time*, I'd just like to take a brief
sidenote and react upon the fact that you can reverse time by moving backwards. Ah! Ah! How ingenius! H.G. Wells would never have thought of that in a
million years! Now, if I may, back to the vitriolic ranting. I have one small question for the writer of this game. That question, quite simply, is this.
*WHY* IN THE NAME OF *GOD*, DID YOU PUBLISH THIS AS *INTERACTIVE FICTION*? I mean, seriously, how fricking hard is it to get an AOL account and get onto
fictionpress.net? There you can post all the idiotic fiction you want and no one will break your kneecaps for it! In fact, they will praise you for it!
Because the morons who dwell of FF.net are complete losers with no lives who quite obviously can't tell a bad story if it contained a disclaimer reading
"THIS IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING STORY THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN! GIVE ME A BAD REVIEW BEFORE I KILL AGAIN!!!" Need an example? Go to the Lord of the Rings
fanfiction and read "Legolas, back to the future!" But, ahem, I'm ranting. The point is, why did she spend all the time programming this at best mediocre
game that takes a grand total of *fifteen minutes* to play? Seriously. I have no problem with puzzle-less IF, but when you're inputing one or two-word
commands that injendur five screens of text each time, there seriously comes a point where I have to ask :"... Excuse me, but do I *really have to be here*
for this? I can tell you're having a wonderful time, but if you don't mind I'd like to leave."
But, I haven't played the game since I was... jesus, since I was in the seventh fricking grade, if I recall correctly. Not a healthy age to be playing games
like this. Although, its entirely possible that this sort of "light" exposure to homosexuality has made me a better person, because I'm much more desensitised
by the point I actually start paying attention to it. So, on that note... thank you, Vida. Now, can I blow you? Please?