Jolt Country

Welcome to our new feature, Frozen Chicken Review, where I will be reviewing all varieties of frozen chicken, all available at your local grocery mart and/or general store!

I think this'll be fun for everyone. Don't you think this'll be fun for everyone? No? Well. Screw you, start your own goddamn feature, then. Why do I have to do all the hefty lifting? After ten years in this hole why the FUCK AM I STILL THE ONLY ONE TRYI--

Alright, this is not how I wanted to start this out. I'm letting that go. Let's just get to the point of the feature. Let's REVIEW FROZEN CHICKEN!!

The first frozen chicken we will be reviewing is:

Shit. I didn't keep the bag so I'm not sure what it's called. I think it's... like... Kroger-brand? Hold on a second.

Oh. It was Safeway. I forgot I got 'em from Safeway. Anyway, the first chicken is:

SAFEWAY SELECT MANGO HABANERO WINGS

(There was no picture online available of the wings.)

These wings come in a resealable bag, which is hilarious, because your fat fucking ass is never going to just cook a few of these wings, you're gonna dump the whole bag onto a cookie sheet and go to town! Of course you are.

PREPARATION: Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray! Dump wings onto the sheet! Put in 350 degree oven for a half an hour! Realize that's not nearly long enough to get them crispy, so crank up the oven to 400 and go another 20 minutes. Realize that they're never going to get crispy, so give up, take the sheet out, and realize that you're only going to be eating half of these wings, because the other half is going to remain welded to the "non-stick" cookie sheet for the remainder of time!

TASTE: I thought these wings were delicious! The sweet tang of mango, and enough habanero heat that you might look at the wing and say, huh, I didn't think any frozen store-brand item of any type would be this hot! Not overwhelming, but a hell of a kick!

TEXTURE: The meat itself was fall-off-the-bone tender and really quite wonderful. I've decided that from now on I will only enjoy meat that can be described as "fall-off-the-bone tender". Thank you. The skin was the major problem with these wings. They were not crispy, and there's no way to get them crispy, so they end up a little off-puttingly soft, wiggly, and slimy. Fortunately, most of it is going to stick to your non-stick baking sheet, so you don't have to worry about it much.

OVERALL: Look, you're not going to confuse these with properly fresh-fried wings and a lovingly prepared artisan sauce, but for a bag of food that I bought ironically, by the time it was over, I had enjoyed them non-ironically and looked forward to enjoying them again!

SCORE: I give Safeway Select Mango Habanero Wings a score of: 6 PIECES OUT OF 8



(See, I'm-- it's based on parts of a whole chicken. Like, a chicken has 8 parts? Generally? Alright, I might work on that one a bit.)

I am replying to this thread next.

OK, here are my thoughts. I don't get "sweet" wings. Mango shouldn't be near chicken wings. And I'm -- is he going to do it?

Is he?

IS he?

IS HE?

Yes! I am going to play the, "I am from western New York and I know chicken wings card."

Anyhoo, I know what good chicken wings are like, and those sound corpsefuck-terrible.

Deep fryer instead of cookie sheet. It's the only way to go.

more skin, more crunch



THE
CRISPY
AARDVARK

Wow, those are two of the worst replies this new feature could have hoped to receive!

AARDVARK: Couple things, bro! 1. You realize, these are PRE-SAUCED wings that you're buying frozen in a bag. Ever try to deep-fry PRE-SAUCED, FROZEN WINGS? Of course not, otherwise you wouldn't have made that ridiculous suggestion. 2. I already said, right there in the review that of course you're not gonna get the same texture as you would with fresh, fried wings. That's part of the deal. Everyone KNOWS it's part of the deal. This is FROZEN CHICKEN REVIEW, not "the everyone say why everything else is better than frozen chicken roundtable".

ROBB: People have been eating chicken wings since before New York was even invented, and many of those cultures are known for combining sweet and spicy flavors, mainly as a preservative, because refrigerators didn't exist, because New York hadn't even fucking been invented yet.

This is FROZEN GODDAMN CHICKEN REVIEW. If you wanna chime in with some reviews of frozen chicken, or offer other opinions on frozen chicken I have reviewed, I heartily encourage that!

But this is not the fucking place for "spew negative shit about stuff I've never eaten guy" and "I know how to do it better, even though I obviously didn't read and/or understand the whole point of the thread guy".

Got it?

Fuckin' guys. Jesus. This is bogus, and this behavior is unacceptable.

How much did the bag of wings cost?

How many wings were in the resealable bag?

How do they compare to an order of Little Caesar's "Hot and Ready" wings (8 for $5), none of which come stuck to a cookie sheet which makes all 8 of them edible.

Flack wrote:How much did the bag of wings cost?

'bout $8.

How many wings were in the resealable bag?

