Jolt Country

Let's go.

Let's go. Let's GO. LET'S GO.

GODDAMMIT, LET'S GO MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

(Let's go.)

BUMP!

Will the 2012 Masters Thread feature all the hard-hitting, in-depth coverage we've come to accept over the years?

We'll see. Probably not. But it's on.

What-- what do people want to hear? Do you want me to be Tiger-centric? Are there other players you're interested in?

This is YOUR Masters thread, friends!

I always appreciated the thoughtful player analysis to get us who aren't such staunch fans of the sport up to speed with the proceedings served alongside the continuous Tiger reports and daily reports. It was perfectly paced for those who want a little bit of everything -- it was like a buffet, it was like a Ryan's. We'd stuff ourselves silly on the TigerCast coverage! And since the Fatass Challenge group has been quietly dissolved like an extra pat of butter into a rich gravy, I'm ready to belly up to the golf trough.

pinback wrote:Are there other players you're interested in?

Well, I dunno... I can hardly keep track of even a handful of players. Wasn't there someone who was left-handed and was supposed to "fuck off"? I think I got that right. Am I right?

Sorry, I got nothin' for ya this year.

It was supposed to be the ultimate showdown between the old guard (Tiger & Phil) and the new upstart (Rory McIlroy).

Tiger and Rory are lost in the middle of the pack, Phil is a few shots back.

This is LEE WESTWOOD's time to finally win a major! He's in the lead by 1 after round 1!

Let's all hear it for...

LEE WESTWOOD!

DISAPPOINTMENT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Rory's up there. The 50 year old BOOM BOOM Fred Couples is LEADING the Masters. This is the thing to root for, if you're following.

Phil rebounded nicely from yesterday and is just three back.

It's a crowded leaderboard.

And Tiger had one of the worst rounds I've ever seen him play. Sad and pathetic.

SAD AND PATHETIC.

1. Sad.




2. Pathetic.

Round 3 Update
-----------------

Phil wins.

Holy shit. Dude is at 2 under, well out of the lead, making the turn (that's "finishing the 9th hole" to you non-golfers).

Back nine? Puts on a fucking clinic. Four birdies and an eagle, and now he's alone in second, with "Peter Hanson" the only golfer ahead of him, by a single shot.

Norm MacDonald had a short-lived, ill-advised sports talk show on Comedy Central. Though I agree with everyone that it's probably better it's off the air, I will now steal one of his best lines:

When Peter Hanson was asked what he felt his chances were to win the Masters on Sunday, he replied, "Who the hell is Peter Hanson?"

Exactly.

So, pick up your jacket, Phil. The only way to lose it now is to completely fall apart on Sunday, and nobody wants to see that.

(I wouldn't mind seeing that, but I no longer have the hatred of Phil I once did. Much like those in the Arnie-Jack days, by the end, no matter how much you were a fan of one and hated the other, you started to like both of them, because they're becoming the last of their generation, stirring up memories of when life was fun and not just a continual chore to pick up dog shit.)

This would be Phil's fourth green jacket, which would tie Arnold Palmer, and, somewhat unbelievably, Tiger Woods.

So get your pimento cheese sandwiches ready, pull up a chair tomorrow and watch the coronation of the Second Best Player Of Our Time.

(Also, even if you don't care about golf, tune in just for five minutes to look at that golf course. Look at it. It's the most beautiful golf course -- NAY, TRACT OF LAND -- in the world, by a factor of at least three. Unreal. UNREAL, what those racist, sexist yahoos are able to put together every year.)

Second best golfer of-- oh. I misread that. I thought you were saying of All Time.

Let's say he wins tomorrow. TigerCast2K12, where does FIGJAM rank?

The most interesting thing about this to me is that I didn't really think people watched golf.

My god there were a lot of commercials during that tournament. We were at a bar that had the show on (with the sound turned off) and all I saw between shots of green green lawns were uppity white folks shilling upscale crap


THE
TARGET AUDIENCE
AARDVARK

Aardvark's comment is the worst I've seen on here in a while. There are still virtually ZERO commercials played during the Masters, particularly compared to any other sporting even on broadcast TV, and primarily due to the Martha-Burke-blackout which occurred several years ago and the effects of which are still (thankfully) being felt today. Calling out one of the greatest things about the broadcast (virtually zero ads) as one of the worst shows that, well, Vark is just making shit up, or he watched on some bogus pirate channel, or has not watched broadcast television at any time during the past thirty years.

Anyway, that was fucking epic. Oosthuizen nails the World's Greatest Golf Shot Of All Time, the albatross at #2, and then desperately tries to hang on the rest of the day, only to be outdone by a big dopey guy named Bubba at the second playoff hole...

Man.

If you didn't like that, you don't like golf.

(You don't like golf.)

Also, thanks to Phil for fucking everything up with a triple-bogey six on the fourth hole and making this interesting. You old dope.

What's your take on the commenting around here lately, Pinner? It seems you're starting a lot of threads, and people are immediately telling you why you're wrong.

Also, it's "Master's." HTH.

I feel like everyone here is always wrong about everything, until I call them on their bullshit.

That's my TAKE.

The quip about not watching broadcast television is relatively accurate, btw.

Isn't Augusta the course where women or African Americans are not allowed to use?

Other than that it was swell

AArdvark wrote:The quip about not watching broadcast television is relatively accurate, btw.

Isn't Augusta the course where women or African Americans are not allowed to use?

Other than that it was swell

Anyone can play there. Only men can be members.