Jolt Country

As many of you know by now, yesterday was the greatest day that any of us has ever, or will ever get the chance to experience. Do you know why? Well, of course, because Tiger announced he's coming back, right?

WRONG!!! It was the greatest day in history because of this:

This week's tournament -- hell, I don't even remember what it's called anymore, I (and many other golf fans) just called it "Riviera" -- featured a struggling Phil FUCKJAM Mickelson coming in, hoping to recapture some of the fire, hoping to put an end to what has to be considering one of his lousiest streaks ever.

By the end of the day yesterday, after Round 1, it was obvious that he had figured something out. Let's tune into the Golf Channel's broadcast of the day's results!

Golf Channel paraphrased wrote: And after round 1, a resurgent Phil Mickelson, after shooting a 63, has taken the lea--- OH MY FUCKING GOD TIGER IS COMING BACK!!! NOW FIFTEEN STRAIGHT HOURS COVERING THIS STORY!!!

And that, motherfuckers, is why yesterday was the greatest day ever.

I swear, I think Tiger has been ready to go for months now, but was just waiting for this. I think he has a team of guys, huddled up in some NORAD-like war room, watching, waiting, hoping for just the perfect time to announce the return and fucking rub it right in Fuckstick's fat, smug, douchesucking little face!!!! AaaaaaaaHAHAHAHAhahahaaaaa!!!

The one time he was going to get some airtime was the exact moment that Tiger broke the story. Phil could be leading by FIFTY at this point, and NO. BODY. WOULD. CARE.

Oh, is this great. I don't care if Tiger goes out next Thursday and loses in the first round of the Match Play Championship. Hell, that's probably not a bad idea, get him back in the game but not put too much stress on the leg the first time out.

It doesn't matter. 2009 is already the most wonderful year in golf history.

FUCK YOU LEFTY!!

I can't wait until Tiger returns either. Eight months out is long enough. Although I didn't expect him to return on TOUR this early, though; I thought he would have waited two more weeks and return at Bay Hill, which is a course that he knows well and plays very well. This year, the Match Play is played at a totally new course; one that Tiger has no experience on. Oh well, but with a golfer this excellent, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing.

HEY!

WAKE UP, will ya??

24 hours from now, Tiger is back. @$ HOURS!!! (That's what it looks like when you type "24 hours" and just HOLD THE DAMN SHIFT KEY DOWN THE WHOLE TIME!!)

HOLY CRAP!

AREN"T YOU EXCITED??

(That's what it looks like when you type "aren't you excited" and just HOLD THE GOD DAMNED SHIFT KEY DOWN!)

Yep, it is indeed, very exciting. Also, Tiger has been playing very impressively despite being sidelined for eight months, defeating Brendan Jones 3UP. His next opponent is Tim Clark...and considering how well he's playing today, Tiger can probably beat him as well.

This is going to be a great week in golf. Besides this match play tournament, David Toms is playing in the alternate tournament to this one, and I'm a huge David Toms fan. The golf course to the alternate tournament has a lot of water hazards and demands driving accuracy, so he has a great chance of winning.

Tiger's out in the second round. But this is still a win.

Look: He looks fine. His iron play is a little shaky, but his drives are the moneyest ever, the short game is solid, he's like, right where he was when he left, but feeling better.

This is GOOD NEWS.

TigerCast 2K9's new feature: "Calling It!"

Tiger will win the Masters in a month and a half.

CALLING IT!

He still made it up to the second round. That's not bad for someone who's been sidelined for eight months from knee surgery, eh?

As for predictions for winning the Masters, the outcome is still fairly uncertain right now. The good news is that he still has two more weeks of playing golf (Arnold Palmer Invitational, CA Championship) in order to prepare for the Masters.

Just a Regular Golf Fan wrote:He still made it up to the second round. That's not bad for someone who's been sidelined for eight months from knee surgery, eh?

And, not that it needs to be pointed out that results in the Match Play are meaningless when trying to determine how good someone's playing:

None of the #1 seeds made it further than Tiger, and only one player in the top 5 in the world rankings (FUCK YOU LEFTY) made it further, and even he lost the very next day.

