The Pinback Files

[pinback]

In this thread, I'll just provide any news regarding the cancer diagnosis, interesting updates as things progress, and also provide a place for you to ask any questions.

I'm an open book, so this is a wonderful opportunity for you to learn about what this is like if you have never had someone close to you go through this! I imagine that's a relatively short list, since literally everyone gets cancer nowadays, but I'll be here for ya just in case!

Next stop: MRI at 8:30 PM on Friday night for a clearer, more detailed view. I did not know they did MRIs at 8:30 on Friday nights. See, we're learning new things already!

[Flack]

Had you had an MRI before? Do you get claustrophobic in the tube? Do you take anti-anxiety pills before getting int he tube?

My first (and last) closed-tube MRI story is long and funny, but this is not about me so here is the one sentence version: it started with me telling a nice, older woman that I "didn't think I was claustrophobic" and ended with me violently trying to kick her in the face as I thrashed my way out of that constrictive tube of horror. I did find the "open" MRI (which ain't all that open and resembles a Big Mac with you as the all beef patty) to be bearable and, by the end of the experience, dare I say... relaxing?

I have never asked anyone I've ever known this question before. What's on your bucket list?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I just need to calm down from the anger coursing through my system at all times about this, and I will be ready to contribute.

Gerrit sent me a nice text the other day and I was too angry to respond. My anger is not your burden. But when someone posts something like this, I don't want you being, oh, you FUCKRS didn't reply?? Let's see if we can't clean up the head space over here first, is what I am saying.

since literally everyone gets cancer nowadays

I said to my wife the other day that I am angry about "treatment" because it never works. She then listed off 5 people who have gotten various forms of treatment that worked. But yes. Everyone gets cancer now. OHHH SEE IN THE OLDEN DAYS YOU'D GET HIT IN THE FACE BY A TREBUCHET BEFORE THE CANC-- gawd. Yes, the olden days used to be a shithole experience.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I have never asked anyone I've ever known this question before. What's on your bucket list?

Right. Do you want to play a round at Augusta or something?

[pinback]

Great questions!

1. I have had two MRIs before, but both for leg-related stuff as far as I can remember, so I wasn't IN there the whole way. This will be my abdomen, so I still might not be totally "in there", but I am not claustrophobic at all, so I do not foresee any issues. And 8:30 is almost my bedtime anyway, so I imagine I might even drift off there. Plus, there's been a lot of advances in making MRIs not so stressful. The last one Mina got, she got to wear goggles that were playing a movie inside 'em! I probably won't get that, but we'll see.

2. I do not subscribe to the "bucket list" idea. I reject the concept of an individual who can collect experiences and drag them around in a big metaphorical sack behind him, and that when the clock is ticking (which it is for all of us), it's time to shove as many experiences in there as you can, while you can. All I ever see is now, and everything I've ever done is wiped away in every moment. Even if you told me I had exactly 1 day left, I would not feel any urge to do anything but sit peacefully, enjoying being, rather than running around doing. That is the most fulfilling activity I have discovered in my 53+ years.

But okay, maybe I'd go sit on a beach on a warm summer day. But we already have that vacation scheduled for June, so... Bucket list: PENDING COMPLETION!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Would you allow me to host your websites?

[pinback]

I... okay? What, you don't like https://pinback.net?

[Casual Observer]

Great questions!

1. I have had two MRIs before, but both for leg-related stuff as far as I can remember, so I wasn't IN there the whole way. This will be my abdomen, so I still might not be totally "in there", but I am not claustrophobic at all, so I do not foresee any issues. And 8:30 is almost my bedtime anyway, so I imagine I might even drift off there. Plus, there's been a lot of advances in making MRIs not so stressful. The last one Mina got, she got to wear goggles that were playing a movie inside 'em! I probably won't get that, but we'll see.

2. I do not subscribe to the "bucket list" idea. I reject the concept of an individual who can collect experiences and drag them around in a big metaphorical sack behind him, and that when the clock is ticking (which it is for all of us), it's time to shove as many experiences in there as you can, while you can. All I ever see is now, and everything I've ever done is wiped away in every moment. Even if you told me I had exactly 1 day left, I would not feel any urge to do anything but sit peacefully, enjoying being, rather than running around doing. That is the most fulfilling activity I have discovered in my 53+ years.

But okay, maybe I'd go sit on a beach on a warm summer day. But we already have that vacation scheduled for June, so... Bucket list: PENDING COMPLETION!

So sorry, I hope modern cancer meds make it ok. I know there are things that mimic the cancers genetic code and zero in, are there any new drugs they've got for you? Honestly asking, I sold clinical trial software for years and am facinated by the space.

Agreed about "bucket list", I'm not convinced that anything we do here means anything except the influence we have on others but I don't care about most others so what does that leave.

I have for awhile had the subtle sorta "belief" that there is a "spiritual connectedness" which I justify mostly based on quantum entanglement. The idea being that memories or connections made between people become entangled somehow. It doesn't matter to me any more than curiosity, at this point i completely believe when i die - nothing - and i'll never know the difference.

