The official Return of the King thread

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 3:00 pm

Less gayness, more Eowyn and Faramir without the bonfire, and nobody ever thought Arwen was in any danger, or cared, but Jesus, as good as the first.

Casual Observer · Post by **Casual Observer** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 8:47 am

I saw this last night and did enjoy it. Should have bought the tickets online because we got there at 7:00 and the 8:00 movie was sold out. And the 9:00 movie as well. Since we went through the trouble of going all the way there we waited for the 10:00 movie. After 2 hours and a bag of popcorn we finally got in to see the movie. The long wait probably affected my perception of the movie which was that there were a bunch of scenes that are waaay tooo draaawwnn oouutt. I don't need to look into Elija Wood's blue eyes that long, really. It seemed like the half hour or so of wrapping up after winning the battle was anticlimactic but it probably just felt that way because it was after 1:00 AM and i had been at the theater for almost 6 hours by then.

Vit's a bit wrong about the gayness though, Merry and Pippin are obviously gay (he catches the bouquet at the end even) and all those scenes of Frodo and Sam hugging and kissing are at least homoerotic. Plus, kissing Liz Tyler has got to be similar to kissing her father, she looks just like him.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 10:51 am

Casual Observer wrote:Plus, kissing Liz Tyler has got to be similar to kissing her father, she looks just like him.

She's *WAY* hotter and you know it.

As for me, I'll just say:

BEST. MOVIE. EVAR.

Well, maybe not quite that good, but better than TTT and probably better than FotR. Despite the fact that there's a lot less story in this one.

Yeah, I woulda liked to see more Eowyn/Faramir stuff, and I'm dreadfully unhappy that "The Scouring of the Shire" was never filmed and that Saruman was totally cut out, and I am slightly distressed that it's Eowyn comforting the dying Theoden rather than Merry, but still. Wow. Brilliant damn movie.

Bruce

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Thu Dec 18, 2003 11:55 am

If you think that's good, you should see some of Peter Jackson's real masterpieces.

Bad Taste.
Meet the Feebles.
Dead Alive (aka Braindead.)

Assuming, of course, that people can still handle seeing movies that aren't 99.9% CGI. And less than three hours long.

Liv Tyler, BTW, is the most sexless, flaccid chick to grace the silver screen in many a year.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 12:24 pm

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:Liv Tyler, BTW, is the most sexless, flaccid chick to grace the silver screen in many a year.

Yeah, she really didn't do herself any favors when she took her top off for that one flick a few years back. I kept thinking, "Hey, 'Strider,' it's all fine that you want to be with this chick for 124 years and all, but I hope you can get Gandalf there to cast a Magic Middle Earth Implant spell on her for your sake."

Nix gold, silver, electrum and platinum, the real precious metal in LOTR ought to be silicon.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 12:26 pm

bruce wrote:Well, maybe not quite that good, but better than TTT and probably better than FotR. Despite the fact that there's a lot less story in this one.

Trying to decide if I liked TTT more. I may have... dunno.

Course, it's helped by the fact that ROTK was pretty much spoiled for me by the net. I don't know how you lot who read the books were able to enjoy any of it.

I didn't know about the dead souls bringing their hurtin' canes to the fight. That was AWESOME. I didn't really know about the spider: I read that Frodo encounters a "she" (well, maybe Gollum told me that in TTT as well) who tries to hurt him... didn't know it was a spider.

So that stuff was neat.

But shit, the net nerds ruined lots of other things for me. Partially my fault, but when the tagline to the Awful Forums is something like, "Gollum bites off Spokker Jones' finger and falls into the lava" then, fuck, really... what can you do?

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 12:35 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:I don't know how you lot who read the books were able to enjoy any of it.

Approach it like it's a Greek Tragedy, or Shakespeare: we *know* the story, we want to see how it's told.

It's sort of inconceivable to me that anyone about my age, and somewhere near as geeky as I am, could *not* have read LotR even if they aren't quiet as obsessive about it as I am.

Oh, and, JQW: I've seen Meet the Feebles, and yes, I'll agree that it's a masterpiece. But it also was done for pocket change. And, of course, its entire premise is pretty much "The Muppet Show on Bad, Bad, Bad Acid." Which is not to say it's not funny as hell. What I find amazing is that Jackson was allowed to direct these based on his prior work.

Bruce

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 2:04 pm

The Reviews are in!

1) GAY!!!

2) More tits.

3) Too much Aerosmith.

4) Not as good as Dead Alive.

5) Best. Movie. Evar. (Not really).

6) Shakespearean in scope, A++++!

7) SomethingAwful ruined it for me I hate those st00pidheads there's nothing but 13 year old n00bs on the internet anyways how come I can never meet people who don't just be all like you know 'Hey Jonsey not only do you spell your homo name wrong you stupid Xtian I bet you whack off to pictures of Jesus and that Leaper guy but oh Hey Gollum bites off Frodo's finger Haha LOLOLOL!!!!1 faggit' and I want a nap =(.

8) Too long.

9) Too short.

10) Eyes are creepy.

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Fri Dec 19, 2003 1:53 pm

Bruce: Lots of people didn't read those damned books. I think I may have been peer-pressured into reading a little bit of "The Hobbit", but geez, I really, really, really hated the stories. It didn't help growing up and having to see the appalling animated versions.

Oz books? Read nearly every one of 'em. Lewis Carroll? Read a bunch. Roahl Dahl? (sp!) Some.

