2011 Fantasy Football: I'm Already Doomed

[gsdgsd]

I did this last year, so why not. My 2011 draft in the Alliance of Evil (motto: "FUKK YOU ROBB YOU SUCK"). I chose fourth, not that it did me any good.

#1 -- Jamaal Charles, RB, Kansas City -- everyone and their brother said that with Chris Johnson holding out, Charles became a top three pick. Someone ahead of me took Ray Rice so Charles fell to me -- I might have been happier with Rice. Of course, Johnson signed right after our draft finished, so there's that.

#2 -- Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis -- hahaha fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

#3 -- Vincent Jackson, WR, San Diego -- one of the best WRs available at the time, I guess, though I was immediately struck with buyer's remorse over not grabbing Mike Wallace instead. I'm always leery of picking up Chargers, but that stems purely from my white-hot hatred for Philly Rivers.

#4 -- Jason Witten, TE, Dallas -- I've never had a tight end do anything of note for me, so maybe Witten can change that.

#5 -- Mark Ingram, RB, New Orleans -- he got talked up a lot considering that he plays for the Saints, where they spread things out so much that anyone other than Brees is a bit of a risk. I bought into the hype! It wouldn't be the last time, either.

#6 -- Steve Johnson, WR, Buffalo -- somehow I ended up getting Johnson in all three of the leagues that I'm in this year. He's the receiver that blamed God for making him drop a pass last year, making him a good fit for ol' secular me. Unfortunately, he plays for Buffalo, so he will accumulate zero points this year.

#7 -- Fred Jackson, RB, Buffalo -- oh, look, another Bill. This will be a long season. Doesn't it feel like Jackson's been with Buffalo since about 1979 at this point?

#8 -- Sidney Rice, WR, Seattle -- I had one rule going into this draft: don't take any receivers on the Seahawks or Dolphins. Whoops. Maybe Tavaris Jackson will finally live up to the great things I predicted for him that one time when I was drunk.

#9 -- Eli Manning, QB, New York Giants -- I figured that with his older brother doubtful for the start of the season, I better get a backup fairly early. I took Eli over several options that likely would have been better. No idea why. Panic? Stupidity?

#10 -- Clay Matthews, LB, Green Bay -- Sure, why not? I tend to have decent luck with defensive players. I hope that continues as they may be producing all of my points this year.

#11 -- London Fletcher, LB, Washington -- Ditto. I think I've had Fletcher on about three of my past teams. I also think he's about my age, so he might die midseason.

#12 -- Malcom Floyd, WR, San Diego -- Actually perhaps a savvy pick at this point of the draft. I'm really bothered by the lack of a second "L" in his first name, though.

#13 -- Isaac Redman, RB, Pittsburgh -- Another decent pick -- too bad they all came late in the draft. Redman will serve me well if Rashard Mendenhall gets injured/fumbles too much/retires to devote his life to finding out the truth about 9/11.

#14 -- Jacoby Ford, WR, Oakland -- Picked solely on CBS's statement that he's a threat to score any time he touches the ball -- I couldn't pick any current Raiders out of a police lineup. He burned my Broncos pretty badly in Madden last night, too.

#15 -- Davone Bess, WR, Miami -- see Sidney Rice pick. At least at this level it's just a flyer anyhow. I'm sure Miami's #2 wide receiver will come in handy a lot this year. (prediction: some time this year I'll lose a game because I didn't start Davone Bess)

#16 -- Antoine Winfield, DB, Minnesota -- Another one coming back for an encore. I have good memories of Winfield, but don't know how he's fared lately -- if he's had an arm removed, I may have to drop him.

#17 -- Jacquizz Rodgers, RB, Atlanta -- Peter King of Sports Illustrated picked him as a "dark horse" for Rookie of the Year, so I took him, even though I can't stand Peter King.

#18 -- Alex Henery, K, Philadelphia -- We still need kickers, right? (checks) Ok, good pick!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I'll post the entire draft chat if I can. Also my team. Here were my picks by round. 12 team league.

1. Chris Johnson, HB, Tennessee
He was holding out at the time, so I got him at #6. I liked that he was tweeting angrily at people. Such passion! I'd tweet angry if I had enough followers to support it.

