Franklin Langham Is A Giant Oozing Twat
Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:11 am
Before I begin, let me make perfectly clear that I know Franklin Langham, a supposed "professional" golfer, by name only, and only then since yesterday. I couldn't pick him out of a lineup if it was just him and my grandmother. I know only one thing about him, and it's this:
Franklin Langham is a giant, oozing, pus-filled, smelly, ingrown-hair-riddled supertwat.
And now: THE STORY.
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The PGA tournament this week is called the "AT&T Classic". It used to be a tournament of some renown, but due to scheduling changes and, I'm sure, a bunch of corporate nonsense, it's a week now that most of the elite pros take off. No Tiger, no Phil... I think something like only 6 of the top 50 in the world, if that, are there. So it's a week where some of the lesser-known pros can make a splash, make a name for themselves.
Well, Franklin Langham did just that, and here's how:
I logged on to Yahoo's golf page yesterday, and one thing I like to do, because I am a sadistic bastard whose ego preys on the failings of others, is load up the full leaderboard, and then scroll right to the bottom to see who's doing the worst.
The name I saw was: Franklin Langham. He was already at +4 (four over par), but what was really striking was, he had only finished two holes! I loaded up his scorecard, thinking, maybe he double-bogeyed the first two holes, but what I saw was even better:
He took a 9 on the first hole, a par 5. Boom. Four over. The thought of someone quadruple-bogeying the very first hole of a tournament, essentially ruining the rest of the weekend for them, makes me very happy.
Anyway, I went back to work, and a few hours later, checked back in. Apparently, some rain had come in, so play had been halted for the rest of the day.
I scrolled down again to see how my boy Franky was doing, and that's when I saw the greatest thing of all time:
They had corrected his score on that first hole. He hadn't gotten a 9 at all.
He had gotten a 13!!! Eight over par on your first hole! I did some snooping around, and found out that he did this by hitting his tee shot out of bounds. FOUR TIMES!!! Hahaha! This is the greatest thing to ever happen in golf!
Almost better than that, though... For the round, he was a total of TWENTY-TWO OVER PAR!!
Not only that, but he had only finished the 17th hole when play was halted! He was already up to 94 strokes, and hadn't even played the last hole!!
He'd have to come back the next morning, just to finish up that last hole, and post the worst score in the history of the tournament, after shooting a score that I would expect to break on any average day! Franklin Langham, HERO OF THE MASSES!
So, this morning, the first thing I did was load up Yahoo, scroll to the bottom, to check on my new favorite golfer.
And friends, do you know what I saw?
I saw "WD".
WD. With Fucking Draw.
Overnight, this simpering fuckwad threw away the chance of a lifetime, to post the worst score in the history of a storied tournament full of tradition, to complete one of the most disastrous rounds in the history of professional golf.
But he fucking withdrew from the fucking tournament, with one hole to go.
Franklin Langham, you are definitely, unequivocally, a GIANT, WEEPING, FESTERING DISEASED GODDAMN TWAT. You SUCK.
You SUCK, Franklin Langham.
Franklin Langham is a giant, oozing, pus-filled, smelly, ingrown-hair-riddled supertwat.
And now: THE STORY.
-------------------------
The PGA tournament this week is called the "AT&T Classic". It used to be a tournament of some renown, but due to scheduling changes and, I'm sure, a bunch of corporate nonsense, it's a week now that most of the elite pros take off. No Tiger, no Phil... I think something like only 6 of the top 50 in the world, if that, are there. So it's a week where some of the lesser-known pros can make a splash, make a name for themselves.
Well, Franklin Langham did just that, and here's how:
I logged on to Yahoo's golf page yesterday, and one thing I like to do, because I am a sadistic bastard whose ego preys on the failings of others, is load up the full leaderboard, and then scroll right to the bottom to see who's doing the worst.
The name I saw was: Franklin Langham. He was already at +4 (four over par), but what was really striking was, he had only finished two holes! I loaded up his scorecard, thinking, maybe he double-bogeyed the first two holes, but what I saw was even better:
He took a 9 on the first hole, a par 5. Boom. Four over. The thought of someone quadruple-bogeying the very first hole of a tournament, essentially ruining the rest of the weekend for them, makes me very happy.
Anyway, I went back to work, and a few hours later, checked back in. Apparently, some rain had come in, so play had been halted for the rest of the day.
I scrolled down again to see how my boy Franky was doing, and that's when I saw the greatest thing of all time:
They had corrected his score on that first hole. He hadn't gotten a 9 at all.
He had gotten a 13!!! Eight over par on your first hole! I did some snooping around, and found out that he did this by hitting his tee shot out of bounds. FOUR TIMES!!! Hahaha! This is the greatest thing to ever happen in golf!
Almost better than that, though... For the round, he was a total of TWENTY-TWO OVER PAR!!
Not only that, but he had only finished the 17th hole when play was halted! He was already up to 94 strokes, and hadn't even played the last hole!!
He'd have to come back the next morning, just to finish up that last hole, and post the worst score in the history of the tournament, after shooting a score that I would expect to break on any average day! Franklin Langham, HERO OF THE MASSES!
So, this morning, the first thing I did was load up Yahoo, scroll to the bottom, to check on my new favorite golfer.
And friends, do you know what I saw?
I saw "WD".
WD. With Fucking Draw.
Overnight, this simpering fuckwad threw away the chance of a lifetime, to post the worst score in the history of a storied tournament full of tradition, to complete one of the most disastrous rounds in the history of professional golf.
But he fucking withdrew from the fucking tournament, with one hole to go.
Franklin Langham, you are definitely, unequivocally, a GIANT, WEEPING, FESTERING DISEASED GODDAMN TWAT. You SUCK.
You SUCK, Franklin Langham.