[ARMY OF LOVE] Pinback's Women III

[pinback]

Welcome back to Pinback's Women, our ongoing series from the good folks over at the ARMY OF LOVE, where we get the latest weepy, faggy-ass stories about all the chicks that Pinback will almost definitely not be putting the stones to, except for that one bitch who basically never gets off her back in the first place.

And now, on we go!

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Name: Lily
Nickname: None available
Picture: http://www.montorusa.com/photo/lily2.jpg
STATUS: IN PROGRESS

Recent developments:
- Not a goddamn thing.

Possibility of Success: 1% (change: -4%)
Enthusiasm level: Very Low (was: Low)

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Name: Jana
Nickname: "Checky"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/jana.jpg
STATUS: IN PROGRESS

Recent developments:
- http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/date.html
- The AIM conversations have cooled noticeably since the above development.

Possibility of Success: 3% (change: -1%)
Enthusiasm level: Medium (was: Very High)

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Name: Lori Peddle
Nickname: None available
Picture: None available
STATUS: IN PROGRESS

Recent developments:
- Finally got the email back-and-forths going again.
- In my last letter, I sent a link to some pictures of me.
- Will we ever hear from her again?

Possibility of Success: 0.6% (change: +0.3%)
Enthusiasm level: Medium-Low (was: Low)

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Name: Christy Hofmann
Nickname: None available
Picture: None available
STATUS: PREPARATORY

Recent developments:
- Nothing

Possibility of Success: 0.3% (no change)
Enthusiasm level: Low (was: Low)

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Name: Sharon
Nickname: "Red"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/red.jpg
STATUS: TERMINATED

Recent developments:
- With every email, she just seemed to get bitchier and less interesting.
- So I had to cut her loose.
- You lose, baby.

Possibility of Success: 0% (change: -0.1%)
Enthusiasm level: None (was: Very Low)

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Name: Jessica Rose Campbell
Nickname: "Shortcake"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/jrc.jpg
STATUS: SKANKY WHORE

Recent developments:
- No visits, recently.
- She still plans to leave town in a few weeks.
- I better get my freak on at least once more with this bitch, or people are going to die.

Possibility of Success: 0% (no change)
Enthusiasm level: Nauseous (was: Homicidal)

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Name: Dayna
Nickname: "Vitriola"
Picture: None available (?)
STATUS: IN PROGRESS

Recent developments:
- Met her during the JC BBS Vegas Extravaganza
- Watched her cling to Jonsey most of the time
- But saw that unmistakeable look in her eye which can mean nothing but, "I really wish I could ditch this loser and hop on over to your Motel 6 instead."

Possibility of Success: 0.01% (no change)
Enthusiasm level: Uncomfortable (was: Drunk)

---

Name: April
Nickname: None available
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/april.jpg
STATUS: NEW

Pros:
- Appears to be pretty cute.
- Acts like she wants your boy here pretty goddamn bad.
- Has a fun personality, unlike certain Czechoslovakians I won't mention.

Cons:
- Has 10-year-old daughter.
- And two ex-husbands.
- Lives in Ventura (1.5 hours away from me).
- Possibly religious.
- Possibly dumber than dirt.

Recent developments:
- Will be meeting each other for a lovely dinner date tomorrow (Friday) night.
- Will most likely be offered the couch, should she feel like driving home that late at night would be unsafe.
- But we all know where that leads.

Possibility of Success: 18%
Enthusiasm level: Optimistic

---

This has been: Pinback's Women, a Pinback's Army of Love production.

[bruce]

Name: Jessica Rose Campbell
Nickname: "Shortcake"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/jrc.jpg
STATUS: SKANKY WHORE

Recent developments:
- No visits, recently.
- She still plans to leave town in a few weeks.
- I better get my freak on at least once more with this bitch, or people are going to die.

Possibility of Success: 0% (no change)
Enthusiasm level: Nauseous (was: Homicidal)

So, like, why don't you get some good pictures of her <i>naked</i> and post them here, eh? And where was it she was moving to, again?

