The Magnolia Files

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Wed Aug 20, 2003 11:10 am

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:I have seen a one-liner here and there about your thoughts on LoEG, but never a cohesive bit of prose that ties everything together.
Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.

Presuming:

1) I see Jason vs Freddy on Thursday, which I plan to do
2) Vitriola, who has seen it and claims that she will be writing a review of it, does not do the same "review gimmick" that I was gonna do

I'll have content on that movie by the weekend.

The League? Fuck the League.

"No! It'ssss meeeee! Hisss!" -- Dorian Gray

The kid was pretty freaky in that movie. Let's hope that she grows up ugly. You don't want a really hot chick to start out looking like a boy.

...

The fuck?

OK, that wasn't really a good example, as she never really looked like a boy. OK, how about this - the scene in the first Charlie's Angels movie, where the three chicks are dressed up as dudes. Your mind just starts tying itself into a knot.

"I don't watch movies. I don't watch anything." -- ICJ, after Forburn the Wily

Christ. Charlie's Fucking Angels? You went and caught that? Christ Almighty. You need less friends and a wife who isn't around the house as much. I am lucky to scare up a single person to catch a flick with, and you have a sufficient rogue's gallery to go see a movie like Charlie's Fucking Angels.

It has gotten bad out here. I didn't catch the Hulk or T3 yet. When Danzaland came out for a week a couple summers ago we went to the theatre like three times in seven days. Partially because he wasn't engaged yet and, hey, he's a good looking man, but secondly because finding a movie goer is precious out here. If 30 beers weren't tagging along to Freddy vs Jason and I wasn't fixing the PC of the person I am going to this with, I doubt even that would be open to me.

But you. You, Walrustitty. You're all "Yeah, I caught Charlie's Angels." And maybe you even caught it twice, what with how you're able to remember intricate plot details and everything.

Angrogeny is not really a good thing IMHO.

Androgyny, you halfwit. Also the name of a great Beaver song. Which isn't on-line, but should be.

Note to self: post "Androgyny" tonight.

Panic Room might make a good text adventure just because it's an interesting premise. However, it was very poorly exploited.

I thought it was OK. What did you find so objectionable about freaking Panic Room? You had better state that you were a fan of Forest Whitaker in it or else this -- ALL of this -- is over.

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Thu Aug 21, 2003 10:06 am

Yeah, I saw Charlie's Angels. So what? There are a lot worse movies out there to see. I did not catch, for example, Super Troopers, Freaky Friday, LoEG, Tomb Raider 2, Daddy Day Care, nor any Adam Sandler nor Jim Carrey movies.

My distaste of Panic Room comes from a cheeseball plot, gaping plot holes, and outrageous coinicidences.

Hey, if you buy a LoTR: Two Towers DVD, you can get $500 off a Chrysler Town & Country minivan. Bizarre crosspromotion.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Thu Aug 21, 2003 10:11 am

Super Troopers kicked ass. What the fuck? You understand that just because there were marijuana using teenagers in the movie's trailer, it did not mean that the movie promoted the recreational use of drugs, right? Those kids all get carted off to jail, Jeffie.

Jesus Christ, I've never seen a more repressed puritan in my entire life.

When the "Jolt Country" movie gets made one day, there is going to be a scene in it where you most likely give a lecture to a bunch of kids burning up the phat chronic. G. Apparently, if we even so much as refer to that scene in a back-handed way, you won't go watch the movie you'd be starring... well, let's be honest: co-starring in.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Thu Aug 21, 2003 1:55 pm

Yeah, I saw Charlie's Angels. So what? There are a lot worse movies out there to see. I did not catch, for example, Super Troopers,

I saw Charlie's Angels under pretense. I wasn't told where we were going, and had just enough time left before the movie after disclosure to well lubricate myself against it. I think I might have mentioned it here before, so I won't. I did see it at Mann's, tho, and that was kinda nice. Even tho they had a bunch of left speakers blown, and you could barely hear anything. They could not have shown, however, a more perfect movie for non-functional sound.

Now, Super Troopers, on the other hand, is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. If you miss out on that one, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself when you die one day, and there's nobody standing at the pearly gates ( I always think that should somehow be capitalized. I mean, I somehow think it should be capitalized. The first is wrong, because it implies that there are more than 1 way to capitalize something. If there was, tho, that'd be pretty cool.) because they're all in the back watching this movie. In fact, your statement has only served to make me want to watch it again. For read, G, give this one a chance.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:05 pm

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:nor any Adam Sandler

Punch-Drunk, baby. Punch-Drunk.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:07 pm

Speaking of that, I watched Punch-Drunk again last night, and it occurs to me that it is essentially the same movie as Magnolia, just half the length, and with frogs replaced with a harmonium.

Ex-Reader of Ben's SHIT · Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:14 pm

pinback wrote:Speaking of that, I watched Punch-Drunk again last night, and it occurs to me that it is essentially the same movie as Magnolia, just half the length, and with frogs replaced with a harmonium.

