Jolt Country

All right, the Saints are down like 50 and would need a thousand teams to win if they even come back, which they won't. That leaves us with the following teams for me to back as part of the BANDWAGON:

1) The Redskins, backed by BEN PARRISH. Who I would back, except they will be one and done, if they even get in, and I don't want to get onto two bandwagons.

2) The Chargers, backed by VITRIOLA. I would have been on their pseudo-bandwagon last year, except the Saints actually made the playoffs. Close enough, so I am changing it up this year.

3) The Patriots, backed by MIKE SOUSA. Mike Sousa is the one guy in Boston sports I am truly happy for, because he comports himself with dignity and humility. I was on their bandwagon for the 2001 playoffs, when they won the Super Bowl against the Rams, so they are out.

4) THE PACKERS, COWBOYS AND COLTS, backed by a bunch of FRONT RUNNING FUCKING A-HOLES. I am just interested in the carnage, so I don't want any of these guys to go very far.

5) THE SEAHAWKS, backed by MY BROTHER. Traditionally my favorite team after the Saints because it was the one positive thing in my brother's life. Well, he is closing on a house at the end of next month so he doesn't need my help any more.

That leaves...

THE BUCCANEERS backed by GREG. They are the perfect fit. I have never jumped on their bandwagon before, they got rid of all the eyesores like Warren Sapp that prevented me from embracing them in previous eras, and Greg happens to be the one guy in my FF league who actually bothered to set his team this week. The Bucs also lead the league in "Murdered ex-players who got referenced in a text game of mine," as Greg helpfully reminded me of just minutes ago.

So, Bucs it is! Whoo-hooo! Here is another Bucs story:

My brother and I played 20 seasons of "Front Page Sports Football 96" and he had Joey Galloway, who he trained into being the best offensive player in that game. When I had a hard drive crash, we switched over to "Front Page Sports Football 98" and re-drafted. I took Galloway a round before my brother could and turned him into a defensive back so he would never, ever torment me again. Joey Galloway is now the best offensive player on the 2007 Bucs. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

We appreciate your support -- the Bucs' bandwagon is traditionally an empty one, so it's novel to gain recruits.

Fun Fact: all I had to do to clinch first place in fantasy football was beat one of the worst teams in the league, and the Arizona Goddamn Cardinals had to go crazy.

For history's sake: I lost out on money by 0.5 points. 5 receptions, essentially. So Greg got second place as well. Which is good! I am glad that he was able to get the money.

The guy who won couldn't be bothered to set his lineup the last week and I essentially drafted his goddamn team once he, in absentina, found a way to break the auto-drafter. I couldn't be less proud. Needless to say, I think ditching a couple guys for next year is the way to go.

I read the thread title too quickly and thought people were jumping on the Bugs bandwagon.

:(

Bugs wrote:I read the thread title too quickly and thought people were jumping on the Bugs bandwagon.

:(

Well... the original bandwagon is sort of finished... Kind of went a little earlier than I thought... I guess we can all jump on the Bugs bandwagon.

All right. I enjoy working during the evenings and would prefer all the women at your home adopt nighties by, say, hoooooah, nine. I'm reasonable.

Is there a door to the guest room?

I figured we were doomed when noted douchebag Bill Simmons picked the Bucs.

The line: BUCCANEERS (-2.5) over Giants

We're about to find out the definitive answer for the question, "Can an NFL team's actions in the past two weeks of the season determine its karmic fate for the playoffs?"

The Bucs mailed in the final two weeks, screwed up New England's first-round pick from the 49ers trade and did everything but announce to the league, "We are totally fine with getting the Giants in the first round." Meanwhile, the Giants admirably busted their butts against the Patriots and suffered significant casualties in the process. If the Karma Gods were in charge of this game, the Bucs would lose.

