Bill Simmons is a spoiled, unfunny douchebag. THE THREAD.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/st ... ampa/part1

Seriously, you won't believe how low this guy has gone. He's been reduced to this kind of unfunny shit. He is a shell of himself, and I think it's great that every website even remotely about sports mentions it, because you know he's the sort of insecure zero that is constantly typing his name into Google.

Just in case you're not up on what a joke professional baseball has become:

MLB decided that it's good for their business to have New York and Boston face each other as many times as possible in as many "meaningful" games as possible. They currently play 19 regular season games.

They added a "wild card" playoff spot, so that two teams from the same division can make the playoffs. This was done solely to get NY and Boston playing each other in the post-season, which has happened a couple times with two series that would have been memorable, if the events getting to that point weren't fixed.

They instituted a desperate rule for the wild card team, stating that "a wild card team cannot face a team in their own division in the first round." This is soley to try to get Boston and NY playing for the right to go to the World Series. What's actually happened is that one or both of these two laughable franchises have been knocked out in the first round.

Baseball sacrificed the game in three cities to allow this made-up "rivalry" to last as long as possible.

Toronto: because who cares about Canadians?
Tampa Bay: expansion team, so who cares about them?
Baltimore: No way to really get them out of a division called the "AL East."

You now have worthless, dumb fuckers like Simmons who honestly believe they are great fans because they are following a team outspending everyone. The Yankees have spent a billion dollars in payroll over the last five season without a World Series victory to show for it.

And today, we see an ESPN blogger in Simmons traveling to Tampa Bay to make "snarky" comments (his words) about one of the teams MLB sacrificed. Anytime you tell people you're being "snarky," you're really telling them that you're an unfunny shitstain with overwritten material. (True in this case, as well.)

Nothing's going to change with the game of baseball, so fuck it. I direct you to the thread above because it is utterly amazing to me that someone would turn that slop in and actually attach their name to it. It appears written by a fourth grader. The guy should be embarrassed, but since he's not, I guess we have to be for him.

[Vitriola]

He had everything in there but an 'A [x] from [x] is missing its [x]' joke.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

He had everything in there but an 'A [x] from [x] is missing its [x]' joke.

If I ever get that unfunny and repetitive, I want you to execute me by doing the following:

- Save a copy of the web page to your local drive. As "reference."

- Apply for your handgun license. I think you have to wait seven days to "cool down."

- At the end of the seven days, pick up the biggest and loudest shotgun they sell at Wal-Mart. Get 50 rounds of ammunition. "Shells," I guess they are called. I'm not a shotgun expert, I'm a "I hate hipster shitbags who think they are snarky" expert.

- Check the URL that is both repetitive and unfunny in case I found some wisdom and took it down. If I didn't, load six shells into the shotgun and shoot my fucking head off. Reload until you've pumped twenty of them into my mangled, bloody, unfunny hack's corpse. Don't give me any chance to put up a defense. I don't want to know it's coming. It's the gift I give to my future self, even though this hypothetical strained-smile fuck doesn't deserve it and I wish him ... me... him dead.

- With bullets #21 - #50, shoot all the way around my person, but don't actually hit me. Shoot the walls of the room, the chair, the computers, the Linux, the window, the Vectrex (let's be honest, the office is where I will probably be when you find me) but NOT the extra Gyruss circuit board. That's $75 on eBay, baby! My gift to you bEyoNd thE gRaVe!!!!

- When the police arrive, show them the 40% completion rate from the shotgun. Mike Vick will instantly be charged and convicted, and you'll get off scot-free.

I, and Comedy, thank you.

[Vitriola]

Will it be as unfunny as reading 10 pages of 70s sitcom humor-esque lines like 'X called and they want their X back'? Because I will just shoot you tonight.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Will it be as unfunny as reading 10 pages of 70s sitcom humor-esque lines like 'X called and they want their X back'? Because I will just shoot you tonight.

It will never happen because I have a rolling 18 month memory. You can't repeat yourself to the point of boring off 90% of your readers when you have absolutely no recall as to the jokes and catch phrases you used to use.

