[Review] FUCK YOU FANBOY or Blade: Trinity

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I read some comics once with "Hannibal King" in it. He was a vampire private investigator who only drank skunk blood. This allowed him to be saved, years later, by Doctor Strange.

I just watched a shitty movie that had the unwatchable Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder) in it playing the aforementioned Hannibal King. I give Fuck You Fanboy: Blade Trinity a very poor review. I do this because the most unfunny character in the history of cinema was Reynolds's Hannibal King.

But I don't want his performance to sidetrack the review in a general sense. Wesley Snipes hates white people and the only way this movie works at all is if you are constantly making cracks about how he not only wants to kill vampires in it, but white people as well. That joke is played out early leaving you with nothing but the uncomfortable dialogue, the same vampie-turning-to-ash special effect a hundred times over and the obligatory boss monster level-up fight when Dracula turns into a space grue.

But I don't want the shittiness of the movie to ruin what they did to Dracula. I thought they beat his ass down in every one of these things, but what do I remember. He's back in this movie. Dracula is and always should be a lisping Romanian who hides half his face behind his cape. The guy in "Van Helsing" was terrible, but he got the essence right. The guy who played Bela Lugosi playing a zombie did a better job than the career-ending performance turned in by the nu-rock nobody who was Dracula in this piece of shit. What a debacle. They also ripped off the catching-the-weakness-arrow bit from "The Dark Knight Strikes Back." Fuck this thing. Blade Trinity is stupid and derivative from beginning to end.

There are/were four comic characters that I would like to see be in movies. Daredevil, King, Deadpool and Blue Beetle. We're not 50% of the way through the list and DD and Hannibal King were done horribly. Man, fuck movies. Everyone involved with them from the creative side has this complex about BEING IN FILM!!! and they are in the worst entertainment medium going. I'm surprised Reynolds didn't ad-lib a credit card "Priceless" joke in this shit.


Zero out of five stars. I'm just glad Newton wasn't around to see this dreck. He really is in a better place. I know they say that to make you feel better, but in this case it's true. Plus, Snipes would have hated Newt anyway because he was WHITE.

[pinback]

four: Daredevil, King, Deadpool and Blue Beetle

two: DD and Hannibal King were done horribly

We're not 50% of the way through the list

4/2 = 2! 100/50 = 2! 4/2 = 50%!

You ARE 50% of the way through the list!

Zero out of five stars. I'm just glad Newton wasn't around to see this dreck. He really is in a better place. I know they say that to make you feel better, but in this case it's true. Plus, Snipes would have hated Newt anyway because he was WHITE.

This was a very funny paragraph, and I think helped us all through the grieving process. The healing may now begin.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Goddamn Math Maven!


::shaking my fist!!::