Jolt Country

Tiger '08 will come out in a week and a half, and in a week and a half, we will also have our fancy new 1080p 50" DLP television.

These things will come together with a third element -- ME -- to create BBS history, as I recount any and all thoughts, experiences, and odors which I emit during my experience with this game, in this environment.

If I were you, I would be impressed by this, but then I would be doubly impressed when I realized that I had the self-control not to buy a new domain name for this blog.

I can't tell you what's going to happen. I don't know if the game will be any good. I don't know if it will have some way of cranking up the difficulty so players aren't regularly shooting scores in the 40's.

All I know, based on all my past experience with this line of games is:

I will generate a large, fat, black character wearing beige shorts and a ridiculously bright Hawaiian shirt and likely a cowboy hat, and will take him through career mode to the point where he will go head to head against Tiger and destroy him.

This, I promise you.

pinbacker wrote:I will generate a large, fat, black character wearing beige shorts and a ridiculously bright Hawaiian shirt and likely a cowboy hat, and will take him through career mode to the point where he will go head to head against Tiger and destroy him.

That's the best part about the create-a-golfer feature. With John Daly still being alive, any body shape from string bean to Archemedes's Doughy Sphere is completely within reason.

I hope they added animations that depict Tiger choking on your fat avatar's THRUSTING CHUNK-COCK.

pinbacker wrote:Tiger '08 will come out in a week and a half, and in a week and a half, we will also have our fancy new 1080p 50" DLP television.

to complete the trifecta, you should grab one of the new 360's with hdmi.. you can get one from amazon for $350, free ship, no tax.

Jack Straw wrote:to complete the trifecta, you should grab one of the new 360's with hdmi.. you can get one from amazon for $350, free ship, no tax.

Jack, I'm reposting here in case you don't check Groucho soon enough: I checked on my upcoming paycheck and yes I can afford your 360. So if you can wait until next Friday (31st) then I can for sure meet up with you and do the transaction.

This thread is cancelled on account of Tiger '08 sucks.

That's EA sports for you. They submarined the thread with the most potential this place has seen in weeks.

Fucking EA!

Well, you have to give them credit for releasing the original Command & Conquer for free. I mean, it's the first non-horrible thing they've done in recent memory, but it's a step in the right direction.

Maybe now they can focus on making the sports games on which they have a monopoly not suck.

free...
and a free executable that tries to gain internet access and makes your antivirus freak out.
and a free far cry that has in-game advertising.

nothing is truly free, and that goes x10 for EA.

Jack Straw wrote:nothing is truly free, and that goes x10 for EA.

Interactive fiction is.

hygraed wrote:Well, you have to give them credit for releasing the original Command & Conquer for free. I mean, it's the first non-horrible thing they've done in recent memory, but it's a step in the right direction.

Did they finally put that into a torrent? I'm guessing not. Hopefully someone will upload both discs to Usenet. I was getting 19K a sec from the largest publisher of software in the world. Only 9 hours a disc, why not! I assume they figure that there still might be some people out there who do not have bit torrent clients and they don't want to be the ones to "turn them on" to the single best way to download files like this.

Here you go.

http://thepiratebay.org/tor/3667319/Com ... Conquer_95

Thanks, hygraed. The Pirate Bay is awesome for this sort of thing.

Indeed it is. Looking through the album list on my Zune, I see twenty-seven albums that I have obtained through that site.

Incidentally, do not buy a Zune. The device is quite nice but the software is so utterly broken it is simply not worth it. I would think that a team developing software that is to be used as a media library would at least take the time to make sure that tagging works properly, but I guess that's why I don't work for a software company.

I would like to say, before I turn in for the evening, that although I'd previously come on here and said how bad Tiger '08 was, I continued to play it. I am in fact one "Tiger Challenge" event away from my final showdown with Tiger, and although it doesn't let me make my character nearly as fat or as black as I wanted to, the event will still occur.

But the main reason for this post is that, as bad as I've said the game is, that could not prepare me for tonight, when I experienced the WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN A VIDEO GAME EVER:

I still can't believe it.

I was on a par 4 hole somewhere, I forget where. My drive (due to the unpredictable controllability of your shots) went wayward right, into some nasty rough. I was in a tough match-play competition with the foul-mouthed spitfire Morgan Pressel. I needed every advantage.

That's when I got one. I took a five-wood, and blasted it out of the rough. The game made that "swoosh" sound and went all wide-screen, as if to indicate something good was about to happen (even though it also does this, for some reason, if you are about to blow a putt 20 feet past the hole, or hit the ball into the water. I don't know.)

In this case, something good DID happen. Miraculous, in fact. The ball bounced up near the green, and caught a patch of rough which slowed it down just enough to dribble toward the cup, and clink against the pin, as the miracle five-wood from 200 yards away dropped into the cup for an eagle 2.

Unbelievable! Finally, a bright spot in my otherwise horrid experience with this game.

It was so good, in fact, that I hit the X button, for "replay shot". Let's look at this one again. Let's savor it, while we have the chance.

And there's my little fat black guy rearing back with that magic five wood, and there he is smacking the crap out of the ball, and there it is heading toward the green, toward that magic patch of rough which would kick it toward the---

...and, on the lives of your children, I swear to you, on the replay, the ball missed the rough, and bounded over the green into a swale of gunch.

"Aww, that's too bad," announced the announcers, joining with this disastrous re-telling of history.

I hit "replay" again, and again the ball bounds over the green into the crap. "Aww, that's too bad."

Surely it must have at least given me credit for the original shot, give me that hole, let me go ahead with the match with a one-hole advantage after that miracle.

And you know what? It didn't. Even after I watched the thing go into the hole the first time, and watched my fat black guy celebrate, there I was, being forced to play the rest of the hole that I'd already won, simply because I wanted to reconfirm to myself the impossible -- that something good had actually happened whilst playing Tiger '08.

It did.

Then it didn't.

The replay that changed history and lost me the match.

The worst thing that has ever happened in a video game ever.

This will be a JC article ASAP. Thank you for writing that.

I... I can't believe how bad EA has become. Their sports games used to be the shining jewel, too.

Ok, this is now a JC article. Thanks, Ben!

Don't thank me, thank the fine folks over at EA for producing a game in which, when you hit a 260 yard three-wood from the middle of the fairway and it lands on the green, the announcer regularly says "that was a good looking putt!"

B-but... there is mandatory weekends going on there! They are severely underpaying staff! The director of HR is a shill for his corporation who thinks the employees that provide for his salary and worthless existence are easily-replaced cattle! How is this not resulting in better games?

They are messing with your head. I would so do that if I were some kind of game programmer. Nothing good happens when you hit a replay feature.


THE
NEVER TWICE
AARDVARK

When you restore your progress next time, there is a very real possibility that every golfer in the game will instead start playing hockey.