'bout 12.

How do they compare to an order of Little Caesar's "Hot and Ready" wings (8 for $5), none of which come stuck to a cookie sheet which makes all 8 of them edible.

Don't know. For one, they are FROZEN (see TITLE OF THREAD), and I don't think LC offers mango habanero wings but I could be wrong there because HAHAHahah has anyone actually gone to a Little Caesar's since like the mid-eighties? HAhahAhahaa.

Little Caesar's now offers wings in the following flavors: Buffalo, Lemon Pepper, Teriyaki, Garlic Parmesan, BBQ, Spicy BBQ, Bacon Honey Mustanrd, Oven Roasted and Mango Habanero.

As I mentioned, you get 8 for $5 @ 62.5 cents per wing. Your frozen ones are $8 for 12 which makes them 67 cents per wing, but if only half of them are edible, that makes them $1.33 each. Winner, Little Caesar's.

Little Caesar's wings are also part of their "Hot and Ready" menu, which means no waiting. Simply pull up to the drive-thru, order wings in one of the delicious flavors I already mentioned, pay them less than you would pay for wings at Safeway, and drive away. No parking, no shopping, no cooking, and no burnt dead chicken remains on your cookie dough sheet.

Also, I suppose if you want to recreate the poor experience of the Safeway wings, you could buy the superior wings from LC and then freeze them and try to reheat them if you wanted them to taste yucky and reheated like the other ones you bought.

I think the winner is clear here.

Pizza Pizza.

I thought I just got finished saying that this is not THE EVERYTHING IS BETTER THAN FROZEN CHICKEN FUCKING ROUNDTABLE.

Is--

Know what? Fuck all you guys. Once again, I tried to bring you something beautiful, and you all just couldn't wait to SHIT ALL OVER IT.

Thanks. You're killing eSports, and you're killing JC. CONGRATS BLIZZ.

Is a frozen, dead chicken really beautiful?

Frozen chicken wings:



vs.



Search your feelings, Pinback. You know it to be true. Had you been there, they would have killed your chickens too, and your wings would now belong to the Empire.

Flack wrote:Search your feelings, Pinback. You know it to be true.

I thought Pinback's father was dead. When did you become his father? And did you cut off his arm?

OK, I will pose a question, this one rather more pertinent than the offhand deep fryer comment.

Why did you buy frozen pre-sauced chicken wings when a single phone call will bring hot and delicious deep-fried wings right to your door?

Based on your first choice of frozen wings, will the next selection be better? Is the price a factor when buying frozen wings?

The chicken wing food product as we know it was invented in Western New York.

That doesn't really mean that you can't get good wings elsewhere, but I have my doubts about finding them in your grocer's freezer.


THE
ON TOPIC
AARDVARK

pinback wrote:Wow, those are two of the worst replies this new feature could have hoped to receive!

I know! I know. Even as I was typing it up I felt bad. Well no longer. Pinner, let's save this thread!

AARDVARK: Couple things, bro! 1. You realize, these are PRE-SAUCED wings that you're buying frozen in a bag. Ever try to deep-fry PRE-SAUCED, FROZEN WINGS? Of course not, otherwise you wouldn't have made that ridiculous suggestion. 2. I already said, right there in the review that of course you're not gonna get the same texture as you would with fresh, fried wings. That's part of the deal. Everyone KNOWS it's part of the deal. This is FROZEN CHICKEN REVIEW, not "the everyone say why everything else is better than frozen chicken roundtable".

Yeah you tell im Pinner!

ROBB: People have been eating chicken wings since before New York was even invented, and many of those cultures are known for combining sweet and spicy flavors, mainly as a preservative, because refrigerators didn't exist, because New York hadn't even fucking been invented yet.

You're right, of course. This was unfair of me. I thought it would be better if there was a shitty post here rather than NO posts. I retract my earlier statement, and I didn't know that other cultured ever tried eating chicken wings. Since Americans have mostly fucked it up and we're smart, I assumed the rest of the world would put them on the edge of their pikes and spears and shit.

This is FROZEN GODDAMN CHICKEN REVIEW. If you wanna chime in with some reviews of frozen chicken, or offer other opinions on frozen chicken I have reviewed, I heartily encourage that!

OK. OK. OK. I retract what I said AGAIN. I was in the wrong.

But this is not the fucking place for "spew negative shit about stuff I've never eaten guy" and "I know how to do it better, even though I obviously didn't read and/or understand the whole point of the thread guy".

Got it?

Yes. I got it.

Fuckin' guys. Jesus. This is bogus, and this behavior is unacceptable.

Let's put all this beside us, like the "Health of the Mother." What other forms of chicken do you have your eye on to cook on a cookie sheet?

