FUCK YOU LEFTY: The TigerCast 2K9 Thread

[bruce]

That was a typographical error.

You can't trust those fucking drunkard typesetters anymore, can you?

Faithless swine, every one.

Bruce

[pinback]

Please do not attempt to submarine the only thread left on this BBS that doesn't involve politics, the iPhone, or Twitter, the three things people hate most.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

THAT is my prediction.

I hope you understand that it is purely in the spirit of friendship and good-spirited debate that I tell you that that is an idiotic prediction. Or rather, it might have some merit, but your sense of scale is way off.

I understand completely. And because we are friends, I am not going to Twitter about this conversation on my iPhone.

Fucking Socialists!

Tennis' "all-time great" is replaced seemingly every 5-10 years or so. I'm not a tennis expert by any means, but even in the time I've been alive, I'm sure there have been at least 4 or 5 "new greatest of all times". Borg? Lendl? Sampras? Federer? Maybe Nadal now? I'm sure I'm missing a few. This is natural in a more purely athletic endeavor like tennis. People are getting stronger and faster.

Sure. It also has a pool of players that includes EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. If black guys are kept out of ... tennis clubs or whatever, then it's a scandal I haven't heard anything about.

But golf can be played by giant alcoholic fat people smoking a pack of Camel Lights as they trundle down the first fairway. The game relies far more on mental toughness and pure dedication than physical prowess.

Yeah, but seriously, if you could name a single African-American golfer who was any good before Woods, then you're a better man than I. Is there any more racist sport than fucking golf out there? They hate black people! And women! I don't mean on the tour, but just in terms of getting into clubs and shit like that. BLACK GUY had better things to do with his fucking time than bother with golf, until recently.

The "best player ever" in golf has not changed since before I was born. Ever since Jack stepped onto the course, it's been Jack.

Sure.

Tiger, in an age with a way bigger pool of talent, driven by money and ambition, is eclipsing everything Jack ever did, by a wide margin, and quicker. But it took 40 years for him to come along. Every time (all two or three times?) the torch has been passed, it took longer.

Oh. Wait. Maybe we are talking about two different things.

So yeah, will Tiger be eclipsed? Maybe. But it's going to take a long, long, LONG time, and human civilization will likely have collapsed far enough by that time that most golf courses will have been converted to shantytowns.

Well, sure - but that helps me. When golf courses are turned into tent cities, that's going to let a lot of minorities experience the sport of... princes[Citation Needed] who - wait, scrub the "who," the homeless ain't people - which might not otherwise get a chance to LOOK FUCK THIS

[pinback]

Oh. Wait. Maybe we are talking about two different things.

What are we talking about? I thought your point was that golf will do okay post-Tiger because another Best Player Ever will be coming right around the bend.

My point is: no.

This is what I thought we were talking about.

[bruce]

Oh. Wait. Maybe we are talking about two different things.

What are we talking about? I thought your point was that golf will do okay post-Tiger because another Best Player Ever will be coming right around the bend.

My point is: no.

This is what I thought we were talking about.

Maybe if golf would get with the fucking program, like a real sport, and start insisting its stars juiced up on steroids and crystal meth so they could drive a ball 700 yards and then bite the FUCKING HEAD OFF SOMEONE ELSE'S CADDY, then we'd have a steady stream of NEW GREATEST PLAYER EVER PLEASE DON'T HURT ME AAAAAARGH!

Bruce

[pinback]

Here's the thing about Tiger Woods: Nobody argues about it anymore.

There was a time, if you can believe it, that there was such a thing as the "Big Four" of golf. They were:

Tiger Woods
Phil Mickelson
Vijay Singh
Ernie Els

These were the heavyweights, and even though Tiger was winning more than his share, the others would bristle at the fact that Eldrick was always getting more press, more credit, more money, more LUV, more whatever. They were the Big Four, and they all wanted the same respect, and they all thought that if they tried hard enough, it wouldn't always be Tiger at the top of the hearts-and-minds list. They all thought they had a chance.

For a year or two, even, it was the Big Five -- The above, plus Retief Goosen.

This was not that long ago. In fact, this was AFTER the Tiger Slam, AFTER Tiger had begun to really start tearing into some records that had long been thought unsinkable. Even after all that, there was still a Big Four, or a Big Five, or even a Big Two, once Mickelson became the clear, consistent almost-front-runner.

But just as recently as a year ago, maybe two, all of that seemingly just stopped.

Not just among the writers, always prone to hyperbole and wanting to write breathless columns (like this one) about the next coming of the Lord -- that had been going on since before he fired shot one as a professional, somewhere in Milwaukee.

No, by this time, it had even stopped among his peers. A couple of semi-famous maniacs (I'm looking at you here, Ian Poulter) would occasionally find themselves in front of a camera and say hey, I'ma be #1 soon, and they'd take it as seriously as if I'd said it. But you never heard it from anyone from yesteryear's Big Four, Big Five, Big Anybody.

One day, they just stopped.

One day, after too many second-place finishes to Tigs, Els stopped thinking his Big Easy swing would carry him to the promised land.

One day, no matter how many "Tiger Who?" caps his caddy wore, Vijay realized there was no point.

One day, after one too many oh-so-sincere, smugly self-aggrandizing smiles into the camera, Phil just gave up the dream, realizing being a legitimate, or anywhere close to legitimate #1 was not to be, in his lifetime.

