Well, it's the third "major" of the year, and the first "major" without Tiger Woods since 1996. Many fine golfers will be competing for this "major", but really, what are they playing for? A trophy that says they beat a bunch of second-rate players? Good for you. Way to go on winning your "major".
Since Tiger's not in this, we are going to do something a little different. The rest of this PGA season is now about seeing whether or not Tiger can still win the Player of the Year award.
This would be a ridiculous accomplishment since he will have only played in SIX (6) tournaments the entire year, but is still very possible, since he won FOUR (4) of them, still more than anyone else, and one of those four was the greatest Major victory in golf history.
So let's take a look at who is left in the field who can even threaten to wrest the award from Tigs by the end of the year:
Anthony Kim (2 wins, 0 majors): Haven't you heard? Tiger is old news! The old man had a good run, but it's time for him to step aside and let the new crop of golf geniuses break all his records! And that crop consists of one man, Anthony Kim! A brash young punk who is here to kick ass and take names! The new Tiger, except way better! Like Vijay's caddy said, TIGER WHO? It's Anthony Kim's world now! Why, he's even won TWO WHOLE TOURNAMENTS this year, wearing idiotic-looking belt buckles! BEST GOLFER EVER! Yeah. Well, he would need a major victory, and possibly another regular tour win this year to win the award. He's currently tied for 19th in the first round of the British, so he's in contention. And he is very good. My focus for this British is, instead of rooting for Tiger, rooting very strongly AGAINST Anthony Kim. Join me, won't you? THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
Kenny Perry (3 wins, 0 majors): He has won 3 out of his last 5 tournaments! All he'd need is a major and he'd probably win the award! Let's see how he's doing... oh wait, that's right, HE'S NOT EVEN PLAYING IN THE BRITISH, in the dumbest move I've ever seen a professional golfer man since Rory said Tiger looked more beatable than ever. He can win every other tournament the rest of the year, but without a major, I just don't see him winning the award. Maybe he'll play the PGA Championship, though. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
Trevor Immelman (1 win, 1 major): If he wins another major, he'll win the award. Problem is, since his ridiculously improbably Masters win, he hasn't even been able to make the cut at a miniature golf course. Being on all those talk shows seems to have made him forget how to play. He's currently tied for 67th in the British. Watch how not worried I am. THREAT LEVEL: ZEE. ROW.
Phil Mickelson (2 wins, 0 majors): FUCK YOU LEFTY. All he'd need is another tour win and a major! How'd he do today? Ah, I see! NICE 79, LEFTY! You managed to break 80! Way to go! Tied for 123rd, don't give up!! HEE HEE! THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
Whoever Wins The British: If anyone can rip off the last two majors, they'll win. So whoever wins this one will have a shot at it at the PGA. I think the last person to win the last two majors of the year other than Tiger was like nobody. Or Jack Nicklaus or some old guy. Extreedingly unlikely. THREAT LEVEL: VERY LOW
Everyone Else: No chance.
So that's it, there's your competitors. Let's get an Anthony Kim update, since he's the best golfer of all time! OOPS! Down to a tie for 28th! What's the matter, KIMMIE???
That's it for this update. If I were you, I'd not even pay attention to the British, and just watch these three videos over and over and over and over:
The 2008 British Open Thread
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The 2008 British Open Thread
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British Open Update, Round 2, Part 1: THE CONTENDERS
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Let's first look at today's results with an eye toward the most important thing in the world, Tiger winning Player of the Year.
ANTHONY KIM: Shot a 74, to put him at +6, which in this tournament, is still only seven back, and tied for 27th, so still very much in contention. However, he's going in the right direcetion. (DOWN!)
PHIL MICKELSON: Son of a bitch shot a 69 to avoid missing the cut! He's still tied for 54th at +8, but at only 9 back, while unlikely, it's still not over for FUCK YOU LEFTY!
SERGIO GARCIA: I neglected to mention him yesterday, but he won the Player's this year which is worth like a half a major, so if he can win a real major, and maybe one other tournament, he has a shot at it. Widely expected to win this one, he stands tied for 21st, at +5, six shots back.
