[REVIEW] The Human Centipede

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:01 pm

If insomnia is your problem, The Human Centipede is not the answer.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:13 pm

My local Blockbuster is always rented out! NO SPOILERS PLZ

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:46 pm

Alright then -- here is a spoiler-free review.

The Human Centipede is equal parts Texas Chainsaw Massacre and, perhaps, Psycho. Replace Leatherface with Josef Mengele, and you have a pretty good idea of what's in store. Whether it was for stylistic or financial reasons, most of the gore takes place off-screen. For that matter, essentially the entire film takes place in one central location -- again, if that's to add a claustrophobic feel or simply due to a small budget, I could not say.

If you're looking for any comment about society, or a happy story, or anything like that, pass it by. If you're looking for a film where (doing the math here) 85% of the people don't have a happy ending and you simply MUST know how a Human Centipede would be made ... this is the film for you.

RealityCheck · Post by **RealityCheck** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:06 pm

Do not watch this movie under any circumstances. Seriously.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:35 pm

RealityCheck wrote:Do not watch this movie under any circumstances. Seriously.

Oh, I'm gonna watch this movie. Under some circumstances.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 3:02 am

Just for the information.... what kind of footwear does the Human Centipede use?

THE
LOTTA HUSH PUPPIES
AARDVARK

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:05 am

Boy, being spoiler-free is hard.

Um, members of the Human Centipede don't wear shoes.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:20 pm

Okay, I have now watched it, so we can commence with spoilers! Here is my review:

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE: Actually, better than I was expecting. Surprisingly, though the premise is among the most grotesque and nauseating ever conceived, the movie is, can we say, a relatively reserved depiction of such a premise, if there ever could be such reservation.

As soon as you hear the premise, one word comes to your mind: POO. So, talk about reserved, though POO is referenced once or twice (once to appropriately nausea-inducing effect), not one speck of the brown stuff stains a single frame of this movie! It's true, most of the gross-out factor is in your mind, and probably has already taken place if you already know what it's about, regardless of whether you saw it or not.

The other thing to recommend the film is DIETER LASER, the mad scientist, who has the best real-life name ever, AND is either a great actor who nails the "mad scientist" part, or is SUCH a bad actor that he wraps around the acting scale and accidentally nails the "mad scientist" part. And believe me, this is a great, great mad scientist. Emphasis on the "mad". There's no pretext that he's some great thinker who's methods have just become unsound. It's clear from minute one that this dude is just 150%, totally, completely, batshit fucking lunatic. I like that in a mad scientist.

Anyhow, it was better than I thought it would be, but as I thought it was going to be the worst movie ever, it accomplishes this mainly by not having any particularly self-destructive missteps. It does what it says. Great film? No. An occasional redeeming quality? Yes. Totally fucking bizarre? You bet!

TWO (**) AND A HALF (1/2) STARS.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:21 pm

Flack wrote:If you're looking for a film where (doing the math here) 85% of the people don't have a happy ending

I think your math is off by 15%.

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 3:05 pm

Well okay, NOBODY in the movie has a "happy ending" and few people who watch it do either (heh), but technically at the end of the movie, the middle segment of the centipede is still alive.

So, here's my theory. I don't think two cops can get a search warrant without filing some paperwork in the court. I would think that (at least) a judge and (hopefully) some of their fellow cops know where those two dudes went. And when they don't show up for dinner, hopefully someone will go check on them and find ... everything.

So, my hope for "middle segment" is that someone found her and was able to save her before she died. I don't know how long one can live on a poo-only diet, but hopefully she makes it a few more hours and someone finds her. That's my hope, anyway.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:05 pm

Flack wrote:So, my hope for "middle segment" is that someone found her and was able to save her before she died. I don't know how long one can live on a poo-only diet, but hopefully she makes it a few more hours and someone finds her. That's my hope, anyway.

Well, thankfully, you won't have long to find out!!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:41 pm

I did not care for it as much as you guys did. However, I didn't know that I was expected to watch it with sub-titles on until halfway through. I am really, really sick of movies with bits done in languages other than English. I am really, really sick of the trick Tarantino pulled in Inglorious Bastards* where, hee hee, the cast speaks in French and German and I am expected to sit there like an asshole, happy for the entertainment. Never again. Never again! I will never watch a movie, again, that isn't 100% in English or sub-titled.

*Seriously, how do you misspell the name of your movie and not explain why in the movie? What a piece of shit. I really fucking hate his movies and the way he directs them.

<---------------------- GUY WHO HATES TARANTINO

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:51 pm

lol jonsey never understands whats going on...

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:17 am

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:04 am

Come on now, if you're going to post a screenshot, you have to link to the game:

Like so.

Flack · Post by **Flack** » Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:49 am

I knew you would solve the mystery, just like Detectives Kranz and Voller.