I, too, have taken a road trip and "blogged" about it - the Roswell one was filled with jokes that I think hold up, including my personal favorite, the "by definition" one towards the end. Here's a quick list of stuff I would not have done and never considered doing, which makes me an infinitely better and more entertaining writer than that chud:

- Trying too hard to make fun of the host city's populace. You find me a more annoying group of people than those from New York or Massachusetts. I know, because I am one of them, ho ho ho. None of them really speak English (which makes any of their number getting worked up about illegal immigration hilarious, but that's a whole separate thread) and their deluded sense of self-importance justifies the existance of the laid-bacl south. Vic from Queens and Omhaaah from Boston single-handedly justify us taking the south back in the Civil War because otherwise this would be a nation of total assholes.

- Going berserk over the low prices of things outside an over-urbanized sinking hell hole, which I would avoid because I am familiar with the concept of "cost of living."

- Taking pictures of the FUCKING PARKING SIGNS.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Furthermore, just on this website of about 40 people I would say the following are better and more entertaining writers:

- Pinback (who I am writing a book with, even though he is possibly unaware I am doing so)

- Debaser (who doesn't come round much, but still)

- Greg (who sent me a chapter or two of the thing he is currently working on, and it's great)

- My brother (his run before you all exposed him as the Clown is still the funniest string of posts I have ever read in my entire life: his golden era, while only 12 or 13 posts, make up the best run from anyone I have ever seen)

And that's just me picking off articles from the "features" section of this place. I don't know, this place should be more famous than it is, I think.

[pinbacker]

I dunno, picking some random article off the internet, posting it here, and then going on a rant about why it, and the author, suck wombat nuts is pretty repetitive.

(Funny, in this case... but still repetitive.)

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I dunno, picking some random article off the internet, posting it here, and then going on a rant about why it, and the author, suck wombat nuts is pretty repetitive.

(Funny, in this case... but still repetitive.)

Do you really think we do that lots?

[Vitriola]

suck wombat nuts is pretty repetitive.

Something horrible 'sucking [insert random animal here] nuts' is not repetitive? After, like, decades of it? Have we not run out of animals yet? Do we need to bring in the glow in the dark frog?

Hello genetic engineers!

Hello genetic engineers! It seems like every week I read about how you guys invented some crazy new type of animal. But it's never anything useful like a rapping monkey, it's inevitably some dumb thing like a thirty pound squirrel or a lactating seahorse. It's pretty obvious that you guys are just making stuff up as you go along instead of fulfilling specific needs.

So here you go! This weekend I collected, like, three Hefty-bag's worth of apples that had fallen from the huge apple tree in my back yard. It was a total drag, because the apples were on the ground, and it took forever to get them all, and now my back is killing me. So here's what I need. I need an appleless apple tree. You got that? No, don't just say "yeah," write it down. Appleless apple tree. If you don't write it down you are just going to forget, and then later you'll try to remember and probably get it all wrong and make an appleful apple tree or something. And Lord knows I don't need an appleful apple tree -- I already got one of those, that's the problem.

Once you've created it, send it to

Matthew Baldwin
c/o defective yeti
1467 Park -

Ahhhhh, you know what? Never mind. I'm not going to give you my address. At that big Seattle WTO boondoggle a few years back, there were some hippies who were against genetic engineering, and they dressed up like giant ears of corn with fangs. And I'm afraid that if I gave you my address you'd just carelessly leave it laying around where a giant fanged ear of corn could find it, and I totally don't need that right now. So here's what we'll do: when you've invented the appleless apple tree, drop me an email and we'll arrange a place to meet.

I would also like a glo-in-the-dark pony and a dog that can play basketball. Thanks.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Anyway, here's a quote from his unreadable column this week:

In fantasy, the best team gets punished for being the best team thanks to the waiver wire, maybe the dumbest running idea that's allowed to continue other than the "Our Country" commercials. So wait ... if you did a good job picking your team, you get penalized, and if you did a terrible job picking your team, you get rewarded? AWESOME! What a great system! If only the rest of America worked this way -- George Bush could have won the Nobel Peace Prize instead of Al Gore.

Haha, oh man. He is actually upset that the shitty teams in fantasy football (he spent his entire column talking about his FF team... Jesus fucking Christ, I am undefeated in the league I run and I would never, ever mention it) get first crack at the left-over players, due to the waivers process.

Yeah, SportsDouche, what if the rest of America worked that way, like the real waivers in football and the NFL Draft. What a dumb fuck.