2. Steven Jackson, HB, St. Louis
Some blogger wrote something snotty like, "And if you fuck up, you'll get Steven Jackson in the second." That guy can go fuck himself, I felt I got good value here.

3. Matt Schaub, QB, Houston
Last quarterback left that I was interested in. For the record, Rodgers went at 1.8, Vick at 1.9, Brees at 1.10, Brady at 2.1, Rivers at 2.6, Peyton at 2.9. It was either Schaub or it was gonna get ugly.

4. DeSean Jackson, WR, Philadelphia
I needed a WR and everyone knows the Eagles are gonna win the Super Bowl like the Redskins do in the off-season each year.

5. I resisted taking Reggie Bush. Congrats, Blizz. I took Dwayne Bowe, WR for the Chiefs instead.

6. Reggie Bush, HB, Miami
Well, I'm only human.

7. Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans
This was the longest I've gone without taking a Saint since the Ditka years. I can't say his last name without hearing it in the voice of the Dead Alewives guy who goes, "AND GRAHAM!" to his girlfriend.

8. Willis McGahee, HB, Denver
I hate this guy but I think he's gonna get a lot of carries for the Broncos, because Knowshon Moreno (who went at 3.11!) is terrible and irredeemable. I am saying that he can not be redeemed. Fuck you, McGahee, I hope I never have to play you.

9. Danny Woodhead, HB, New England
At this point I just wanted a few halfbacks because I had guys on collision courses for bye weeks. I don't know why I bother trusting a player in the Pats' offense that isn't Brady, but whatever.

10. Johnny Knox, WR, Chicago
I had never heard of this guy. So look, I used to spend ALL of Saturday and Sunday watching the draft. Then I stopped doing it. Then the a-hole commish in Goodell moved it to Thursday night. I WORK Thursday nights, you motherfucker! I really needed those two days to become familiar with college players. To compensate, I joined a college fantasy football league, where I lose by a lot of points every year. To understand how bad I am at this, Ohio State had like a dozen players suspended for this college season because they did the exact same thing every other D1 athlete does. I not only picked a running back from Ohio State who was suspended, I somehow started him. He got me zero points. Because he was, yes, on suspension. Christ.

11. Michael Crabtree, WR, San Francisco
Does holding out ever work for a rookie? I can't think of a single rookie who held out and played well. Cornelius Bennett? I expect Crabtree to be awful this year for my fantasy team, to where the 49ers would trade him up for Shane Conlan and Eric Dickerson, current versions.

12. Kyle Orton, QB, Denver
Nobody trusts Bronco players this year! I felt this was a good value pick until someone shows a clock to him that reads less than two minutes and he goes into the fetal position while driving or something and Quinn has to start. Actually, I bet all the things we think about Orton aren't true. I remember reading something that said that he was better in the red zone than not, which goes opposite to what every single person and most dogs says about him. Never trust football fans on anything statistics-related.

13. Nate Kaeding, K, San Diego
I ... well, who's going to stop the Chargers this year?

14. Cadillac Williams, backup HB, St. Louis
I took him so I could "handcuff" him with Steven Jackson. I'm not trying to say they aren't good-looking men, but that's the unsexiest use of a pair of handcuffs in human history. That's the term people use, though, I swear! Not my idea!

15. Yeremiah Bell, DB, Miami
Shit, I thought he was a linebacker. Crap. Whatever, we play with individual defensive players because playing with team defense is stupid. I may have auto-picked this gentleman?

16. Mario Williams, LB, Houston
I thought he played defensive end. I just thought he'd get four sacks in the opener against Indy, seeing how Indy hasn't bothered to take a real backup quarterback since Peyton was drafted, and now Peyton won't start. Seriously, how do you not develop a competent backup if you are the Colts?? Chase Daniels looks OK in pre-season games for the Saints. I'm sure he'd be terrible if he had to start, but at least they are trying. Maybe Kerry Collins spent the entire off-season doing evasive quick sprints and I will be proven to be the asshole. Maybe Mario will get ten sacks instead of four. To tell you the truth, I just enjoyed drafting him after Reggie Bush. As it should be!!

