[Army of TIWMOGFLIA] Lysander's prospects!

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 20, 2005 7:07 pm

That amusingly cludge acronym stands for This Is Why My Only GirlFriend Lives In Alabama. Anyway!

Alright, kiddies, let's find out what my town's prospects consist of according to Yahoo! singles!

This girl's profile is boooriiing, so let's just skip to what she's looking for in a man:

Location:
Within 250 miles

Age:
18 - 35
Marital Status:
any
Body Type:
Any
Height:
3' 0" - 7' 11"

That rules out Andre the Friendly Giant, at least.

Eyes:
Any
Hair:
Any
Ethnicity:
Any
Sense of Humor:
Any
Social Setting:
Any
TV Watching:
Any
Personality Type:
Any
Love Style:
Any
Smoking:
Any
Drinking:
Any
Living Situation:
Any
Have Kids:
Any
Want (more) kids:
Any
Education:
Any
Employment Status:
Any
Occupation:
Any
Income:
Any
Religion:
Any
Attend Services:
Any
Political Views:
Any
Astrology:
Any
Languages:
English
Interests:
Any

So, basically, she wants everyone except the Chinese Munchkins that live in a 250-mile radius. Oo-kay, let's navigate away from that one reeeal quick like...

Real Woman seeks a Real Man

H-Hey! i'm a real man, baby! What?

Gender:
Woman seeking a Man

Yeah, we got that idea from the guerilla profile name there.

Body Type:
I'll tell you later

This... concerns me.

Eyes:
I'll tell you later

Hair:
I'll tell you later

Ethnicity:
I'll tell you later

Okay, now I'm really nervous. Is this woman a reject for the part of Lisa Trevor or something? Is she a plague victem? Is she the lone survivor of an until-now unknown Alaskan nuclear holocost?

TV Watching:
Movies

Yeah, I like tuh watch... der stuff...

Drinking:
Drinks socially

Oo, yes, breaking the law so turns me on...

Living Situation:
With kids

Wh-wwwhaaa-wait whatisthis--

Have Kids:
Yes - at home full-time

Okay, well, if you're taking care of your litter that's cool--

Want (more) kids:
Yes

AWK! AWK! RED MOTHERFUCKING FLAG! So what the hell now? Retreat!
FALL BACK!

Education:
Some College

Yeah, I've got some college education too, I almost failed a psychology class. Go me!

Employment Status:
Full-time

Wait a minute, you've got full-tme employment and you're spending time at home with your kids full-time, are you using some sort of dimentional void to fill your days with--

Occupation:
Executive / Management

--Right, so you're executively managing... YOUR KIDS! AFAFOMGFIAFGLOL!

Religion:
Christian

Attend Services:
Monthly

Yeah, that's really Christina of you. And loe, the lord did cometh down form on high and say "Eh, you can skip a couple services, it's not like I care."

Political Views:
I'll tell you later

Yes, please Ms. Walking Paradox, don't crush me with your idiologies too quickly now!

I would like a fun loving guy that is not a homebody.

No, you want to do all that executive managing of your sixteen and three quarters children all on your own. I see where this is going...

I would like to find my social life that has been lost for the past few years with someone by my side.

Wait, wait wiat wait a second... So, let me get this straight, you're trying to find a social life... On a remote island in Alaska? Forgive me whilst I laugh openly at your stupidity.

A partner that is kind and not afraid to let down his barriors and let me in is what I want.

I think the only question here is how willing you are to let down your barriers and let the guy in, hiuk hiuk.

I have a passion for life that I would like to share.

Yes, express that passion for life on a 100-square mile patch of floating shit with a grand total of one park and 0 bowling alleys! What a great way to let everyone know--oh, wait, we do have five bars here, maybe that's what she means.

I like to cuddle and need to cuddled with as well.

Unfortunately, I require correct conjugation in my fictional online doxies, sorry.

Let me show you what being with a real woman can be like.

Haha ego. How about I show you what being with a real cynic is like... oh wait, I can't because i'm just not real enough for you! Bahaha.

About my match

Age:
21 - 35

Ah, shit, I'm out already. I needn't have bothered then. Yes, I'm such a little boy to you.

Body Type:
Average, Athletic, Thick, A few extra pounds

You know, I really have nothing to say to this one. I think we'll jsut let it stand on its own.

Ethnicity:
African American (black), Caucasian (white), Native American, Pacific Islander

Note to Self: Japanese Are Not Real Men. Got it.

