[ARMY OF LOVE] Pinback's Women 2K5!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 12:22 pm

To further my current agenda of "more content, less quality", I present to you, a whole new version for 2005 of PINBACK'S WOMEN! Come with us once again, as we explore the perverse, the bizarre, and the most certainly celebate, featuring all the finest ladies from across the countryside, who may or may not actually exist!

Now, on with the fun!

NAME: Lucy (actual name withheld for security purposes)
NICKNAME: None yet.
PICTURE: None
HOW MET: In tha workplace
STATUS: Unknown.

PROS:
-----
- Cute as a goddamn bug.
- No known previous attachment.
- A few extra pounds, so you know, she probably can't get ANY guy she wants.
- Has voiced such platitudes as "I'd love to see you drunk" and "You're so much fun."

CONS:
-----
- No known previous attachment, but no definitive evidence one way or the other.
- "You're so much fun" is already starting to sound like "you're such a great friend!"
- Well, she could mix in a salad or two, let's be honest.

CHANCE OF SUCCESS: Hard to say here, until we get a few questions answered.
ENTHUSIASM LEVEL: Medium-High.

NAME: Andrea
NICKNAME: The Shadow
PICTURE: None
HOW MET: Haven't... uh, actually met yet.
STATUS: Possibly Fictional

PROS:
-----
- Single!
- Attractive! (I am to believe)
- Can be introduced to me by my friend Chris. (Was supposed to happen Friday night at the Palm, but couldn't make it.)

CONS:
-----
- May never actually meet.
- I heard some of the things she's looking for in a guy, and I was none of them.

CHANCE OF SUCCESS: Very Low.
ENTHUSIASM LEVEL: Low.

NAME: The Girl Working At The Dance Studio Next To The Asian Grocery
NICKNAME: The Hottest Girl In The Known Universe
PICTURE: None. It would be too much for most of you to handle anyway.
HOW MET: I saw her while sitting in my car out front of the grocery. I had to just stop, stare, and then quietly weep tears of appreciation and awe (and lust).
STATUS: Possibly a figment of my imagination.

PROS:
-----
- The hottest girl in the known universe, by a factor of seventeen thousand.
- Oh my god.
- Jesus Christ.
- JESUS CHRIST!

CONS:
-----
- Every other female on the planet now appears to me as a grotesque, rutting sow.
- Hard to make that "Yeah, I was just sitting out in the parking lot staring at you" line work.

CHANCE OF SUCCESS: Never in a million years.
ENTHUSIASM LEVEL: Like a thousand suns exploding at once.

NAME: Katie
NICKNAME: K8T13
PICTURE: None.
HOW MET: At my restaurant.
STATUS: Looking good!

PROS:
-----
- Works as a waitress at my restaurant, the Phoenix Palm.

CONS:
-----
- The restaurant doesn't actually exist, so neither, by association, does she.

CHANCE OF SUCCESS: Nonexistent.
ENTHUSIASM LEVEL: Distorted.

NAME: Florence May Jemima
NICKNAME: "Aunt" Jemima
PICTURE:

HOW MET: As part of a nutritious breakfast!
STATUS: Delicious!

PROS:
-----
- Sticky 'n' sweet, what a lovely treat!
- Baby got BACK!
- Can be purchased at most local grocery stores.

CONS:
-----
- Is a brand of syrup, and thus, not actually a female human.
- Hard to clean up after steamy lovemaking sessions.

CHANCE OF SUCCESS: Assured.
ENTHUSIASM LEVEL: Hungry!

Well, that will about do it for this episode, which I'm sure we can all agree is the worst one yet! Thanks for playing!

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Tue May 17, 2005 1:18 pm

Pics please.

Bruce

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 1:57 pm

Wish I could help ya.

Though there has been some AIM interplay lately which would suggest that Lucy may in fact have occasion to swing by the ol' Palm sometime soon.

1. "we're neighbors!"
2. "do you go out anywhere?"
3. "r u married?"

So, I'll see what I can do.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 17, 2005 2:56 pm

A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married? Come on... you must think we're all very stupid. Like when you said you banged that chick at a bar that one time.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:24 pm

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

ICJ wrote: A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married?

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

ICJ wrote: A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married?

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

ICJ wrote: A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married?

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

ICJ wrote: A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married?

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

ICJ wrote: A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married?

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

ICJ wrote: A girl on the Internet asked you if you were married?

pinback wrote: HOW MET: In tha workplace

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:45 pm

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

[/i]Though there has been some AIM interplay[/i]

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 4:14 pm

Here's a FUN FAX 4 U, ICJ.

I work with computers! At a place where they have computers... for everybody!

And we can all install whatever messaging software we want! And we can sit there chatting all day on 'em, without actually doing any work, while waiting for 1) lunchtime and 2) go home time!

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Tue May 17, 2005 4:32 pm

pinback wrote:3. "r u married?"

You want pussy?

Here's what you do.

You look sad. And then you say, softly, "I...was."

