Jolt Country

This is not for the front page because it is not well-thought out and has foul language in it, but Jesus Christ, nobody is posting ANYTHING here. So I'll make some comments that nobody will respond to.

These are: My Comments On The State Of Computer Golf.

COMMENT #1: There hasn't been a golf course design/management game since Sim Goddamn Golf fifty three million years ago? What the fuck is this shit?

WHY HASN'T ANYONE MADE A NEW GOLF COURSE DESIGN/MANAGEMENT GAME LATELY?

I am pissed off about this. When will the game industry wise up and tap the vast, pulsating, throbbing, oozing vein which is the golf course design/management gaming market? Come ON, man. Let me design a goddamn course and watch fat doucheballs play it and then make money charging exhorbitant rates for range balls. ONE BALL = $5. MAKE IT GOOD, FATSO!


COMMENT #2: I read a review of some upcoming golf game that says "it'll fill the space in between lighthearted arcade-type golf like Wii Golf, and hardcore simulations like Tiger Woods."

Tiger Woods Fucking Golf is a HARDCORE SIMULATION?!? You mean because by pressing buttons you can CHANGE THE DIRECTION THE BALL GOES AFTER YOU HIT IT? And because you'll be BREAKING PAR within an HOUR OF BUYING THE GAME, and once you max your golfer out you'll regularly be shooting in the LOW FUCKING FIFTIES!?!?

Hardcore simulation my giant, orange, sputum-sucking weenis. The last and only hardcore simulation ever made was Links. Know how I can tell? CUZ IT WAS HARD AS FUCK and everyone sucked at it.

This whole thing pisses me off!!

I am PISSED OFF!!!

This post is terrible, but it has successfully added to the total post count.

It is amazing. As great as Tiger has been for golf as a real sport... he killed off computer and console golf. Let me explain!

We used to have a lot of choices. Links. Links LS. Mean 18. Uh... Christ, other shit by Accolade. I'm just saying, golf games were out there.

Well, the same douchebag that circles the release date of Madden Football for his Xbox, even though it is by far the worst football game in a given year - it's never even fucking close - he's going to give EA Sports his money and pick up their shitty golf game where, yes, you can change the goddamn direction of the ball in mid-flight.

He doesn't care about course creation. This person is too fucking stupid to make golf courses. If he tried, he'd make a pair of bunkers that looked like tits and be out of ideas. There would be no need to make additional holes, because he -- in his mind -- already made the "one."

The purchasing powers of these dimwitted fuckfaces ruin it for everyone else. Let's ask a question! Ben, you are going to buy a golf game. In 2009. It will let you make courses, it will be a remarkable simulation of real golf, and it offers a number of control options, for the mouse, keyboard, joystick and whatever else. It is licensed by the PGA, so it's got Lefty, FUCK YOU VIJAY and even Rocco Mediate there. One issue!

Tiger Woods isn't involved.

Do you still get the game? I bet, after a brief, or even medium-sized "ummmm," you would. But you love golf and your head isn't firmly crammed up your anus. Millions of other thickly-browed gamers wouldn't buy the game. Because Tiger Woods is the exclusive property of EA Sports.

Personally, I wouldn't care, in fact, you would be able to create your own golfer, get a reasonable fascimile, and call him "Tiger." But millions of others, they do care, and they make it financially impossible for there to be competition. It wouldn't surprise me if the ENTIRE PGA is signed over to EA, actually.

So, we're fucked. We're completely fucked. EA bidding on the exclusive NFL license made Bug Selig go, "OHH GEE, WE CAN GET MONEY FOR THIS???" and he sold off the MLB license in baseball. Not to EA, but the people who did get it didn't bother to make a computer baseball game last year, or this year, or next year. It's 2008 and we somehow fucking have less options than we did before. I wouldn't get so angry, except that the exclusive deals were actually spun as being a good thing for gamers, that it would produce better games. Of course it didn't/wouldn't. Whatever.

I am not a graphics whore. There is nothing wrong with Links LS. But it is, what, 12 years old now? Sometimes you just want a more-modern game.

It fucking sucks. Sports games on consoles and computers have been ruined, and probably ruined forever.

I also forgot to mention that golf is alive and well on handheld gaming consoles. I seem to recall people enjoying something called Hot Shots Golf for the PSP.

So perhaps that is where all the innovation is.

My favorite golf games of all-time:

1. Links LS
2. Mean 18
1,232,908. Golden Tee

Also, I love how the Wikipedia is pretty much controlled by desperate shitters that can't admit that the IBM PC fucking trounced, and made completely obsolete, the Amgia, ST and IIGS. Here's some shit for the Mean 18 entry:

Despite some of the other systems superior graphics abilities (notably, the Amiga, Atari ST and Apple IIGS), the graphics for all the games were similar to the DOS versions'.

I will be purchasing Tiger '09 when it comes out in August.

I am part of the problem!!

What choice do you have? I don't blame you. The right solution is not going without.

But seriously, anyone who says that the game is a sim, like the one you pointed to, deserves a brain clot.

Wii golf is about the only golf game I can really get into. That alone is a sad state of affairs.


I used to play leaderboard on the C=64. Prolly doesn't count.


THE
DUFFER
AARDVARK

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:What choice do you have? I don't blame you. The right solution is not going without.

But seriously, anyone who says that the game is a sim, like the one you pointed to, deserves a brain clot.

Tiger '08 is of course known for causing the worst thing that has ever happened in a video game, but did you know that this "hardcore sim" also has the worst auto-adjusting difficulty level that has ever been?

Four-round tournament. First round, all the other players get average scores (67, 69, 72, etc.). But since my guy is maxed out and I am awesome, I drop a 55 on the field. How a "hardcore simulation" could allow you to do something that has never been done, and will never be done in the universe, is a subject for a discussion for another time. Whatever, I ended the first round about 12 shots ahead.

In the second round, I slip a little and only manage a 59, which of course HAS been done, over five whole times in history! However, my competitors appear to have hit the driving range overnight, because now EVERY GODDAMN PLAYER is shooting in the mid-50s.

What is the point of increasing skill at a game if your opponents can just get up any morning and decide to magically be 15 shots better and start holing out eagles from every fairway on the goddamn course?

HARDCORE SIM!

It's the kind of simulation that doesn't censor its penis up your ass. With "your" being you, the consumer.

I can't even do a thread on Golden Tee justice right now. The next time I see one, I am going to put some quarters/dollars (probably fucking dollars) and refresh my memory. And then write the ultimate Golden Tee thread, from the perspective of a sports gamer and arcade enthusiast.

So, when that happens, there will be more, er, content. Sorry.