[ARMY OF LOVE] Pinback's Women.

[pinback]

Pinback's Army of Love now presents for you, Pinback's Women, today's roundup of all the luscious, quivering female flesh that the ARMY has currently targeted. This will be an ongoing series, as things become more (or even more likely, less) interesting.

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Name: Lily
Nickname: None available
Picture: http://www.montorusa.com/photo/lily2.jpg
How met: Company picnic last weekend, as guest of coworker Frank.
Extent of personal involvement: A nice time chatting at said company picnic.
Pros:
- Kinda cute.
- Seemed to dig me.
- HOT ASIAN CHIXXX.
- Available and looking.

Cons:
- Eczema.
- My coworker Frank's ex-girlfriend.
- Possibly dumber than dirt.

Possibility of Success: 14%

---

Name: Jana
Nickname: "Checky"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/jana.jpg
How met: http://la.matchmaker.com
Extent of personal involvement: AOL Instant Messenger
Pros:
- VERY cute.
- Enjoys chatting with me
- "Jana". Goddamn.
- From Czechoslovakia, so she's probably got a real hot accent too.
- Only a few blocks away.

Cons:
- About 1000 other Matchmaker (and real-life) losers vying for her time.
- Doesn't quite seem to latch on to my particular variety of humor
- Possibly dumber than dirt.

Possibility of Success: 2%

---

Name: Lori Peddle
Nickname: None available
Picture: None available
How met: Was ex-teaching assistant of a friend of my mother's.
Extent of personal involvement: Email.
Pros:
- Seems witty and bright enough.
- Writes a good email.
- Is purported to be quite good-looking.
- Likes sports bars and pubs.

Cons:
- I haven't actually SEEN her yet.
- She lives 3000 miles away.
- Well, that's it, but that last one's a biggie.

Possibility of Success: 0.8%

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Name: Christy Hofmann
Nickname: None available
Picture: None available
How met: Is related by marriage in some strange way, like, is my grand-aunt's husband's niece or something.
Extent of personal involvement: Email.
Pros:
- Local.
- Blonde.
- "Christy" is kind of a cute name.

Cons:
- I haven't actually MET her yet.
- She is involved in her church.

Possibility of Success: 0.3%

---

Name: Sharon
Nickname: "Red"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/red.jpg
How met: http://la.matchmaker.com
Extent of personal involvement: Email.
Pros:
- Love that red hair.
- Bright, literate.
- Local.

Cons:
- Is always "too busy working" to meet me.
- Probably a bitch.

Possibility of Success: 0.01%

---

Name: Jessica Rose Campbell
Nickname: "Shortcake"
Picture: http://home.earthlink.net/~pinback/jrc.jpg
How met: 2002 Halloween party.
Extent of personal involvement: Fucked her brains out all night and day.
Pros:
- I am in love with her.

Cons:
- Whore.

Possibility of Success: 0%

This has been: Pinback's Women, a Pinback's Army of Love production.

[gsdgsd]

Picture: http://www.montorusa.com/photo/lily2.jpg

I'm curious as to how you broached the subject of taking this picture. "I need to post something on a message board"?

- "Jana". Goddamn.
- From Czechoslovakia, so she's probably got a real hot accent too.

You, my friend, are in luck-- because posting on this very board is one of the foremost amateur experts on the Czechs. So if you need any Czech-related (or even, in a pinch, Slovak-related) conversational gambits (sample: "So I know this guy, through a message board, and he's fascinated by the Czechs, and if things don't work out between us, he'll happily fuck you"), JUST ASK.

- Likes sports bars and pubs.

I'd marry her based on that alone.

Greg

[pinback]

I'm curious as to how you broached the subject of taking this picture. "I need to post something on a message board"?

Well, the company picnic in question was offering free face/skin painting, which Lily happily took advantage of. I said, "Hey, we should preserve this artwork in photographic form! I will be sure to email the pic to you once I get it home, and will definitely not post it on any internet message boards, if that's what you're concerned about."

So if you need any Czech-related (or even, in a pinch, Slovak-related) conversational gambits

Hey, help me out here, bro. Gimme a good one to just perk her cute little ears up.

- Likes sports bars and pubs.

I'd marry her based on that alone.

Heh. Amusingly, my response back to that revelation in the subsequent email was, "Hey! You wouldn't want to, you know, marry me or anything would ya?"

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Heh. Amusingly, my response back to that revelation in the subsequent email was, "Hey! You wouldn't want to, you know, marry me or anything would ya?"

Hmm! Can't understand why she didn't melt into putty over that one. Hmmm-mmmmm!

[pinback]

Yeah. Excellent contribution there, Jonsey. Way to run a BBS.

[gsdgsd]

Hey, help me out here, bro. Gimme a good one to just perk her cute little ears up.

