Jolt Country

Since you motherfuckers still can't wait ONE ENTIRE POST to take over an entire thread to use to advance your own selfish, smug agendas, I'm starting this one to replace the old one.

I swear, the only way to have this place truly achieve greatness is to only allow Gerrit and I on it, because we appear to be the only two people capable of being both 1) creative, and 2) able to stay on fucking topic, even if we might have personally found our witty, smug, anusfaced comments oh so very amusing.

Have you fuckers ever heard of playing along? Is it so important to squelch any creativity in favor of showing how snarky you can be?

Man. This place aspires alright. Aspires for cock.

Okay, cuntballs, here was the original recipe for the SNACK which you will want to enjoy while watching the 2008 Masters, the most important event in human civilization, past, present or future.

PIMENTO CHEESE SANDWICH

Makes 2 sandwiches:

Ingredients:
4 oz. extra-sharp Vermont white or yellow cheddar, finely grated ( 1 1/2 cups)
Half a jar of pimento (3 oz.), drained, finely chopped (1/4 cup)
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
1/2 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
salt to taste
4 slices of good whole-wheat bread, crusts discarded
4 thin slices Vidalia or other sweet onion
1 cup watercress sprigs, tough stems discarded.

To prepare: Mash cheese, pimento, mayonnaise, and hot pepper sauce in a small bowl with a fork until well combined. Season with salt to taste. Cover and chill 1 hour for flavors to blend. Spread pimento cheese evenly on bread. Top with onions and watercress sprigs. Cut each sandwich into triangles and serve.

But a person cannot watch the Masters by triangular sandwiches alone! No, one must also enjoy a delicious beverage to ensure that no pimentos get stuck in your throat and kill you before Tiger is able to don his fifth green jacket on Sunday afternoon!

So for today's update, we'll be providing the recipe for the most perfectest beverage to enjoy during the proceedings! Of course it could be none other than the...

Arnold Palmer

Mix half glass of iced tea with half glass of lemonade! Then sit back and be literally transported to the Land of Refreshment! Nothing will cool you down better than an Arnie after you have become enraged by anything good Phil Mickelson happens to do, and the fact that CBS still won't allow David Feherty or Gary McCord, the two funniest people in sports announcing, to make any jokes or otherwise act different from the cavalcade of droning robots which the Masters enforces on their broadcast partners.

See you tomorrow, unless you cumguzzling snotbags ruin this thread again, FUCKERS.

Can we talk about golf IN GENERAL while the Masters goes on?

A talk radio guy out here was trying to drum up interest in his horrible show, and argued for a second that perhaps Tiger Woods should be banned for cursing out people who took photos of him during his backswing.

And of course, he then argued that golfers should deal with crowd conditions like every other athlete. Thus NEGATING HIS POINT, because athletes in other sports swear all the fucking time.

Pinner, thanks again for sandwich and booze suggestions for THE MASTERS. I'll help keep things focused around here! Also, who do you think will win?

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Can we talk about golf IN GENERAL while the Masters goes on?

Yes, golf talk will be allowed in this thread, but with an awareness that the main theme is still the tournament itself. Picture yourself standing along the ropes in the fairway, watching the players. In between their shots, you might have a moment (or twelve) to talk about something else golf-related, but then it's right back to the action.

A talk radio guy out here was trying to drum up interest in his horrible show, and argued for a second that perhaps Tiger Woods should be banned for cursing out people who took photos of him during his backswing.

That might be the worst TAKE in sports radio history. Here are the main things wrong with it:

1. He has never cursed anyone out. When he's forced to halt his swing because of a photographer, his response is always, always one of these three:

Tigs #1 wrote: COME ON!!!

Tigs #2 wrote: You've GOT to be kidding me!!

Tigs #3 wrote: You've GOT to be kidding me!! COME ON!!!

What are you going to ban him for? Raising his voice?

2. It's just stupid.

Pinner, thanks again for sandwich and booze suggestions for THE MASTERS.

Please enjoy, although I have not actually ever tasted a pimento cheese sandwich, and it sounds somewhat ghastly. Arnies are good, though.