The first two holes Tiger played on Wednesday were the best two holes I've ever seen him play. Effortless birdie/eagle, with short putts for each. No worries, mate.

Tiger's game seems to be fairly mediocre so far this week, compared to how well he's played this course in the past. I'm not sure about this, but is Tiger still rusty because of the eight-month sideline, or is he just unfortunate? Seems like the main reason he isn't making a move is because his putts seem to refuse to go in the hole.

Currently, looks like his main problem is just his putting. He's hit some great shots yesterday, but most of his putts didn't go in.

T9 for your first stroke play event in 9 months? Not too shabby. And like Regular Golf Person points out, the shotmaking looks as good as ever, if not better. By his own count, if every putt that lipped out had gone in, he would have won by like 10 shots. Granted, that's goofy math, but gives you an idea what's going on here.

CURRENT TOURNAMENTS IN WHICH TIGER HOLES A BUNKER SHOT STREAK: 2

PIMIENTO CHEESE SANDWICH COUNTDOWN: 4 WEEKS

THE LAST AND ONLY CHANCE FOR LEFTY TO EVER BE #1 IN THE WORLD: NEXT 2 MONTHS

FUCKING YES.

I'm stunned he won. For the first time, I can sort of understand why people watch golf on TV. The impossible can happen. He was down like five strokes at one point!

I don't know how they broadcast it regularly. I assume you have to sit through a whole bunch of golfers before the final day? What they seemed to be doing today is this:

- Here are three assholes and Tiger Woods who MIGHT win this thing.

- We shall now rotate between the four of them.

I mean, they didn't seem to waste my time with a bunch of bullshit. I watch football, baseball and playoff hockey and let me tell you... with the first two it's 90% bullshit.

TIGERCAST 2K9!! A QUESTION!

Is golf normally broadcast like that?

Oh, I also hate with nigh-criminal loathing the existence of Jim Nantz. Does he only do the Masters? I thought, like Bill Walton and basketball, that he did all televised games.

Yes, normally (at least on the last day, which is generally the only time anyone watches golf, for good reason) they switch back and forth between anybody in contention, while sprinkling in any particularly impressive shots from the rest of the field.

As you say, unless someone's running away with it, this pretty much ensures nonstop action -- albeit very slow action. And usually the announcers are cool enough that they realize that anybody watching the show actually wants to watch golf, so there's a minimum of WILD CRAZY WACKY ANNOUNCER HORSESHIT, which is the one reason why of the two things she hates to watch mosh, Savvyraven hates to watch golf less than football.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Oh, I also hate with nigh-criminal loathing the existence of Jim Nantz. Does he only do the Masters? I thought, like Bill Walton and basketball, that he did all televised games.

Nantz I guess is one of CBS' golf commentators.

This tournament wasn't the Masters, by the way. I hope you understand that.

Well, yes. I did understand that.

It is interesting to me that the golf announcers ... well, two things. First, they "get it": it's not about them. Secondly, the people running the broadcast "get it." The NFL understands neither of those things, and it's sort of killed off a lot of my interest in the sport. It's tough for me to watch a non-Saints game because all the bullshit is still there, without any emotional attachment on my part.

I'd like to think that eventually the producers of the games would understand that what they are doing doesn't work and is distracting, but it's been fucking years. They're never going to get it.

I guess the one thing I don't know is how the thing is televised when Woods isn't playing. If they are constantly mentioning him anyway, that's as bad as Kornheiser bringing up Brittfahh for literally the 7th or 8th time during the 4th quarter of the Saints/Packers game last year.

They don't go googly for Tiger unless he's playing in the tournament and doing well.

Actually, they're more likely to show him hit shots during a tournament he's not playing well in (BUT WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN AHHAHALOL) than they would a Robert Karlsson or a Sean O'Hair, just because for every second he is on TV, the networks make another million bucks.