Do a little research first-- find out if she's Czech or Slovak (she'll likely (well, hopefully) be impressed that you're aware of the distinction). A few questions to ask (and these won't wow her with your wit, but they'll show an interest and gather intelligence): which part of the country (countries, now) is she from? How did she end up here?

Things the Czechs are known for: great beer, great hockey, great literature, Vaclav Havel. And beautiful women.

[bruce]

Well, as your lawyer, I would advise you to keep banging Shortcake while you work on baggng that Lily chick, who's way hotter than the blonde. The redhead is nice looking, but she probably <i>is</i> a bitch.

Or you could bring Shortcake to Vegas, to be savagely abused by us before being dumped in the gutter, "some sort of white substance leaking from every orifice"[0] and left to find her own way home, if you're feeling vindictive and shit.

Bruce

[0] Jay McIrney, <i>Story of My Life</i>

[gsdgsd]

And not to jinx you here, but if you do end up actually going out with the Czech chick, "Jseš tak krásná" is Czech for "you are very beautiful". Along with "pivo" (beer), that's about all I remember from my time over there.

[pinback]

find out if she's Czech or Slovak

Czech all the way, baby.

which part of the country (countries, now) is she from?

Yeah, except I already know this. PRAGUE, baby.

I'm going to end every sentence from now on with ", baby", baby!

[pinback]

Well, as your lawyer, I would advise you to keep banging Shortcake

Yeah, well, I already broke this off, so this is not happening.

Lily chick, who's way hotter than the blonde.

I do not, technically, agree with this.

The redhead is nice looking, but she probably <i>is</i> a bitch.

This I agree with.

Or you could bring Shortcake to Vegas

I have severed all communication, verbal or physical, with said whore. Wish I could help ya, buddy.

[pinback]

"Jseš tak krásná"

I'm gonna need a phonetic spelling of this, please.

[gsdgsd]

Czech all the way, baby.

Yeah, except I already know this. PRAGUE, baby.

Excellent, excellent. I can contribute a lot more than if she were, say, a Slovak from Kosice.

Well, I can tell you that Prague is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Ask her if she liked walking through the Mala Strana (so that you're not firing blind, here, it's a nice old neighborhood near the castle). If she likes beer (and if she's Czech, I hope to God she does) ask if she's been to U Fleku (famous brewpub that's been going for about 600 years now).

Of course, there's always the chance that she came over here because she hates Prague.

[gsdgsd]

"Jseš tak krásná"

I'm gonna need a phonetic spelling of this, please.

Best I can give you is "yesh tuk krahs-neh". The first word has an s-ish sound over the y and the e ... but I can't really replicate it (phoenetically, or in speech). "yesh" is pretty close, and in my experience, she'll figure it out.

Greg

[bruce]

"Jseš tak krásná"

I'm gonna need a phonetic spelling of this, please.

"Niiiiiiice Tits, Bay-beeee!"

Bruce

[gsdgsd]

"Niiiiiiice Tits, Bay-beeee!"

I should take this opportunity to tell Robb that now that he's living in Longmont (right?) and will be closer to Boulder, he should stop in at Marie's Restaurant on Broadway some day.

The connection to this thread might not be immediately obvious, but once he goes, he'll be able to connect the dots between Marie's, "Czech" and "tits".

Greg

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I should take this opportunity to tell Robb that now that he's living in Longmont (right?)

This is indeed correct. I am all moved in, baby!

And will be closer to Boulder, he should stop in at Marie's Restaurant on Broadway some day.

I'm gonna do just that! Once I get the dish up I will have no more "moving" escapades, seeing as how I am planning on forfeiting my deposit at the old place, baby!

The connection to this thread might not be immediately obvious, but once he goes, he'll be able to connect the dots between Marie's, "Czech" and "tits".

Haw haw haw! I can't wait! This is gonna be a good one, I can tell, baby!


___________________________________________
the dark and gritty....Ice Cream Jonsey, baby!

[pinback]

Let's try to stay on-topic, can we?

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Yeah. Excellent contribution there, Jonsey. Way to run a BBS.

I was debating between writing that message and just leaving the BBS for a week and a half for no adequately explained or explored reason.

Welcome back, by the way.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Let's try to stay on-topic, can we?

Sorry. I'll be on-topic from here on out, baby!

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

I have severed all communication, verbal or physical, with said whore. Wish I could help ya, buddy.

This is true. He mentions her on the front page of his website, currently, but by using a Led Zeppelin song to announce the current state of his feelings, he isn't verbally or physically communicating with her -- he's metaphorically communicating with her, and that's why Benjamin "Pinback" Parrish is a far, far greater man than I.

I still think you should have raged against that machine until Zack left the band, my friend. If nothing else, sex is a much better alternative to burning calories than riding your fruit bike like you were the fag kid from "Paperboy," or even more damningly, "Paperboy II." The best shape I was ever in in my life was when I was regularly giving electric thrash rides on the Robbie Roller Coaster to some poor, lost, female soul or another.