[Phalanx of Squoosh] Jonsey's Women

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

"All I'm looking for is a kind soul, squooshy in all the right places." -- ICJ

Ice Cream Jonsey's Phalanx of Squoosh now presents for you... Jonsey's Women! Yes! Today's roundup of all the luscious, quivering female flesh that the PHALANX has currently targeted. This will be an ongoing series, as things become more (or even more likely, less) interesting.

Real Name: According to her nametag, "Sheila"
Nickname: The Girl Who Works Across The Street At the Safeway
Picture (Approximate):

How met: I moved into this Hell's Opera over the weekend and eventually felt what you humans oftentimes describe as "hunger." Attempting to acquiese to these unfamiliar pangs, I shambled south a few hundred yards and entered a Safeway. Upon my checkout was... she.

Pros:
- Cute, like Chyler Leigh.
- Commented nicely on the fruitiness of the "Safeway" Vodka I purchased
- Would be impressed by my bankroll, regardless of how many people and institutions currently owe me dollars in the thousands, because, fuck, she ain't working at a Safeway because she's a method actress.

Cons:
- May be a method actress
- I may have purchased toilet paper while in her line, which, I know everyone uses it, but c'mon.
- Works across the street from me

Possibility of Success: 27%


Real Name: Mary... shit, Batson, I think.
Nickname: Mary Marvel
Picture:


How met: I went into the comics store two weekends ago and purchased "Formerly Known as the Justice League #1.

Pros:
- Great body and smile.
- I love brunettes. I mean, I love them.
- Somewhat naive, meaning I can fucking cheat on her, narmean?
- Super strength and agility


Cons:
- As a fictional character, does not technically exist
- Would put her fist through my chest and rip out my heart if I actually did "cheat" on her
- So pure hearted and naive, that I have yet to actually put the lotion in the basket, even though she is a comic book character.

Possibility of Success: 56%



Real Name: I can only imagine.
Nickname: Cruella, Grand Witch of a Crimson Darkness
Picture (Artist's Approximation):


How met: Embarassingly, I started to log into "Friendster," which is sort of like Napster for people who, instead of being unable to pay for the latest Tool album, are instead giant tools themselves. The first thing that this girl told me was that she had been bitten and slain by a vampire after her junior prom and three days later, she rose from her grave Altered-Beast-style and now shirks from the sun.

Pros:
- Vampire powers, I guess. Being able to transform into mist means that I wouldn't have to give her a ride home after we got done shagging.
- I'm actually into the whole blood-running-down-my-back thing: getting scratched to all hell by a girl is kind of a turn-on
- Can end a date that isn't going well with a stake and mallet

Cons:
- May try to bite me
- May not in fact be a vampire, but instead an overly dramatic goth girl from the suburbs who doesn't even have the decency to develop albinoism


Possibility of Success: 9%



Real Name: Whatever Russian for "Heavinly Flower," I guess.
Nickname: "Galina," although that's probably a porn name and not a true nickname
Picture:


How met: "Met" is such a loaded term. Instead, let's use... encounter. I encountered her two minutes after getting my net connection at home restored, if you're digging my ditch here, and I think you are.

Pros:
-According to the SA thread, she's Russian. And I have always wanted to encounter a real Russian girl. Sort of my own way of contributing to the good fight that was the Cold War.
- Jesus Fucking Christ, look at those eyes


Cons:
- Is in porn, and Soviet porn at that
- Is probably addicted to heroin and a goddamn whore
- Have no idea where on the planet she actually is
- By stealing her "content," I've already got one strike against me


Possibility of Success: 0.03%


Real Name: Not a chance
Nickname: The Most Beautiful Girl In the World, as mentioned on www.montorusa.com/test
Picture:
You can't take one, her beauty cannot be captured on film

How met: Bounced around in my career enough times, ended up meeting her. So, purely met in a thousand-monkeys, thousand-keyboards type of way.

Pros:
- Simply passing her in the hall makes me weep like a baby
- Smart, gorgeous and funny

Cons:
- Still unable to actually "talk" to this person
- Way too good for me. I mean, seriously, not even on my best day.

Possibility of Success: 0.00%


This has been: Jonsey's Women, a wholly-owned subsidary of Ice Cream Jonsey's Phalanx of Squoosh.

[Violet]

I say go for the safeway girl Sheila. If anything you'll be able to get her employee discounts. That means more Safeway brand "Safeway" Vodka and what could be wrong with that.

Another problem, when it inevitably doesn't work out, you'll have to find a new Safeway. Decisions...decisions.

I know how to talk to minimum wage employees if you want some pointers. The secret language of the Safeway, "Price check on toliet paper!"

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

Sort of a "These are the Daves I Know", only with the "Daves" crossed out and the word "bitches" written in its place.

If you're into Russian porn, I hear that www.gnomeloaf.com is a good place to go for that sort of thing. Heh, heh, heh.

Who the hell is "Chyler Leigh"?

It's got to be something of a bummer that a cartoon character is the one most likely to be on your arm (and other appendages.) Though if you're going after cartoon characters, I say, go for the gusto - Wonder Woman (with her Wonder Twat), or Batgirl, or even that meat-starved slut fron Gen13, or the one from Danger Girl. Hell, through Lara Croft on the pile of fictional pink while yer at it.