Also, who do you think will win?

I think Tiger has a 35% chance to win, and the rest of the field has a 65% chance to win. This means that I think Tiger will NOT win. But that means I have to pick someone else who I think has a much LESS chance of winning than he does. Which doesn't make any sense. But I'll guess anyway:

ADAM SCOTT

Of course, for some, a pitcher of Arnies just isn't going to do it, and you'll need something a little more potent to liven up the festivies! Perhaps spike those Arnies with a little Jack Daniels, or however you like to get sloshed! If that's your bag, then why not liven up the booze-swilling with today's update...

The Masters/Tiger Woods Drinking Game! Don't just watch what happens and react naturally to it! Make every little event a reason to ingest intoxicants!

Here are the rules!


TIGER
-----
- Whenever Tiger makes a birdie, take 1 drink.
- Whenever Tiger makes an eagle, take 3 drinks.
- Whenever Tiger makes a double-bogey or worse, take 5 drinks (to dull the pain!)
- Whenever Tiger looks down in dismay and disgust after a shot, take 1 drink.
- Whenever Tiger throws or slams his club to the ground after a shot, take 2 drinks.
- Whenever Tiger stops in the middle of a swing and yells at a cameraman, take 3 drinks.
- Whenever Tiger chips with a wood, or putts with the edge of the putter take 4 drinks.
- Whenever Tiger has to take a drop (penalty or otherwise), take 2 drinks.
- Whenever Tiger does a fist-pump, take 1 drink (cumulative with birdie/eagle drinks).
- Whenever Tiger is shown eating a banana, take 2 drinks.
- If Tiger wins the Masters, finish every drop left in the bottle!

BROADCAST
---------
- Whenever anyone mentions Earl Woods, Elin Woods, or Sam Woods, take 1 drink.
- Whenever anyone says "but what really sets Tiger apart is his mental toughness", take 2 drinks.
- Whenever a pimento cheese sandwich is mentioned or shown, take 1 drink (and eat a bite of sandwich if possible.)
- Every time the name "Martha Burk" is mentioned, take 3 drinks.
- Every time the name "Hootie Johnson" is mentioned, take 2 drinks.
- Every time the name "Butch Harmon" is mentioned, take 1 drink.
- Whenever the clip of Jack Nicklaus' putt on #17 at the 1986 Masters is shown, take 2 drinks.
- Whenever the clip of Tiger's chip-in on #16 at the 2005 Masters is shown, take 1 drink.
- Whenever the clip of Ben Crenshaw bent over and sobbing after the 1995 Masters is shown, take 1 drink.
- Whenever David Feherty's bicycle accident is mentioned, take 1 drink (preferably Irish whiskey).

OTHER COMPETITORS
-----------------
- Whenever anyone throws or slams a club, take 1 drink.
- Whenever Phil Mickelson makes a good shot or putt and puts on that obnoxious sheepish grin, take 2 drinks and flip a middle finger at the TV.
- Whenever Sergio Garcia spits in the cup, take 5 drinks.
- If anyone gets a hole in one, take 4 drinks.
- If a fat guy wins, take 3 drinks and eat a bag of potato chips.
- If Vijay Singh wins, start drinking and don't stop until the U.S. Open.

Am I immature because I giggle every time someone uses the word "Long Drive with his shaft" or "Chips his wood" or "Tiger does a fist pump"? C'Mon now, I just watch it for the sexual innuendos and the 4 hour foot rub that puts me to sleep....or is the game that puts me to sleep?

"He's pulling his putts" gets me every time.

Today is Wednesday, and as I write this, we are less than 18 hours from the official start of the 2008 Masters, the defining moment in all of human civilization.

Rather than offer another recipe or game, today I think we should just take a moment, bow our heads in a solemn display of silence and reverence, and pray.

Heavenly Father, we thank you once again for offering us the grace and gift of the 2008 Masters, surely your finest and most important work.