KENNY PERRY: STILL NOT PLAYING! Idiot.
TREVOR IMMELMAN: Tied with Phil at 9 back. Phil has a much better chance of making up this ground that Trevvy, so I'm ready to write him the fuck off!
So, still some threats from Kim and Sergio, but other than that, I like the way things are going!
British Open Update, Round 2, Part 2: THE BIG STORIES
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Besides all these Tiger stories, there are four stories brewing at this British, all of which are extremely unlikely to end triumphantly, but if ANY of them did, it would be a tremendously huge story, almost as big as Tiger's Open win. They are, in order of how big they would be:
BIG STORY #4: Rocco Mediate, tied for 5th, 3 back.. Everyman hero who went toe-to-toe with Tiger for 91 holes at the Open, held a share of the overnight lead after round 1, and still stands just two back in a tie for third. This would be the Feel Good Story Of The Universe for sports this year. Everyone should root for him, cuz he is an awesome guy, and if all golfers were like him, people wouldn't (rightfully) hate golfers as much as they do.
BIG STORY #3: David Duval, tied for 3rd, 2 back. One-time #1 player in the world, winner of the 2001 British Open, suffered an unbelievable collapse after that year, to the point where he literally couldn't break 80, anywhere, anytime. Something got in his head to the point where he simply could not play golf anymore. It was really kind of sad to see, and a little frightening to think that, no matter how good you are at something, even if you're the best in the world, something can just go wrong in your head and turn you into a novice nearly overnight. He has not been close to contending at any tournament since, though he has been playing more lately. For him to come back and win this one, though, would be absolutely astonishing.
BIG STORY #2: Jean Van de Velde, 5 back, tied for 16th. If you have ever even had the vaguest brush with following professional golf, and were asked "what is the biggest choke job in sports history", the words "Van de Velde" should instantly jump into your mind. At the 1999 British Open, he came to the last hole with a three stroke lead. All he had to do was not triple-bogey the hole. He could have (and later, in a promotional stunt, did) beat that score using just a putter. But he decided to finish in style, and what followed was one of the more memorable 20 minutes of televised golf, as he hit amazingly bad shot after amazingly bad shot, took off his shoes, climbed down into a rocky stream, basically took a scenic tour of the last hole, and had to make a ten-foot putt just to GET a triple bogey and get into a playoff, which he would then lose. 9 years later, to come back and finally finish the deal would be the ultimate in redemption, and probably even a more popular win than Rocco.
BIG STORY #1: Greg Norman (2nd place, 1 back). Greg Norman is 53 years old, and has over the last decade basically moved from golf to winemaking, running restaurants, and a bunch of other non-golf-related enterprises. 3 weeks ago he married Chris Evert, then went on a honeymoon. He basically rolled into town, a guy 20 years past his prime, with his clubs in his trunk, and just got out and started hitting it. Nicklaus' 86 Masters win at the age of 46 is by far considered the most legendary "old guy" performance in history. This would blast past that one so fast that Jack wouldn't even have time to wave at Norman as he sped by.
Four stories, all incredibly unlikely to come to fruition, but any of them would make the front page of every newspaper in the land.
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Let's first look at today's results with an eye toward the most important thing in the world, Tiger winning Player of the Year.
ANTHONY KIM: Shot a 74, to put him at +6, which in this tournament, is still only seven back, and tied for 27th, so still very much in contention. However, he's going in the right direcetion. (DOWN!)
PHIL MICKELSON: Son of a bitch shot a 69 to avoid missing the cut! He's still tied for 54th at +8, but at only 9 back, while unlikely, it's still not over for FUCK YOU LEFTY!
SERGIO GARCIA: I neglected to mention him yesterday, but he won the Player's this year which is worth like a half a major, so if he can win a real major, and maybe one other tournament, he has a shot at it. Widely expected to win this one, he stands tied for 21st, at +5, six shots back.
KENNY PERRY: STILL NOT PLAYING! Idiot.