[ChainGangGuy]

Embarassingly, I started to log into "Friendster,"

May we see?

[bot]

Hee-Hee!

And that goes for Pinback's army too. These things are gold, fellas.

I'd write my own if I had any skill and didn't have to pay 450 yen an hour at the goddamn internet cafe. I mean c'mon! 450 *yen*...

[LG]

Hook up with safeway girl, treat her like russian porn star girl (but do no assume whoredom and addiction).

-LG

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

There's a, ah, slight chance that some of that was "exaggerated," I should say.


Confidential to J. Kyle, Rochester, NY: Chyler Leigh is the first girl depicted in the thread. The theory was that, as I do not have a stash of photos of these women -- not in the least because some of them are made up -- I tried to approximate.

I hope this does not ruin the "magic" of the BBS for anyone. I know for a fact that most of the women in Pinback's thread are real, live, breathing females.

[Violet]

I saw another teen movie and I thought she looked better as a nerd. She is really cute though.

Mary Batson, hmmm...I think she could be my long lost sister. That I find frightening. I now have a body double, too bad she isn't a real person.

My ex-boyfriend looked just like Gary Sinise. That was a little horrifying. Gary Sinise with a ton of acne.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

My ex-boyfriend looked just like Gary Sinise. That was a little horrifying. Gary Sinise with a ton of acne.

YOU DROPPED A BOMB ON ME BABY

[Violet]

He looks more like Gary Sinise in The Stand. I met him online. His picture was really blurry. This is warning to all that online dating is not good. I couldn't get rid of him because I am too nice.

I managed to get some gutts when he called me on valentines day, drunk, bitching about some girl he used to like that he saw at a hockey game.

A word of advice it doesn't impress a girl if you talk about an ex all the time.

and seeing that picture of gary sinise gave me the creeps. I think I'm going to go watch some cartoons and get his face out of my head.

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

Confidential to J. Kyle, Rochester, NY: Chyler Leigh is the first girl depicted in the thread. The theory was that, as I do not have a stash of photos of these women -- not in the least because some of them are made up -- I tried to approximate.

Jesus, you're like the tech in that bad tech-vs-management joke. You told me something that is technically correct, but useless. I assumed that she was the girl in the picture.

But who the hell is she? What does she do? Should I have heard the name? (I have not.)

You have to remember, "hot chick" is not enough information. In today's world, Hot Chicks are getting out of the home more and more often, and finding lucrative careers in modeling, pop music, movies, tennis, volleyball, <strike>curling</strike> cheerleading, "lightweight" reporting, porn, and appearing on E!'s "Wild On..." show.

[Violet]

she's an actress...

http://us.imdb.com/Name?Leigh,+Chyler

She's my age. She looks five years older than me though, she's only 10 days older. Movie's will do that to a person, well not only that but the drugs and the smoking and the plastic surgery.

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

So, she's been in a few crappy TV shows and one crappy movie. (European title: "Sex Academy" - heh, heh.)

Basically, she's a nobody, then.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

She's too good looking to be a nobody.

[Worm]

Maybe she would of been a somebody if "That 80s Show" didn't croak.

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

She's too good looking to be a nobody.

She's a nobody with a professional makeup artist working on her. And Photoshop artists for the still photos, like the one you posted.

Your little Safeway Sweetie would probably look as good or better with the services of a pro dolling her up.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if you'll be able to fulfill your dream of having a chick who has loads of profesionally-applied makeup applied just so she can look good when giving you a hummer. And I don't mean an H2.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

She's a nobody with a professional makeup artist working on her. And Photoshop artists for the still photos, like the one you posted.

You say that as if it's a bad thing. She was also on "That 80s Show," you know.

Your little Safeway Sweetie would probably look as good or better with the services of a pro dolling her up.

That girl doesn't exist. I just made her up.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if you'll be able to fulfill your dream of having a chick who has loads of profesionally-applied makeup applied just so she can look good when giving you a hummer.

I... Jesus, that's downright scandalous. You know me frightfully well. Fuck.... Er, I don't really know what to say here. There's nothing really to argue about any longer.

[Jethro Q. Walrustitty]

She's a nobody with a professional makeup artist working on her. And Photoshop artists for the still photos, like the one you posted.

You say that as if it's a bad thing. She was also on "That 80s Show," you know.

You mean that show that nobody watches, the follow-up to the show that virtually nobody watches?

Might as well say that she was on the Torkelsons.

It's been about five months without CBS, ABC, NBC, or Fox in our house, and I haven't missed 'em for an instant.

Damn, the hardest thing about this dvorak kb layout is that not only are the letters all different, so is the punctuation. Period and comma in the upper left, etc.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

That 70s Show is funny. And believe me, this is coming from a guy who hates the 70s.

Ms Leigh was also on that one courtroom drama that existed for exactly one episode. One of the girls from 90210 was also on it, as well as the girl from "Rounders."

So far, Rybread Celsius has had a better run of content than that girl.

(Hey, what's up with the IF Scoreboard and/or Baf's listing him by his real name? WTF, are they all of a sudden the National Enquirer and looking to "out" people who specifically choose pen names?)

[Roody_Yogurt]

Yeah, I noticed that too about Rybread and didn't quite understand it. It's especially annoying because it doesn't recognize Rybread at all.