Ice Cream Jonsey's Phalanx of Squoosh now presents for you... Jonsey's Women! Yes! Today's roundup of all the luscious, quivering female flesh that the PHALANX has currently targeted. This will be an ongoing series, as things become more (or even more likely, less) interesting.
Real Name: Unknown
Nickname: The Max Payne 2 girl
Picture :
How Met: She was on the cover of the September 2003 issue of Computer Gaming World
Pros:
- Nice eyes
- Attractive, slender waist
- Is in black and white
Cons:
- Is going to be in Max Payne 2: The Fall of Max Payne, and not just in one of the combat scenes, but the cutscenes. And we all remember how great the cutscenes were in the first one.
- Is an actress and probably nowhere near me
- Left the issue in the bathroom, where it encountered a glob of toothpaste
Possibility of Success: 94%. Oh, it's just a matter of time.
Real Name: Arcee
Nickname: Hot Rod's ... Fluid Dumpster
Picture:
How Met: I actually met her when I was growing up in lovely downtown Hilton, NY. She was on a favorite TV show of mine. I recently learned that she does exist, albeit it in more of a "doll" format than I had anticipated.
Pros:
- A heroic autobot who is fighting for righteousness in the galaxy
- Can handle herself in a firefight
- Is ridiculously tall in robot mode, and hey, who doesn't occasionally watch a WNBA game thinking, "I'd hit it"? It's like that. But with energon cubes instead of basket balls.
- Look at those lips. Just look and tell me your heart does not flutter like a moth to flame.
Cons:
- Could pick me up with one hand and crush me physically in a way that normal females only usually do emotionally
- Would likely run out of power during marathon sex(?) sessions, or whatever the autobot equivalent to sex is.
- Does not enjoy sarcasm.
Possibility of Success: 17%. I need to get my clicking finger in shape again for eBay first. Like HELL I am walking into a store and buying her "off the shelf."
Real Name: Unknown
Nickname: Stacy's Mom
Picture: None available
How Met: Listened to the 2003 Fountains of Wayne song "Stacy's Mom"
Pros:
- Well, Stacy's dad is out of the picture
- Gives flirtaceous signs to neighborhood boys, and in a way, I am sort of like a neighborhood boy. Well, a boy, anyway.
- It is my understanding that she "has it goin' on."
Cons:
- Exists only in a song...
- ...Sung by a guy. I mean, this is a deal breaker here, there's not even a female backup vocalist anywhere.
Possibility of Success: 0.00001%. Nobody's 100% straight, narmean? Wait, shit, would this even count? I... I don't want to know.
Real Name: Unknown
Nickname: The girl on the cover of the Black Crowes' album Amorica.
Picture:
How Met: College friend bought the album when it first came out.
Pros:
- Nice tan
- Possibly European
Cons:
- Danger of accidently listening to album contained within skyrockets
- Looks like... ah... she might have a "grooming" issue or two...
- Jesus Christ, it's just a mound of pubes on a jewel case.
Possibility of Success: 33%. Somebody please fucking shoot me.