You Suck At Making Mashed Potatoes

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You Suck At Making Mashed Potatoes

Post by pinback »

Let's face it, you do! Sure, if you pile enough cheese and bacon in there, you can come up with something resembling something edible, but when it comes to just making plain old mashed potatoes -- perhaps the finest method of enjoying the potato's natural wonderfulness -- you really, really suck at it. Your shit ends up all lumpy and hard, or else it's just this sloppy, tasteless mess, probably with too much salt. Sure, you try to save it at the end by throwing some black pepper or chives or something on there, but by that time you have ruined it far too much for salvation. Like you always do, because you suck at making mashed potatoes.

It's embarrassing. For you, sure, but more for us who has to watch you, and, god forbid, taste the pile of garbage you wind up with.

Really pathetic.

But that's okay, we are going to give you a pass today, just so I can teach you, once and for all, how to make mashed potatoes that do not suck. It's not that hard, which makes it that much more disappointing how bad you are at it.

You are going to need some EQUIPMENT and some INGREDIENTS for this. --Yes?
someone from audience wrote:But I like my mashed potatoes lumpy, or with extra salt, or screwed up in some other fashion!
Shut up! You only think this because you have never had good mashed potatoes, only the terrible kind that you've been making for the last 20 years. Once you have these ("good") mashed potatoes, you will not go back.

Now, like I was saying, you're going to need some EQUIPMENT. Not many, but you'll need it.

EQUIPMENT
------------
1 large BOWL
1 vegetable PEELER
1 large POT
1 decent KNIFE
1 potato MASHER
1 STRAINER
1 BURNER on 1 STOVE

You will also need some INGREDIENTS:

INGREDIENTS
--------------
2 decent sized Russet POTATOES
4 tablespoons (half a stick) of BUTTER
3 tablespoons SALT
1/2 cup HEAVY CREAM
A supply of running WATER

See? There's just NOT THAT MUCH TO IT, so there's really no excuse for screwing it up as badly and for as long as you have.

Now listen, follow these instructions, and do not argue with me. You are not arguing from a position of strength. Have you tasted the crap you've been making?

1. I want you to take the BUTTER and CREAM out of the refrigerator and let it sit there on the counter while you do the rest of these steps.

2. I want you to fill the LARGE BOWL about halfway with COLD WATER.

3. I want you to use the PEELER to peel the POTATOES. But I want you to peel them ONE AT A TIME.

4. After completing the peeling of EACH POTATO, I want you to CUBE it into inch-wide cubes, with the KNIFE. I like to do this by cutting the potato in half lengthwise, then half lengthwise yet again, then cutting across in inch-long sections. And since I am good at mashed potatoes and you are not, you should do it the way I say. Then I want you to place the CUBES into the COLD WATER.

5. Now I want you to fill the LARGE POT about halfway with water, place it on the BURNER, and bring it to a BOIL.

6. I want you to then take 2 of the 3 tablespoons of salt and PLACE THEM INTO THE WATER.

7. Once the water is boiling, I want you to DRAIN the potato pieces that are in the cold water.

8. Now you're going to put the POTATOES into the BOILING WATER, and return the water to a FAIRLY RIGOROUS BOIL. Usually you'll want the burner on MEDIUM or MEDIUM-HIGH for this.

9. Now you will WAIT there for 20 MINUTES. By the time the 20 MINUTES are up the potatoes should be very tender, bordering on falling apart, but not quite. If you stick a FORK into one of the CUBES and there is ANY RESISTANCE, you leave those potatoes IN THERE!

10. Pour the pot into the STRAINER to STRAIN the potatoes.

11. Will you listen to me, because this part is very important. TURN THE BURNER OFF, but put the empty pot BACK on the SAME BURNER. Do not argue with me.

12. Drain the potatoes VERY WELL. Shake 'em around quite a bit. We want as much of the water OUT of there as we can!

13. Place the drained potatoes BACK INTO THE POT, which is ON THE BURNER. "But won't we burn the--" I SAID NOT TO ARGUE WITH ME.

14. In QUICK SUCCESSION, place the following ingredients INTO the POT: The cream! The remaining tablespoon of salt! And the 4 tablespoons of butter, cut into individual 1 tablespoon PATS!

15. Now you are going to take the MASHER, and MASH THE POTATOES. I am looking you directly in the eye when I say this: DO NOT MESS AROUND WITH YOUR MASHING. I want you to mash the BEJESUS out of these potatoes. I don't care if your mommy made them lumpy and that's how you like them. You only like them that way because you don't know anything about it. MASH like you've never MASHED before, and if at any point you even have the slightest doubt about whether you have MASHED enough, you have not MASHED enough.

The potatoes are now DONE. Do not add anything more. Do not do anything more, except spoon them out onto people's PLATES so they can EAT them.

You will not get a chance to EAT them because you will be too busy 1) accepting thanks from people who are so happy that you finally stopped sucking at making mashed potatoes, and 2) continually serving more potatoes to people, leaving none for you.

Congratulations! You now no longer suck at making mashed potatoes!
In the yard, not too far from the car.

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AArdvark
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Post by AArdvark »

I'm printing this out and my wife is gonna be pissed at you.




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HELL HATH NO FURY
AARDVARK

Vitriola

Post by Vitriola »

We aren't supposed to add a boatload of salt, but you can add 4T of butter?