We thank You for Your blessings... the lush green fairways of Augusta National, the rolling, marble-hard greens, the flowers, the Georgia pines, that little stream running in front of the green on #15 that hopefully Vijay and Phil and any other so-called "contender" will plunk their stupid goddamn balls into.

We place our trust in You, Lord, to help guide Tiger's ball straight and true, particularly if he starts blocking out his drives way to the right like he sometimes has a tendency to do.

We hope, Lord, that you will hear our prayers, keep rain delays to a minimum, and help CBS find the One True Way, and realize that that Way does not involve long, sappy montages with gay piano music, while there's actually some golf action going on which people might actually want to see.

We honor you, Lord, by finding glory in this tournament, seeing the beauty and grace you have bestowed upon us, at least from April 10 to April 13, and we honor you by looking skyward on Sunday afternoon, smiling at your loving presence, as Tiger puts on his fifth green jacket. Unless he loses, in which case, fuck off.

Amen.

Eight hours until tip-off.











Here we go.

How the hell do you play golf with fog like this? Even Tiger's new 20/10 vision won't help him here.

Haha, who is that old bastard? That's nice that they gave him the best time of day to get his strokes in. Did he win a contest?

"YOU GET TO GOLF AT THE MASTERS!"

old guy: yaaaaay!

"IN FOG THICK AS SPLIT PEA SOUP! DON'T FUCK UP!"

old guy: nooooooo

It's Arnold Palmer, you idiot.

Also: MASTERS THREAD CANCELLED.

Fuck this.

pinback wrote:It's Arnold Palmer, you idiot.

Also: MASTERS THREAD CANCELLED.

Fuck this.

You gotta be fucking KIDDING me. You're out of fucking control. I knew I shouldn't have fucking listened to you.

The ONLY guy drawing shit from flies was YOU and I was on YOUR SIDE to tell them to knock it off. That mission finally fucking accomplished, and CO makes an ON-TOPIC, VALID post (followed up by an attempt at a funny comment by me) and you DARE say, "Fuck this"? FUCK THIS?

Unfuckingreal. I did everything possible to acquiese to your insane demands, and you still throw up your hands and swear at us. Unbelievable.

FUCK! YOU!

Oh. Ben just told me he was dissatisfied with Tiger's performance, not our posts.

Never mind.

He just eagled 15, so it's not as bad as it looked ten minutes ago.

THREAD BACK ON!!!

pinback wrote:It's Arnold Palmer, you idiot.

After the ceremonial opening swing he's promptly rushed back to his hibernation stasis pod which is then carefully wrapped in a Debbie Meyer Green Bag (which neutralizes the ethylene gas given off by old, spoiling men).

Once all of the players are done (should be in about two hours), I will present my FIRST ROUND SCORE ANALYSIS, in which I dig into the scores and determine what it all means for Tiger Woods, because I don't care about anybody else in the event.

Apparently you care about at least one other golfer: ARNIE. Otherwise you wouldn't have stuck up for him.

That being said, it's good that he's around the tourney. If someone collapses they can use his old man smell as a sort of portable smelling salt kit.

FIRST ROUND SCORING ANALYSIS, based solely on how it affects Tiger Woods

After the first round, Tiger stands at even par, tied for 19th, and four shots back of the leaders.

The appropriate description for Tiger's first round is "not good, not bad", although fans should definitely feel grateful that it could have been worse. After plodding along at par all day, he bogeyed two holes in a row (including a par 5 that he had a clear shot to the green on his second shot and managed to completely botch the hole). This was the point at which I cancelled this thread. However, being Mr. Bounceback, he then chipped in from 25 feet on the 15th hole for an eagle, bringing him back to even par.

The bad news is that he is four back of the lead. The good news is that he is within two shots of all but five players.

Now let's look at where we stand, and what this means for Tiger's chances the rest of the tournament:

2 players at -4.
3 players at -3.
5 players at -2 (so he is within 1 shot of all but 10 players)
8 players at -1.
14 players at E (including Tiger)

I am going to go ahead and say that unless Tiger plays like crap, nobody who finished worse than him has a chance, so that basically narrows the 94-man field down to 31 players who still have a shot at it.