But if he's not in the tournament, he's usually not mentioned -- in my opinion, for one particularly desperate, but understandable reason:

Tiger is, what, 33? By 36 or 37, he is almost guaranteed to have surpassed Jack's majors record, and Sam Snead's victory record. Unsurpassable history having been made, interest level is probably likely to drop. And when he quits at age 41 to run for President, interest in televised golf will drop to a level even lower than before Tiger entered the game, just because: What's the point? Golf will have been officially "solved" at that point, and nobody will want to go back to watching white guys playing golf at a B+ level.

Tournament purses will dry up. TV revenue will go to hell. Everyone involved will lose their jobs or take 80% paycuts.

So they are desperate as hell to try to sell a product without relying on Eldrick as a crutch. The "These Guys Are Good" TV campaign for the last couple years was one of the first attempts after they realized these salad days weren't going to go on forever. Problem is, what they're really saying is, "These Guys Are Relatively Good", and nobody will care about watching relatively good players anymore. The next attempt was the Fedex Cup, which even the PLAYERS don't care about, unless they're being paid gobs of money to stare into a camera and say "Uh, well, okay, yeah! It's important! Can I have my check now?"

Sure, "true fans of the game" will still watch, but as you can see from the ratings every week, "true fans of the game" make up a very small percentage of the total viewership. And even "true fans of the game" are more likely to watch when Tigs is on... otherwise, "true fans of the game" might actually be out playing.

The fact is, it's hopeless. They need to just enjoy the next few years, and get used to the fact that once The Man leaves, it's gonna get ugly.

WELL SURE, but I am gonna go ahead and predict that the same thing that happened to tennis happens to golf - I didn't thing anyone was ever going to play tennis better than Pete Sampras, but then Roger Federer came along. Is he better than Pete? I am not going to lie to you, mentally arguing about the state of men's tennis is not something I have had the cycles for recently, but I think an argument can be made?

Federer at one point has said (paraphrasing), "Pete was one of my idols growing up." Well, Sampras was awesome and had his own kind of charisma, but Tiger Woods is a goddamn superhero. I think it's safe to say that kids who may have not tried golf are trying it, and have been trying it, and will be coming of age in the next few years. Like, for instance, the entire pool of black kids.

THAT is my prediction. We shall see golf become interesting when I am in my 40s, a scant week and five years from now, because a bunch of golfers who loved Tiger Woods growing up took up the sport. I am not saying they will be of a particular race, color or creed - they could very well all be pasty white guys - I am just saying that they SHALL BE.

THAT is my prediction.

I hope you understand that it is purely in the spirit of friendship and good-spirited debate that I tell you that that is an idiotic prediction. Or rather, it might have some merit, but your sense of scale is way off.

Tennis' "all-time great" is replaced seemingly every 5-10 years or so. I'm not a tennis expert by any means, but even in the time I've been alive, I'm sure there have been at least 4 or 5 "new greatest of all times". Borg? Lendl? Sampras? Federer? Maybe Nadal now? I'm sure I'm missing a few. This is natural in a more purely athletic endeavor like tennis. People are getting stronger and faster.

But golf can be played by giant alcoholic fat people smoking a pack of Camel Lights as they trundle down the first fairway. The game relies far more on mental toughness and pure dedication than physical prowess.

The "best player ever" in golf has not changed since before I was born. Ever since Jack stepped onto the course, it's been Jack.

20-30 years before that, it was Ben Hogan. If you go much further back than that, you're standing in a field in Scotland watching ridiculously dressed men whacking acorns with broomsticks. So that's it. In the history of the game, maybe two legitimate "greatest of all times"s. And really only one, since Jack blew everyone else away by a long shot.

Tiger, in an age with a way bigger pool of talent, driven by money and ambition, is eclipsing everything Jack ever did, by a wide margin, and quicker. But it took 40 years for him to come along. Every time (all two or three times?) the torch has been passed, it took longer.

So yeah, will Tiger be eclipsed? Maybe. But it's going to take a long, long, LONG time, and human civilization will likely have collapsed far enough by that time that most golf courses will have been converted to shantytowns.

pinback wrote: of the two things she hates to watch mosh,

I think golf moshing would be pretty cool, actually.

Bruce

That was a typographical error.