He added this:

So what happens if you're 6-0 through Week 6? In the words of Norman Dale, this is your team. You get to watch the Matt Millens of your league load up with the likes of Sammy Morris, Brandon Marshall, Kevin Curtis, Selvin Young and other quality free agents every week; meanwhile, you're stuck picking 10th and talking yourself into add/drops like, "If LJ gets hurt and Priest can come back from that serious spine injury, he could be a steal" and "I don't even know how to pronounce 'Obomanu,' but he had a TD last week!" Basically, you can't improve your team for four straight months without a trade or getting lucky with the 10th-best free agent du' jour. Again, AWESOME! Nothing like adding a degree of difficulty for no real reason.

He also tells us, about a thousand times, that he picked LaDanian Tomlinson for this undefeated team of his. You get LT through the random roll of the die, by having the first pick. And now he's fucking crying about waivers. My brother ended up getting the first pick in the league I run, and I almost re-rolled because it's unfair to give him such an edge. But I didn't, because that's bullshit. If my brother started whining that waivers (I mean, read the list... Selvin Young? Sammy Morris? Jesus Fucking Christ!) I would seriously have him killed. I would call up a hit man and send him into Rochester to just put him out of his misery.

I honestly don't understand how this douchebag - Simmons, I mean - has any friends.

[AArdvark]

I'm not his friend but I would like a glow in the dark wombat.



THE
SUBJECT OF MY
NEXT YOUTUBE SHORT
AARDVARK

[Jack Straw]

(he spent his entire column talking about his FF team... Jesus fucking Christ, I am undefeated in the league I run and I would never, ever mention it)

no?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

In his last column, he said the two things he can't stand when he is playing Madden against someone is "going for the two point conversion when not necessary" and "the other guy looking at what play I select."

Of course, running up the score and cheating by looking at the playcalls is what the 2007 Patriots are famous for.

That level of douchiness may never be topped. He is trying, though! His latest column has him bitching about the refs for literally four pages. I've never seen anything like this. And "his" team won.

That being said, you have to love the fact that when you take the fact that he works for a popular website out of the equation, he really is as dumb as an empty box of rocks.

So if you wouldn't blame me for rooting for a scumbag like Tony [Soprano] against Bobby, then don't blame me for sticking with my Patriots. The players have always handled themselves with class, on and off the field.

Almost directly above that, he wrote:

After Welker clinched the Colts game with a crucial first-down catch, he defiantly hopped up and screamed at the poor cornerback covering him, 'YOU F------ SUCK!' [...] Normally, I hate crap like that. Not this time."

His idiocy, his lack of editing, his pure inability to write anything worthwhile or convincing makes him the most compelling writer in the world right now. On the sports BBSs I read there is literally nobody as dumb as this guy out there. He is worse than any actual fan.

I guess you can give him credit as he has people talking about him. But Jesus, people like to point at the freaks. I put him below a guy like Brian Peppers. People made fun of him, and generated a lot of comedy, because Brian Peppers is a freak. Simmons is below Peppers, because his only worthwhile contribution to the world is for people to laugh at how fucking moronic he is, each and every week.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

(he spent his entire column talking about his FF team... Jesus fucking Christ, I am undefeated in the league I run and I would never, ever mention it)

no?

For what it is worth, I lost to the Milker the very next week.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

AND, in the event that Mike Sousa is reading any of this, I am very happy for him. He is a good friend and a trusted, valued compatriot, and I am thrilled for him that he is able to see his sports teams play at a high level. He's been a fan for decades, and I'm very happy for him.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

This should probably be brought up:

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/11/ ... -bill.html

[Jack Straw]

For what it is worth, I lost to the Milker the very next week.

Karma's a bitch.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Simmons is making some stupid point in his latest horrible column when he says the following:

(Compare that to the excellent Cadillac ads in which Wallace from "The Wire" is cruising in his car at night and ends his Cadillac sermon by briefly developing multiple personalities and saying, "Thank you, Daddy ... you're welcome, Son" as the guitar kicks in and he drives away at 150 mph. Now that's an automobile ad!)

Wallace. The 14 year old drug dealer. I was vaguely aware of these Cadillac ads, seeing how I don't spend every waking moment in front of the television. I included this last line because it makes me feel smug and superior to someone I dislike on the Internet.

Anywhere, he is the ad:



Which of course is the guy who plays the cop Daniels. The late thirties guy who looks nothing like Wallace (a minor character from the first and second series.)

What a douche bag.

[Vitriola]

Where the hell did he get Wallace out of that?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Wallace doing some Escalade commercials would instantly make them the best commercials ever, though.