Name: April
Nickname: None available
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/april.jpg
STATUS: NEW

Pros:
- Appears to be pretty cute.
- Acts like she wants your boy here pretty goddamn bad.
- Has a fun personality, unlike certain Czechoslovakians I won't mention.

Cons:
- Has 10-year-old daughter.
- And two ex-husbands.
- Lives in Ventura (1.5 hours away from me).
- Possibly religious.
- Possibly dumber than dirt.

Recent developments:
- Will be meeting each other for a lovely dinner date tomorrow (Friday) night.
- Will most likely be offered the couch, should she feel like driving home that late at night would be unsafe.
- But we all know where that leads.

Possibility of Success: 18%
Enthusiasm level: Optimistic

If only you'd gone to the CGE2K3 with us, you--and not me--could have gotten the three Wisdom Tree NES games. Yes, that's right, Christian-themed NES games. Those should appeal to both the "religious" and the "dumber than dirt" crowd.

Hmmm. Ten-year-old-daughter? She's not coming on the date, right? No, I don't really want to know.

Offered the couch? What the <i>FUCK</i> is wrong with you? Offer her the bed, and <i>you</i> take the couch. And if you aren't willing to do that, then don't offer to let her stay at all.

Christ, chivalry really is dead, isn't it?

Bruce

[pinback]

Well, we can't all be as smooth with the ladies as you, Brucey.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Offered the couch? What the <i>FUCK</i> is wrong with you? Offer her the bed, and <i>you</i> take the couch. And if you aren't willing to do that, then don't offer to let her stay at all.

Christ, chivalry really is dead, isn't it?

Ben, try out what Delarion did in Fallacy of Dawn and let me know if it works for you. I did not write that scene autobiographically or anything. I am genuinely curious.

(What Delarion did was tell some jokes before bedtime and then he took immediately took the beanbag while the girl he was sweet on had the whole of her canopy bed. After he had fallen asleep, the girl then came down to the bag with him.)

Oh, wait, you have a couch and not a beanbag, probably. It doesn't work then: she will think you're comfortable enough on the couch. I think the correct course of action is clear: burn the couch.

[bruce]

Well, we can't all be as smooth with the ladies as you, Brucey.

What <b>happened</b> in Vegas <b>stays</b> in Vegas, buddy.

Bruce

[bruce]

Well, we can't all be as smooth with the ladies as you, Brucey.

What <b>happened</b> in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) <b>stays</b> in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas), buddy.

Bruce

Hey, ICJ: thanks for making me look like a FUCKING MORON with your cute little automatic expander.

Cocknugget.

Bruce

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

gg

[pinback]

Best of JC.

[Freddie]

Well, we can't all be as smooth with the ladies as you, Brucey.

What <b>happened</b> in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)) <b>stays</b> in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)), buddy.

Bruce

Hey, ICJ: thanks for making me look like a FUCKING MORON with your cute little automatic expander.

Cocknugget.

Bruce

Bruce, how would you define the "magic" of what happens in Vegas staying in Vegas?

[Lysander]

What <b>happened</b> in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas))) <b>stays</b> in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) (and I should state that what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) stays in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas))), buddy.

Bruce

Hey, ICJ: thanks for making me look like a FUCKING MORON with your cute little automatic expander.

Cocknugget.

Bruce

Bruce, how would you define the "magic" of what happens in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) staying in Vegas (and I should state that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas)?

Funniest post he has, is, or ever will have made. Ever.

[Lysander]

I still wish to exact torture upon Shortcake via the creative application of dental floss and an english test. I will continue to mention this fact whenever it is creatively appropriate until something is done about the situation. In fact, I should get an automatic post I should make whenever "Shortcake", "Rose", "Jessica" or "Cambel" appears in a sentence just to make it happen faster. I'll get to work on that.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/date.html

Q: How do you know when you're in a room with a pilot?
A: He'll tell you.