Then she'll perkily say, "divorced?" and you say, "....no. Died."

And then blink a lot and leave the room and go to the bathroom. Use this time to figure out "what" "she" "died" of. Something gruesome and uncommon, so she isn't like, "Wow! My Aunt Kate died of the same thing!" and then realizes you're lying when you're unable to describe the hideousness of the fourth, debilitating, phase of the disease. But don't make it so over the top that she's like, "No way, bullshit."

So: "Car wreck," is OK. "Gored by a rampaging wildebeest while saving a busload of orphans from a leopard," not so good. "Breast cancer," not so good. However, for maximum points, it should be something drawn-out and awful. So go Google up rare, eventually-fatal diseases. But not while you're in the bathroom giggling and trying to make it sound like sobs.

And then come back and apologize. You're totally getting laid if you do that convincingly.

Bruce

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Tue May 17, 2005 5:32 pm

I can see you've given this a lot of thought.

Knuckles the CLown · Post by **Knuckles the CLown** » Tue May 17, 2005 6:06 pm

bruce wrote:
pinback wrote:3. "r u married?"
You want pussy?

Here's what you do.

You look sad. And then you say, softly, "I...was."

Then she'll perkily say, "divorced?" and you say, "....no. Died."

And then blink a lot and leave the room and go to the bathroom. Use this time to figure out "what" "she" "died" of. Something gruesome and uncommon, so she isn't like, "Wow! My Aunt Kate died of the same thing!" and then realizes you're lying when you're unable to describe the hideousness of the fourth, debilitating, phase of the disease. But don't make it so over the top that she's like, "No way, bullshit."

So: "Car wreck," is OK. "Gored by a rampaging wildebeest while saving a busload of orphans from a leopard," not so good. "Breast cancer," not so good. However, for maximum points, it should be something drawn-out and awful. So go Google up rare, eventually-fatal diseases. But not while you're in the bathroom giggling and trying to make it sound like sobs.

And then come back and apologize. You're totally getting laid if you do that convincingly.

Bruce

Hey, have you seen Animal House?

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Tue May 17, 2005 6:06 pm

However, for maximum points, it should be something drawn-out and awful

She died in my palm tree infested apartment, choked on a cocoanut (Sob) it was awful

NAME: Lucy (actual name withheld for security purposes)
NICKNAME: None yet.
PICTURE: None
HOW MET: In tha workplace
STATUS: Unknown.

THE
HAHA
AARDVARK

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Tue May 17, 2005 6:14 pm

NAME: Katie
NICKNAME: K8T13
PICTURE: None.
HOW MET: At my restaurant.
STATUS: Looking good!

OK That's plain weird. Make up a girl and write about her on JC. I could understand it if you were doing the beef stroganoff
thing, keeping it (her) to yourself, ya know but this..It reminds me of that subplot in 'Rear Window'

I won't repeat it here, tho. Go rent it and say 'Oh! How sad.'

THE
SO THE MUSHROOMS
ARE FOR KEEPING
THE REALTIONSHIP
GOING,RIGHT?
AARDVARK

Festus · Post by **Festus** » Tue May 17, 2005 6:17 pm

NAME: Lucy (actual name withheld for security purposes)
NICKNAME: None yet.
PICTURE: None
HOW MET: In tha workplace
STATUS: Unknown.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Tue May 17, 2005 7:05 pm

Wait, so there's actualy sex in this base?

Could this be the beginning of a new era for Jolt Country forum? Shoulda waited for the upgrade.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 17, 2005 7:26 pm

AArdvark wrote:She died in my palm tree infested apartment, choked on a cocoanut (Sob) it was awful

"She was allergic to cyan..."

"What?"

"Nothing... still... still mopping up parts of her exploded head from the walls..."

"What?"

"The walls... of the Phoenix Palm!!!"

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Tue May 17, 2005 9:28 pm

Knuckles the CLown wrote:Hey, have you seen Animal House?

Never even remotely sober, but that's probably where my brain barfed it up from.

Bruce

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Tue May 17, 2005 9:41 pm

snipped: other pictures of Lucy

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Wed May 18, 2005 4:09 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:"The walls... of the Phoenix Palm!!!"

The Phoenix Palm sounds like a killing kung-fu manoeveur.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Wed May 18, 2005 6:55 pm

Seriously.. Imaginary friends...OK. kids do it all the time/

Imaginary RESTAURANTS...not OK. Fucking weird.

Doctor Jimmy and mister Jim
Without pills you don't notice him
They only come out when I drink my gin.

- Pete Townsend

who does not have a fog machine full of LSD mushrooms..

THE
ONE DAY
AT A TIME
AARDVARK

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Wed May 18, 2005 7:05 pm

AArdvark wrote:Imaginary RESTAURANTS...not OK. Fucking weird.

Prude.

Pete Townsend wrote: Doctor Jimmy and mister Jim
Without pills you don't notice him
They only come out when I drink my gin.

I find that gin actually keeps those voices quiet.

Bruce