Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

[Flack]

I went into 2022's Texas Chainsaw Massacre hoping for just one thing -- anything -- that wasn't horrible. It could have been the plot, it could have been a character, it could have been a single actor's performance... literally, anything. 60 minutes into this 82 minute bloodfest, my wish was granted.

The film's setup is muddied to the point of being nearly incomprehensible. Four idealistic 20-somethings have stumbled across the ghost town of Harlow, Texas (pop. 1974, yuk yuk yuk), which has been repossessed by the bank. Yes, the entire town. The four newcomers -- Dante, his girlfriend Ruth, Dante's friend Melody, and Melody's sister Lila -- have invited a group of investors on behalf of the bank to buy into the town in hopes of turning it into... something. The town is "a seven hour drive" from civilization so it's unclear who in the world would be interested in being involved in this. When the characters' motives are revealed, they're flimsy at best. Dante, the owner of a successful food truck, wants to open a restaurant on the corner of main street because gosh, who wouldn't drive 14 hours round trip for a sandwich? Mel is Dante's business partner, and Lila, Mel's younger sister, was the survivor of a school shooting. Ruth is there because she's hot and will look super sexy while getting stabbed.

Within five minutes the quartet runs into a creepy convenient store owner, two sheriffs who aren't happy about their arrival, an agitated redneck (who turns out to be the building contractor they've hired) and an old lady and her son living in one of the buildings, who are obviously Leatherface and his mother. While attempting to remove a confederate flag from the outside of the building, the group tells the woman she is trespassing and needs to leave. The woman has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital by the two sheriffs, the woman's son (again, Leatherface), and Dante's wife Ruth, because... I don't know? If you discovered a scary woman squatting on your property, two minutes later she had a heart attack, and she was being whisked to the hospital by two sheriffs and her son, do you really need to ride shotgun?

It's fair to say Leatherface -- who, and I'm being generous here, would now be in his mid-70s -- is none-too-pleased about the passing of his mother. And by "none-too-pleased" I mean he breaks the sheriff's arm and stabs him in the neck with his own arm bone before shooting the other officer, carving Ruth like a Thanksgiving turkey, and cutting his mother's face off so he can wear it. Senior citizen or not, Leatherface is back, and if there's one thing he doesn't like it's people keeping their blood and organs on the inside.

In one of the greatest dumb horror movie scenes of all time, Leatherface uses a sledgehammer to break through a wall in his new home and retrieve... HIS CHAINSAW. It's not even a regular drywall wall, but one of those old ones with wooden slats and plaster. We are being asked to believe that either Leatherface or his elderly mother, who relocated to this ghost town in order to form a new life, hid Leatherface's chainsaw inside a wall and then nailed up wooden slats and plastered over it. For what it's worth, the chainsaw -- I guess we're assuming it's the same chainsaw -- fires right up. A 50-year-old chainsaw. Have you ever owned a chainsaw? My chainsaw is the reason I have "how to rebuild a carburetor" in my YouTube search history. This film really missed the boat by not pursuing a chainsaw product placement.

Once again Leatherface is on the loose, and about an hour into the film, one of the greatest scenes in the history of horror movies takes place. Leatherface boards a party bus with his chainsaw, blocking the only exit. Immediately, half a dozen "influencers" whip out their phones, point them at Leatherface, and threaten him with "try anything and you're cancelled, bro." The next five solid minutes is a glorious scene of entitled cell phone warriors getting cut like pizza slices. It's beyond fantastic. Never before have I found myself cheering so wildly for a guy wielding a chainsaw. Bravo, Leatherface. We thank you for your service.

The film's dark horse is Sally Hardesty, who you may (but probably won't) recognize as the sole survivor of the original film. Hardesty has spent the past 50 years becoming a Texas Ranger and searching for the man who sliced and diced her friends in the 1974 original. Whether Sally intends to work with the new recruits or simply use them as bait is unclear, but one thing's for sure -- if you want to meet the business end of a chainsaw, Leatherface is happy to oblige.

PS: This movie tested so poorly with test audiences that it skipped theaters and went straight to Netflix.

[Jizaboz]

OK now this sounds awesome. Thank you very much for the review. I did not see Halloween 2 (Rob Zombie) until like 3 weeks ago. People told me back when it was released that was garbage.. not just reviewers. They were wrong. I thought it was an excellent movie and after watching it I promptly fired up the Hatred game and had a blast (heh-heh). People said RZ Halloween 1 was "too cruel to be fun".. obviously they have no idea of the concept of fun in the 1980s thru the early 1990s.

Yes, the thing with a 50-year old chainsaw is stupid. They should have just had him get another saw.. perhaps add a scene of an antique owner selling the same model and saying it's been maintained.. and leatherface spending the last of his cash to buy it. I'll watch this one!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Thanks, on e again, Flack. I had no idea they were remaking it, and it sounds entertaining enough.