Flack wrote:Little Caesar's wings are also part of their "Hot and Ready" menu, which means no waiting.

Whoa, is that what that means? I never took that literally. You're saying I could go to a Little Caesar's, to the drive-through, say, "Give me a fucking pizza" and within minutes I will be driving away with one?

Is that what you are saying?

AArdvark wrote:Why did you buy frozen pre-sauced chicken wings when a single phone call will bring hot and delicious deep-fried wings right to your door?

There's that word again. WHY.

New rule, everyone. For ONE WEEK, the only person who can ask why is MODEMJANE. For anything. No more asking why until December 20th.

Based on your first choice of frozen wings, will the next selection be better? Is the price a factor when buying frozen wings?

Oh... this was actually an interesting question. I may have spoke too soon.

Fuck it. NOBODY ASKS WHY FOR A WEEK*


*Except for that spammer I want to break my dick off in.

AArdvark wrote:OK, I will pose a question, this one rather more pertinent than the offhand deep fryer comment.

Why did you buy frozen pre-sauced chicken wings when a single phone call will bring hot and delicious deep-fried wings right to your door?

Are you really gonna be that guy? This was the one website on the internet that I felt safe going to avoid UMM WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? guy. And now, right here in my HOME, where my WIFE SLEEPS, where my CHILDREN PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS, you're going "UMM WHY" on me. This is inexcusable.

Inexcusable.

This is FROZEN CHICKEN REVIEW! Not "WHY OTHER THINGS ARE BETTER THAN FROZEN CHICKEN ROUNDTABLE". I've said this three times already, and you STILL 1) don't get it, 2) don't understand the difference between diet and regular tonic water.

Not your best day here, Vark. Not your best.

Vark's best forum day was April 22nd, 2005!

Alright, fuck all y'all. This is FROZEN CHICKEN REVIEW, and I'm going to review some fucking frozen chicken. Don't like it? Don't know WHYYYY I'd eat frozen chicken instead of fresh? Know somewhere you can get BETTER CHICKEN? Got some other shit to pollute this place with? DO NOT CARE. Came to review frozen chicken, gonna review frozen chicken.

Today's frozen chicken is:

FOSTER FARMS BOURBON CHICKEN



PREPARATION: Threw the "chicken breast fritters", as they are called, on a baking sheet, lined with foil this time so it wouldn't completely ruin the damn thing. Instructions recommend 350 for 15 minutes, which is a JOKE. Shit wasn't even borderline LUKEWARM by that time. My oven sucks, yes, but these instructions are... they're dreaming. Basically went 400 degrees for 40 minutes, in one more desperate attempt to make the "crispy batter" crispier than a bowl of cornflakes that's been sitting in milk for three hours. FAILED, by the way -- the only crispy parts could also be described as "burned".

TASTE: Friends, I know bourbon, and there's no bourbon here. I would describe it as a slightly sweet, slightly savory batter which does impart that special "comfort food" taste to the proceedings, and makes it so while you're bemoaning the fact that they're not all that great, and not all that crispy, you realize that you (meaning me) could eat about three bags of these goddamn things without stopping or... wait for it... asking WHYYYYYYY.

TEXTURE: The chicken itself is, while not fall-off-the-bone tender, nice enough. However, it is covered in a thick layer of squooshy batter, which is too bad. Also, many of the "fritters" are so small that you're actually basically just eating a ball of batter, with perhaps a hint of chicken flavor from where one of the larger pieces touched it on the baking sheet.

OVERALL: As you can tell, I don't particularly find this to be a quality product. And yet, as I said, I could eat these things, and nothing else, for about a week straight without getting bored. I could.

I could.

And I don't know WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

I give Foster Farms Bourbon Chicken THREE CHICKEN PIECES OUT OF EIGHT.

While out at Pizza (Pi symbol to make it sound like Pizza Pie), the person getting our group order calls to ask which kind of wing to get. The choices were mild, honey bbq, cajun, and nuclear. There were no choices between mild and nuclear, so nuclear came home. From what I heard the guy at the counter was all 'But they're HOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT' in the voice of the Asian guy from the Hangover. Boy howdy were they hot. Ate 1 wing a day for the next week. Fuck mild.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:

Flack wrote:Little Caesar's wings are also part of their "Hot and Ready" menu, which means no waiting.

Whoa, is that what that means? I never took that literally. You're saying I could go to a Little Caesar's, to the drive-through, say, "Give me a fucking pizza" and within minutes I will be driving away with one?

Is that what you are saying?

Not within minutes -- within seconds! "Hot and Ready" means literally that. They're hot, and ready.

Also, good news! I called tonight and was told that it is possible to buy Little Caesar's wings frozen from the store. Pinback, I would like to request that you do this and compare them to the other crappy wings you've been eating. I think you will see the light.