Income:
$35,000 to $49,999, $50,000 to $74,999, $75,000 to $99,999, $100,000 to $149,999, More than $150,000

Poor people are also not real men.

Religion:
Christian
Attend Services:
Any

Okay, to recap: real men are only fat Native, Black or White Christians that are at least 5-foot 10 who want more kids and make more than 35000 dollars a year, in a tiny tiny remote rock in the middle of nowhere in the Pacific northwest, that are over hte age of 21. Okay, now that I copmletely fail to meet a single one of your expectations, we will go to another one!

halla at this hot little mama

Oh, already, this promises to be entertaining.

Age: 25

Okay, so there's no chance of this working out. Still, I think I'll stay for the inevitable comedy value.

Gender:
Woman seeking a Man

Just out of curiosity, is "woman seeking a woman" a different gender from "woman seeking a man"? That's really starting to bug me here.

Body Type:
Athletic

Height:
5' 7"

Eyes:
Blue

Hair:
Red

Ethnicity:
Caucasian (white)

Sense of Humor:
Clever / Quick Witted, Goofy
Social Setting:
The life of the party, Shy at first, but warm up quickly, Flirt, Better in small groups, Comic Relief

H... hey... wait a minute, this isn't looking too ba--

TV Watching:
Reality show addict, Documentaries

--AAAUUUUUGH! Get *away* from me, societal reject!

Employment Status:
Self-employed

Occupation:
Artistic / Musical / Writer

Income:
I'll tell you later

Allow me to translate, fellow readers:

Occupation: -sits around and does nothing, while pining endlessly about all the useless wastes of opportunity she once had in her formative years
Income status: negative 0+.

There! Doesn't that look attractive?

i like to have fun and i'm real positive. so if you have mad drama don't talk to me, for real!

For real? ...Ugh. Yes, we can tell how positive you are, as evidenced by your lack of understanding for what the , key is for.

i'm just lookin for friends ahight!

...Ahight?

Yes, you're just looking for friends. That's why you've got a profile on a personals website even though you live in a town with a population of roughly 8500, 68% of which go to bars on Friday night. You're not fooling anyone, you know.

i'm a for real person

Like, foh sho, gee.

so i like my peoples the same!!!!

What, just looking for friends ahight? I'm sorry, I can't hear that word without snickering. Say "ahight" out loud sometime. With an exlcamation point! It's really funny.

About My Match
Body Type:
Average, Athletic

Height:
5' 7" - 6' 0"
Eyes:
Brown
Hair:
Black
Religion:
Christian
Ethnicity:
African American (black)

You're a Christian/Protistant with "middle of the road" political views and you're only interested in the black cock? Go away, racist whore.

Just Looking For Some Fun

Oh, we've got ourselves a real winner, here. I can tell already.

Body Type:
Voluptuous

Height:
5' 11"

Eyes:
Brown

Hair:
I'll tell you later

Alright, now that's just downright frightening.

Education:
High School Grad

Wow, that is so impressive. People with an IQ of a radish, only angrier, can graduate from my high school. And this is supposed to impress me? You never even said it wasn't from a secondary school.

Income:
I'll tell you later

0.

Religion:
I'll tell you later

Attend Services:
I'll tell you later

Political Views:
I'll tell you later
Great. Now I really know you. Just awesome.

I'm a 22 year single mon of one beautiful little girl.

But more would be grrrreat! ^_^

I love th outdoors and would like to find someone to do things with. So e-mail me

Yeah, we all know what htat do things with means, you brainless bimbo.

About My Match

Location:
Within 15 miles of my current city

Okay, everyone, a quick geography lesson: if you are within fifteen miles of this island, but not actually on this island... You live in the fucking ocean. Is she looking for a cave-dwelling fish man, or something?

Age:
18 - 36

Marital Status:
Any

Body Type:
Any

This looks familiar...

Height:
5' 11" - 7' 11"

Well, at least it's not 3 feet for a cutoff.

Eyes:
Any

Hair:
Any

Ethnicity:
Any

Sense of Humor:
Any

Social Setting:
Any

TV Watching:
Any

Personality Type:
Any

Love Style:
Any

Smoking:
Any

Drinking:
Any

Living Situation:
Any

Have Kids:
Any

Want (more) kids:
Any

Education:
Any

Employment Status:
Any

Occupation:
Any

Income:
Any

Religion:
Any

Attend Services:
Any

Political Views:
Any

Astrology:
Any

Languages:
Any

Interests:
Any

...God Dammit.

