Lysander's Bass Joke

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat May 13, 2006 11:40 pm

Lysander just told me the funniest musician-related joke I've ever heard.

I encourage him to tell it here too. But first, I encourage him to tell a few others to warm up to it. So you don't just jump into the deep end of the pool right away.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Sun May 14, 2006 2:12 pm

How do you get the guitar player off your porch?

ChainGangGuy · Post by **ChainGangGuy** » Sun May 14, 2006 2:20 pm

I give up, Lysander. How do you get the guitar player off your porch?

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun May 14, 2006 4:25 pm

Don't do this, Lysander. Just tell a few lame ones (though the guitar player one is kinda cute) in one post, and then LET RIP with the bass joke, AKA the funniest musician joke of all time.

gsdgsd · Post by **gsdgsd** » Sun May 14, 2006 6:23 pm

How do you get the Molto Benny BBS to work again?

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Sun May 14, 2006 6:30 pm

Pay him for the pizza.

I just went to an R-rated concert, it was filled with sax and violins.

What do you call a guy who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A drummer LOL!

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Bugs · Post by **Bugs** » Sun May 14, 2006 6:51 pm

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The keyboard player can just do it with his left hand.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun May 14, 2006 8:28 pm

Well, that's just fuckin' ignant.

Lysander was about to tell the best joke in history, but you had to go too far.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun May 14, 2006 9:31 pm

As someone who has been taking 10 months to talk about 100 games, I definitely approve of dragging this thread out.

Bugs · Post by **Bugs** » Sun May 14, 2006 10:38 pm

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

1, 5, 1, 5, 1, 5

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sun May 14, 2006 10:56 pm

HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAH

That is the best musician joke in history. I would have preferred Lysander get to tell it, but he couldn't pull the trigger.

1, 5, 1, 5...

HAHAHAHHAHAhahah

I LOVE that.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Mon May 15, 2006 1:26 pm

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Infinite hordes. One to change it, the rest to say how much better Neil Piert could have done it.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Mon May 15, 2006 1:34 pm

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon May 15, 2006 3:18 pm

pinback wrote:HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAH

That is the best musician joke in history. I would have preferred Lysander get to tell it, but he couldn't pull the trigger.

1, 5, 1, 5...

HAHAHAHHAHAhahah

I LOVE that.

I don't get it.

Time for Q and A for a special knock-knock joke regarding an instrument I used to play.

Q: How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fuck you.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Mon May 15, 2006 6:55 pm

How does one get to play the oboe? It sounds like all the 'good' band instruments were taken.

THE
ILL WIND
NOBODY PLAYS WELL
AARDVARK

Bugs · Post by **Bugs** » Tue May 16, 2006 8:25 am

How do you know when a female singer is at the door?

She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

mildly offended · Post by **mildly offended** » Tue May 16, 2006 4:34 pm

Grrrrrr!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 16, 2006 9:38 pm

AArdvark wrote:How does one get to play the oboe? It sounds like all the 'good' band instruments were taken.

Yeah. I was deaf in one ear when they were handing our instruments so I didn't get to join the band, initially. Me! Not allowed to do music! Me! Who has given the world "Claim to Fame" and "A-K-Q."

Anyway, a year later (in fifth grade!) a girl named Jennifer Allen wanted to switch from the flute to the oboe. But they weren't going to let her unless someone else switched. She asked what would happen if someone NEW picked up the instrument. They said they would get a couple oboes if that were the case. I was in "Olympics of the Mind" with her and I got wind of this story. On TROLL ME THEATRE y'all can say that I picked up a queer instrument for a girl but seriously, I was only in the fifth grade. I wasn't wired like that.

So the two of us played oboe in the band the rest of the year. Entering the sixth grade, her dad got a new job elsewhere so she moved, leaving me alone playing the goddamn thing. I did not have a partner to oboe up with, ooohhhhhhhh, EVER. Ever. But it was actually a good thing because I got the music instructor's full attention during lessons. For people who went to a different junior high school -- the "lesson" was the time, once a week, where you got out of your regularly scheduled class and got instructed on how not to suck so badly at your instrument, even one with a double reed. So I got the complete attention of the musical teacher, which now that I think about it, was pretty cool. I definitely learned a lot.

In the 7th grade they had the jazz band. We were asked to sign up if we hand interest. My friends played saxophone and trumpet and they signed up. I did, too. I remember that the jazz band instructor popped his head into the regular concert band class and said, "OH! HEY! SORRY ROBB BUT THEY DON'T HAVE OBOES IN JAZZ BAND! SNRKT!" I remember that being horrifying at the time. Because he told everyone, I am guessing. Who knows.

In, say, 8th grade the jazz band needed someone else to play tenor sax, and I signed up. I played both instruments until the 10th grade when the Symphonic Band instructor realized that I practiced the sax much more than the oboe. He asked if I wanted to go to the tenor sax full-time. I said, "Yes!" I mean, I liked the oboe and everything, I just liked the saxophone more.

A friend of mine ditched a couple concerts in the high school jazz band, so to cover for him I learned how to play the baritone saxophone. A popular instrument, I believe they later used the case for the baritone sax to ship Xboxes in.

So, I guess it's been a while since I last played the oboe, but I regret nothing. I'd love to one day buy another one.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Wed May 17, 2006 4:03 am

That was great right up until the last sentence.

Now I have to tell about how I got shanghaied into playing the clarinet for a progressive rock band. Saturday was our first show, but the clarinet needs work on it so badly it sounds like shit, and I don't have the money to get it overhauled. But there's my big secret- I play the clarinet in a progressive rock band.