Jolt Country

Tiger has won five tournaments this year, over twice anyone else's win total, and playing about half the total number of tournaments. But none of them have been majors, so it's clear to see that if he doesn't win this one, we will all have to go kill ourselves.

That's how important this thread is!

Tiger tees off in 14 hours. Stay tuned!

7 hours.

Last time I posted on a BBS drunk, I got banned from it. Let's see what happens this time.

(subsim.com, 3 night previous.)

Did they have a rule against posting drunk? I have a story and an opinion if so.

Apparently the folks over at "subsim.com" have a problem with posting a link to an enthusiastic young man trying to simulate a sub mission in real time.

Yeah, that's beyond the scope of what they're likely to do over there.

I really should give this place a theme. Look at all the losers over on subsim dot com. They're not better than us!

They're not better than us!

They're a lot better than us.

Hey, anybody know where Tiger is on the leaderboard after his round today?

Ah, crap. I forgot we can't do guest postings anymore THANKS JACK STRAW. I was gonna be "1" and reply "1".

I would never post to a BBS that says I can't be drunk.

Would take away half the fun.


THE
H202
AARDVARK

pinback wrote:Ah, crap. I forgot we can't do guest postings anymore THANKS JACK STRAW.

Huh?

You're welcome... I guess?

It's the whole Blue-child -support- concert- ticket thing.


THE
LITIGATION
STATE
AARDVARK

But enough about Jack Straw ruining Jolt Country yet again. Let's get to the:

PGA Championship First Round Update

Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods fans don't have to suffer through much, but one of the things we do have to suffer through most of the time is lackluster starts in majors. Every major, he comes in touted as the man to beat (true) and that if anyone else wins it would be a miracle (not true), and then more often than not, my man tends to lay a bit of an egg on Thursday. That's okay, makes the rest of the week more interesting (see 2008 US Open thread.)

But, sure would be nice to get off to a hot start once in a while. Well, with that in mind, let's take a look at the challengers this week.

As usual, I will immediately discount anyone behind Tiger in the standings, since I don't remember anyone ever catching him from behind in a major, since 1998. So let's run down the list of those tied with, or ahead of Tigs:

...

Not a goddamn person. Tiger opens with a flawless, effortless 67, one shot clear of the next competitor, and two shots clear of every other checkered-panted dork out there. That's what I'm talking about.

But because that doesn't make for a very interesting update, let's assume for the sake of saving this godforsaken website that the tournament isn't already over, and run down those list of reasonable challengers, which I will define at everybody at -1 or better, because come on, if you're at even par, you're already five back of the greatest golfer in history, so just pack up the goddamn clubs.

Challengers listed in descending order that they show up on the leaderboard when I click on "pga.com":

Padraig Harrington (-4) : He won the last two majors last year, and then fell of the map. His swing was a mess. He couldn't make a cut. But then he found something, and last week nearly stole Tiger's 70th win until a ruling at the 16th hole rattled his nerves and he took an 8. So, even though I'd like to say this is a done deal, in all likelihood it's stacking up as Tiger v. Paddy II: Mick's Revenge. THREAT LEVEL: EXTREME

Robert Allenby (-3) : Ranked 30th in the world, he's one of those "hang-arounders" that you know his name, see his face occasionally, but isn't usually made for the big stage. Though I do know his name and might be able to pick him out of a lineup, so we won't totally dismiss him yet. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Matthew Goggin (-3) : Interesting Golf Fact #1: Nobody with three "g"s in their last name has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Hunter Mahan (-3) : One of the young guns from whom great things are expected. And yet, he's only won one tournament, and wouldn't you know, this young gun is 27, by which time the tournament leader had already won about 100 majors and 5,000 tournaments. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

Alvaro Quiros (-3) : I'm sorry, I meant to click "PGA Championship" but clicked "Daily Jumble Puzzle" instead. My bad! THREAT LEVEL: WHO???

Vijay Singh (-3) : Well, look at that, our old nemesis. Still 12th in the world, but you really haven't heard much from ol' darkie there for a couple of years. Back in the day, I'd say this was some serious cause for alarm. But Vijay, you're old, you're washed up, you're ugly, you're stupid, and most importantly, you can't putt. How the mighty have fallen. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

David Toms (-3) : David, we all know you, we all like you, you're a previous major winner, you seem like a good guy, but your time has passed, and you had one good round, and goodbye. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Paul Goydos (-2) : Who couldn't have fallen in love with Paul Goydos' good-guy routine at last year's Players where he took Sergio to the limit? Nobody. Who thinks he has a chance at winning this tournament? Even fewer than that. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Thongchai Jaidee (-2) : Interesting Golf Fact #2: Nobody named "Thongchai Jaidee" has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: THONGCHAI JAIDEE???