Unfortunately, karma doesn't decide football games -- coaches and quarterbacks and injuries and home-field advantage invariably play a bigger role than anything else. Tampa has the coaching advantage (Jon Gruden with three weeks to prepare against Tom Coughlin ... yikes), the QB advantage (would you rather have Jeff Garcia at home or Eli Manning on the road), the health advantage and home-field advantage. More importantly, the Giants have become somewhat of a bandwagon pick, as evidenced by the curiously low line. And then there's this: When I write the Playoff Manifesto 5.0, you can bet anything that Eli and Coughlin will be featured in a section that includes the words "don't" or "beware." Seriously, you're thinking of backing Coughlin, Eli and (probably) his second-string center in a road playoff game? Are you nuts?

The Pick: Buccaneers 27, Giants 20

Way to go you dumb shit. Coughlin constantly had the Jaguars competitive and has taken a Giants team that has quit on him multiple fucking times the the playoffs for two straight seasons. Because I hate the New York Giants, it could be three straight seasons for all I care to know.

How the fuck you get out picked, against the spread, by 20 games to your wife (who delivered a child during the season) I have no idea.

I can just imagine Bill scribbling down her picks as she tries to squirt the kid out, cackling as they differ from his picks, and then drinking himself into slurred speech when she once again beat him by 5 picks.

Also: "Playoff Manifesto 5.0."

Yeah, keep grinding that thing out, 5.0 will surely be the best revision yet.

I only read that Simmons bit up until the bit about the draft pick, at which point i abandoned ship.

Ah, Bucs. It was nice while it lasted (about one quarter).

This is your LAST CHANCE BITCHEZ, before SD crumbles next week. WHO'S WIT ME?

I went from the Bucs bandwagon to the Seahawks bandwagon! I think hopping on a third one for a playoffs that lasts five weeks would indicate that I am sort of short-thinking hexprick that is desperate for even a modicum of inclusion.

I'm debating whether to just pack it in and ... not root for, but quietly and calmly accept a Patriots victory. I'm torn, because:

a) a Patriots victory would make Bill Simmons happy, and I am anti-anything that makes Bill Simmons happy

b) I think of the remaining teams, only the Packers have a chance

c) a Packers victory would bring us more Peter King fellatio on Brett "The Lion in Winter" Favre, and I am anti-Peter King

So basically, which is worse? Simmons or King? They're both the sportswriting equivalent of cancer.

If the Pats win out, it is something which had never been done before and will never, ever be done again.

Don't you want to be able to say you were there? Though you'd actually say "I was there!"

Don't you want that? Why don't you want that?

That would, indeed, be the rationale for rooting for the Pats.

Not terribly compelling, though. "Gather around, children, and I'll tell you about how I watched the Patriots' drive to perfection in ought-eight. From my couch in Atlanta."

Yeah, one of the major disappointments in my life is that the 72 Dolphins achieved excellence two years before I was born. What the fuck. Unless it was one of my teams doing it, I would feel absolutely nothing inside because some other fan base's team won 19 games in a season. The Patriots have already won 22 in a row at one point since the marriage of Brady and Bellichick, so this wouldn't even be unique by their standards.

God, I hate seeing other teams do well and mine constantly fucking sucking. I am a jealous, Kucinichesque gnome.

This isn't the '72 Dolphins. This is the greatest football team of all time, the closest any team has ever come to "solving" the game of football.

They are the standard by which all other teams, past and future, will be measured.

As someone who appreciates the artistry of the game, I would think you of all people would savor this opportunity to be part of such a unique, magnificent accomplishment.

Allow me to amend my earlier comments. The fact that the '72 Dolphins would more or less have to shut the fuck up from here on out is a point in the Patriots' "FOR" column.

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:God, I hate seeing other teams do well and mine constantly fucking sucking. I am a jealous, Kucinichesque gnome.

Your Significant Other is also hot, like Kucinich's. Just saying.

Bruce

Sports Pinner wrote:This isn't the '72 Dolphins. This is the greatest football team of all time, the closest any team has ever come to "solving" the game of football.

They are the standard by which all other teams, past and future, will be measured.

As someone who appreciates the artistry of the game, I would think you of all people would savor this opportunity to be part of such a unique, magnificent accomplishment.

Really. The artistry of the game. Huh. Well. Hmmm.