Now, nobody that matters in the sport even bothers trying. They are a generation of professional golfers subdued into being satisfied with million dollar purses, Rich-and-Famous lifestyles, and always being known as "one of the other ones".

Not a bad life. And certainly a more honest one, now that they've given up the dream, one that was destined never to be theirs, once Earl and Kultida Woods hooked up that one fateful, sweaty night, and nine-plus-six months later when the baby held a cut-off iron in his hand and tried to emulate his father's swing.

Nowadays, when he shows up, even if they put up a good front in the press room, behind their eyes they're bowing down, and showing a begrudging, defeated respect.

The smart ones -- the ones with some dignity, and perspective, and humor -- add in a little admiration. This is why Rocco Mediate at last year's U.S. Open was such a wonderful story. This was a great guy, with humor and wit and joy about him, and he knew he wasn't supposed to win, and that's why it was so great that he almost did.

The night before the playoff, while answering reporters' questions in the press room, somewhere off-screen Tiger walked in to prep for his own session with the microphones.

Rocco noticed, looked up, pointed to him faux-menacingly and said, "Hear that, pal? I'm comin' for ya." Then motioned to the press and added, "See, he's scared of me."

Rocco got it. You can't come for him. You can't scare him. The best you can do is make him, and the rest of us, laugh at your predicament.

Finally, everyone is coming around to that.

Game over.

[bruce]

I eagerly await Tigercast 2k9's take on the news that Lefty is dropping from the PGA tour for the rest of the season because his wife has breast cancer.

Bruce

[pinback]

We here at TigerCast2K9 wish to express our sympathy to the Mickelson family and wishes of hope for Amy's recovery.

We would also say that we will miss Phil on the TOUR since Tiger's upcoming major wins at the US Open, British, and PGA will be less sweet not having to beat him, but we here at TigerCast2K9 are resigned to the fact that Tiger will finish T12, T8, and 3rd at those tournaments, respectively.

[AArdvark]

Would it be safe to lump Tiger in with names like, say, Gretzky, Ripkin, Ashe, Rice or.....Damn, I can't come up with a soccer player.

Anyway one of those long long timers? Has Tiger gone into that league yet?



THE
HOUSEHOLD
AARDVARK

[pinback]

What grouping is that?

Best to ever play their particular sport? Yes (although, Ripken and Ashe don't belong in that group.)

Players you refer to by one name? Yes (though he's been in that group for years)

Needle-nosed whiners? No (take THAT, Gretzky!)

Black guys dying of AIDS? No (take THAT, Ashe and Rice!)

What group is this?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Wait, which Rice?

Jim Rice? Jim Rice is an above-average player that got into the baseball hall of fame because people hate steroids so much, EVEN THOUGH they weren't against the rules when Mark McGwire was using them.

Simeon Rice? I believe Simeon Rice was on Friendly Fire's side when it came to the death of Pat Tillman.

The college Rice? Basmati Rice?? Please, elucidate your rice, Vark!

[bruce]

Would it be safe to lump Tiger in with names like, say, Gretzky, Ripkin, Ashe, Rice or.....Damn, I can't come up with a soccer player.

Pele?

Probably some accents on those "e"s.

And people say the Atari never taught me anything.

Bruce

[AArdvark]

Jerry Rice who played for the 49ers for like forever.

It's the longevity list I was going for. These names are from people who played their particular sport long enough for the announcers to refer to them in a phrase like: 'The Gretsky era'

or 'back in the Ripkin era, players didn't eat steroid tablets like M&Ms'

So could Tiger be in that list even though He's still playing?

Maybe pre-Tiger and post-Tiger.


THE
GOLFER GOLFER
BURNING BRIGHT
AARDVARK

[pinback]

Yes, "the Tiger era", "pre-Tiger", and "post-Tiger era" are all terms in heavy rotation in the golf announcing world.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Oh, right, Jerry Rice. I should have remembered him.

I will posit that Jerry Rice ran up the yardage on some truly terrible Saints, Rams and Falcons teams. Has anyone played in a division with worse competition?

[TigerCast 2K9]

we here at TigerCast2K9 are resigned to the fact that Tiger will finish T12, T8, and 3rd at those tournaments [US Open, British, Page], respectively.

We here at TigerCast2K9 are smug, but not happy, to report that thusfar our predictions have been on the conservative side. Tiger finished 6th in the US Open, well ahead of the T12 we predicted.

This does not make us happy. Nor will it make us happy when Tiger once again outdoes our expectations and finishes in a tie for fourth at the British in two weeks.

None of this makes us happy.

The fact that, playing half the tournaments the rest of his competitors have, he is already atop the money rankings and the Fedex Cup standings for the years, does make us somewhat happy.

NOT HAPPY ENOUGH, though.

C'mon Nigs. Turnberry. Two weeks. Get this shit done.

NOT-FUN TIGER FAX: The first two majors of the year, Tiger won the tournament he played previously. HE FAILED TO WIN THEM. And now he has won the AT&T National, his last tourney before the British. THIS IS NOT A FUN TREND.

[TigerCast 2K9]

Also, we here at TigerCast 2K9 reserve the right to call him "Nigs" when we want, since we are obviously his biggest fan and not racist at all, and so that term is used whimsically for comedic effect, both here, and in real life, when we are watching him on TV.