TREVOR IMMELMAN: Tied with Phil at 9 back. Phil has a much better chance of making up this ground that Trevvy, so I'm ready to write him the fuck off!
So, still some threats from Kim and Sergio, but other than that, I like the way things are going!
British Open Update, Round 2, Part 2: THE BIG STORIES
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Besides all these Tiger stories, there are four stories brewing at this British, all of which are extremely unlikely to end triumphantly, but if ANY of them did, it would be a tremendously huge story, almost as big as Tiger's Open win. They are, in order of how big they would be:
BIG STORY #4: Rocco Mediate, tied for 5th, 3 back.. Everyman hero who went toe-to-toe with Tiger for 91 holes at the Open, held a share of the overnight lead after round 1, and still stands just two back in a tie for third. This would be the Feel Good Story Of The Universe for sports this year. Everyone should root for him, cuz he is an awesome guy, and if all golfers were like him, people wouldn't (rightfully) hate golfers as much as they do.
BIG STORY #3: David Duval, tied for 3rd, 2 back. One-time #1 player in the world, winner of the 2001 British Open, suffered an unbelievable collapse after that year, to the point where he literally couldn't break 80, anywhere, anytime. Something got in his head to the point where he simply could not play golf anymore. It was really kind of sad to see, and a little frightening to think that, no matter how good you are at something, even if you're the best in the world, something can just go wrong in your head and turn you into a novice nearly overnight. He has not been close to contending at any tournament since, though he has been playing more lately. For him to come back and win this one, though, would be absolutely astonishing.
BIG STORY #2: Jean Van de Velde, 5 back, tied for 16th. If you have ever even had the vaguest brush with following professional golf, and were asked "what is the biggest choke job in sports history", the words "Van de Velde" should instantly jump into your mind. At the 1999 British Open, he came to the last hole with a three stroke lead. All he had to do was not triple-bogey the hole. He could have (and later, in a promotional stunt, did) beat that score using just a putter. But he decided to finish in style, and what followed was one of the more memorable 20 minutes of televised golf, as he hit amazingly bad shot after amazingly bad shot, took off his shoes, climbed down into a rocky stream, basically took a scenic tour of the last hole, and had to make a ten-foot putt just to GET a triple bogey and get into a playoff, which he would then lose. 9 years later, to come back and finally finish the deal would be the ultimate in redemption, and probably even a more popular win than Rocco.
BIG STORY #1: Greg Norman (2nd place, 1 back). Greg Norman is 53 years old, and has over the last decade basically moved from golf to winemaking, running restaurants, and a bunch of other non-golf-related enterprises. 3 weeks ago he married Chris Evert, then went on a honeymoon. He basically rolled into town, a guy 20 years past his prime, with his clubs in his trunk, and just got out and started hitting it. Nicklaus' 86 Masters win at the age of 46 is by far considered the most legendary "old guy" performance in history. This would blast past that one so fast that Jack wouldn't even have time to wave at Norman as he sped by.
Four stories, all incredibly unlikely to come to fruition, but any of them would make the front page of every newspaper in the land.
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2008 British Open Update, Round 3, Part 1: THE CONTENDERS
Well, let's see how our ragtag bunch of douchebags trying to wrest away Tiger's Player of the Year award did today in 35 mile an hour winds!
LEFTY shot a 76, which puts him at +13, twelve shots back! STATUS: DONE!
TREVOR IMMELMAN shot a 73, a decent score on this incredibly difficult day. This means he's tied for 27th, which isn't TOO bad, until you see that being tied for 27th also means you're 9 shots back! STATUS: DONE!
KENNY PERRY: STILL NOT PLAYING! DUMBASS!
SERGIO GARCIA: Tied for 15th, seven shots back! STATUS: ALMOST CERTAINLY DONE!
ANTHONY KIM: Shot a 71, one of the best rounds of the day, which puts him in a tie for fifth, five shots back! Though it pains me to say this, it turns out he might actually be the real deal, finally some youngster tough enough to take on Eldrick. And though he's five shots back, being tied for fifth means you're definitely in contention, especially with another 25+ MPH wind day scheduled for tomorrow! STATUS: MOTHERFUCKER!