Well, I didn't want to do this, but here we go:

WHY THE 2007 PATRIOTS AREN'T THAT IMPRESSIVE AND WHY THEY AIN'T THE GREATEST TEAM OF ALL-TIME

Before I get into that, let me get into something else. I believe I have a unique perspective, having witnessed more seasons of absolutely abysmal football than the rest of you combined.

In 1999 Ricky Williams takes an incident-laden contract for the New Orleans Saints and suffers a high ankle sprain in pre-season, as piece of shit Zach Thomas hits him five yards out of bounds. Ricky never gets going in 1998, and the Saints fire their coach. Why was Williams hit? A worthless fuck on the Dolphins (who everybody else in the world loves) was so enraged that Williams would dare hint at ushering in a modicum of personal responsibility and performance-for-pay that Williams had to be injured.

In 2000, Jeff Blake leads the New Orleans Saints to a 7-3 record going into week 11. His foot is broken on a desperate play by Lance Johnstone, who I hope is now dead.

More, the 2000 Raiders attempted to take out the opposing quarterbacks of every team they played, in order to go against inexperienced backups. This worked until they faced the Ravens, who had one of the best defenses of all-time and frankly, it didn't matter which scrub they threw out there. The Ravens beat the Raiders in the AFC Championship game that year.

In 2006, noted piece of human excrement Bart Scott wrenches Reggie Bush's foot after a play. After safely flying back home and far from anyone who would retaliate, Scott cackles to a local news program that he was just giving Bush's foot a "little bit of hot sauce."

(If you are familiar with my work on this BBS, you may be aware of all these things.)

Jeff Blake, Ricky Williams, the Baltimore Ravens quarterbacks and Reggie Bush have all been said to be disappointments. Yet, there was still someone in the NFL who couldn't fucking stomach the thought of them having any motherfucking success, to the point where some of the more marginal players in the league (or in Bart Scott's case, stupider) threw out salaries, threw out any sense of brotherhood, threw out the fact that they were all millionaires and just tried to go fuck somebody up.

Why is this significant? BECAUSE NOBODY HAS DECIDED TO RIP TOM FUCKING BRADY'S KNEE LIGAMENTS APART.

In 2007/2008 we are living in a world where the average thug in the NFL is so sated, and so cognizant that it is just a business, that he can't even be bothered to step up for his *own* quarterback, much less take a run at the opposing team's. New England played Buffalo early in the season where Buffalo quarterback J.P. Losman was intentionally injured. Losman! One of the worst players in the history of the NFL. How did the Bills respond? Did they say to themselves, "We are going to get crushed anyway, might as well take out Brady?" "We are going to avenge our guy?" Of fucking couse not. Who is Losman to them? He won't even be on the team next year, and if they decide to cripple Brady they might lose a game check.


Do I blame Brady for this? Of course not! When you are one step above a crack dealing thug, like in the case of Scott, Thomas or Johnstone, and the only thing keeping you out of jail is the NFL, of course you are going to absolutely freak if you see somebody get too many commercials (Williams, Bush) or if you feel you can bully some poor slobs (Ravens quarterbacks). Brady keeps a low profile. He does gay male model shit, but who would know that?

But my point is, you can't be considered the best team of all time until you've faced some fucking adversity. (And I don't believe for a second that the '72 Dolphins are the best team of all time, not even close. But they did do it with their backup QB for a stretch, which gives them the advantage over these guys.)

Just because we happen to live in an era where most of these pussies would rather not do anything to lower themselves in Belichick's eyes (because, hey, maybe Bill will sign them and they can get the cheap ring) it doesn't automatically put a team like the 07 Patriots to the head of the class. Their linebackers are slow and old. They've never had to run the ball down the field and ice a game. They've never faced any adversity. Every offensive coordinator in the fucking league is apparently too stupid to throw down the middle of the field, where they have been weak for years. You want to take Moss out of the game? Hit him. It's been done before. He's been beat every time one of his teams has made the playoffs. Why is Brady still standing after a game? Take a FUCKING RUN, you squishy cunts. (I mean the rest of the teams in the league here.)

