Shut up with all of this.

TigerCast 2003 · Post by **TigerCast 2003** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:07 pm

Round three is over! And the world got what it wanted, the sure-to-be-historical pairing up of Tiger and Ernie, the two greatest players in the world, in the final group, to go head to head and finally realize the rivalry that has been in the making for so many years!

Oh, except Ernie couldn't make a putt, and Tiger blitzed the field with a flawless 66, and now his closest competitor, Brad Faxon, is five shots back, and has a better chance of winning the lottery tomorrow than winning the golf tournament.

TigerCast 2003 told you on thursday: Tournament, over.

TigerCast 2003 will tell you again: Tournament?

OVER.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:28 pm

With this lead, would a "betting man" take Woods or the field at this point?

Ben · Post by **Ben** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:38 pm

Not to be a "buttinsky" here, but I doubt you'd even be able to place money on it at this point. It's not quite as sure a thing as the sun coming up tomorrow morning, but it's close enough that you won't be able to bet on it unless you know someone who just knows absolutely nothing about g--

Ohhh, wait, that was that OTHER tournament! Not THIS one. Yeah, this one, Tiger has a history of choking in the last round, and five shots is like, nothing, so if you can find someone who wants to bet on Tiger, I'd TAKE THAT ACTION. Oh, heck, hey, we can even have a little fun here ourselves!

Okay, just for fun, so you can place your little bet, I'll take Tiger to win, and I'll give you 5 to 1 odds, just to make it exciting!! Whaddya say? My $100 to your $20! That's a GREAT bet, man. You'd be stupid not to take it.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:42 pm

Make it 1,000 to 1, and I put up $1, and you're on.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:43 pm

And look, I already owe you a tab at Ruth's Chris's Barbeque's Steak's Rainy's anwyay, so if you don't mind I'd rather bet with non-sentients from here on out. THANK YOU SIR.

Ben · Post by **Ben** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:44 pm

You're faded.

(In gambler-speak, that means: "I'll take that bet.")

((( VIRTUAL HANDSHAKE )))

Ben · Post by **Ben** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:45 pm

Please mail my dollar to:

Ben "Gamblor" Parrish
122 Strand St., #2
Santa Monica, CA 90405

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sat Mar 22, 2003 7:51 pm

Ben wrote:You're faded.

(In gambler-speak, that means: "I'll take that bet.")

Fine, fine. I don't see how he will be able to win, frankly. Not with this much pressure on him.

((( VIRTUAL HANDSHAKE )))

TigerCast 2003 · Post by **TigerCast 2003** » Sun Mar 23, 2003 1:28 pm

The golf world awoke to two unsettling pieces of news:

1. It was going to rain heavily on the course all day. That's a big wildcard.

2. Tiger Woods showed up, suffering severely from some sort of gastro-intestinal problem, food-poising, or some other ailment which appeared to have sapped him of all strength, left him clutching his stomach in between shots, and occasionally walking into the woods trying to throw up, all while trying to play golf.

This was what the rest of the field needed, frankly. Wildcards and an ailing Tiger, to stand a chance.

They rose to this challenge by once again falling apart, not that it would do any good, with Tiger shooting a bogie-free 68, the second-best round of the day, and going on to obliterate them by a total of eleven shots. Eleven, I said. That is a Bay Hill record, not surprisingly, and ties for fifth on Tiger's all-time list of biggest victories. (The fact that an 11-shot victory is FIFTH on his list is even more frightening.)

And now, as I've been trying to convince you since Thursday afternoon, the tournament really is over.

TigerCast 2003 Statistics:

Number of tournaments entered: 4
Number of tournaments destroyed: 3
(Special Bonus Stat: Number of tournaments destroyed with the force of a thousand suns exploding: 1)

The rest of the golf world bows their head in a mixture of shame and respect.

77 · Post by 77 » Mon Mar 24, 2003 1:33 pm

I would just like to at this time thank Ernie Els for shooting me yesterday!

Professionals so rarely shoot me. I get lonely and depressed! High numbers have needs too!

TANKS ERNIE!

TigerCast 2003 · Post by **TigerCast 2003** » Fri Mar 28, 2003 9:55 pm

Well, The Players Championship. The "fifth major". Tiger on a roll coming in. Why even bother playing the tournament? Just give him the check.

After round two, all I can tell you is: hey, at least he made the cut. That's 101 consecutive cuts made, only four off Jack's record, and only 12 off Byron Nelson's all-time record.

Unfortunately, that's about the best news I can bring you. Tiger is not tearing up the TPC Sawgrass as we all hoped. He is seven back (actually, five back, except for one dude way out in front, and that won't last), with still a glimmer of hope, but at this point, it's best we just start rooting for a top-five finish, which will mean that Tiger has finished in the top five in every tournament he's played this year.

More updates as I can bear to write them.

MontgomerieCast 2003 · Sat Mar 29, 2003 12:44 am

Er... well...

Faldo didn't do so well either you know, mate.

LoveCast 2003 · Post by **LoveCast 2003** » Sun Mar 30, 2003 5:51 pm

SUCK IT BITCHES!!

TigerCast 2003 · Post by **TigerCast 2003** » Sun Mar 30, 2003 6:15 pm

Congraultions to DL3 on his masterful performance today. A well-earned win.

Congratulations also to Tiger Woods for making two eagles and a birdie and STILL not breaking even par. Yeah, THAT'S what you want to do in a really important tournament that everyone's expecting you to win. TIE FOR ELEVENTH. That's sure to make them COWER WITH FEAR moving into the MOST IMPORTANT TWO WEEKS of the year!! WHAT THE HELL???

Number of tournaments entered: 5
Number of tournaments destroyed: 3
Number of tournaments where he couldn't get his HEAD out of his ASS long enough to hit the GOLF BALL: 1

I don't like this. I don't like this one bit.

Wormius · Post by **Wormius** » Sun Mar 30, 2003 7:44 pm

I though think the Tigercast is still more informitive than the Lovecast.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Mar 30, 2003 7:59 pm

Shit, I owe somebody a dollar.

Hey, Pinner, do you ever see Clash any longer? I owe him a dollar for his correct guess on how many Russians died at Checyanya.

asscast · Post by **asscast** » Sun Mar 30, 2003 8:02 pm

i farted

k. roo · Post by **k. roo** » Sun Mar 30, 2003 8:17 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I owe him a dollar for his correct guess on how many Russians died at Checyanya.

Wait... Russians died?

AW-RITE!