This has been: Lysander reviews his prospects! Anyone have any suggestions for which person I want? Post in this very thread, and i will hapilly ignore all of oyu, because you couldn't pay me to try a relationship with any of these socially inept retards. This has been... Lysander's Prospects!

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri May 20, 2005 7:30 pm

You'll never bag any of these bitches with that kind of attitude, my man!

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 20, 2005 7:34 pm

pinback wrote:You'll never bag any of these bitches with that kind of attitude, my man!

Fortunate, then, that I'm not trying to bag those bitches.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri May 20, 2005 7:44 pm

Lysander wrote:Fortunate, then, that I'm not trying to bag those bitches.

You'll never bag any of these bitches with that kind of attitude, my man!

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 20, 2005 8:04 pm

Pinback, AKA the Human Broken Record wrote:You'll never bag any of these bitches with that kind of attitude, my man!

Will someone give you a push already?

Vitriola · Post by **Vitriola** » Fri May 20, 2005 8:26 pm

Only to someone who lives on a rock off the coast of the north pole would someone with a criminally inclined ex who works in a mall from Alabama look like a good prospect.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 20, 2005 8:29 pm

Vitriola wrote:Only to someone who lives on a rock off the coast of the north pole would someone with a criminally inclined ex who works in a mall from Alabama look like a good prospect.

There are two misunderstandings at work here

#1: she works at a pool hall, which is--wait. Oh, yeah, that's right--she does work in a mall. Never mind! ^_^

#2--1: no criminally-inclined ex, just some random dude who didn't like the word no for an answer. I mean, he didn't even follow her home, he just kind of hung around outside for a couple days after he got banned from the place.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri May 20, 2005 9:40 pm

Gyaaahahahhaa, this is your best work.

Income:
I'll tell you later

"0. "

Well, it's a day late but somebody finally gave in to "Pump it Up Week."

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Fri May 20, 2005 9:46 pm

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:Well, it's a day late but somebody finally gave in to "Pump it Up Week."

Oh, that's so very precious, you meek, simpering bitch, you!

Tell you what, why don't you make it official, and BAN me from this cesspool, and then change all the colors to light pastels of pink and flaxen straw?

You'll have to filter the standard hex color codes through some translator to account for the peanut-oil flavored tears cascading from your quivering, shimmering eyes, of course.

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 20, 2005 9:46 pm

...At least someone liked it. Sheesh.

Ice Cream Jonsey · Post by **Ice Cream Jonsey** » Fri May 20, 2005 11:17 pm

pinback wrote:

Lysander · Post by **Lysander** » Fri May 20, 2005 11:29 pm

That was the most worthless post on this BBS.

pinback · Post by **pinback** » Sat May 21, 2005 5:49 am

He pumped it back down.

(And also ruined the table width of your fantastic thread.)

PINBACK ATTACK MONITOR · Sat May 21, 2005 6:10 am

Ice Cream Jonsey wrote:PIC REMOVED

HELLO! YOU ARE RECEIVING THIS MESSAGE BECAUSE YOUR POST HAS BEEN IDENTIFIED BY OUR AUTOMATED MONITORING SERVICE AS ATTEMPTING TO BE FUNNY BY ATTACKING PINBACK! YOU ATTACKED PINBACK BY ALLUDING TO THE FACT THAT:

[ ] HE IS DEPRESSED
[ ] HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC
[ ] HE HAS A GIANT BALD HEAD
[ ] HE NEVER HAS A GIRLFRIEND
[X] HE RESEMBLES PAUL GIAMATTI
[ ] HE HAS PALM TREES AND A FOG MACHINE
[ ] HE MOVES EVERY THREE MONTHS
[ ] HIS FATHER IS DEAD
[ ] HIS FATHER CHANGED HIS LAST NAME
[ ] HE HAD GYNECOMASTIA SURGERY
[ ] UPLOADS PICTURES OF FOOD
[ ] OPENS AND CLOSES A LOT OF WEBSITES

OUR ALGORITHMS HAVE DETERMINED THAT YOU HAVE

[ ] WILDLY SUCCEEDED
[X] SOMEWHAT SUCCEEDED
[ ] WASTED EVERYBODY'S TIME
[ ] SOMEWHAT FAILED
[ ] FAILED MISERABLY

THANK YOU!

------------------------------
PINBACK ATTACK MONITOR v0.91b