Graeme McDowell (-2) : Interesting Golf Fact #3: Nobody with an "ae" in their name has ever won a major, particularly if they were ranked 49th in the world at the time, and three shots back of Tiger Woods. THREAT LEVEL: AE

Lee Westwood (-2) : Most will forget that he was one putt away from joining the Tiger & Rocco show in the already-legendary 2008 U.S. Open. He's a good guy. He's got game. He's 13th in the world. He... Yeah, he's good. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Michael Bradley (-2) : The funny part is, I went onto thegolfchannel.com to look up the current world rankings. The first page of the rankings goes up to #102 (59 year-old Tom Watson). So I hit "search" and typed "michael", and not only was his name not on the page, but nobody else with "michael" in their name was on the page. THREAT LEVEL: TOM WATSON, AT BEST

Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano (-2) : On the broadcast, they list his name as "Gonzalo F-Castano", which I always read as "Gonzalo Fuckin' Castano", or at least I would, if I knew who he was or had ever heard of him. THREAT LEVEL: ABSOLUTELY F-NONE

Soren Kjeldsen (-2) : Interesting Golf Fact #4: Nobody whose last name begun with what looks like a typo has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: TYPO

Ben Crane (-2) : Ben Crane is most famous for making Rory Sabbatini go apeshit because he spends so much time praying to Jesus in between shots that you could fall asleep waiting for him to hit a 20-foot chip shot. While I appreciate the concept of irritating Rory Sabbatini, even Jesus can't save you now, Ben. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Hiroyuki Fujita (-1) : It must be hard playing golf after eating all those hot dogs. THREAT LEVEL: NATHAN'S

Rory McIlroy (-1) : Rory is this year's Anthony Kim, the true young stud who is going to take Tiger's throne, except he can't find it through his cabbage-patch lettuce which clouds his eyes with scraggly curls and his ears with the laughter of onlookers. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Bo Van Pelt (-1) : Interesting Golf Fact #5: Nobody with three names, totaling less than 10 letters, has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Sergio Garcia (-1) : It was ten years ago this week that he lost his first major to Tiger Woods. Why stop now? THREAT LEVEL: FUCK YOU SERGIO, YOU WHINING LITTLE CUP-SPITTING FUCKING LOSER, WHO EVERYONE SHOULD HATE WITH THE WHITE-HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS, NOW THAT WE CAN'T DO THAT TO PHIL SINCE EVERYONE IN HIS FAMILY HAS AIDS OR WHATEVER.

Rich Beem (-1) : For those golf historians among you, you'll remember that Rich Fucking Beem won the PGA Championship in 2002, the last time it was at this very same golf course (Hazeltine), and he won by one shot, over one Tiger Fucking Woods. He is enjoying some rejuvenated popularity this week due to this history. This is the only part of this week he will enjoy. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Anders Hansen (-1) : Sorry, hit Jumble again. THREAT LEVEL: HUH??

Geoff Ogilvy (-1) : Geoff Ogilvy is a stud, and currently 8th in the world. Four back of Tigs is a tough climb, but I will be very quiet and respectful here. THREAT LEVEL: QUIET AND RESPECTFUL

Brendan Jones (-1) : I don't know who this is. Apparently he is 64th in the world. THREAT LEVEL: I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS

Lucas Glover (-1) : Won the U.S. Open this year. You'd think I'd be all apeshit, since if he wins this, not only does he keep Tiger major-less for the first time since 2004, but he will get Player of the Year, even though he'll have won fewer than half the number of tournaments Tiger has. In truth, though, I think he has zero chance. But since even the spectre of him winning is so terribly horrible, I will have to weight it super-extra heavy. Which all leads to THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Luke Donald (-1) : Luke Donald was supposed to be this great awesome young golfer and like so many of them he's done nothing and will do nothing, eat a dick Luke Donald. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

So that's it. Tune in tomorrow when, God willing, we'll have a richly deserved blowout on our hands.

---

(Interesting Golf Fact #6: Tiger's real middle name is, for reals, "Tont".)

PGA Championship Second Round Update

Let's do our best to pretend that Tiger's bogey at the last hole means struggles are ahead, and that even though he now has a four shot lead, there are still people with a chance to make this even remotely interesting.

