Jolt Country

In an attempt to fit in more around here, given the New Order, I now present you, ANGRY TIGERCAST, which will begin by saying:

Tiger is -5 and tied for the lead through 14 holes on Torrey Pines South, going for his fourth win in a row in this particular tournament.

The tournament, thus, is fucking OVER already, and all of the other fuckbags at -5, including Rory SabbaDICKINMOUTH can fucking suck it.

And if any of you assbags come back with some shit about how I'm going to quit this gig quicker than John Daly quits tournaments lately (which takes on average about 7.2 seconds) then I will personally come to your home, kill any various pets or children you have lying around, and piss in your fucking mouth.

FUCK YOU.

- ANGRY TIGERCAST 2K8

John Daly doesn't actually make tournaments because of his play any longer, right? Isn't he normally a sponsor's exemption? What happens if he "pulls out" in five holes on a sponsor's exemption? I imagine they'd be pissed, right?

HELP ME UNDERSTAND GOLF

You're goddamn right, he did that just last week. Got a sponsor's exemption and pulled the fuck out. No, they SHOULDN'T be happy, but for some reason because he's FAT and STUPID and thus appeals to 98.5% of all sports fans, they keep giving him millions of fucking dollars to go spend on $500 slots and whores, and let him show up at golf tournaments, walk down the red carpet, get sucked off by strippers in the men's locker room, and then withdraw after the first three holes because walking back three holes to the bar is quicker than walking six more holes forward to get to the turn.

Your act is TIRED, you fat fuck. Go have a heart attack and die and leave some of the Miller Lite in the world for the rest of us, assfucker.

That answer your fucking question, anusface?

yes


sry new kybrd 2-4 weeks

YEAH, I got an anus face all right. It's from talking ALL THIS SHIT.

I have three questions.

One: Has Tiger ever played a meaningful golf game against that fat piece of walrus jelly, John Daly?

Two: Who the LIVING FUCK is Tiger's chief "competition" these days? Is it still that other chubby slug Mickelson?

Three: I am interested in trading my knowledge of GORF for someone's knowledge of GOLF. I won't ask you directly, because you'll use such weakness against me. This is really more a comment.

ANSWERS:

Zero: Quit being so goddamn smarmy you fuck, nobody cares about your stupid witty comments anymore.

One: They have been on the same course at the same time before, and have even played in the same group a few times, but there has never been a meaningful "showdown" between the two, because Tiger is the best golfer ever, and John Daly is a disgusting wad of lard and failed drug rehabilitations.

Two: Dickelson is still the chief "competition", yes, which is like saying that walrus feces could still technically be called "food" because it is possible to put it into your mouth and swallow it.

Three: John Daly cannot play GORF because when the boss level comes up he sees the shield, mistakes it for a line of coke and tries to snort the fucking screen.

I read on a popular golf forum that John "Haunches" Daly has proceeded to gorge himself so that he might take on the title of World's Fattest Golfer. On the forum, it was also reported that his sports agent saw the first signs of a new cellulite reservoir hanging from Daly's inner thighs and flanks during his nightly inspection, and they both became very elated.

TigerCast 2K8, can you verify this rumor?

You being a smartass? You wanna be a smartass with me? Because I have absolutely no problem meeting you in person to discuss it, where "discussing it" means me taking a five iron and shoving it up your ass so far that you'll be puking Titleists for a week, you smug fucker.

You think I'm kidding about this? TRY ME, bitch. Just fucking try me.

Through nine holes today, he's taken the lead alone. YOU ALL MAY NOW COMMENCE LICKING AND SUCKING MY BIG FAT HAIRY NUB.

Assholes.

Well, after the second round, he has taken a FOUR FUCKING SHOT LEAD, indicating to the rest of the golf world that:

1. He actually is playing better than ever before in his career.

2. GOD DO WE ALL SUCK.

Since this tournament is over, we can start looking forward to next week's tournament, which is in Dubai or some shit, and which is ALSO over, because nobody is touching this dude in 2008. I don't see how he doesn't win every single tournament he enters, at this rate.

Go fuck a marmot.

So would you say he's playing the best golf of his life right now, or does everyone else just suck more than they normally do?

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:So would you say he's playing the best golf of his life right now, or does everyone else just suck more than they normally do?

He'll maybe answer when he's done fucking that little marmot.

Bruce

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:HELP ME UNDERSTAND GOLF

I'm entirely at a loss as to why he behaves himself in such a terrible, ill-tempered manner.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:So would you say he's playing the best golf of his life right now, or does everyone else just suck more than they normally do?

Without question he is playing the best he has ever played, which means he is playing better than anyone ever has. Now he can even take MONTHS OFF, then come back, swing a club a few times in the parking lot, enter the tournament, and kill everyone by 8 shots. And if he hadn't sleepwalked through the last 5 holes, he would have won by at least 11.

Next fucking question.

So, a while back a girl said that the rest of the golfers should lynch Tiger Woods. My questions are:

- If Tiger was hanging by his neck muscles the night before a game, do you think any of the other crybaby, wilting pussies on tour would still be able to get within three strokes of him?

- How long would Tiger Woods have to be deprived of water and food before it would be competitive with the rest of the field?

- Let's say that Tiger Woods picked up a hockey stick instead, and was able to compete in that sport instead of golf. How fucking boring would golf be, since none of the guys on tour can make a move and win a fucking tournament?

- Does Nick Faldo still play? How did the shooting of Indiana Jones and the Case of the Crystal Skull affect his game?

Sorry, maybe I should have been clearer. By "next question", I meant "next question that isn't totally fucking idiotic and wasn't asked by a drooling, dribbling ape-like wad of pus."

OK, just the Faldo one, then.

That is a good question, with many different facets that need to be considered. After doing some analysis, and even some soul-searching, I've arrived at the following answer:

Lick my sweaty, dripping, fetid, cheese-smelling balls.

And now, my THEME SONG, which should be sung to the tune of the "Survivor" chorus:



I'm the, CAST of the TIGER
I will fuck your shit up
As I recount the golf scores shot by Eldrick.
If you don't care to read it
or think I am to harsh
Just prepare to say "bye" to your wiiiiiiife...
...and your children.

I recently attended a gala event in honor of Tiger Woods and Angry TigerCast 2K8 was there. I wished to speak with him regarding his foul conduct on this very forum, but he looked quite threatening and aloof. At one point I managed to approach him but his eye caught mine, and his lip ever-so-slightly curled into a contemptuous, icy sneer that chided any attempt to exceed my station. Thoroughly dejected, I retreated back into the cover of the crowd.

Later, I spotted him visibly drunk and far more animated, arguing with some of the other TigerCasts, pushing his views on states' rights and nullification. TigerCast 2K6, with whom he was arguing, shouted "Our Federal Union: it must be preserved!" With that, TigerCast 2K8 cluthed the Stars and Bars lapel pin on his jacket and fired back in a spray of spit flecks and venom, "Our Union - after our Liberty, most dear!" After that, he stormed out of the building, his black manservant in tow.

I was appalled, as I'm sure you all are, but please be careful not to associate all of the TigerCast ilk with such secessionist sympathies.