[Army of bitches] Lysander's groupies

[Lysander]

Hey, look over there, what do I see? A content drout. Well since Pinback is too busy doing jello shots with his girl to "bring the noise" I suppose that the tradition of keeping this place alive has fallen to me! That's okay, I'm just coming into my own here with this whole humerous writing thing and I need to keep my sk11z strong. ON that note, I'll address the first and most obvious comment that I know that everyone is falling over their keyboards to post: asking for pics does not make you funny, it makes you retarded. It's not even the blast I mind, so much as that it takes no fucking effort. Come on, put your back into this trolling! Anyways, without further adue, let's begin!

Name: Roberta
Nickname: Birdie
How met: some lame sports camp thing for blind people. I don't even like sports.
Pro: female
con: female
Pro: hippy, so I can score free drugs
Con: hippy, so she's retarded.
Pro: easy
Con: way too easy
con: doesn't see this as a problem.
Pro: causes drama.
con: pretends she doesn't like causing drama.
Status: terminated.
Possibility of success: -33.7%

Name: Megan
Nickname: the pantsless pirate, meggie, the Meggle of doom, Splendorbug
how met: high school
pro: artistic prodegy
pro: mathematical prodegy
con: emotional prodegy
pro: sassy
con: bitter
pro: attractive
con: ruins it with jack-boots and tattoos
pro: brilliant
con: diagnosed with about every possible mental disorder in existence
con: associates with morons
con: lives on the other side of the country
pro: wants to see me
con: actively avoids me whenever she is in town
status: rediscover communication
possibility of success: -7.6%

Name: Angela
Nickname: numerous
How met: introduced through friend met at random coffee shop. Amusingly, the aforementioned friend was met by me in a random internet chatroom.
Pro: hot
pro: loves sex
pro: budding English major
pro: sweet
pro: devoted
con: Probably a man.
Status: missing.
Possibility of success: 0.00%

name: Katie
nickname: Katar!, Xoe.
How met: fine arts camp and school music fest
Pro: attractive
Con: won't believe it
Pro: devoted
con: relationship revolving door
pro: won't have sex with anyone
con: won't have sex with me
pro: book smart
con: socially dumb
pro:desperate
con: desperate
con: 3 years younger than me
Pro: more mature than some 23-year-olds
pro: actually lives in the state
con: that's still a hundred miles away.
status: holding pattern
possibility of success: 8.5%

Name: Ashley
nickname:
how met: friend of Birdie's

con: friend of Birdie's
pro: easy
con: dumb
pro: nice
con: too nice
pro: self-sufficient
con: only self sufficient
status: meh

possibility of success: -5.8%

Name: Michelle
Nickname: Ginger
how met: friend of a friend of a friend
pro: slut
con: bad at sex
pro: metal chick
con: Cradle of Filth metal chick
pro: druggie
con: methhead
pro: sweet and caring
con: chooses not to be.
con: mooch
con: pointless liar
con: imbasil
con: bully
con: suicidal
pro: suicidal
status: probably dead.
possibility of success: -44.7%

Name: Tara
nickname: loyal little sub slut
how met: chat room
pro: will sleep with me
con: will sleep with anyone
con: lives in Canada
con: dumb
con: doesn't seem to have a personality
status: who cares
possibility of success: -2.88%

name: Rebecca
nickname: becca love
How met: chat room
pro: funny
con: not that funny
pro: viscious and hateful
con: viscious and hateful
con: opinionated
pro: right
con: out of state
pro: may become in state
pro: tech geek
pro: music geek
pro: libertarian
con: too libertarian
pro: slut
con: knocked up
con: lied about it
con: told the truth on a public blog
pro: was very, very sorry.
status: off and on
possibility of success: 28.6%

Name: Amanda
nickname: queen Amanda
how met: guitar player
pro: guitar player
pro: fiddle teacher
pro: loves music
pro: tallented
pro: funny
pro: self confident
pro: self sufficient
pro: smart
pro: exuberant
pro: hawt
pro: horny
pro: devoted
con: not devoted to me
con: devoted to someone who she has to schedule time with to see a week in advance due to his previous commitments at WORLD OF FUCKING WARCRAFT.
Status: taken
Possibility of success: 0.0%

Name: Triest
nickname: Tree
how met: theater student looking for w33d

pro: self confident
con: egotistical
pro: devoted
con: too devoted
pro: intelligent
con: "has issues"
pro: horny
con: has the hots for someone twice her age
status: slightly frightened
possibility of success: 12.8%