Tiger leads at -7. There are five players four shots back at -3. There are two at -2. I can't go any lower than that with a straight face, so let's get to it:

--- The (snnkkkrr) Challengers! ---

Vijay Singh (-3) -- If you can believe it, Tiger and Vijay will be paired together tomorrow in the final group. Vijay did nothing today, but he went out early before the weather got bad, so his lackluster 72 was actually good enough to put him in the final group. I am guessing he will put away all of his "Tiger Who?" hats before tomorrow's round. Anyway, if that's all he could do in the morning, he would be toast even if he wasn't playing with the Man, and the various pressures that brings. THREAT LEVEL: ALMOST ZERO

Brendan Jones (-3) -- Another one of those that took some advantage of the early good weather. And I still don't know who it is. THREAT LEVEL: ABSOLUTE ZERO

Lucas Glover (-3) -- The U.S. Open champ is still hanging around. He was threatening to really put some pressure on today until some late stumbles. Who knows? THREAT LEVEL: SLIGHTLY MORE THAN ZERO

Ross Fisher (-3) -- Was having the round of his life, tied for the lead, until he bogeyed the last two holes. Plays well in majors. I still couldn't pick him out of a lineup, but if he has another magical day tomorrow, and doesn't give it all back at the end, hey, I'm looking for any excuse to build some drama here. THREAT LEVEL: VERY, VERY LOW, BUT NOT ZERO

Padraig Harrington (-3) -- Was genuinely threatening until he fell apart on the back nine. He's a tough guy, though! If anyone in this lineup can do it, I think it's him. THREAT LEVEL: LOW, BUT AS GOOD AS WE'RE GONNA GET AT THIS POINT

Ian Poulter (-2) -- One of those "any minute now he's gonna be great" guys. But he isn't. Put on a nice run earlier in the day (again, with better weather than Tiger had to deal with), but his pants are way too goofy, and he is a loser. THREAT LEVEL: LOSER

Lee Westwood (-2) -- Was going to be in second place, paired with Tiger, until he three-putt from about two feet on the 17th hole. Has the talent, but not the stones. Sorry, Lee. You're outta here. THREAT LEVEL: OUTTA HERE

Aaaand that's pretty much it. Put this article among the many others being written around the internets right now, trying to put some sort of spin on this story other than "this tournament is over."

(But this tournament is over.)

PGA Championship Third Round Update

Well, maybe it's not quite over yet.

In one of the more aggravating days I've experienced as a Tiger Woods fan, I got to watch him basically kick the ball around the course, making lots of pars, while everyone behind him magically turned into world-beaters, all of them having the rounds of their lives, knocking in miracle shots like they were eating potato chips, and turning what should have been a runaway into a nail-biter, and I use that not as a metaphor for excitement, but as an admission that many of my fingers are actively losing blood as a result of the gouges I bit into them earlier today.

Thankfully, mercifully, due to a stone-cold, you'd-never-make-that-shot birdie at the 14th, and Padraig Harrington fucking up the last hole, he still has a two shot lead. And even more thankfully, the gaggle of douchebags making a charge generally choked properly toward the end of the day, leaving only two real challengers left.

Let's take a look at them now, as we try to choke back the bile of this day of anguish.

Tiger is at -8, which is where he was yesterday after the 17th hole, so it can be said that since then, it's been a pretty gruesome grind.

---

Y.E. Yang (-6) : Tiger's playing partner tomorrow is Y.E. Yang, the winner of the Honda Classic earlier this year, and who matched Tiger's first round of 67 today to launch himself into the final group of the weekend. He is a fierce competitor with a will that refuses to--- wait... I'm sorry, did you say Y.E. Yang? WHO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK IS Y.E. YANG, AND WHY IS HE PLAYING IN THE LAST GROUP WITH THE GUY WEARING THE RED SHIRT TOMORROW? This can't be happening. Y.E. Fucking Yang. Although after today he is the most recognizable golfer in the world to one Ice Cream Jonsey, because of two simple words: Magenta pants. Well, I've got two simple words for ol' Y.E. Yang: No Fucking Way. THREAT LEVEL: I GOT YER Y.E. YANG RIGHT HERE.

Padraig Harrington (-6) : Fucking Paddy, man. On Friday he hit what was possibly the greatest golf shot ever hit, from the lip of a bunker, like 250 yards, to 10 feet. It was cute, then. It was like, "aw, poor Paddy, gonna lose, but at least we have these nice replays of that amazing shot." But he is really trying to make that shot be one that they'll play a hundred times, going, "here was where the momentum turned!", and "here's where he showed the heart of the competitor that would lead him to victory over the so-called 'legendary' Tiger Woods!" If this happens, I will kill myself, for real, live on this BBS. This absolutely cannot happen. The "Padraig winning" thing, not the "me killing myself" thing. Who cares about that. THREAT LEVEL: I WILL KILL MYSELF LIVE ON JOLT COUNTRY BBS.

So what was setting up to be a ceremonial stroll around Hazeltine, while I sat on the couch and drank myself into a stupor with a goofy grin on my face, is now a hard-bitten war around Hazeltine, while I sit on the couch and drink myself into a stupor with a gnarled grimace on my face. And then possibly killing myself, live on this BBS, at the end of the day.

I TOLD U I WAS HARDCORE

---- THREAT LEVEL: I GOT YER Y.E. YANG RIGHT HERE. ---



THE
I WAS CALLING HIM YING-LING
TO THE DELIGHT OF MY
NEPHEWS
AARDVARK