Let's run down all 31 players, and assess their "threat level" (how much of a genuine chance they have, given current/past performance.)

1. Justin Rose (-4) - Ranked #9 in the world, a strong player, who has a history of starting strong at the Masters. However, in 3 previous strong starts, he has faded quickly. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

2. Trevor Immelman (-4) - Ranked #29 in the world, I think he probably just had a really good day. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

3. Brian Bateman (-3) - WHO?? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

4. Brandt Snedeker (-3) - Ranked #44 in the world. I gotta think anyone outside the top 30 has no chance whatsoever. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

5. Lee Westwood (-3) - Good player. #19 in the world. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

6. Ian Poulter (-2) - Famous for saying he's gonna be the only one to threaten Tiger for the #1 world ranking. Famous also for being the guy I had a dream would be leading the first round when I woke up, and he was. Famous also for only being -2 because he got a hole in one today. #24 in the world, but I don't see it happening. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW.

7. Robert Karllson (-2) - Huh? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

8. Zach Johnson (-2) - WON the Masters last year, a win most considered a fluke, and nothing since then has changed that perception. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

9. Stephen Ames (-2) - Ranked #31, famous for getting trounced by Tiger after he made a stupid comment. No chance. THREAT LEVEL: NO CHANCE

10. Jim Furyk (-2) - #7 in the world. Most disgusting swing on tour, but the dude can play. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

11. Heath Slocum (-1) - What kinda name is Heath Slocum? THREAT LEVEL: NONE

12. Mark O'Meara (-1) - Tiger's best buddy. There's no way Tiger will allow him to win. Also, too old and fat. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

13. Peter Lonard (-1) - #46 in the world, too old. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

14. Arron Oberholser (-1) - Unremarkable. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

15. Jeev Singh (-1) - Isn't one Singh enough to deal with? THREAT LEVEL: LOW

16. Paul Casey (-1) - Lots of middle-of-the-road foreigners up in this list. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

17. Retief Goosen (-1) - Used to be one of the best players on the planet. Fallen to #27, but you wonder when the magic will come back. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

18. Phil Mickelson (-1) - FUCK LEFTY. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

19. Justin Leonard (E) - Too middle-of-the-road and goofy looking. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

20. Robert Allenby (E) - See: Paul Casey. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

21. Jerry Kelly (E) - Had a good run several years ago, but those times are behind him. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

22. Johnson Wagner (E) - Only in the Masters cuz he won some two-bit tournament this year that nobody but grandmothers played in. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

23. Steve Flesch (E) - Ranked #107 in the world. Bye. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

24. Boo Weekley (E) - Boo Weekley, the dumb country bumpkin that everyone loves to love. They just won't get to love him in a green jacket. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

25. Sean O'Hair (E) - Too scarred from an overbearing father to ever come through in the big ones. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

26. Sandy Lyle (E) - The dude is like a thousand years old. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

27. Daniel Chopra (E) - I thought he wrote spiritual books. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

28. Vijay Singh (E) - FUCK LEFTY AND FUCK VIJAY. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

29. Stewart Cink (E) - Been playing very very well this year. #14 in the world, and on the rise. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

30. Andres Romero (E) - Andrwho Romerwho? THREAT LEVEL: WHO?

31. K. J. Choi (E) - He loves three things: Jesus Christ, playing golf, and not speaking English. #6 in the world. Very strong. THREAT LEVEL: HIGH

So if we look through this list, and weed out everyone less threatening than medium, we're left with these nine douchebags who need to be taken care of:

Justin Rose
Lee Westwood
Zach Johnson
Jim Furyk
Retief Goosen
Phil Mickelson
Vijay Singh
Stewart Cink
K.J. Choi

Only two are more than two shots ahead, only four are more than one shot ahead, and only six are ahead of Tiger at all. So if you want to paint the prettiest picture possible, this is it:

He's only got six reasonable contenders ahead of him, and not all that far, so if he can just pick off two of those per day, we're good to go.

That's the prettiest picture I can paint for you. If tomorrow goes any worse than today, though, we're gonna have a problem.