HOW ABOUT SOME SPOILERS maggot

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Thu Aug 21, 2003 2:31 pm

The harmonium shows up two minutes into the movie. Was it also a spoiler that I told you what the name of the movie was? And that Adam Sandler was in it?

Jethro Q. Walrustitty · Fri Aug 22, 2003 9:29 am

Jonsey: ??? I don't remember any drug reference. Hell, I love "Chappelle's Show" and that has a fair share of 'em. I also enjoy "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas" and more or less enjoy "Pulp Fiction." "Scarface", "Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels", "Snatch", "Casino", and "Goodfellas" have pretty decent amounts of drug use, as does "Robocop", and those are all movies I like. "Reefer Madness" is in my DVD collection, as well as "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" (despite being a pretty disappointing movie.) "Brain Damage" is one of my favorite quirky horror movies, and is basically a big drug allegory (complete with in-skull shots of addictive juice dripping onto the brain.)

Hell, I even have a short movie that features a real addict shooting real heroin into his really huge raw sore on his real leg.

So, your guess that I don't like it because of some pot reference in the trailer just doesn't "ring true". Granted, I have no respect for drugs users and anyone who does any kind of drugs past the age of 20 needs to grow the hell up... but it doesn't mean that I can't handle movies that feature drug use.

I don't much care for "retarded comedies" - hence, I don't watch Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler movies, and avoided Super Troopers for the same reason. Give me a comedy with some brains any day. ("Bowfinger", for example. Yes, I said it and I'll stand by it. Bowfinger, dammit!) No surprise that Pinback stands by any movie made by Pretentious Twat Anderson, though.

I did just buy the 20th Anniversary SE of National Lampoon's Vacation. Not sure where that one falls. This one and Christmas Vacation are both great, yet European Vacation and Vegas Vacation are absolutely unwatchable. Weird.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 10:15 am

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:I also enjoy "Fear & Loathing in Las Vega$ (and I should state that what happens in Vega$ stays in Vega$)"

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I don't much care for "retarded comedies" - hence, I don't watch Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler movies, and avoided Super Troopers for the same reason.

ST was not a "retarded comedy." Why did you think it was so? Because you saw the trailer. And only the trailer. And the trailer had a kid who was tripping in it. OH NOES IT MUST BE RETARDEDDEDEDED!!" Fuck you.

I did just buy the 20th Anniversary SE of National Lampoon's Vacation. Not sure where that one falls. This one and Christmas Vacation are both great, yet European Vacation and Vega$ (and I should state that what happens in Vega$ stays in Vega$) Vacation are absolutely unwatchable. Weird.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Jack Straw · Post by **Jack Straw** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:22 am

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:Granted, I have no respect for drugs users and anyone who does any kind of drugs past the age of 20 needs to grow the hell up...

Right. It's much better for children under 20 to do them all during their formative years.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:44 am

Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:anyone who does any kind of drugs past the age of 20 needs to grow the hell up...

Am I to understand that you do not partake of alcoholic beverages? Or am I to understand that you do not consider alcohol a "drug"? In which case, as ICJ once said:

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 2:46 pm

Jeff doesn't drink. He usually gives me crap about drinking everything from whiskey to water. It makes me want to go out and get myself some safeway brand safeway vodka. Too bad they don't have safeways in Rochester.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 2:55 pm

Jack Straw wrote:
Jethro Q. Walrustitty wrote:Granted, I have no respect for drugs users and anyone who does any kind of drugs past the age of 20 needs to grow the hell up...
Right. It's much better for children under 20 to do them all during their formative years.

I turn 30 on April 6th, 2004. I am "celebrating" by snorting as much cocaine as I can possibly get my hands... I mean, nose on. I have never done any sort of "drug" before, unless you're counting alcohol as a drug, as Pinner does up above. But ephredine isn't considered a "drug" yet, so there's that.

A few years ago I was hanging around a girl who, when I was at her place, told me she was going to get high after she put her two-year old daughter to bed. She offered me a chance to partake in this venture with her. I told her that I had never "rawked the chronic" before (don't worry, I am sure I didn't use that exact phrase, definitely something much much cooler) but stated that if I was going to do that, we were definitely hooking up afterwards, right? She informed me that this would not be the case. I then said that I couldn't just give away my "chroniginity" like that for nothing. She said she didn't care. So I then went and fucked the hell right out of her two-year old. Hey, someone was losing their virginity to something that night. It was destiny.

But yeah. Beginning of April. Me, a duffle bag of Columbian and all my bestest, estest friends. You're all invited. I want to celebrate my abstinence by breaking it. It'll be a moment that I would like to actually capture in a painting, but if I can't I'll just photoshop Jeff's head onto the protagonist of Munch's The Scream because, hey... that's what he's going to be looking like anyway.