Their backup quarterback never started in college and never started in the NFL. He got a few minutes of playing time in mop-up duty this year and was YANKED. Does that ever happen?

But the Chargers are going to let him pass all fucking day on them. So will the Packers. Lah-dee-dah, Mr. Brady, gee whiz, it's amazing to see you work, let me ask you this, will the Patriots be needing a third cornerback in two seasons when my contract is up? Whoop-teee!!!

How many coaches are even trying to win a football game on Sunday? Seriously - how many aren't trying to prove a point, or win "their way" or show someone up, or implement their system, or whatever else. Don't believe me?

Here is an article that basically says that Jon Gruden is only interested in winning football games if he can play field commander with his offensive troops. The Giants could rush the passer well and not stop the run, and 38 year-old Jeff Garcia was out there airing it out. I can tell you first-hand that Sean Payton was more convinced about winning "his way" then actually "winning" this year: he called a fucking reverse between Reggie Bush and the guy in the NFL who had the MOST FUCKING DROPS THIS YEAR. Do you think he cared, Ben? Do you? Which do you think he said afterwards?

- "Shit. We lost the game. I feel terrible."
- "Shit. That play didn't work. Huh. They run it in practice... weird."

Well, I happen to have the answer key for you. It was ... well, pretend I put a "B" up there, because the first play called the next week was practically the same play. That was Payton saying to the world, "See? See!!? My system works!"

Mike Martz, as Rams coach against the Panthers in the playoffs. Lovie Smith ever since he started Rex Grossman. Jim Haslett, refusing to start Delhomme in the last three games of 01 or 02 when Brooks had a broken shoulder. Matt Millen. Mike Nolan, after taking a spread QB first overall and then trying to make him a drop-back passer. Do you know how many Super Bowls those guys have won as head coach and/or GM? Zero. Do you know how many they have won combined in those roles? [spoiler]Zero.[/spoiler] THEY HAVEN'T WON A FUCKING THING YET AND STILL REFUSED TO "DO IT" ANY OTHER WAY THAN THEIRS.

Martz could have ran teh fucking ball.
Smith could have traded for Donovan McNabb, or drafted a QB at any point in the last 3 years.
Jim Haslett could have started Delhomme.
Matt Millen could have ... well, he sort of breaks the mold.
Mike Nolan could have installed an offense that played to his #1 overall pick's strength.

But fuck no they aren't going to do it.

So the Patriots play in a league where, I'd say, 80% of the head coaches aren't interested in winning as the top thing. Yeah, big guys, those Patriots. It's like keeping track of the time it takes you to get to work in the morning on I-25 when everyone else is on a cell phone. Great, you made it there in 33 minutes. To EVERYONE ELSE on the road, the conversation they were having was more important.

So no, I'm fucking not impressed with the Pats this year. Good for them, hope they go 19-0 and Brady throws at a fucking 92% (JESUS CHRIST BLITZ HIM AND HIT HIM YOU DUMB FUCKS) clip again. Wonderful. Great.

The greatest team of all-time will still be the '85 Bears, followed by the '89 49ers or the '78 Steelers.

Oh. Yeah.

The Patriots have also been stealing signals from other teams for years, and cutting out audio on the headsets of opposing quarterbacks for just as long. The former was severe enough to cause them to lose a draft pick and get fined more than $500,000. I have never seen a team lose a draft pick like that in my life.

So even if they stopped it this year, fuck them, if I wanted to watch a bunch of James Bond Spy vs Spy shit I'd watch NASCAR.

That's your fucking argument? "The other teams (including the horrible one I insist on rooting for every year even though they've always sucked and I've never, and will never, set foot in their filthy city) aren't any good"?

That is the saddest piece of shit I've ever seen. Anyone who comes with that bullshit is obviously just trying to convince themselves of something.

You are disgusting, and a horrible person.

The '08 Pats would dispatch the '85 Bears the way they dispatch everybody else, banding together in a big wad to keep the Fridge from bowling himself over the goal line for more than 40 points and scoring 50. You are a fucking idiot.

I hate you. This is why I left Colorado.