17. One Of The Four Mike Williams In The NFL, ??, ?????
Not sure which one I got

18. Kirk Morrison, LB, Buffalo
Alex Anthopolous should run this Toronto-based team as well. Morrison would be showcased and traded with some special teams guys to the Rams for Jake Long, somehow involving some shitty Bears players as well. Nevermind, I was trying to make a St. Louis Cardinals / Colby Rasmus crack but this is awkward and I feel I failed you all tonight, friends.

Wooo football!

[gsdgsd]

A few early notes: Mark Ingram ran for 40 yards this week. Clay Matthews got one tackle. I'm playing against the guy who owns Aaron Rodgers. And I'm now choosing between Eli "The Lesser" Manning and Alex Smith of San Francisco, a team that hasn't scored a touchdown since 2002.

"Doomed" is not a strong enough word for how hosed I am.

3. Matt Schaub, QB, Houston
Last quarterback left that I was interested in. For the record, Rodgers went at 1.8, Vick at 1.9, Brees at 1.10, Brady at 2.1, Rivers at 2.6, Peyton at 2.9. It was either Schaub or it was gonna get ugly.

I thought about letting Peyton pass, waiting for the draft to snake, and picking Schaub in the third round. I scrapped that because I thought that Peyton AND Schaub might go before it got back to me. In retrospect I really wish I'd done that.

(confidential to Sherwin, R.: I will trade you Peyton Manning for Matt Schaub STRAIGHT UP. Call it the Fodge remembrance deal)

6. Reggie Bush, HB, Miami
Well, I'm only human.

Few things in that draft made me as happy as seeing you take Reggie.

8. Willis McGahee, HB, Denver
I hate this guy but I think he's gonna get a lot of carries for the Broncos, because Knowshon Moreno (who went at 3.11!) is terrible and irredeemable. I am saying that he can not be redeemed. Fuck you, McGahee, I hope I never have to play you.

It's beyond me why Knowshon suddenly became a fashionable pick this year -- everyone's got him tabbed for a breakout year, but the guy's Peter Forsberg-level fragile and he's playing for an awful team. I mean, I hope it happens, but it won't.

It blows my mind that McGahee's only 30 -- I keep thinking that he played for the Bills back when Jim Kelly was quarterback.

I not only picked a running back from Ohio State who was suspended, I somehow started him. He got me zero points. Because he was, yes, on suspension. Christ.

This made me feel a little bit better about my first AOE draft, when I a) took Matt Hasselbeck in the first round and b) picked some Bengals player who was suspended for half the season (I can't remember which, because the NFL automatically suspends half the Bengals each summer, just on reflex).

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I put up like 62 points. So unless Reggie Bush scores 70 points, it ain't looking good.

I'll just catch the game tomorrow night and - OH FUCKING RIGHT, they decided to have two fucking Monday Night Games, and one starts at fucking 5:00 PM my time. GOODELL, YOU MISERABLE FUCK, I WORK NIGHTS. I ALSO WORK DAYS. This motherfucker should be forced to work until 6 or 7 some fucking night just to see what it's like. God, he is the worst goddamn commissioner in any sport in any league in any country in any lifetime. HERPP DERPO if the peeps like one mnf game they'll like 2 even more!

Why not three MNF games?? Why not four? Why not play ALL THE GAMES at the SAME TIME on Monday???

GOOOOODDDD the NFL is SOOOOOOO sorry.

Ahem.

At least I get Raiders vs Broncos in prime time for my time zone. Wooo Kyle Orton vs Bruce Gradkowski!*

* I know that Bruce Gradkowski is no longer with the Raiders, but honestly, he might as well be.

[gsdgsd]

Unfortunately, he plays for Buffalo, so he will accumulate zero points this year.

oh, look, another Bill. This will be a long season.

Three weeks in and Buffalo's players are all that's keeping me afloat.

[Bugs]

I haven't even touched my ffb teams since week one. With my favorite team, the Bills, finally winning, I no longer need to bother hitching my wagon to other random players' success. Watching this team is way too much fun!

[gsdgsd]

Maybe I'll pick them up too. What the hell, I'm already a Broncos and Buccaneers fan -- I'll just expand that to "all teams whose names begin with 'B'"