Can I borrow a pizza cutter from someone? Anyone.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

ANYONE

[Tdarcos]

ANYONE

What about all those pizza cutters you were forced to buy at those pseudo-Amway, Tupperware wannabe shows?

I have a pizza cutter which cost $1 at a dollar store; if I bought a new one and mailed it to you, it would probably cost more than $1 to ship it to you. Retail mail is very expensive; wholesale shipping in bulk is very inexpensive; container ships move stuff from China to the west coast for net $3,000 for a 20 foot container ($1500 to ship, $1000 for customs and duties, $500 insurance and misc overhead), which if it contains, say 15 tons of merch, is $100 a ton or 2c a pound. Compare that to 45c an ounce to mail something.

If we did want to do this, is this the correct address:

Robb Sherwin
1610 Westbridge Dr 45-H
Fort Collins, Colorado 80526

At least, that's what whois shows for this domain.

[pinback]

We got one from ThinkGeek shaped like the Enterprise, with the saucer section being the cutter. The first time I grabbed it by the warp nacelles and attempted to cut the pie, I sliced a one-inch gauge in my forefinger.

More of a conversation piece than an actual kitchen instrument.

[RealNC]

You don't need a pizza cutter. You can fold the pizza in two and it becomes a sandwich.

[Turing Test]

ANYONE

What about all those pizza cutters you were forced to buy at those pseudo-Amway, Tupperware wannabe shows?

I have a pizza cutter which cost $1 at a dollar store; if I bought a new one and mailed it to you, it would probably cost more than $1 to ship it to you. Retail mail is very expensive; wholesale shipping in bulk is very inexpensive; container ships move stuff from China to the west coast for net $3,000 for a 20 foot container ($1500 to ship, $1000 for customs and duties, $500 insurance and misc overhead), which if it contains, say 15 tons of merch, is $100 a ton or 2c a pound. Compare that to 45c an ounce to mail something.

If we did want to do this, is this the correct address:

Robb Sherwin
1610 Westbridge Dr 45-H
Fort Collins, Colorado 80526

At least, that's what whois shows for this domain.

You fail again commander. Looking up shit on the internet and putting in a post is not interesting human communication. Fail.

[Tdarcos]

You fail again commander. Looking up shit on the internet and putting in a post is not interesting human communication. Fail.

And what makes you think I give so much as a shit what you think? Your post is rejected and is returned as less-than-worthless and is fully floccinociniliphiliphated.

[Flack]

Robb is referring to this:



(Short version: I got tired of never being able to find a goddamn pizza cutter in this house and so I went to the Dollar Store, bought all they had, and posted about it on Facebook.)

Longer version: Allow me to explain.

When I was a kid, we ate a lot of frozen pizzas but never had a pizza cutter. Instead, we had "pizza scissors.' I don't know if they really sell pizza scissors or if these were originally designed to serve as such; maybe they were garden shears, who knows.

About ten years ago, I attended a Pampered Chef party. The most inexpensive thing in the catalog to buy was a pizza cutter! We bought it (I think it was $7.99) and I loved it. Shortly afterwards, it went missing. I don't know how a pizza cutter goes missing. It's not like you use it for anything other than cutting pizzas, and it's not an item most people would lend out. So, it was back to ghetto pizza scissors.

(I don't mean pizza scissors inherently are ghetto; the pair I owned, literally, I bought in the ghetto.)

A few years ago I bought another pizza cutter. We've been using it regularly, or so I thought. My wife is out of town this week, and for dinner last night, I baked a frozen pizza for the kids. When I went to cut it ... I couldn't find the pizza cutter. When I asked the kids, they said they had no idea what I was talking about and have never heard of one. I made a funny comment on Facebook about it, and then went rummaging around in the other drawers to find a kitchen knife with which to crudely saw the Red Baron pie into pieces like a barbarian.

But later that evening, I thought to myself ... self? You have money, friend. I have money sitting around that I am looking for ways to spend. From my arcade game mass exodus I have $3k sitting right here. I am not a person without means. I am not a person who should be forced to live without cutlery. I am not in the 99%, folks. Wait, maybe I am. I guess it depends if 99% of Americans have pizza cutters or not. (I'm sure Tdarcos will Google it for us.) Point being, I've got cash in my pocket. I deserve to own a pizza cutter.

I put my kids into the car and drove to the Dollar General to buy a pizza cutter. But you know what? I've bought pizza cutters before, and somehow they get lost. And this is America, goddammit. So instead, I bought all the pizza cutters they had. They had 8. I bought 8.

The kitchen in our new house is kind of large. There are several drawers, but rule out the ones for pot holders and the junk drawer and the silverware drawer and that leaves 4 drawers. So now, every drawer that could possibly hold a pizza cutter has 2. Think about it. One could get lost, one could get loaned out, one could break, and one could be in the sink ... and I'd still have four to choose from.

So for now, the problem has been solved. I can't take three steps right now in the kitchen after seeing a pizza cutter. In my fridge right now I have 2 pizzas left, which means I have a 4:1 ratio of pizza cutters to pizzas.

All of this for $8! You can spend $8 at Taco Bell without trying too terribly hard. $8 is nothing compared to the enjoyment of knowing that no matter where I go, a pizza cutter will be there.

[Flack]

I recently picked up another 28 pizza cutters, so I'm pretty well covered for the time being.

[Tdarcos]

I recently picked up another 28 pizza cutters, so I'm pretty well covered for the time being.

What the fuck do you need 28 pizza cutters for? You planning to open a Papa John's franchise or something? And is this a joke or do you seriously mean to say you have twenty-eight pizza cutters at home?

[Flack]

I do not have 28 pizza cutters in my kitchen.

I have the 8 original pizza cutters I purchased plus 28 additional pizza cutters for a total of 36 pizza cutters.

This is not a joke.

I don't need 36 pizza cutters any more than we need cars that go faster than the speed limit or reality television. To paraphrase Descartes, "I could, therefore I did."

[pinback]

Can I interview you about your pizza cutters on the next Don Rogers Show?

[Tdarcos]

Can I interview you about your pizza cutters on the next Don Rogers Show?

Knowing you, you'd probably stick him with noise overbearing what he says, or cut him off.

[Tdarcos]

I don't need 36 pizza cutters any more than we need cars that go faster than the sound limit on reality television.

Customer: Is this car fast?
Salesman: Fast? It's so fast that if you pick up a woman, it'll blow her clothes off for you!

[pinback]

Someone else post the Family Guy clip, I'm too tired.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

[youtube][/youtube]

[Flack]

Can I interview you about your pizza cutters on the next Don Rogers Show?

If you have a pizza delivered to me first. That seems to be the going rate. If you can, order it uncut ("Jewish-style") and I'll do the honors when it arrives.

[pinback]

DEAL!

[bruce]

I'm really confused. Isn't uncut Gentile-style?

[Flack]

It's not so "gentile" when you're the receiver!

OOOH! /Diceman

[Flack]

Tonight Susan and this kids made little mini-pizzas for everyone for dinner. Everybody got two. After they were delivered, I went to the kitchen and got two pizza cutters for everybody, one per pizza. Susan was not amused.