Name: I've forgotten
nickname: silver pet love dragon
how met: chat room

pro: rich
pro: geek
pro: close by
pro: nice
pro: self confident
con: likes to fuck dogs
status: Wait, wha-?
possibility of success: EAAAGH!

name: I don't know
nickname: I don't know
how met: keeps running into me durring class breaks

Pro: easy
pro: wants me
pro: has a nickname for me
con: it is "drew Bear"
con: probably on something
con: probably on several somethings
con: probably diseased
con: desperate
con: violently stupid
status: avoiding
possibility of success: -70.9%

This has been: the list of people who think Lysander is awesome but who will never, ever sleep with me! (TM) Stay tuned for next time, where I decide to just throw up every female I have ever had contact with in my entire life and a few males for good measure out of sheer bordom!

[AArdvark]

Instead of actual photos of the players, can you just post pictures of people that they somewhat resemble? As a visual aid, ya know?


THE
YOU AINT THE ONLY ONE
THAT NEEDS THEM
AARDVARK

[Lysander]

That would be rather entertaining. Actually I do have a picture of Ginger but I don't know if pictures of girls tied in electrical tape is the kind of thing promoted by the new Jolt Country Dot Com. Anyways, I could probably huntdown pictures of most of the rest of them (in fact I konw I can) but I feel kind of queezy doing that sort of thing. "Hey, do you mind if I post your picture to this website I like?"

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

Post those bitches!

(shakes fist!)

Bitches!!!!

[Lysander]

Please refrain from using such harsh language in the future. Thank you, the new Jolt Country dot com team

[AArdvark]

This is an example ONLY. Any resemblence to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

NAME: forgotten

pro: nubile co-ed
con: likes television
pro: believes in free love
con: with anything in pants
ect...ect..







THE
YOU GET THE
IDEA
AARDVARK

[Jack Straw]

[bruce]

I don't know if pictures of girls tied in electrical tape is the kind of thing promoted by the new Jolt Country Dot Com.

You're joking, right?

POST.

Bruce

[Worm]

How do you get tied up with electrical tape? Why don't all these armchair bondage fellettes just use fucking scotch tape?

[Lysander]

Because scotch tape isn't "hardcore" enough. ANyways, give me somewhere to host these pictures and I'll get around to it someweek.

[Ice Cream Jonsey]

imageshack.us will let you host the pictures for free.

[Lysander]

I might want to take this down.

[Vitriola]

Why not? It'll live on, albeit under a different name, in perpetuity.

[Worm]

Yeah, you can't take anything down. Try to stay a bit more realistic and just hope that no one prints out the pictures, jerks off on to them, and then mails them back to the girl they are of.

[AArdvark]

No, just post images of things that would help us more understand what the girls in question are about. Don't actually go and put thier pictures up, that would be bad.

If the girl is nice and sweet post a picture of a soft and fuzzy animal or something. If she is not so nice post a picture of a chainsaw or backhoe or something.


THAT
WAS A PUN
AARDVARK

[Lysander]

Updates! Whoa, mama! Look at these updates!

Name: Ashley
Recent Developments:
-moved out of town
-moved to live in BIrdy's town
-Birdy's armada of former lovers includes a 29-year-old man
-Apparently she like, loves me, or something.
Status: terminated.

Name: Triest
Recent Developments:
-needs a roommate
-has an apartment picked out
-has a car

---

4:27 PM Triest: i've got some bad news
4:27 PM The boy with the head like an atom bomb: Oh dear.
4:28 PM Triest: We have to renew the lease on that apartment next month for a year or move out
4:29 PM Triest: if you're leaving in july that's not going to work
4:29 PM The boy with the head like an atom bomb: Haha. Yes. Of course we do.
4:29 PM Triest: and jon is going to take his mustang down to the states with him so I won't have a car
4:29 PM Triest: which really won't work
4:29 PM The boy with the head like an atom bomb: Uh, no, no it won't.
4:29 PM Triest: so i'm going to have to stay in the place next to my mom in order to get rides as I need them
4:30 PM The boy with the head like an atom bomb: YOu do that.
4:30 PM Triest: and I feel like a total shit now after getting your hopes all up and everything
4:30 PM The boy with the head like an atom bomb: I'm going to go eat. Thanks anyways.

Status: EXECUTED.

This has been: Lysander posts the updates of the girls giving him no romances while trying to ignore the noises of sex coming from the dorm above.

Conclusion: Fuck this shit.