Violet · Post by **Violet** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:04 pm

In a semirelated story. I smoked pot for the first time a couple of months ago. Afterwards Jeff found out about it and pretty much told me I was supporting terrorism. He gave the biggest guilt trip in the entire world. I don't think I can smoke it again, ever, due to that.

He also guilted me so bad I told my mom. She didn't even really care. After spilling my gutts to her she told me she had done it once. She said that once doesn't hurt anyone. It makes me think Jeff is overreacting. I mean mothers know all, right?

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:05 pm

Violet wrote:Jeff doesn't drink. He usually gives me crap about drinking everything from whiskey to water. It makes me want to go out and get myself some safeway brand safeway vodka. Too bad they don't have safeways in Rochester.

I'm coming up for a week to ensure that nobody rushes the stage when Danzaland gets married in October. There's a question that needs to be asked, Violet, and that question is:

"Is _Wegmans Vodka_ as good as _Safeway Brand 'Safe Way' Fantastic Flavors Vodka Drink_?"

I don't know the answer. None of us do. But I intend to find out.

Here's a likely plan of attack for that week, Violet:

October 3rd. Arrive in Rochester. Go to Danza's bachelor party (is this date confirmed?).

October 4th -- 6th: Recover from Danza's bachelor party. Apologize to all appropriate parties. Try to convince all attendees that I really got the lap dances from the most "exotic" and "beautiful" strippers, and not just the ones that wore their makeup the best.

October 7th: Happy Day! You, me, Straw, Kingsman, Samantha, Bugs, Vark, Loafergirl and LSG will all be over to LSG's and Jeff's house where we will be playing a new game that I invented. Unlike my other games, there will be no bugs present, unless it's a fly in the chardonnay. Let me explain. The game we will be playing is "Fallacy of Drinking While Jeff Clucks His Tongue Disapprovingly at Dawn." It's sort of a sequel to that silly video game reference thing I did a couple years ago. The rules are as follows:

Person 1 stares at Jeff, drinks Drink.
Jeff clucks his tongue disapprovingly.
Person 1 pours Person 2 a drink.
Jeff rolls his eys.
Person 2 stares at Jeff, drinks Drink.
Jeff clucks his tongue disapprovingly.
Person 2 pours Person 3 a drink.

You get points for the number of clucks, their volume and a BONUS MULTIPLIER for an audible "sigh."

It's the game that everyone can enjoy! Well, everyone except for everyone's livers, natch.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:08 pm

Violet wrote:In a semirelated story. I smoked pot for the first time a couple of months ago. Afterwards Jeff found out about it and pretty much told me I was supporting terrorism. He gave the biggest guilt trip in the entire world. I don't think I can smoke it again, ever, due to that.

Worst brother-in-law ever.

There are plenty of substances that you can put in your body that Jeff would disapprove of, like for instance, heroin, coke, PCP, LSD and Roody. Are you going to let a control fascist nazi summbitch like Jeff regulate those substances / people? A (godless, soviet) BABY'S LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE!

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:12 pm

Regarding this thread:

I pretty much have my fastball working, my splitter and spitter nibbling and biting, and my curve breaking at about a foot, straight down into the fucking dirt like I was pitching in the atmosphere of -- and drilling before game the ancient Goddess -- Venus. Climb on my back, denizens, I'll provide enough fucking content for every last one of us.

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:33 pm

Sorry, I was more on my game yesterday. This thread has only had the effect of making me:
1) Wonder what the hell I'm going to be doing for my 30th birthday, considering I don't even live anywhere, and might not by then...
2) Make me wonder why anyone would get married...
3) Make me realize that perhaps the only reason I am so against marriage is because I want my intended's friends to take him out for a bachelor party, and then the SAME FRIENDS of his would take me out to the SAME PLACE the next night for my bachelorette party. Because a) I hate women, b) I like looking at them, just not being friends with them c) I wanna go to a strip club and d) I wanna hang out with guys. I hate women. I hate women because I hate shoes. Women obsess over shoes. I have worn bowling shoes until the soles fell off out of spite.
4) Wonder how many trees of useless data I can put into a post...
5) Make me want to get drunk and high. And I don't really like getting high all that much, but there's a good song playing right now and there's something to be said for forgetting everything that what was I saying?

Jack Straw · Post by **Jack Straw** » Fri Aug 22, 2003 3:35 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote: I turn 30 on April 6th, 2004. I am "celebrating" by snorting as much cocaine as I can possibly get my hands... I mean, nose on.

Yeeech! Talk about a nasty, undesirable drug.. of course, with this comment:

But ephredine isn't considered a "drug" yet, so there's that.

I am now scared. Ephedrine is the precursor to meth. If you are partaking in ephedrine on more than a semi-regular basis then the fact that you're popping your drug cherry on coke is frightening. Try smoking a little pot, or possibly a light dose of mushrooms. Cocaine is not a good first drug.