[Flack]

Great questions!
1. I have had two MRIs before, but both for leg-related stuff as far as I can remember, so I wasn't IN there the whole way. This will be my abdomen, so I still might not be totally "in there", but I am not claustrophobic at all, so I do not foresee any issues. And 8:30 is almost my bedtime anyway, so I imagine I might even drift off there. Plus, there's been a lot of advances in making MRIs not so stressful. The last one Mina got, she got to wear goggles that were playing a movie inside 'em! I probably won't get that, but we'll see.

So as I'm sure you know, you cannot have metal inside an MRI. (They asked me 900x about piercings, medical equipment, artificial implants.) That being said, I think what bothers most people about the experience is the noise and so every time I went they offered me headphones.

Funny story. The first time I went the lady asked me what kind of music I preferred and I said "oh, I listen to about anything." Then she said, "Christian music okay?" When I said "oh, just regular music" she said "...Country?" Then I said, "you remember back when I said I listen to just about anything? I guess I was lying. I listen to rock music. Whatever's on the rock station, that's what I listen to." She nodded and after I slid into the MRI I got to listen to Taylor Swift and girls that sound just like her for 20 minutes. If they ask you what you would like to listen to during your MRI, be very specific. Maybe take a playlist.

2. I do not subscribe to the "bucket list" idea. I reject the concept of an individual who can collect experiences and drag them around in a big metaphorical sack behind him, and that when the clock is ticking (which it is for all of us), it's time to shove as many experiences in there as you can, while you can. All I ever see is now, and everything I've ever done is wiped away in every moment. Even if you told me I had exactly 1 day left, I would not feel any urge to do anything but sit peacefully, enjoying being, rather than running around doing. That is the most fulfilling activity I have discovered in my 53+ years.

So, one last ride on a rollercoaster with the kid or any food you never got around to trying?

[pinback]

So, one last ride on a rollercoaster with the kid or any food you never got around to trying?

Nah. She don't like coasters anyway. I will try the HAMBURGER WAGON in Dayton, but that's not a bucket list thing, that's a, something to do on the weekend thing.

But okay, you bring up a good point. My bucket list is whatever anyone else wants me to do. Just click and drag me around like a peep in Rollercoaster Tycoon, and then when you've had enough, just pick me up one more time, drag me over, let go and drown me in the lake.

[Flack]

Here's a question, and it's a little dark.

How much input will you provide for your own funeral? Are there things you would like to have done, people you would like to speak, or do you not care?

My favorite part of Tom Sawyer was when the town thought he and Huckleberry Finn were dead and the two of them showed up to secretly watch their own funeral. I think a lot of people would like to do that. I would love to hear what everybody had to say about me after my death. I also think most of the slideshows they show at funerals are terrible and I constantly tell my wife I'm going to make my own and keep it on a USB stick so that when that time comes it'll be ready. And it'll be full of all my favorite pictures, not random ones people email someone trying to organize putting together a video.

Last night I was tlaking to my wife about all of this and told her that I want to write my own obituary. One thing lead to another and she said I should write a letter to Pinback because it would nicer for him to read it while he's alive rather than have it sitting in his inbox after... you know. I'm not ready to do that but I will think about it.

[pinback]

Here's a question, and it's a little dark.

How much input will you provide for your own funeral? Are there things you would like to have done, people you would like to speak, or do you not care?

Great questions!

My answer is: That last thing.

Though if you must have an answer, I am in full agreement with Lou Grant from the Mary Tyler Moore show, who said:

"I don't want anybody to make any fuss. When I go, I just want to be stood outside in the garbage with my hat on."

Though I guess I'd prefer the body just be dumped in the woods somewhere for the animals. That's good eatin'!

[Flack]

I regret to inform you there will be a fuss.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Yeah, the funeral is for all of us PAL.

[pinback]

I have no objections.

[Flack]

Is the MRI part of the second opinion, or more data for the first? If not, when is the second opinion scheduled?

I don't like this.

[pinback]

MRI is more data for the first. No second opinion has been scheduled as of this writing.

A lot of people don't like this! I wish I could help, but I'm not sure how, other than by showing the way, and smiling through it -- not in defiance but in peaceful embrace.

Do not forget: We're in the same boat, my end just might be sinking a little sooner... and maybe not.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Right. I could get clobbered by a semi on the way home tonight and Pinback would be yakking it up for a other median/average time period of three years.

Denial. Anger. Rage. Tears. THESE are my weapons. My defenses include defensive driving and little else.

[AArdvark]

What are the reactions of your loved ones? Surely they must be more distraught than you are.

Also, will there be some collection point for all the random digital footprints you'll be leaving? All the stuff sitting on old hard drives and things that nobody will be able to sort through because nobody has those retrival skills anymore.

[AArdvark]

Another thought...

In middle school I learned how to make harmless yet startling booby traps with rubber bands and string and paper clips. I fully plan on rigging up some of my personal effects for the day the kids have to sort through my books and drawers. Will there be any posthumous shenanigans at Casa de Pinback?