2008 British Open Update, Round 3, Part 2: THE BIG STORIES!
Let's see how our four BIG STORIES did today!
BIG STORY #4 (Rocco): Rocco had a bit of a struggle out there, shooting 76, which puts him six shots back. But again, that's still a tie for ninth, so while it's extremely unlikely, it's not out of the realm of possibility for it to happen. BIG STORY PROBABLY OVER.
BIG STORY #3 (David Duval): Shot an 83 today, the worst score of the day. BIG STORY OVER.
BIG STORY #2 (Jean Van de Velde): Shot an 80 today, the fourth worst score of the day. BIG STORY OVER.
HUMUNGOUS STORY #1 (Greg Norman): After three rounds, Greg Norman, at the age of 53, has a two-shot lead in the 2008 Open Championship. Remember how I said you should all watch the U.S. Open because of how historic it was gonna be? Well, even I, TigerCast 2K8, must admit that this would trump even that. So you all definitely need to get up at 6 AM eastern time, flip on TNT, and watch this shit.
Unbelievable!
Well, let's see how our ragtag bunch of douchebags trying to wrest away Tiger's Player of the Year award did today in 35 mile an hour winds!
LEFTY shot a 76, which puts him at +13, twelve shots back! STATUS: DONE!
TREVOR IMMELMAN shot a 73, a decent score on this incredibly difficult day. This means he's tied for 27th, which isn't TOO bad, until you see that being tied for 27th also means you're 9 shots back! STATUS: DONE!
KENNY PERRY: STILL NOT PLAYING! DUMBASS!
SERGIO GARCIA: Tied for 15th, seven shots back! STATUS: ALMOST CERTAINLY DONE!
ANTHONY KIM: Shot a 71, one of the best rounds of the day, which puts him in a tie for fifth, five shots back! Though it pains me to say this, it turns out he might actually be the real deal, finally some youngster tough enough to take on Eldrick. And though he's five shots back, being tied for fifth means you're definitely in contention, especially with another 25+ MPH wind day scheduled for tomorrow! STATUS: MOTHERFUCKER!
2008 British Open Update, Round 3, Part 2: THE BIG STORIES!
Let's see how our four BIG STORIES did today!
BIG STORY #4 (Rocco): Rocco had a bit of a struggle out there, shooting 76, which puts him six shots back. But again, that's still a tie for ninth, so while it's extremely unlikely, it's not out of the realm of possibility for it to happen. BIG STORY PROBABLY OVER.
BIG STORY #3 (David Duval): Shot an 83 today, the worst score of the day. BIG STORY OVER.
BIG STORY #2 (Jean Van de Velde): Shot an 80 today, the fourth worst score of the day. BIG STORY OVER.
HUMUNGOUS STORY #1 (Greg Norman): After three rounds, Greg Norman, at the age of 53, has a two-shot lead in the 2008 Open Championship. Remember how I said you should all watch the U.S. Open because of how historic it was gonna be? Well, even I, TigerCast 2K8, must admit that this would trump even that. So you all definitely need to get up at 6 AM eastern time, flip on TNT, and watch this shit.
Unbelievable!
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2008 British Open Final Update
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None of the contenders for Player of the Year won, and none of the Big Stories panned out, so, turns out, as we expected, this "major" was just a worthless load of crap!
See you at the PGA!
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None of the contenders for Player of the Year won, and none of the Big Stories panned out, so, turns out, as we expected, this "major" was just a worthless load of crap!
See you at the PGA!
When you need my help because I'm ruining everything, don't look at me.
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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Well, woula been nice if Greg Norman made a day of it, but what can you do. Thanks for the updates, Ben. Your posts are actually getting me into following golf A LITTLE.
Also, Rick Reilly just did a feature on playing a round of golf with Charles Barkley. He is truly the everyman.
Also, Rick Reilly just did a feature on playing a round of golf with Charles Barkley. He is truly the everyman.
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!