Tolkien? His untalented self can suck my fat one. Come to think of it, if I really cared (which I don't), I'd do a little graverobbing then post a pic of me fucking the skull of J.R.R. Tolkien just like that dragon who does it to "Mircosoft."

I shudder at anything where people's names include apostrophes. This usually includes most fantasy novels, and Star Trek. (And the occasional unfortunate Star Wars story written by a limp-wristed fantasy author.)

If I want fantasy, I'll watch Jason and the Argonauts, or Seventh Voyage of Sinbad. I won't be so eager to watch stuff like Legend or Two Towers. (To be fair, the first LoTR movie wasn't too bad - but it labored under the back-breaking yoke of being a frickin' Tolkien story.)

I'm very eager to see how Peter Jackson's "King Kong" remake turns out (especially as he's already said that the dinosaurs on Skull Island will be a big part of it.) He's certainly a talented director (and it's funny to see exactly the same distinctive camera shots done in both Bad Taste and in the LoTR movies), I'd just like to see him working on something that doesn't annoy me so much.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 3:25 pm

Okay, you don't like fantasy. You could of just typed that and stopped typing.

Jack Straw · Post by **Jack Straw** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 3:29 pm

But then there would be no content.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 3:37 pm

Worm wrote:Okay, you don't like fantasy. You could of just typed that and stopped typing.

Well, but he claims to like the Oz books.

I can, of course, discuss, at length any of the Canonical Fourteen--the ones by Baum. Ruth Plumly Thompson's Oz books are not fit to wipe my ass on, and I hope that all of us can agree at least on that. I can also talk about some of the lesser-known Baum novels, like Queen Zixi of Ix or Sky Island.

And, as someone who has read not only Tolkien, but Baum, and, I'm willing to bet, more Lewis Carroll than anyone else in this goddamn place (yes, I have made it through both Silvie and Bruno and S&B Concluded, wretched (with the exception of the Other Professor and the Gardener's Song) though they are), all I can say is that, having read Baum, to say arrant shit like:

Jethro Wouldn't Know Writing If It Skullfucked Him wrote:Tolkien? His untalented self can suck my fat one.

seems to imply either severe mental retardation, or at the very least that he's stuck a hatpin through his literary taste centers. Baum's fun and all, and had a wonderfully vivid imagination--don't get me wrong--but he wrote crappy, sappy, faux-Victorian, saccharine prose. And his flights of imagination, goofy and lovable though they are, can't hold the merest stub of a candle to someone who invents entire self-consistent languages and then makes up stories to go around them. It's like comparing a Steak and Shake burger (which is, let there be no mistake, often very tasty and occasionally Exactly What You Want) to a Ruth's Chris steak. One which you do not order Medium Well.

Bruce

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 5:46 pm

Jack Straw wrote:But then there would be no content.

Yea, but the content that Bruce does is much better.

AArdvark · Post by **AArdvark** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 8:14 pm

Well, ai=ll I'm gonna say it that RotK is 3 and a half hours. Plus trailers plus commercials that you all PAID to see. At least we git out money's worth.

Hey Liv Taylor, what's with the long face?

hehehehehehe

Someday someone will do the Flinx novels and then we'll see some real sci-fi fantasy.

THE
GOOD BUT NOT
GREAT
AARDVARK

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 10:55 am

What do you order the steak at Ruth's Chris again? Because I ordered it well done, and I thought that it was OK to order it medium well, should I ever go back there, which I probably never will, because the hate in my heart glows black.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 7:18 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:What do you order the steak at Ruth's Chris again? Because I ordered it well done, and I thought that it was OK to order it medium well, should I ever go back there, which I probably never will, because the hate in my heart glows black.

You should order it rare. Or at most medium rare. "Rare" is easy to remember, because it's the answer to the question, "How common is it for the Saints not to totally fucking choke in the clutch?"

Go Carney!

Bruce

Casual Observer · Post by **Casual Observer** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 7:38 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:What do you order the steak at Ruth's Chris again? Because I ordered it well done, and I thought that it was OK to order it medium well, should I ever go back there, which I probably never will, because the hate in my heart glows black.

You should order it Pittsburgh style. Otherwise known as "black and blue". Charred on the outside and bloody on the inside is a heavenly combination. Take a sip of a good Merlot or Cabernet and enjoy.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Mon Dec 22, 2003 9:59 am

bruce wrote:You should order it rare. Or at most medium rare. "Rare" is easy to remember, because it's the answer to the question, "How common is it for the Saints not to totally fucking choke in the clutch?" Go Carney!

oh

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Tue Dec 23, 2003 8:12 am

I like Baum and hate Tolkien because Baum wasn't so fucking annoying. Ditto for Carroll. (Err, that Carroll isn't so fucking annoying.)

Put it this way:
I like "fun" stories. I do not feel that the "fantasy" genre (especially with such trite nonsense as orcs, trolls, dragons, etc) has the power to sustain a serious story, especially one so overwrought and heavy and utterly lacking in fun as the hobbit books. The Oz books are fun. The Carroll books are a lot of fun. Both also take place in some takeoff of the "real" world and have a normal human protaganist, giving them someone for the reader to identify with. I cannot identify with a fucking hobbit.

That's my same problem with animation - I just can't get into "serious" cartoons.

Worm · Post by **Worm** » Tue Dec 23, 2003 10:22 am

If you cut it down to "I cannot identify with a fucking hobbit." It would of been better +10.