Nay, bitch. Boil those cubes, and mash them. Then you add them back to a low heat, add about 1-1.5T butter, and a large splash of milk (1/8 cup or so), a good pinch of salt. Oh, by the way, did you peel those bitches? Who the fuck would do that? Yes, potatoes are the most chemically intensive crop out there, but if you pay an extra dollar or 2, you can get organically grown ones. Leave that shit on there. It's good for you, and tastes great, but you do have to make sure that they are cooked enough, which they will be if you pay attention.

Now you can really enjoy some mashers, I don't care what that assclown says.

DO NOT FUCKING ADD GARLIC.
Last edited by Vitriola on Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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AArdvark
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Post by AArdvark »

Don't use Russets, they are for baking. For the best mashed use Katahdins. Grown in Maine. Super yum factor.


This tidbit is after a 12 second consultation with my wife, quite possibly the best judge of potatoes I have ever met.


THE
EYE OF POTATO
IT'S THE FEAR OF THE BLIGHT
RISING UP FROM THE GROUND
IT'S A TUBER
AARDVARK


*name that tune

Vitriola

Post by Vitriola »

Right, Russets are not that tasty, but I have never heard of these Katydids. I will look for them!

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

I too have opinions on potatoes, and
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by pinback »

Oh, I guess you're all right. I don't know what I was talking about! Sorry for the misinformation.

I will try all of your interesting new potato recipes! Please disregard my original post.

(Except maybe Jonsey, you can not ignore my post and put it on the front page, since I am the ONLY FUCKING SOURCE OF NEW CONTENT ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER ANYMORE, since the rest of you FUCKBAGS have consigned yourselves to 1) talking about political horseshit, and 2) naysaying whatever the fuck anybody else says, because you're too fucking deadbrained to come up with any new content, you idiots. FUCK you. And peel the fucking potatoes.)
In the yard, not too far from the car.

Vitriola

Post by Vitriola »

Do NOT peel the goddamn potatoes and save yourself the calories by just adding some milk instead of cream, and 1-1,5T butter instead of 4. You wanna DIE???

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Post by pinback »

NO, I WANT TO EAT FUCKING DECENT MASHED POTATOES.

Go ahead, keep shoveling down your slop. It don't hurt my feelings none!
In the yard, not too far from the car.

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Ice Cream Jonsey
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Post by Ice Cream Jonsey »

pinback wrote:Oh, I guess you're all right. I don't know what I was talking about! Sorry for the misinformation.

I will try all of your interesting new potato recipes! Please disregard my original post.

(Except maybe Jonsey, you can not ignore my post and put it on the front page, since I am the ONLY FUCKING SOURCE OF NEW CONTENT ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER ANYMORE, since the rest of you FUCKBAGS have consigned yourselves to 1) talking about political horseshit, and 2) naysaying whatever the fuck anybody else says, because you're too fucking deadbrained to come up with any new content, you idiots. FUCK you. And peel the fucking potatoes.)
They are really just offering their take on it as well, you know.

If you were able to write the post in a certain tone, why can't other people talk about taters in a similar way?

It's like you resent being challenged on potato authority. People are just talking!
the dark and gritty...Ice Cream Jonsey!

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Post by pinback »

That's a good point. Okay! Let's talk potatoes!

(Although even you, ICJ, must admit that it's easier to just fire back snarky replies to everything anyone writes than to actually, you know, take the time to come up with something front-page-worthy.)

(Because it's all about the front page with me anymore.)

(I guess I'm saying that I'm "above" all you regular BBS people.)

(And by "above" I mean "highly superior to".)
In the yard, not too far from the car.

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Knuckles the CLown
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Post by Knuckles the CLown »

I dont like my food "mashed". I will not tolerate mashed potatoes.
the last group complained, quite tellingly They said, "Why don't you have a spoon that just says 'Earth?' It would save time

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Post by AArdvark »

Needs more firecrab



And speaking of content, is any content good content? I mean, does anyone want to know the intimate details of the baloney sandwich I had for lunch? Or the small rock wall I just put in my backyard? Or the cat I have that chews wires like a rabbit and the chemical spray that I have to apply to ALL the cords and wires in my house to keep said cat from being zapped? Does anyone really really want to know those things?



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Re: You Suck At Making Mashed Potatoes

Post by Finsternis »

> i

You are carrying:

1 large BOWL
1 vegetable PEELER
1 large POT
1 decent KNIFE
1 potato MASHER
1 STRAINER
1 BURNER on 1 STOVE

> turn on oven

What do you want to turn on oven with?

> turn on oven with knob

The oven is on.

> poke holes in potatoes with fork.

You don't have a fork.

> open drawer

You open the drawer.

> get fork from drawer

You get a fork from the drawer.

> poke holes in potatoes with fork.

The potatoes now have holes in them.

> place potatoes in oven

You place the potatoes in the oven.

> pour cream down drain

You pour the cream down the drain.

> Throw butter in garbage can

The butter is now in the garbage can.

> wait

You wait for a while.

> wait

You wait for a while.

The potatoes are now baked.

> remove potatoes from oven.

You now have two baked potatoes.

> eat potatoes

Ow! The potatoes are hot! You burn yourself.

You have died.
"I’d rather have questions I cannot answer than answers I cannot question."

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